You're a hard habit to break

Am I crazy?

Well, I AM sitting in bed typing this late at night while guzzling a sports drink. I just about had a coronary a few minutes ago soon after quenching my thirst realizing that I was inadvertently drinking Weight Watchers points.

Wait, let me use my nifty scanner on my iPad.

Oh damn, I just drank 4 points. Argh!

Habits, so hard to break.

Sigh............, I'm back on the wagon. For the 2,566th time.

So while I've been spending time away from this place, life happens. This latest foray into weight control has no connection to a new years resolution. Rather, it's a pure scared straight lesson for a middle-aged woman. I guess that's what I am now, today... middle-aged.... If I happen to live to the age of 88.

Another birthday has solidified my need to do things differently.

Lately, I've been spending far more time in doctor's offices and labs than normal. It appears that this may continue into the foreseeable future. No firm diagnosis yet, just chatter and prognostication.

Damn, I've always wanted to use the word "prognostication" in this blog. Yes!!
Another item on the bucket list.

I had a blood draw a few days ago, and I stumped the nursing staff when my best vein decided it would shut down between test tubes 5 and 6. I had 9 to fill, so they poked around in my bad arm. Made me wistful of the good 'ole days at the RE office during infertility treatment. Those nurses knew my arms like they had a built-in GPS unit.

What I know for sure is I feel like I am 88. My muscles are so, so tender. My hair, well...you know... but now it pales in comparison to the other issues. Walking is a chore. It feels like I am trapped in a stranger's body. I don't know if losing weight will cure the diagnosis on the horizon, but I know it will help.

Thank goodness this situation hasn't curbed my Internet use. (snicker)

So, there I go again. The only beast as big and scary as infertility is losing my health, and I'll be damned if I take this next chapter of life laying down.

No pun intended.

I had thought about not posting any of these new developments here, but then, I thought... well.... I've already talked about the vag-cam for years, what the hell is the difference at this point.

I'm getting tired of thinking about blog posts in my head and never coming back here to type them.

So, for the handful of you still around, be forewarned, I am going UNFILTERED. I have no idea what I just meant there, but it sounded cool.

I've already blogged for 6 years here, what's 44 more?


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Hark! The Angels Sing in Irony

Where to start?

This has not been a banner year.

The eight year old in me will tell you flat out that it sucked.  The big girl in me will tell you that I was not quite prepared for the curveballs thrown at me.

It seems I broke myself while attempting to reinvent me.

To continue the saga of the hair loss situation, last I left you I was only 40% bald, and receiving monthly cortisone injections to the scalp from a dermatologist.  Since that time, I also modified my vitamin regime, and started cl.obetasol, to stimulate my hair follicles into reproduction.

Follicles, reproduction!

I feel like I am in my old infertile world.  Not.

Alas, the treatment led me to a now depressing 60% bald, but bonus! thicker eyelashes, which is pretty ironic.  I am soon appearing on a street near you as Sinead O'Connor circa 1990 or as an extra on The Walking Dead.

My primary care physician is more concerned with my cholesterol (which is high) and my weight.  I am more concerned about my lethargy, weird appetite, random muscle aches, and the hair.  The hair. A complete blood work up revealed normal everything (thyroid, blood sugar, etc.) nothing but the high cholesterol, so their take is I just need to eat better.   SURE.  DID YOU NOT HEAR ME?

Something is clearly wrong. Since I don't need referrals on my health plan (thanking my unlucky stars) I intend to find my own damn help.  

My dermatologist broke up with me (i.e. ran out of ideas) and gave me the name of a doctor that heads up a very large specialty practice for all things hairless and/or Sasquatch.  So over the bridge I will go.  The benefit to this place is they intend to look at other reasons, specifically the immunological ones.  

I will tell you that I've spent far too much time on Google, and the same things do come up, so I am really over the fear of the situation, I just want to KNOW WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. I hate to use the word ironic twice in one post, but isn't it ironic (fourth time) that a girl that never even went to the doctor except for infertility, paps, and mammograms is now willing to go to the ends of the earth for a decent one?

This post merely covers the health aspect of my life right now.  Trust me, there's lots more 2011 garbage,  I just can't seem to put the words together.  

I feel like a total mess.

Damn, I really thought this would be a great year.

Fooled again.

