She works hard for the money!

Where have I been? Well, not too far- honestly.

Been trying to do anything to keep my mind off of being worried. The good news is I don't have to travel far- my work laptop is right beside my home computer and while you were perhaps having a restful long holiday weekend, I was busy working! A half-day of catch-up on Saturday, and one day of rest (Sunday). I figured Monday would be a slow day, but NOT... I felt like I was trapped in a whirlwind of deadlines and issues.

You see, my job security hinges on my ability to suck up extra work therefore making myself critical to the business. Hence, a chance of not getting laid off.

I know what you are thinking- I am clearly delusional. And in this corporate world crammed into a bad economy everyone is expendable. I get, I get it. I am merely racking up some good credits for later this month when I will take 3 sick days.

After all, I may be a workaholic, but I am not insane.

Yesterday (Tuesday) I did take a day off and went to see my stylist for a haircut and touchup. I love my stylist. I don't even have to tell him what to do with my hair, he always has the best ideas. Yesterday's idea... CUT IT OFF!! and so we did. Three inches in fact.

I feel lighter and quite happy. Not to mention I love being closer to my real strawberry-blonde hair color.

Then I went to Trader Joe's and bought myself some flowers and a mint green tea to drink.


By the time I got home, I was peaceful.

Not a bad day!

And time marches on

You know what stinks?

I am growing bored with my secondary infertility label. In fact, my lack in speaking about my upcoming donor cycle is directly related to the funk I am in.

I cleaned my Google Reader today. And I am a category lover, so it won't surprise you that of the 250 or so blogs I follow, I have categories so I know what I am looking at.

One of my categories, which was full for years is "SIF/TTC" or "IF/TTC" (Secondary Infertility/Trying to Conceive and Infertility/Trying to Conceive). The joyful part is over the years there's been a complete turnover. About 95% of my bloggy buddies passed through this category in my reader to "SIF/IF PG", "IF/SIF Adopt", "Off the Hamster Wheel For Good" (self-explanatory), or "Friends/Moms".

I have just two blogs left in my SIF/TTC category. One is a newer friend, the other... a blogging buddy who started TTC#2 the same time I did and curiously has had 5 losses as well (what are the odds, friend?).

While I am genuinely happy for all my buds who passed onto the other side (a few after a quest much longer than mine), or chose another path after much consideration, -the fact remains that I am still stuck in the same place.

And I'm still licking my wounds.

And some days I am fine.

And some days I feel like my heart could drop out of my chest because it hurts so bad. I don't want to reach the milestone of 5 years TTC. I just don't.

------------------------------------

Two weeks from today, I will be on vacation, far away from this situation... and honestly, it can't come at a better time. I am just exhausted talking about it. I don't want to talk about it.

So, just as a warning... my posts in the future specifically about what's going on with the DE cycle may be non-existent, or erratic at best.

Right now, everything is fine. The Donor passed my litmus test I talked about here. Donor is getting her Day 3 u/s and labs done while I'm on vacation (we missed the window.. her consult/interview was on Day 6 so we had to wait a whole month... figures). Basically, I should know a lot more after Memorial Day when I get home. Perhaps a June calendar if we are lucky.

I have an appointment next week for another trial transfer, sonohysterogram, and new blood cultures (mine expired from the last time I had them drawn). S.'s bloodwork expired too, so he has to go in for a redraw.

My mammogram is due, and my Pap is due (which means another visit to the place I can't stand).

Reminders that my journey just gets longer and longer.

For now, that is all. We now return you to regular programming.

Off the hook

Don't stuff your face...
Face your stuff.

When I walked into W.eight Wat.chers in mid January I heard this phrase as part of the first meeting, and it was something that stunned me. Trust me when I tell you, it's hard to be stunned at WW meetings.
How profound is that simple statement?

For those of us who have ever had an eating problem (or addiction of any sort), this is the root of it really. Emotions make us do whacked-out things.

Over the years, I have taken an introspective approach to my addiction of choice... food. I know why I am overweight. I know what it takes to lose weight. I just choose to do it or not do it.

The last five years had taken a toll on me physically. I was down on myself.... lower than the lowest I've ever been.

FAILURE is my trigger. FAILURE makes me sad, and worse... it makes me eat. Food won't judge me like people judge me. Yes, it's the oldest excuse in the book, but it is what makes me tick.

