Blogging thru the mist

That sounds like a great movie title doesn't it?

In actuality, it's just the morning mist of a humid day in NJ. The kind of day where a person with super straight fine hair (me) can walk outside and have curly, fizzy hair within 5 minutes.

Where did the weekend go? I just don't know. I spent Friday evening camped on the recliner catching up on past episodes of Hells Kitchen and Ice Road Truckers (don't knock it till you watch it).

I slept until 9AM on Saturday! I swear I did! It was nice to wake up refreshed from 12 hours of sleep. I think all the sleepless nights caught up with me. And, it was QUIET. David was away, and S. was sitting in the family room with the dog. I made my coffee, and decided to stay in my PJ's until noon. Quite relaxing.

S. and I went to a neighbor's party Saturday night, and sat in more humidity on their deck drinking a new beer I hadn't tried before. Landshark, I think? It tasted like Corona. It was cold, and lovely.

I slept Sunday morning until 9:30AM. yee haaa!

David came back from the beach later on Sunday, exhausted from his fun (and I think my parents were a little exhausted too!) We spent the weekend missing him, and one hour home he was back to his crazy self. Chasing the dog, screaming for Mr. Softee... the house no longer quiet.

It was pretty good while it lasted.

Careful what you wish for

Did I say I was bummed that I was not experiencing any symptoms from the meds? I'll spare you the gory details, but suffice to say I was thisclose to waking up S. and begging him to take me to the hospital.

But enough about that, I'm in the general session of BlogHer in SL... very cool. Blog you about it later!

counting down

So, the week is drawing to another close. My parents are taking David away for the entire weekend (they are heading to the beach). Normally, I would be all excited about the upcoming prospect of being alone with S., but I am still in a crummy mood.

Dr. V called out of the blue yesterday. Wanted to see how I was doing. His words were... "I usually have my nurses call to see how you are doing, but I feel personally responsible for you."

haha HA HA. Loved that.

Besides severe intestinal distress, I felt no different after taking the Cytotec. Still spotting and the like, of varying intensity, but not really feeling like I thought I would. I guess I was waiting for the floodgates to open, and that just didn't happen.

So we wait until Tuesday, and if needed, get some "stronger" meds. Hoping the u/s shows this pregnancy disappearing by then. Hopefully.

So, as far as the weekend goes, it would have been nice for hubby and I to get away (by that I mean, drive the car somewhere FAR away from here), but we have a couple social commitments around town. He is going out after work tomorrow for a "goodbye" get-together for one of his employees that left the business. Saturday, we are going over to our neighbors for a party. Sunday, we have a picnic at a local winery.

ok, so it's not a terrible weekend, but I'll try to get by. ;-)

My childhood home

Owlhaven has a great blogging carnival going on today. The topic is to talk about your childhood home. And, I thought, YES... I'm totally in!

My Dad has his own construction company. He's always been a handy guy. Woodworker, plumbing, electrical, he was a master of all trades.

We had been living in a small ranch-style home in NJ (affectionately called "the green house" because it was...... well, the color green). When the business started taking off my Dad purchased 2 acres of land 1/4 mile down the street from our "green house" to build a new house.

This house (we called it, guess what? the "blue" house) was my favorite house as a child. My Dad built the house over the course of a year, by hand, with a few friends. It was a two-story colonial, and big in size by 70's standards. It was nestled in the woods with a long driveway from the street.

I have so many memories from that house. My Dad built my brother and I the BEST tree house in the backyard.... although it wasn't in a tree. He built it with 4 telephone poles (one in each corner) with a big deck. It had two levels. My Mom would pack lunch for my brother and I and we would sit in our tree house and eat. And, occasionally, leap off the second floor and require a trip to the hospital. The neighborhood kids were envious.

We had a pool with (you guessed it, a giant sun deck.. because my Dad never did anything in a small proportion). We loved that pool. I still remember dancing around in the pool singing Beach Boys music ("Surfin' Safari") and splashing with wild abandon.

I remember celebrating the "centennial" year (1976) in that house. I was eight years old at the time, and I remember being a girl scout. My Mom was the "cookie" mother, and that year we had cases and cases of girl scout cookies that took up the entire living room. I think that's where my love of Thin Mints started. lol.