Beach Bummed

Well, July just flew by.

As promised I present you with photographic evidence of my spray tan. It looked great (ignore my mean face). Even coverage, no streaks, and no orange glow. I methodically used the blocker lotion on my hands, feet, knees and elbows as directed... and it was easy. Would definitely do it again, and especially for a unique occasion. For those of you who asked, the tan was via VersaSpa (not Mystic) and I chose the medium tone. I am intrigued to try the dark tone, but a little scared. Maybe on a week I know I don't have to go anywhere just in case.

So, l took my new tan on the road to Hilton Head, SC for our 10 day vacation. Didn't you wonder where I went?

We had a great time, as usual. This is the 6th year we've made the 12 hour drive. Sure, there was bitching and moaning being trapped in the car and dreaming of an exit on I-95 with a Starbucks, but the pain is worth it in the end when we see the sign that takes us to our home away from home.

David was like a boy obsessed this year. For one, he couldn't wait until he got the opportunity to go crabbing off the pier at the resort. He and hubby caught five blue crabs (catch and release), and they were in heaven. I particularly don't get the enjoyment of standing in the sun over a creek with fish smell lingering in the air, but to each is own.

Secondly, after David spent a week trying to make friends at the pool, he met a girl (insert oohs and aahs and curious eye rolling here). Is this when it starts, age 8?? Really? Goodness. Unfortunately, their courtship was short-lived.. she left the next day. However, he had a ball and I got a new friend too... her mother is the same age as myself and through conversation I found that she had her daughter via fertility treatment. We traded war stories, and it was really unexpected.  It was like meeting a mirror image of me, and so glad I got the opportunity to chat with her. Thank goodness for Facebook to stay in touch. Sadly, David is left only with a picture of himself and his new friend-  plotting how he might charter a boat to see his southern sweetie. I am still trying to help him understand that TN is not on the coast. lol.

We spent most of our days poolside, and if you follow me on Twitter, I posted a few pics along the way.

We were almost too lazy to spend time physically ON the beach. Too much preparing and effort. Plus, I admit it, I hate getting sandy.  Hate it.  However, we did take walks and collected seashells.

The thing I love about HHI is the relaxation factor. It's the only place I've vacationed where I feel truly rested.

After all the turbulence this year, I wanted that feeling more than ever. Problem is, once I shut down it's hard to boot back up. We got home on Monday and I've spent the last 48 hours walking into walls and navigating my foggy brain through the day.

The reality of being home was kind of a downer. You all know the feeling. Back to the grind, and to-do lists.

Speaking of  to-do's, I am making a doctor's appointment for myself this week. Been feeling off for the last few weeks and some oddness going on with my fingernails looking weird and my hair falling out in bunches (has been for the last 6 weeks). The hair loss is worrying me.  Really bad.  I am asking for a thyroid panel at my regular doctor when I get in, among other things. Surely, five years of shooting up hormones hasn't affected my endocrine system, right?!? I can only guess the crap my body is going to give to me now after putting it though so much over the years.

For naught of course.  Another post for another day.

So, I am back, sort of. Give me a minute and a latte and I will be ready to rock and roll.

I Want Candy

Day two of bedrest.

So with the incredibily suck-ass news yesterday, I forgot to update you all on the flu situation here at the house.

David, yes, is an H1N1 victim (as is a host of kids in his school). This morning, as I was sipping coffee and eating a peanut butter cup (don't judge me, the coffee was decaf, and the candy, well, wasn't.. it's Halloween week for goodness sakes so what better time to eat candy than 7:30am??)

I digress.

So, David is starting to feel better. He still has a fever, albeit a low-grade one now. He's out of school for the week, which means he misses all the Halloween parties so he's already guilting me into a toy from Target this weekend.

Meanwhile, S. and I have no symptoms. However, I began taking Tamiflu as a precaution (recommended because of my situation). Can I just tell you how EVIL Tamiflu is??? Tamiflu makes you feel like you HAVE the flu (minus the fever). What the hell hair-brained idiot thought that one up? I should have read the damn prescription dossier before I took it.

In any event, my goal is to stay healthy.

I cannot guarantee, however, that I will not consume the entire bag of peanut butter cups. I will attempt to balance it out with a salad or two, don't worry.