Sure, I wanted to change... but every pregnancy loss, every failed attempt at pregnancy, every job change and shift, illness, EVERY TIME I ran into a roadblock... my body revolted against me. I morphed into my own personal speed bump.

And anyone who has ever been in this dark place knows that it's so goddamn hard to pick yourself up. Sometimes we rely on others to lift us up when we can't. In the end, the buck stops with us. The reality is just as the phrase my Dad has always lived by...

"Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get goin'! "

Over the holidays I had an epiphany of sorts. Even IF I achieved all I wanted I would still be unhealthy in body, mind, and spirit. Let me tell you, hitting 40 was a major wake up call. I had pains I never had before. I felt slower. Things were just different.

I started to think about THE REST OF MY LIFE.

Yeah, heavy stuff.

I made pact with myself that day in January.
1. I will attempt to lead a healthier lifestyle.
2. I won't berate myself for making mistakes along the way.
3. I will nurture ME.

So, how's it been going? Even with the donor disappointment, and my work life on the verge of collapse I stuck to my pact. I feel the emotions, but I am not letting them control me. For the first time in my life.

I am treating myself well. I'm still doing WW, and happy to say as of yesterday, I've lost 30 pounds (still MANY to go.. don't get too excited).
I am walking again.
I started reading again (a pastime I gave up, until I realized how much it soothed me).
I ate an entire cheese steak last week and felt no regret (hence, did not fall off the WW "wagon").
I bought a pair of jeans in a size I have not worn in 10 years.
I made an appointment for a facial.
I now listen to music when I feel my blood pressure rising.
I let myself off the hook for my past.

And it feels good.

Hardly working

I have off from work today, which is a blessing since I have a monster headache.

I woke up, looked in the mirror, and scared myself to death looking at my roots. I so badly need my hair done. I had been putting it off since my stylist left town, and trying to decide who to see. I almost bought a box of DIY haircolor, but when I thought about it, I just couldn't do it. So I made an appointment for Thursday with my "go-to guy" at my salon (he was the fill-in when my regular stylist was on vacation or leave). I like him, so I think I'll just start seeing him. For my hair, that is.

We didn't do very much over the holiday weekend. Went to a nice party at my brother's on July 4th. His BIL rented a large, blow-up, mountainous waterpark for the kids, and David had a ball playing on it all afternoon. This thing was the size of a house. It had two slides, a rock wall and a waterfall. It looked like so much fun I pondered jumping on it myself.


The rest of the weekend it rained here. Yesterday, it was torrential downpours all day. So we made the most of it. Feet up on the recliners and a movie marathon.

...and now, it's Monday. S. is at work, David at summer camp.

Just me and the dishes in the sink, and about 4 loads of laundry.

If only I could assign tasks to the cats. Lucky cats. They get to play and sleep while I'm sweating my ass off cleaning.

Where's the fairness in that?

Seeing clearly

You all have picked up on my emerging positive attitude, but the funny thing is it's really just me being more like the me I usually am, instead of the bitter infertile I've been shaped into over the years.

I read somewhere recently (maybe one of your blogs, so remind me if this sounds familiar) that if you really look for something you will find it. I'm not talking about the ring that slipped off your finger at the beach, or the cheesecake recipe you misplaced in the kitchen...

Say you wanted to see a rainbow... logic says the best time to "find" one is after a storm, when the rain clears and the sun appears. That happens a lot no matter where you live geographically, but how many times to you NOTICE it? Probably just on chance, as I did last week when I opened the sliding door in my family room to rescue a plant that had fallen over from the wind. When I looked up, there it was. A beautiful rainbow. That could have happened many times before, but I never looked up.... therefore I never saw it.

But if you were on a mission to find a rainbow, you would look up every time you had the chance wouldn't you? And eventually, you would find it. In fact, I bet you'd find a bunch of them.

The thing about infertility is the ability for it to be a point to point journey that turns into (for some of us) a long ride. A failed cycle is so short in the grand scheme of things, but put all the failed cycles, testing, losses, and breaks together and many of us miss entire years of our existence. Never seeing a rainbow, because we haven't bothered to look. Too tired from the exhaustion, disappointment, and loss to ever bother looking up.