Back then, thunder storms used to scare the heck out of me. I remember, vividly, watching the Donny and Marie (Osmond) show during a really bad storm and praying the thunder would stop before the show ended. My bedtime was 9pm, and there was no way I was going upstairs until the storm ended. Let me tell you how good my memory was... Tony Orlando and Dawn sang "Tie a Yellow Ribbon" as a guest on that episode.

Our driveway was lined with forsythia bushes that were this vibrant yellow in the Spring. I used to count my steps down the driveway from the door to the mailbox. There were lilac trees as well, and to this day when I smell lilac it reminds me of my "blue" house.

6 years after we moved into the "blue" house, my Dad bought another piece of land around the corner (8 acres, this time.. so he could have his business on the same property) and he built his and my Mom's "dream house", the house they still live in today.

Oddly, although most of my childhood was spent in that house, I still like the "blue" one best. Today, my husband and I live about 3 miles away from my favorite house. We pass it each time we visit my in-laws. It's not blue anymore, and the years have worn away the perfection my Dad accomplished in 1975, but I still think of the many memories we made there.

The most boring post ever written

It's Monday, which is the day of the week I hate most. S. is off to work at 6:30am. I can't barely wake up on Mondays (especially when I had one too many margaritas on Sunday), David can't get moving either on Mondays. He usually sleeps on the recliner while I shuffle in the kitchen, making his lunch, getting his clothes together, getting myself together...

Today was one of those mornings where you find it better to go back to bed and hide rather than face the realities of the day.

I drove little guy to his school, and bought a coffee, only to take a sip halfway home and find that they put SUGAR in it... which I HATE. Then, I round the corner to home in the car and surprise! the road is closed. I am a mere 750 yards from my street when friendy policeman says.... "sorry, road closed, you have to turn around." "But I live right there!!!" And I am forced to drive in a circle for 4 miles to get to the other side of the road where my house is when I can practically SEE IT from where I was stopped.

I have a dentist appointment this morning. I don't mind the dentist, but I am not motivated to go there today.

I have 62 unread e-mails from Friday, and I wonder if my co-workers are robots, because THEY NEVER stop working. Damn cyborgs.

And did I mention I still have no symptoms of this impending miscarriage? I have another u/s tomorrow for the Dr, to look and say, "gee, this should have started by now." Meanwhile, I've been reading up on recurrent m/c, and I am growing concerned that something really not right is the cause of my bad luck. My mind is reeling with a recent book I read that talks about the ties between the immune system and recurrent loss. I feel like bringing my books to the RE tomorrow, and telling them I want more testing in that area.

At the same time, I am soooo tired. so tired.

an A HA! moment, as Oprah would say

I've been thinking of writing this post for ages.

Actually, long before my most recent personal event, I've spent many evenings awake at night pondering the topic of Secondary Infertility. (which I will refer to in this post as SI, for short).

First of all, before I get into the meat of what I want to say... I do not want to alienate or offend my readers who are dealing with primary infertility. We all have individual battles, and each of us is just as important as the next.

That being said, I am completely dumbfounded at the lack of real, detailed, specific data and support for those of us suffering from secondary infertility. At the beginning of this year, I started researching this topic, as well, recurrent miscarriage as part of secondary infertility.

Yes, I found lots of infertility sites. Lots of resources for the "primary infertile".... articles, data, and support. When I searched on those same sites for "secondary infertility" I found usually one article that was purely put there as a footnote describing only the definition of SI, and lip service to where to go for resources or support.

The truth is, these predicaments are really very different in some ways. Sure, there are many emotions shared in general, but there seems to be slightly different emotions when you call out secondary infertility. Not to say one is more important than the other... they are not. But there is a helplessness and grief component that manifests itself much differently when you've had a child and can't conceive or give birth to another. It's not worse, it's just different.

Couple the topic "secondary infertility" and "recurrent miscarriage" as part of the equation and you get even less info if at all.

I searched on Amazon. They have thousands and thousands of books, right? If anything is published, it's there 99% of the time. You would think it would have at least a dozen or more books on the subject.

I found ONE book on Amazon, (which was out of reprint btw).

Last week, I called all the major hospitals and health centers in my area looking for a support group. I live near a major US city, so you would think that there would be all kinds of support groups for secondary infertility, right?

I did not find even one. I called a larger group advertised in my newspaper with the description "Infertility Support" and spoke to one of the leads, who informed me that their discussions/members tend to focus on traditional infertility and adoption. Most of the people in this group "are childless" she noted, or in the process of adoption.