Thank you all for you kind comments and e-mails. It is because of you that I have any shred of humor left today.

I've decided to not think about what will happen if this doesn't work. Well, I know, sure.... it's a giant road sign that screams "THE END", but I figure I'll spend the next week pretending it's not there.

Down with the sickness

Because, really... could this week even be more drama and suspense filled?

Little D has the flu. His symptoms started last night and evolved into something closely resembling H1N1. They are treating it as that because, well... it's too early to be the seasonal flu, and he did have a regular flu shot a couple weeks ago. Process of elimination I suppose. S. took him to the doctor this morning for official diagnosis.

Half the town was there.

In speaking with the ped office and his school this morning, it seems Jersey went from the fewest cases of swine flu to a zillion in just the last week.

So far, S. and I are well. No symptoms for either of us. The house has been sanitized, and our hands are raw from repeated hand-washing.  I am waivering between concern for my son and concern for myself considering this is the WORST week for this to happen.  THE WORST.

I just want my baby to feel better.  And I want to not feel guilty for trying to keep my distance because of my own situation.

Transfer for my FET is tomorrow at 11am.

God-willing.

Bullet... Dodged

Thank you for all the comments from yesterday. Today, I am happy to report that the shooting pain is gone... just a dull ache at this point. Still taking the super-dose of Motrin for just today, then I'll back off and see if the pain is gone.

The doctor called yesterday, and the ultasound was negative. I feel like I dodged a major bullet there. Nothing like a life or death situation staring you in the face.

So the question remains, how does one have 48 hours of intense, repetitive (every 5 min) leg cramps if it isn't DVT or trauma? Hell if I know, but if it comes back, I'll be back to radiology for an MRI.

For now we do something I am so very good at... wait.

Speaking of waiting, amongst all this drama going on, the RE called me and said the donor got the "all clear", medically speaking. Contagious diseases and STD's are all negative. Nurse T said she wants the donor in for her psych eval within the next week or two as to not delay this any longer.

With any luck, I should be starting Lupron very soon.

And getting my official calendar of fun.

Scared straight

Where to begin...

Yesterday was certainly a wake-up-and-shake-out-the-cobwebs day. A scary day.

Monday evening it all started around 11pm when I started getting really, really bad leg cramps. The kind that makes you want to throw your body into a wall because it hurts so bad. I got out of bed and tried to walk it off. I thought I had worked through it, but when I went back to bed, the leg cramps didn't go away. They went on the whole night, in varying intensity every 15 minutes. No position made it better... standing, sitting, walking, lying down.... nothing.

After I got David onto the school bus in the AM, I sat down in my office and took Tylenol. Then I Googled "persistent leg cramps" for about an hour. Most of what I read was about everything that I already knew. Night cramps can be a symptom of low potassium or trauma. BUT persistent cramps? Dr. Google and my favorite symptom checker all said one thing. Blood Clot.

I tried to take my mind off with work, but the cramps were still there. So at 10am I called the doctor. I got an appointment for 2pm.

When I got there, I waited for what seemed like an eternity in the patient exam room. I read all the notices on the walls about insurance coverage, glanced at a BMI chart, and learned what various stool consistencies looked like (I kid you not, it was a poster with pictures).

When my doctor came in, she was cheery and noticed my weight was down 25 pounds since I last saw her in November. "Way to go!" She exclaimed. "Now let's look at that leg."

She asked a ton of questions and then measured my calves. The leg that was hurting was bigger. She asked if I was on any meds... and when I said BCP's her eyes went big.

"We need to get you to radiology for an ultrasound. I'm worried... this could be a clot." She disappeared into the nurses room and I heard mumbling "She needs an u/s and doppler NOW. ...DVT (Deep Vein Thrombosis). Call around and see who can take her right now."

Ten minutes later, I had a doctors note in hand driving to radiology while trying to contact my husband and Mom to coordinate getting David from the bus stop.

S. ended up meeting me and drove me to the lab. On the way all I could think about was how serious a situation I could be in. I googled DVT that morning so I knew that a clot was seriously bad. It could break free at any moment and travel to the lungs as a pulmonary embolism for crying out loud!

I was freaking out.

Since I was a fill-in emergency appointment, I waited longer for the u/s (thank YOU, broken and F'd up U.S. Health System) to the point that I thought I might just walk out and go to the emergency room across the street.