Shuffling through our daily lives just getting to the next cycle and missing.... everything.

This thought was reinforced to me in a conversation I had with my husband over the weekend. It was late Saturday night, and S. decided to enjoy the evening and sit out on the patio to relax with his iPod. I should have been out there with him, but instead I was sitting on the recliner (inside) watching a ridiculous and BAD movie. Half falling asleep.

Just then S. opens the door and says.... "I think I just saw TWO shooting stars!"

Me: "Get out! What did they look like?"

Him: "Shooting stars!" (....DUH)

Me: "I don't think I've ever seen a shooting star...."

Him: "Maybe you just aren't looking for them."


...touché, my dear.

It's just like my S. to come up with something so profound and not know it.

Seems that in addition to thinking positively for this upcoming IVF cycle, I should also start looking for rainbows, because, who knows....I just might find one.

All's Quiet on the Ovarian Front

7dpiui, and all is well. Went in for the obligatory u/s and blood draw this morning and the conversation with Dr. P went like this:

[Dr. P scans the right ovary, and measures large gaping hole]

Dr. P: "So, the ovaries look good. No signs of hyper-stimulation, so we'll do the HcG booster today".

[Dr. P scans the left ovary, and measures equally large gaping hole]

Me: "So, I ovulated then right?"

Dr. P: "Oh yeah, nooooo question about that, looks very promising. We'll see you back in 10 days for the beta."


Stupid newbie question of the day to my BTDT buddies... can they tell if you ovulated on both sides? Or was I just reading too far in between the lines?

And, have any of you had the HcG booster? They gave it to me to stimulate the creation of more progesterone just in case. I guess that's way better than those damn suppositories in the meantime.

In work news, I am off today! I closed out the year at work and home today with the boy. I'm thinking of swinging by Target for some plastic containers, and maybe a little miscellaneous shopping and errands.

Beats working!

Update: ugh, so the suppositories were prescribed anyway. I just can't seem to get away without those awful things.

An oasis for hubby

My dear beloved husband is turning 40 in two weeks. He's been pretty stern about not wanting to make a big deal out of his birthday. I am obliging, especially since I want the same low key atmosphere when my 40th comes around next year.

It's not that we care about turning forty. Well, we do a little.

It's a milestone that seemed so far off for so many years.

And here we are. 10 years to 50 (now THAT's scary!). and after that 10 more till I get my AARP card. bwahahaha...

I stink at gifts for S.

We pretty much buy what we want anyway, so it seems illogical to go out and buy something he won't wear or use. So I thought, how about something different.

So let me back up a little...

Husband of mine has a very stressful job. He has customers that beat up on him on a daily basis. When he comes home, he would optimally like to run up to the bedroom and hide under the covers and forget about work.

At the end of his workday, he drives though rush hour traffic to pick up David from school, then he turns around and goes back the other way (in the same traffic) to get home. Upon getting home, he is usually beat... physically and emotionally. He grabs a soda and sits in the recliner (HIS recliner! I have one too) and decompresses.

With David running about and shouting at his ninja turtles and throwing crackers and Legos at the dog, and the dog barking, and me trying to cook dinner and finish up my work in my office, and the phone ringing- well, you get the idea.

It's not very tranquil in the house.

Hubby had dreamed of having a quiet oasis in the backyard. A place to relax and kick back with some nice scenery.

Five years back, my Dad and my brother installed a patio (EP Henry Pavers), but it was square and plain. Nothing to look at, just grey rocks and moss growing inbetween them. No trees, no bushes, no flowers, no character.....nothing.

We had all intentions of landscaping the backyard. We just had a jillion excuses. It's too much work, it's too hot, what kind of trees and bushes, when will we have time to do it, who wants to haul dirt around, I might break a nail, etc.

Last month I threw away the excuses and asked my Dad to throw us a referral for a landscaper. I knew there was NO WAY we were going to EVER landscape it on our own. I decided to hire someone and get this monkey off my back for good.

I didn't tell S. until the crew was scheduled. When we came home from Florida last week, we pulled into our driveway, unloaded the suitcases, and found 3 men in our backyard digging.

SURPRISE!

And they finished Monday. They added a fancy step-off the patio and planted bushes, flowers, and trees!!! and it looks sooooooooo nice.