Ok, so I am evidently not welcome there. My bad.

Look, I'm sure there are plenty of support orgs that are accepting of all variations of infertility, but at the end of the day... how uncomfortable would it be to participate in a support group knowing a few of its members may not really want you there? How do you meld into a group of people feeling confident you aren't being judged?

Even RESOLVE, a nationwide infertility association has just one page regarding secondary infertility. Where I retrieved this quote:

Even though secondary infertility has a higher prevalence rate than primary infertility, couples are far less apt to seek treatment for this condition. When their first child is conceived with ease, many couples are caught completely off guard by the difficulty of having a second child because they hold the belief that past fertility insures future fertility.

and this...

Sadly, couples with secondary infertility tend to receive less social support from others than couples who have primary infertility because the infertility is unacknowledged, the pain associated with infertility is invisible as the couple has a child, and there is no concrete loss in the family. In addition, couples experiencing secondary infertility may be recipients of criticism by others who think they should be grateful for one child and that it is foolish to go to extremes to increase family size. Of course, a couple can be extraordinarily thankful for their existing child and still long for more children.

Sigh. True words.

I feel like a puzzle piece that doesn't fit anywhere.

I am Googled out, and have come to the conclusion that if millions of women are experiencing this in their lives, where are the resources? Where in the world do these women and their partners go to connect? Where are the positive stories for those who experienced SI?

I have to tell you, when I stumble on a blog and meet someone in my shoes, I get so excited that I found someone else that can relate to what I am going through. I bookmark these blogs, and every day I find at least one more. There is a community out there probably itching for info and support.

So I have this idea. An idea to create an on-line community for secondary infertility. A place for connecting, sharing, and information. Because at the very least, I know the despair and the feelings around this more than anyone. There ought to be a place for women to go where they are not an afterthought.

I'm getting together some ideas on content, so if any of my readers (currently experiencing SI or BTDT) want to throw in some suggestions, I would appreciate it. Obviously, I am in the early stages. But I welcome ALL suggestions.

And, if you are a seasoned web developer that wants to help out (gratis of course...) please contact me.

More to come....

Enough already

Another day, another u/s. Pregnancy still clear as day sitting there in my nether regions., refusing to budge. It's as if the gestational sac is flipping me off on the screen.

Yes, this is not the way to end a pregnancy.

Dr. V says we now have to just "wait it out". One, two, three weeks for the natural miscarriage.... unless there's any sign of infection or trouble.

My mind now turns to more important matters, such as I have a business meetings coming up in Raleigh, NC and vacation in Disneyworld. I really don't want to have to be dealing with an impending miscarriage or heavy cycle (which I KNOW is coming).

If I had to sum up my feelings today, I would say FRUSTRATION and helplessness.

So, after this passes, and the obligatory two cycle wait, I'll be lucky if I can TTC again in October. That makes me cranky.

So what about the future?

The plan will be to move to injectables for a few cycles and skip the clomid, since Dr. V said that Clomid will likely not help me very much. The object will be to boost ovulation as much as possible in the hopes we catch one (or more) good eggs. If that doesn't work, then straight to IVF.

I've been also having a slight meltdown with regards to my health insurance. My plan is 80/20, so I'm stuck with 20% of the costs for everything. Today was u/s #7 and every time I go back it's like you can hear the cash register "CHA-CHING!" I am worried that the bills are starting to come in, and that this may be just a small part of what we will be up against in the coming months with what we have planned. To say I am sort of freaking out about money is an understatement at the moment.

I had a horrible day back to work yesterday. I couldn't even muster the strength to get through my e-mail, and then I found out that I am taking on some of my old work I thought I gave up when I was promoted into my new role... So, I will be back to working two jobs again essentially. For the first time in my professional career I am scared that I can't do it all. That all of this stress and family commitments, work, TTC, etc is just inches from blowing up in my face. I've always prided myself with being an outstanding employee, and I have been a terrible one lately.

I am not wired for failure (I always believed that), but how can I stay positive? It always came so easy to me, I would fall and get right back up. For the first time in my life I just want to lay down.

This is a path I have not traveled before. It's a little scary.

Positivity will get you nowhere

Sorry I kind of disappeared there. I took some time off and found it really nice to not sit at my office desk at all since last Wednesday.

So, catching up... the surgery went fine but the result was disappointing. I had the D&E only to find out from my RE that he couldn't locate the the tissue, so it was pretty much like going thru it all for nothing!