Finally, I was subjected to a very long and tedious ultrasound in a very cold room. I flexed my foot and tightened my abs a zillion times while the u/s tech took pictures and measured blood flow. The woosh-woosh sound coming from my blood coursing through my body reminded me of something else... and it made me cry.

By this time, it was late and my doctor's office was closed. The u/s tech took pity on me as she walked me out. "I know your doctor probably isn't open honey. It will take us an hour to dictate and fax the report. You know I am not allowed to give you results... BUT, if I thought it was of an urgent nature I wouldn't let you go."

God bless that woman. It didn't explain the pain I am in, but it eliminated my worst fear.

Today, I feel marginally better. The pain is still there. I am taking 600mg Motrin to take the edge off. If I'm not fully recovered by tomorrow.... then we have to dig further.

More tests.

Well, at least it will occupy my waiting time on the DE cycle.

Sick time, Entertainment, and a Bitter Infertile

I am feeling tons better (thank you!) and back to work with my head firmly atop my torso.

The upside to being sick is a lot of couch time, and therefore, a lot of TV time. After copious amounts of channel surfing I've come to the conclusion that regular TV programming is pretty boring and repetitive. There are some exceptions.

I caught up on the Top Chef marathon last week and awaiting the finale. Is it me, or is there something very magnetic about Tom Colicchio? He can cook for me anytime. lol.

I wasted hours I'll never get back watching Celebrity Rehab "Sober House" (is it wrong that I feel sad for Andy D.ick?) and Rock of Love (where do they GET these vapid skanks???)

But my favorite catch-up was Dr. 90210. He may be a master of plastic surgery, but Dr. Rey is a BONEHEAD when it comes to female reproduction. His wife (who seems really sweet, but spends far too much time locked up in their mansion) thought she "could" be pregnant. A conversation ensures where Dr. Rey says (and I am paraphrasing here)... "I just KNOW you are pregnant. You are MOODY and you have been eating A LOT." Wow. Now that is a diagnosis. When the test is ultimately negative, Mrs. (Hayley) Rey adds "my pregnancies never show up on a pregnancy test when my period is due". Apparently she is not infertile NOR a follower of Taking Charge of Your Fertility. For this fact, I am uber jealous, because I am reminded that most women are fertile beings like Hayley, not bitter and subfertile like me. Plus, her husband is a plastic surgeon. I mean, come ON!

I resisted throwing my banana peel at the TV mocking the injustices of the world.

I then thanked the heavens that Dr. Rey is not a Reproductive Endocrinologist. Although, if I am in the market for a boob job and a tummy tuck he's the guy I want doing it.

Perhaps I should take the money for the donor cycle and just get that done instead?

Nah. I'd rather be flabby with a baby in my arms.

Pardon Me, that's just my head falling off

Oh, yes. The post last Saturday filled with joyous anticipation of a lovely, heart-filled holiday?

Crushed by one big bad stomach virus and illness cocktail.

On Sunday, I had a really bad day. Vomiting in the girl's bathroom at my son's elementary school? That could have been a Kodak moment, especially when you factor in the cute little girl who asked me if I was OK while I was trying to wash out my mouth with water from one of those trick faucets that dispenses .05 seconds of water at a time.

Monday, equally as tragic. I had a deadline for work (on President's Day... who makes major deadlines on a semi-holiday anyway???) so I worked in between thinking about curling up in a ball in bed and wishing the world away.

Yesterday I felt marginally better, and then today I woke up with a migrane. Is the illness coming back? Oh, geez. I certainly can't miss my favorite show, Lost, tonight.

The good news? S. and David are fine.

The bad news? My head feels like a nuclear bomb ready to explode.

That would be gross.

Hungry like the wolf

Still recovering from the ickies (they took a lot longer to get rid of than I hoped). The good news is we are all now on the path to wellness again.

Speaking of wellness, I am now officially "back on the wagon" with my diet. Being sick gave me a five pound head start, and yesterday I went back to Wei.ght W.atchers. The good news is I gained no weight over the holidays! The bad news is I am still fat. And hungry.

Oh hell, it is what it is I guess. ...Baby steps.