I finally have given my dear S. the quiet place he always wanted. ~xo~

Greetings and Salutations!

I had almost decided to title this post "BagMomma's Back Biotch!" because I was so inspired by Britney Spears dramatic performance on the VMA's last night.

Please tell me you saw that washed-up trainwreck.

I happened to pop over just in time while I was also watching Big Brother (take that Evel and Daniele!) and I was completely horrified at the first sight of the back of Britney's head and those REALLY bad hair extensions.

Thank goodness I could then turn off the TV (I'm not into the MTV awards, I just wanted to see the crash and burn).

But anyway, HEY! I am back from a restful vacation. If you call 'restful' walking 10 miles a day in 93 degrees and 100% humidity.

I did get that mojito I wanted, and a few margaritas to boot. It actually was a nice getaway, and I can't tell you how much David LOVED this trip. Sort of like a non-stop sugar high all week. Rides, characters, swimming... he was 24/7 fun and the party member of the BagMomma Bunch.

My company sponsored a "pirate dinner and party" in Epcot and David was HOWLING he had so much fun. We danced and sang and it was THE BEST event I ever went to in my life. Thank you Big Blue.

We had to BUY an extra bag to pack David's souvenirs and bring them home.

Anyway, I am going to do a wrap-up post later about vacation. Unfortunately, today is my first day back to work. I have 620 new e-mails.

That's 77.5 I need to read every hour today.

Glad to be back.

I think.

Blogging thru the mist

That sounds like a great movie title doesn't it?

In actuality, it's just the morning mist of a humid day in NJ. The kind of day where a person with super straight fine hair (me) can walk outside and have curly, fizzy hair within 5 minutes.

Where did the weekend go? I just don't know. I spent Friday evening camped on the recliner catching up on past episodes of Hells Kitchen and Ice Road Truckers (don't knock it till you watch it).

I slept until 9AM on Saturday! I swear I did! It was nice to wake up refreshed from 12 hours of sleep. I think all the sleepless nights caught up with me. And, it was QUIET. David was away, and S. was sitting in the family room with the dog. I made my coffee, and decided to stay in my PJ's until noon. Quite relaxing.

S. and I went to a neighbor's party Saturday night, and sat in more humidity on their deck drinking a new beer I hadn't tried before. Landshark, I think? It tasted like Corona. It was cold, and lovely.

I slept Sunday morning until 9:30AM. yee haaa!

David came back from the beach later on Sunday, exhausted from his fun (and I think my parents were a little exhausted too!) We spent the weekend missing him, and one hour home he was back to his crazy self. Chasing the dog, screaming for Mr. Softee... the house no longer quiet.

It was pretty good while it lasted.

Putting up my feet...

It's that time friends, we are off for a week of relaxation!

Blog you later!

T-5 and counting

I am just realizing how unprepared I am for our upcoming family vacation. We leave at the end of the week for a beach vacation in Hilton Head, SC.

As the MOM and the primary do-it-all for the family, it is up to me to make the packing list, fill in the blanks with frequent visits to Target for items like bugspray, sunblock, and pepto bismol, air out the suitcases, wash the clothes, pack, etc. etc.

Now that we are a mere five days out from the family road trip, I am sitting here at my laptop, starting the first day under my new role at work and sweating bullets thinking about how much more I have to do.

I am thinking that even with the case of wine we are toting down, it will take half of next week just to unwind before I start enjoying myself.

The upside is unlike some of our recent vacations, the rules for this one are quite different. This is not a vacation where every moment of the day is planned. This is all about relaxation, sun, food, and libations.

I've decided that I am also NOT bringing the laptop.

Nope. I won't be driving to the nearest Starbucks looking for an Internet Hotspot. I swear I won't. No calling in for messages. No contact with the outside world beyond my family.

I'll be the woman in the shorts and flip flops ordering an iced latte, and PERHAPS sipping it on the outdoor porch instead of bouncing back in the car and driving with one eye on the road and the other on the clock.

Hmmmmmm, I can't wait.

Until then, it's just the overplanning, stressed-out, time chasing Shelli you all know and have come to love.

After I've completed the last task/errand at the end of this week, I am locking up the office and taking a technology break.

Yay!