That's right, the D&E was only the "D" part. I still don't quite understand how he couldn't "find" the pregnancy. It was there on the u/s the day before. His call was that he didn't want to keep poking around and causing pain and potential complications. My uterus is in an unusual position from my previous c-section, blah, blah, blah.

Mind you, I had a sucessful D&E last year with no issues. Back when I actually still had a glimmer of patience.

I was so mad on the way home. I was trying to be positive hoping it would get me through this faster, and now I am back at square one. I have an u/s tomorrow to see what's there, and to discuss what to do next. If I have to sit and wait around for a natural miscarriage I might lose my mind.

Is it me??? I swear. I just wanted to move on.

Meanwhile, I was having a lot of cramping (no bleeding)... enough to warrant three Advils at a time. Oh, and the antibiotic they gave me (Cipro) has my stomach in knots.

Topping that off was my hubby came down with some sort of sickness, and he's been in bed for the last day. He spent so much time taking care of me I think I stressed him into illness.

The only bright spot in an otherwise beyond crappy weekend was my best friend drove down from North NJ with her hubby to spend some time with me, S., and David. It was a welcome break from a bad week.

Worst of all, I am back to work today. Work being the furthest thing from my mind.

Sigh......

Well, at least I got to visit the new Starbucks

Did you hear that?

That's the old Shelli coming back in the room. Bitter and angry Shelli is gone for now.

For the first time since Friday I laughed.

I had a conversation with my bestest bud in the world (Steph, are you reading my blog today????) I can always count on her to make me laugh even in the darkest moments (and there's been a few in the last 20 years). Thanks to you, my friend for always bringing me a good dose of reality and sunlight.

Well, S. went with me this morning to reconfirmation u/s #5 (I can't wait to get the medical bills on this last episode). Saw Dr. P's other partner, Dr. V. Dr. V delivered the bad news again, but it didn't register the same amount of angst and sorrow it did on Friday. It was now just something to be done before surgery day.

He surprised us by not showing us the door after the scan, but asked S. and I to meet him in the consult room. So we did, and to my surprise I found him to be very informative. We talked about the surgery... obviously (no point in not responding to the elephant in the room), and then we talked about the future.

It's interesting to get one doctor's view and then another. Dr. V had never met me before today, but he took the time to read my whole history, ask questions and then he said the words I've been wanting to hear... "If you are ready to move on after this, I am ready to get aggressive in your treatment... the faster we get you pregnant, the faster we can get to you to your goal".

And before even blinking an eye, S. and I said in unison.... "We're ready".

So after feeling like the world was ending, and questioning whether I am even on the right path, our WILL to have another baby seems unending. As long as the will remains, we will follow this as far as we can.

S. and I decided last night before we even walked into the office today that our journey is not over by a long shot.

So, I am counting the hours to 7am Thursday to put this particular pregnancy in the history books. Ready to move on, because that's all I want to do.

I left the RE's office, and to my surprise, the new Starbucks just opened down the street. I drove there and ordered a Venti Non-Fat Latte with a double shot of java.

Caffeine to cure the soul.

It tasted fabulous.

Inbetween

First of all, thank you all for your comments and emails. Your support is immeasurable.

I have to admit, I was pretty unraveled on Friday. It seems each time this happens, I am propelled into a place I don't like to be and a strange place for me. I wanted to be alone. I did not answer the phone. I went to bed after I wrote the last post, and literally did not get up until Saturday. I cried for so long my eyes were swollen until Sunday. I was disappointed, yes, heartbroken, yes... but I had another reaction that surprised me.

Anger.

I was mad. So mad. Angry. Pissed. Four miscarriages, FOUR!!! How could this kind of torment be bestowed upon someone like me? Why can't this happen for me, when there are ungrateful mothers out there, mothers who abandon children, mothers who give away their babies?

And now, I am in the place I hate most... the inbetween time. When you still feel pregnant but know that the reality is there is yet another missing life that did not get a chance.

I am waiting for the RE's office to call for my surgery time. I have another u/s tomorrow to reconfirm and D&E will probably be scheduled Thursday because of the holiday.

The D&E scares me, I admit it. I had my first one last April of 2006 (my 1st m/c at 11 weeks) and spending the day in a cold bed waiting to be put under is the worst feeling. My last experience wasn't painful, it was just emotional torture.