David started his first season of basketball last Sunday. Much like soccer, basketball and 5/6 year-olds are a sight to see in action. Picture a bunch of kids under the basket with hands up in the air and clueless faces. lol. David seems to like it. He does great with shooting, but not so great dribbling. We bought a (real) basketball over the weekend and are working on that. Since I played basketball as a youth, I now finally have the chance to show David my "mad basketball skillz". bwahahaha. If I remember them.

Lastly, an update on the donor cycle. Nothing happened over the holidays due to vacations and merriment. I don't have a schedule yet, but hoping to soon. I got a call from the donor coordinator today, and the donor is still "on" (she has an appt. with the RE on the 27th), and is awaiting a new cycle to start. So, no birth control pills or Lupron yet on the horizon. Suffice to say that nothing interesting will be going on the remainder of this month at least. Not that it matters much, my schedule is pretty open and nothing significant is coming up that will conflict with the plan.

I am happy to be in a place right now of zen.

Concentrating on self-improvement and resting up for what the New Year holds in store.

Update from the Sick house

"Sick" as in illness, not "totally rad" (hey, I'm an 80's girl) or, what is it that the new generation defines sick? Like, awesome? phat? solid? fischnizzle?

Yeah, I'm SO not cool. Don't torture me.

So, S. is still sick, but marginally better so he's back to work. I am working (sorta), if you consider bringing my laptop to bed working. Or, the hour-long power naps I've been taking, oh.... every other HOUR.

I've had ear pain. Head congestion. A cough that rattles so bad it could wake the dead.

And David? Well, he's just fine. How we managed not to infest him with the germs is beyond me, although lately I HAVE been toting my can of lysol around the house.

In MILESTONE news, David lost two teeth!!

His bottom front two teeth fell out on New Year's eve and last Sunday. If I was feeling better, I would post a pic, but, alas, I am not in the mood for uploading from my camera.

Let it be known that David has noted that the Tooth Fairy is cheap for only leaving him 3 dollars for each tooth (he wanted $10!).

And so goes the last week of the first week of 2009.

Go Fish!

So it's only the second day of the new year, and it begins with two of us sick.

We've been pretty lucky lately, avoiding the sickies. S. even escaped his annual sinus infection (or so we thought). D. is his usual healthy self.

Then, the day before New Year's eve, S. got really sick. It started off as sinus-related, and morphed into a coughing frenzy. So I spent New Year's eve ringing it in (alone). Just me and Dick Clark (and that annoying Ryan Seacrest).

I was feeling a little odd, but stayed up until 1am anyway. What can I say? I just had to watch the B-list entertainment on TV.

I woke up yesterday feeling very tired, and woozy. Odd, since no alcohol passed my lips the evening before. By last evening, I was coughing, hacking, and sleepless. Illness #1 for 2009.

Today, sick. And since S. is back to work, I have the whole day to be sick and play with D.

Let's see... so far we've conquered space and the martian population, played three games of Hungry Hungry Hippos, built a Lego masterpiece, played cards, and used a crane to save the firemen from the burning wreckage of a building.

And it's only 11am.

Care to join me?

For your eyes only

Excuse my lack of posting this week, I've been hit with my annual Fall cold. My joints ache, and I have the worst sore throat. Eh.

The title above.. For your eyes only. After I wrote it, all I could think about was Sheena Easton. Whatever happened to her anyway? Now I am stuck with that song in my head, and it's all my fault.

Anyway, on to the post.

I've been busy doing research offline regarding the DE cycle. Besides trying to figure out how I am going to come up with the money, I've been putting together my exhaustive list of questions for the donor coordinator, Nurse T. I have a meeting with her on Monday.

Over the last week, I've put a lot of thought to how I want to handle this going forward, in so far as privacy. Those who know me IRL have been following my journey for years now, and my failures have certainly NOT been a secret to my family and those close to me. Which I am entirely okay about.

But as I embark on this new journey, I have a request:

My lovely SIL's read my blog, as do some close friends and family. I would ask that if you do know me IRL, please keep my thoughts here and the clinical details under your hat. Please don't share the specifics with anyone.

I am not exactly sure how much I want people to know about pursuing a genetic donor. This is merely a way to safeguard myself, and any potential offspring that may result.

There are so many emotions not sorted out yet, so please do indulge me as I morph into over-protective mom-mode.