And now I have to go back to the hospital once again, to the same floor, same procedure, same emotions. Where every doctor, nurse, anesthesiologist asks the same first question.... "what are you here for today?" I think I will just bring a flash card with D&E printed in 72 pt font and stick it on my head so they don't remove my kidney or something.

To be honest, I don't remember much of what Dr. P said after my u/s Friday. I sat in his office afterwards frozen, the only thing I was thinking about was driving two miles down the road to see S. at work and have him hold me.

Dr. P just shook his head in disbelief, as he reviewed my chart. He said he wanted to take the fetal tissue and do a genetic workup to see if there's any explanation that would help explain what has gone wrong with my body since I had David in 2003.

I am not looking forward at the moment. In fact, I can't see past this week at the moment. S. feels so out in left field, he just does not know what I am feeling and he himself is disappointed and desperate. It's hard to stay positive when you keep getting knocked down. So hard.

What will we do????

It's a question for another day I guess.

Good? or really Good?

Well, there is a baby in there. See the grain of rice?

It's measuring right on. Heartbeat not discernible(yet), Dr. P. wants me to come back next Friday for another scan. He said it's a little too early to get a read on the heart. I thought I saw a flutter,(so did he) but it was not obvious. Then the conversation went like this:

Dr. P: "Michelle, this pregnancy looks really good."
Me: "Good like, how? Are you just saying good because you don't see a heart beat? Good like normal? Are you sugar coating?"
Dr. P: "I don't sugar coat, by the facts I see here this looks good."
Me: "So, it's technically not really good until the next scan and it looks good then, right?"
Dr. P: "I know you are nervous. I am telling you that I see no negative signs at this time"
Me: "So that's good, right?"

Obviously, since the measurements look good, I feel just a tiny bit of relief. I want the flutter to turn into an undeniable heart beat. I have to tell you, waiting another week will kill me, but for today... I am HAPPY.

and the winning number is....

Beta up over 6,000.... Nurse B. didn't give me the actual number except to say that tomorrow will be the key, because at that level they should see what they need to see on u/s.

I was about to say that it's (OMG! heart palpitations)not doubling, but before I opened my mouth she said 72-96 hours doubling is very good for HcG when it gets beyond 1,200.

It's sorta like the lottery drawing... we will all gather 'round the u/s machine tomorrow morning at 8:45am.... and the fate of this pregnancy will be in stone.

I'm scared, because I feel the dark clouds closing in, and at the same time I am feeling tomorrow could be my lucky day. I just don't know which way it will go.

The art of distraction

I took the day off blogging yesterday to ensure I was nowhere near the ability to surf and google. Granted, I still had my hands on a laptop.... my business one, but I managed to work the whole day hardly thinking about my status.

David spent the day with his Grandma, and after I brought him home he felt warm. By the time bedtime rolled around he had a 102 fever. Needless to say, I am like the walking dead this morning... S. and I were up all night tending to the boy. He has no other symptom except for the fever... is he getting sick? who knows.

I woke up this morning wondering what I was going to do with him, his fever had gone down after a few tylenol doses, but he was in no shape to go to school. So he's at my Mom's again.

After I dropped him off with his blankie, I made the usual trek to the RE's office for blood draw #6. I suppose today's results should indicate how well tomorrow's u/s is going to go... until then, I am trying to keep busy and not worry.

It will be what it will be I guess.

Besides working, I have a ton of laundry to do and some filing that should fill the time when I'm not doing business.

and we wait.

on a wing and a prayer

Did I call it or what? Today's u/s = inconclusive.

They saw a sac, with a tiny point that could be a fetal pole. Since I didn't chart this last cycle, I don't know when I ovulated (although I am guessing CD 15-17)... so it's possible that it's (say it with me) just too early......

So, back to the lab room for more blood, because if it doubled since last draw that would be a good thing.

And repeat u/s scheduled for Friday AM.

So I suppose the end to this story may come today if the bloodwork is poor, otherwise, I have to wait it out for another draw on Thursday and the Friday u/s.

I can't help but get a bad vibe from this. The only good news is that this pregnancy is definitely intrauterine and not ectopic.

Why can't it just be simple.

Why.

Must. stop. googling.

First of, thanks to all of you for your well wishes. I have had a lot of other sources of stress this week (other than the ongoing pregnancy saga), and it's nice to come here for a little "uplifting" energy.

I am stressed, anxious, happy, worried, elated, and nervous. And, with some time, I can think of about 100 more adjectives to describe what I am feeling.

Outside of my blog readers, no one knows about all this commotion which is good and bad. With my past history of losses, I can't even imagine when I will feel okay to talk about it. I long for the days when I was pregnant with David (in the first trimester) when I had no fear, and miscarriage was a word I was not familiar with. I just toodled along, dreaming of baby names and color combinations for the nursery. Innocent and unaware.

I guess Monday's u/s will tell the tale, really. What can they see in a six week u/s anyway? I figure best case scenario is they see the two spots they are looking for (sac and fetal pole), and worst case they see just the sac, and schedule me for another u/s in a week because it's still too early (a common phrase in the world of early u/s).

I would have felt better if they just said, "hey, let's just wait one more week", (7 weeks) and then we will know the ending or beginning to this tale with clarity.

So now I move on from one thing, to obsess about another.

Today, I am taking a break from Google.

I will not Google.
I will not Google.
I will not Google.

Sometimes it's better to be blissfully unaware.

David goes to Pre-K

A milestone has been reached in the BagMomma house. David's teachers have moved him up to the big kid's class... Pre-K

Where did the time go? It seemed like yesterday when I first brought David to his daycare at 5 months old. A little baby. I cried all the way home that first day after dropping him off. Being without him for 7 hours, three days a week was sheer torture. I remember picking him up on his first full day and wondering if I would recognize my own child amongst 6 babies.

I swear I did.

And, there he was, propped up and sitting on a yellow foam chair, in his Winnie The Pooh overalls, red cheeks, smiling. He didn't even miss me.

Then time accelerated through the toddler stages and then preschool.

And here we are. Next Monday he starts in his new room. Since it's Summer Camp Season, he won't be diving into his subjects until September (its all sun and fun for now). The room has these little desks they sit at for a short time during the school day (to prepare them for the environment when they go to elementary school).

When I picked him up yesterday he hugged me and led me into his soon to be "old" preschool room. In his cubby was a giant blue bag with his summer camp stuff issued from school, a camp t-shirt, and goodies.

And a tag that said, "DAVID - PRE-K"

He picked the bag up, swung it over his shoulder and exclaimed, "Mommy, I am a big boy finally! YAY!"

Finally.... as if each milestone hasn't mattered along the way.

For him, and most of his friends... they look at the Pre-K room like it is the holy grail of daycare. They wonder what goes on in the room, they see desks and personal computers, and separate art and play rooms. The little kids look though the glass on the way to the other rooms and marvel at "the Pre-K room".

Where the big kids are. The "cool" kids. Like looking into a fishbowl.

David told me he was going to spend an hour or two in his new class today, so I am betting about now that he has his sh*t-faced grin on.

They grow up so fast.

News

HcG= 310

which is, like, what, more than double? My fertility friends, figure that one out. It was 3.75 days inbetween draws since my last one was Thursday. I suck at math but this looks promising, right?

Picture me doing the happy dance today.

I am slow, but sure.

Next stop, Thursday for beta #4.

My bloggy story...

Chilihead has started a blogging carnival where you can share your blogging story. I'm joining in, because these seemed like great questions, and, I often submit to peer pressure. lol.


How did you start blogging?
I started blogging in Spring 2006 on a journaling site (not really a blog) but the site was cumbersome, and it was hard to upload pictures and customize/format the way I wanted my site to look, so I switched to Blogger last September.
Originally, I blogged for just my eyes. I had my site password protected and had no feeds running loose across the web. Then I realized it was a great way to keep in touch with some IRL friends and internet friends, and, hell, it wasn't like I was blogging anything BAD... so I let my little blog loose.

Did you intend to be a blog w/a big following? If so, how did you go about it?
No, for the reasons above, but then I started meeting other people who had great blogs and seemed like interesting people, so I figured, the more the merrier! I signed up with BlogTopSites, Blogexplosion, and Technorati in an effort to find more blogs and enable them to find me.

What do you hope to achieve or accomplish with your blog? Have you been successful? If not, do you have a plan to achieve those goals?
When I started this blog, I really just needed an outlet to jot down my feelings. And then I mixed it up with talking about my son, my hobbies (like my purse addiction) and my work-at-home situation. I guess my goal is the same as it was from the beginning, to meet other bloggers, be entertained by other blogs, and to blog about my own topics.