You know that I am usually the person wearing my heart on my sleeve... an open book if you will... but for this part of the journey I wish to retain a little privacy.

As far as the world is concerned outside of this blog, I will merely be chasing another fresh IVF cycle. One more step along the path. And I invite you all to join me.

Insomnia

For the last five days or so, I've had a really hard time sleeping at night.

For whatever reason, my brain has been on overload. Being back to work, still adjusting to David's new schedule, and over thinking infertility has kept me from a sound sleep. I've averaged no more than 3-4 hours of sleep a night lately. I'm tired, I'm irritable, and my stomach is in knots.

Over the weekend, I started to feel a little sick. Just a minor cold, but enough to further exacerbate the situation of sleeplessness. I finally gave in and took nighttime cold medicine, in hopes that I would drift off into a deep sleep last night.

Of course it didn't work.

I went to bed at 8:30pm (early) but after tossing and turning I was back downstairs to watch TV at 10:30pm.

I went back upstairs at 11:30pm, and lay in bed watching the moon though the blinds. It was so bright, it almost seemed like the sun.

I thought about everything.

I just couldn't turn it off.

I thought about my job. We had a re-org while I was gone, and my job didn't change... but I was shifted into another division. Major shifts like this sometimes are the harbinger of bigger shifts. The economy is tanking big time, and my company is one of those stocks that everyone watches. Uncertainty in our stock spells doom for the blue chips. I am preparing for the worst.

I thought about S.' job, and how uncertain his job is also. And how much he hates it now. How I wish I could just wave a magic wand and get him a new job he loves.

I thought about my RE appointment tomorrow. I thought about the questions I want to ask, and the questions I am fearful to ask.

I thought about money, or the lack of it in the household. I thought about medical bills and utility bills, and tuition, and the credit card bills, and David growing so fast out his clothes, and how badly I need new shoes, and tons of other random, trivial crap.

I thought about God. Yep, I did. With David now attending a Catholic school, we've been making an effort to start talking to David more about religion. He is learning prayers at school. We're trying to get back to church as a family on a regular basis. Trying to connect spiritually with something... anything.

But there's a problem. My faith has been wavering lately. And the more we open up our lives to this, the more I am becoming angry. I am angry at the the injustices of the world. I am angry that a parishioner lost a 6 month old baby boy last week. I am angry that God has the audacity to give many of us MUCH more than we can handle. How can this be? How can this be right?

By 3:07am, I was still up and still thinking, and worrying.

At 3:17am, I went to the bathroom, walked back to the spare bedroom (as to not disturb S.) and sat with a tissue box in hand. I was so congested I couldn't breathe.

At 3:30am I pulled the blanket up over my head and started to cry. I don't know where it came from. I cried as quietly as I could. I didn't want to wake S. or David. All the while inside I was screaming like a banshee. If I had been alone, I sure I would have screamed out loud. I cried for at least 20 minutes, and then I propped up my congested head on four pillows and stared blankly at the window.

At 5:42am I heard S. get up to take his shower.

And it dawned on me I never went to sleep last night.

Please be kind, rewind

Thanks to all of you who offered support during my meltdown last week. Yep, it's been like that lately. I think there are times when you just want to hide in bed under the covers all day, and Friday was one of those days.

I am anticipating vacation, trying to tie up loose ends at work, attempting to line up my next cycle... and you know when it rains it pours. Just when I thought I had all my ducks in a row, a slapshot out of left field knocks me down and I am left to start all over again.

For example, yesterday I had to pick up David from school early. He was sick, of the intestinal variety, and he went through his change of clothes in his school cubby. The teacher calls me @ noon yesterday to come pick him up, and adds "it's really bad, I think he needs a bath." Yep, I'm coming. By the time I return, I have 10 minutes until an important work meeting, so I put him into the bath, suds flying and take a conference call while sitting on the (closed) bathroom toilet while David sat in the bath moaning his tummy hurt.

Fifteen minutes into the call, I put myself off of mute to make a comment at the same time David declares "Mommy, I need to potty NOW!!!!"

Oh yes. That was the point I tried to bow off the call gracefully. The remainder of the afternoon was David sitting in the recliner in my office watching DVD's on the portable DVD player. And me, moving all my meetings to today.