Has the focus of your blog changed since you started blogging? How?
Not really (see above), but I can tell you that I've developed a huge interest in writing about the day-to-day challenges of the WAHM Mom, and I would love to incorporate more about that subject in my blog. I love to meet other Moms who have the same struggles. I've also pondered writing for other blogs in the "working moms" space. I just haven't come across the right situation yet.

What do you know now that you wish you'd known when you started?
Hmmmmm, probably to put more thought to the blog platform used. I am on blogger at the moment, and pondering a move to another platform with more flexibility.

Do you make money with your blog?
I try half-heartedly :) No, really, I think I made like $20 bucks in total from ads, but it's not really about the money to me. I guess it wouldn't hurt though, right? Maybe I'll ponder that awhile longer and get back to you.

Does your immediate or extended family know about your blog? If so, do they read it? If not, why?
When I started this blog, I really wanted to remain anonymous to everyone. But as I've developed a love for writing again, I've begun to share with some friends and family, but others.... I don't know. It's like, if I put all of it out there on the table, do I really want everyone to read everything? Now that the cat is out of the bag somewhat, more and more IRL friends/family are readers. My husband knows about my blog, but isn't a regular reader. His take is this is my space, and he doesn't mind. But I do hope he checks in once in awhile... he probably does at work :) Are you there honey????
A few of my close friends are loyal readers, some long-term internet buddies are regulars, and my sister-in-law.
I don't think I'd want my parents or my in-laws reading this, but if they found me, I wouldn't be disappointed. Everything in this blog is me.

What two pieces of advice would you give to a new blogger?
Pick a platform with care and don't try to do everything at once. Blogging is an evolving process, and the beauty of it is what it becomes along the way. Some people blog for themselves or others, or a mixture of all three. Blog what you want and what you know, but don't get caught up in blogging a certain way because someone else does that format well.

And in news unrelated to fertility... :)

The current situation has been taking up a lot of brain and blog space. This weekend was pretty relaxing, consisting of a lot of doing "nothing".

Which is nice.

I putzed around my Target store, bought a couple of needless items that were on the dollar rack. (is it me this year or was the Target Summer 'seasonal' section underwhelming?)

I also took the opportunity to go to the Coach store for the VIP event, and I got a new purse (and wallet) 25% off!
You can't beat that with a stick.

I am going on record to say that this summer is going to be crazy. I have a bazillion social commimtments (something going on each Sat. or Sun.) every weekend through the end of August. The thing that bums me out is there always seems to be conflicts. So although it's nice to be social, it sucks when you RSVP to something and then get another invite for the same day. I hate to miss out on people and fun.

And on the fertility front, my pregnant self is still here. I went for another beta this morning, and am feeling less stressed about the results.

It will be or it won't... worrying won't make it better.

So, I'll be back later today with news. Good or bad.

Stuck in a Moment

I heard one of my favorite U2 songs in the car this morning, and it's like one of those things where you hear the song and can't get it out of your head. Sort of like a Wiggles song, that occasionally I can't stop singing in my head all day long "Hot Potato, Hot Potato". It just drains your brain of all intelligence.

This morning was a little different, because I started singing along and the thought struck me how it was so coincidential that this song mirrors my feelings today.

I'm not afraid
Of anything in this world
There's nothing you can throw at me
That I haven't already heard
I'm just trynna' find
A decent melody
A song that I can sing
In my own company

I never thought you were a fool
But darling, look at you. Ooh.
You gotta stand up straight, carry your own weight
'Cause tears are going nowhere baby
You are such a fool
To worry like you do.. Oh
I know it's tough
And you can never get enough
Of what you don't really need now

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
Oh love, look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

I was unconscious, half asleep
The water is warm 'til you discover how deep
I wasn't jumping, for me it was a fall
It's a long way down to nothing at all

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along this stony pass

It's just a moment
This time will pass

Bono, you are such the poet my man... you wrote that for me right?

I guess I should probably be feeling decent, but I have to tell you, I still feel like I am just stuck inbetween a wide range of emotions. Now that yesterday's test is over, the attention now moves to Monday's blood draw.

Monday feels soooooo far off, and I think that the verdict on this pregnancy will be evident by then, or clearer, I guess I should say. For this weekend, I am going to attempt to keep my mind and body occupied and be happy for the fact that for today at least, I am still very pregnant.

Thanks to all the well wishes friends... your support is immeasurable.