I had my RE appointment scheduled for this Friday.. my intent was to talk about the "new" plan before vacation so we could think about things over next week. But I had an epiphany this morning and thought HEY WOULDN'T IT BE NICE TO NOT HAVE TO THINK ABOUT all of this ON VACATION, so I did what any insane infertile would do, I called and rescheduled my consult for when we get back. I just started another cycle anyway, so it was really no rush... hell, we might even wing it and actually try the old-fashioned way this month.

So here I am, with a full day of rescheduled work meetings ahead of me and wash/packing for the trip. David is feeling better and is over his Grandma's today. By bedtime tonight, I plan to be back on track.

And tomorrow? I have a spa day planned. That's right.. something just for me. This time tomorrow I will be in the middle of a mango pedicure and manicure.

Hopefully not thinking of anything but awaiting the beach, the sunsets, and a mighty stiff martini.

Pollen attacks, and Moms who rock!

Allergies are the worst.

The trees sprouted pollen a few weeks ago, and hubby already has his first sinus infection of the season. And it's a dooooozy....

I know it's bad when my allergies intensify (usually mine are mild). I've been fighting off a killer headache all weekend. And today my eyes are red and I've sneezed only about 50 times.

Fun times.

I wanted to also mention I have a new blogging gig over at the (about to be launched) New Jersey Moms Blog... a sister site to the growing conglomerate of Silicon Valley Moms Blogs. I am excited to be a writer with a fabulous bunch of ladies, so do drop by, won't you??

Check out my recent post today, on this Earth Day. It's just me ranting about gas prices and pontificating about Fred Flintstone. Riveting material, I know....

While you're there, check out my fellow contributors as well, and even click out to the other regional sites. We are all Moms, and we have a lot to say....!

Random Thoughts

It's been quite a week so far. Some personal updates....

My Grandmother passed away peacefully around midnight on Easter Sunday. So, instead of joining any family get-togethers or big dinners... it was a low-key day. We went to visit my Mom and Dad who were just soooo tired (they went to the hospital right after they got the call and never went to bed Sunday). We looked at old pictures of my Grandmother that are going to be used at the service this week, and just talked. The viewing is Wednesday evening, and the funeral on Thursday. I don't look forward to events such as this at all, the whole "open casket" thing is mystifying to me. I can remember every person I ever saw lying in a casket, and it's not a memory that I think of fondly. It's unnerving, and for that reason I have always told my family that if I should pass, please don't put me on display. No, heavens, no.

At the same time this was going on, my brother was rushed to the hospital for the mother of all intestinal infections/flu. He's been sick for the last two weeks which culminated in being so dehydrated he had to be put on an IV. He looked terrible when I saw him on Sunday, so it was no surprise... but he's back home now with his IV. The lesson being, even strong young men can get annihilated from the flu.

And fall soccer sign ups are this week. David is excited to join a sport this year. I am less so since I wonder how on earth I will fit practice and games into an already overloaded schedule! Everyone else does it, so I just have to get over myself and find more time in the day to work and be a mom.

So now you know where I'll be if I disappear for a couple days. I may or may not be posting an American Idol post this week depending on how busy I am.

My goal is to get though the week, plain and simple.

Where art thou?

I'm here, I really am. Just taking a siesta.

I am grumpy, I have a UTI (again) and my doctor is closed (how dare they! I need antibiotics!), and some extended family sadness drama going on. More on all that later.

I will be watching American Idol tonight, so tune in tomorrow to hear more comments from the (almost) 5 year old thespian who is my son, David.

Until then, got any Mac.robid for my bladder infection? Sorry... oversharing.

Intestinal Fortitude

My tummy hurts.

I sound like my 4 year old, but it's true. My stomach is not feeling good. In fact, it's been doing topsy turvys for a week now. I thought it could be related to my current state, but as the days go by I am thinking it's a stomach bug. Everytime I eat something, my stomach starts to gurgle and I make a quick stage left exit to the ladies room.

This is not suprising... hubby has noted that a few of his co-workers have had an intestinal virus of some sort, so no doubt I either picked it up through him, or, more likely, my son's daycare. David rarely gets sick, but he's become a master at being the "carrier" for all sorts of illnesses.

The school posts all recent "outbreaks" on the parents board at the entrance. Today, we have pink eye (a usual one), and whooping cough.

Is it no wonder that I try to touch NOTHING entering or leaving the building??? You try opening a hinged door with an elbow. I've mastered each doorway and stairwell. I also keep disinfectant wipes in my car, and wipe my hands down as I'm leaving. I suppose if there was an option for a Hazmat Shower at the door, I'd use that too.

Ok, question for the masses.

Who here watches "Jon and Kate Plus 8" on TLC? My son loves this show (S. does too...secretly). All I have to say is I can feel my blood pressure rising at the mere thought of having 8 kids under age 6 in one house. The sextuplet thing makes me break out in hives.

I also just realized that the family in the show lives relatively close to me. And I also wonder who her RE was (it had to have been local, right?). And, what meds she was on (it had to have been injectibles/iui, because I can't imagine an RE would knowingly transfer 6 embryos via IVF. ) Did they ever talk about that on the show?

It just boggles the mind.

Well, back to work.

Two days to go.

Another soul in heaven

Luke was born in a bush outside my bedroom window at my parent's house.

We had started feeding a stray..... we called her Candy, and unbeknownst to us she was pregnant at the time. So it was a surprise when I woke up one July 4th morning in 1992, groggy eyed, to see Candy outside my window with four little kittens snuggled up to her.

I loved cats, and as a younger girl, we had a few over the years... but they were inside and outside cats. After awhile they would become bored and just leave, or met untimely demises despite all the love I showered them with while they were with my family.

I carefully adopted out each of Candy's kittens, and eventually one was left. I begged my Mom and Dad to keep him. I wanted to keep him inside the house with us. After much protesting, and buttering up my parents, they let me keep him.

I named him Luke.... after Luke Perry of 90210 fame.

Luke became Lukemeister (I think my brother started that name), or Mr. Meister, sometimes Lukie, often you could hear my brother and I shout.... "MMMMMMeister!"

He was a dog in a cat's body. He would come when you whistled or called him by name. He would follow me around the house, beg for treats, and sleep in my bed. If I was upset he knew I would feel better with him around me. He loved to be scratched under his chin.

He was there for my first job, my wedding, three houses, my pregnancy with David, my four miscarriages, 15 Christmas holidays, and 15 Birthdays.

And today he is gone.

Yesterday, S. and I took off to go Christmas shopping for the boy. But over the weekend, my dear cat had stopped eating and on Sunday night, he vomited all over the place. He had been hacking since Thanksgiving, and silly me thought he might have a very large hairball.

So we rushed him to the Vet yesterday (yes, the same place we rushed our dear dog not 5 weeks ago) to get some tests done. His weight was down to 10 pounds.... a shadow of his former tough-cat self when he was 17 pounds a year ago.

S. and I decided to let them keep him for the day. We drove 20 minutes to Toys R Us, and I was not even through the front door when they called with the result of the x-ray.

He had cancer. A tumor in his chest protruding into his lung and heart. As I held the phone to my ear, I suddenly felt dizzy and hot. I handed the phone to S.

I cried in the Toys R Us store in the Fisher Price aisle while hubby spoke to them on the phone. We had to put him to sleep.

In a short 24 hours he went from okay to pain. I just couldn't justify bringing him home.

So we drove back to the Vet, and Luke passed on yesterday morning in my arms. My Vet, bless her heart knew we just lost Teddi, and she cried administering the last injection.

The rest of the day we shopped. We went to Target. Bed Bath & Beyond, Sam's........Anything to avoid going home to silence.


I find it hard to accept the loss of Luke, and Teddi all within a month's time. I am angry at the world that I have to explain YET AGAIN to my son that we lost our third pet in a year's time (If you are a long-time reader, you might remember Gilbert died last year after only three weeks with us).

I am disappointed that loss has become commonplace in my family. I am angry that I have tried to keep hope and faith on my mind, and all the while just more bad news is served to us.

When will the heavens decide that our suffering should end?

I was so upset yesterday I went to see my Mom. She is already worried about me, that I know- especially recently. She made a comment that our loss could be purposeful. "To make room for the love yet to come..."

Mom, I hope you are right.


Luke, my constant companion: you will always live in my heart. Take care of Teddi, and Gilbert, and my four babies. I wish you endless naps, and pork fried rice in heaven.

I will miss you Meisty. Rest in Peace.