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HcG= 310

which is, like, what, more than double? My fertility friends, figure that one out. It was 3.75 days inbetween draws since my last one was Thursday. I suck at math but this looks promising, right?

Picture me doing the happy dance today.

I am slow, but sure.

Next stop, Thursday for beta #4.

Still in the game

HcG= 50 (more than doubling from last 48-72 hours)
p4= 36

And...... we wait until Monday for the next round.

Stick, baby stick.

Feelin' like a hot mess

arghhhhh... ever have one of those days? The kind where it's better to have stayed in bed and catch Maury Povich on TV?

I had my annual OB/GYN appointment this morning. Now, you all know that I hate that place, and not because I am one of those shy girls that dreads pap smears.

It's the place where pregnant women are in abundance. And, I am in no mood to sit in a room with a bunch of pregnant women when I am still as barren as the desert.

No sooner am I unclothed my OB, um, GYN comes in the room (Dr. D) and I begin bawling. Ok, not a full on cry, but enough to feel like an idiot with my wet eyes and runny nose. Waiting for my doctor to turn around and say, "sorry wrong exam room, there's a highly emotional wreck in that one."

She said, "let's talk, you look stressed". And we did. Most of the conversation being I just turned 39 in February and I am getting old (I'll be 40 next year!), and I am being treated at the fertility center you referred me to but the doctor there (who really is nice) won't give me meds until I lose another 10 pounds and I can't, and the stress of baby sex is killing me and now my cycles are getting longer (no doubt due to stress) and I just want a vanilla cream donut and an iced latte....

sigh... gulp

for crying out loud, what the heck.

After shit dribbled out of my mouth for 5 more minutes, she said... "take a deep breath. You are not running a race, this is a life marathon and you still have time on your side. Stress won't help you, you need to find a way to relax".

Clearly, she has forgotten that I am 2 years into this marathon, but I appreciated the sanity check. ok- in the moment I was pissed, but I can appreciate the thoughts now.

Then she told me to call Dr. P (my fertility doc) and demand that I start meds next cycle. "He's reasonable", she said, and "he won't turn you down if you simply say you've reached the end of your rope".

I've reached the end of my rope it seems. Once I was back in the safe confines of my car I cried the whole way home. I am disappointed in my body for failing me. I am sick of trying to get pregnant and sick of having the pregnancies result in miscarriages.

I know I've been avoiding blogging about my fertility woes lately (if for any reason just to pretend to myself that it doesn't matter), but dammit, this is my blog, and I need to vent. And it does matter.

Because I am not done with adding to my family. It hurts, and I feel like there is the most GIANT hole in my heart.

I thank God every day for having my sweet David and my husband in my life, but I feel like there is a family member still missing. And I just can't come to terms with dealing with this stress.

It's exhausting to be a hot mess.

Sigh............

Bad luck, Part Deux

Well, S. and I went to our 2nd consultation with the RE yesterday.

I was hoping that there would be a "smoking gun" that would put all the questions to rest. Everyone would say "aaaaaaaah, so that's why your can't get pregnant quickly and hold onto a pregnancy!" , we would treat it, and go on our merry way.

But of course not.

We talked about the issue of my one tube being "possibly" blocked, and that could be a reason why it's taking longer to get pregnant, but that does not play at all into the pregnancy losses I've had.

My bloodwork was all normal. They suspected maybe PCOS since my one ovary was "suspicious", but nothing else spoke to that diagnosis. My fasting blood sugar was 88 and insulin was 10. Normal.

My Day 3 bloodwork, normal. I was so wrapped up into thinking I may be in early menopause, but FSH was great, and follie count was quite good for my age under u/s. observation.

He said that when they checked my progesterone last month, it was just a little on the low side. Previously, my progesterone has been really great... but he indicated that it is very much a moving target. And perhaps supplementing with progesterone in the next cycle is a good idea (just in case).

My RE proclaimed, "Looking at all of your diagnostic testing leads me to believe that you have a better than average chance that you will get pregnant and you will have a viable baby".

and... then... wait for it..............

"I know you probably don't want to hear it, but you really seem to just be running into bad luck lately."

There it is again.

That "bad luck" diagnosis.

S. and I looked at each other, and smiled a crooked smile. Not the first time a doctor has said that to us.

So, what now???

Well, Dr. P. want me to lose a little more weight. It's quite possible that my weight does play a factor in all of this, and I am willing to admit that. After all, I am carrying too much weight... no argument there (I could stand to lose another 50 pounds in addition to the 10 I lost so far).

He wants me to strive for 10 more over the next 6 weeks. Losing 10 more pounds puts me back to the weight I was when I conceived David, and it's a mental thing for me too.

Then, we will try a couple cycles of clomid to "boost" my ovulation, and progesterone in the 2WW...

So right now, I am still in full weight loss mode. It won't take me more than a month to lose another ten, so it gives me something to focus on other than obsessing about my cycles, plus it's good for me no matter if it affects my fertility or not.

So, we keep moving forward.

Too bad it's Monday, I could have called it Torture Tuesday

What a better way to start the day than subjecting oneself to an outpatient procedure on a Monday.

After the DST time change, when you are grumpy already because you are -1 hour of sleep.

So, I had my HSG today. It was pretty uneventful, except for the fact that I have a cervix that likes to hide (thanks Doc).

After 15 minutes of playing hide and go seek with my female parts, Dr. P inserted the dye and discovered that my left tube is wonderfully open. My right tube is questionable.

No dye traveled into the right tube, so the assumption is that it is blocked. Dr. P is an RE brimming with positivity, so he proclaimed that just because the dye didn't travel through there, all hope is not lost and there's a significant possibility that it is just fine. Could be a spasm or the dye just liked traveling to the left better.....

... and then.....why exactly did I torture myself this morning then?

Ok, I'm not being sarcastic. I love my RE. I guess that all this diagnostic stuff is what it is, (this is what I am paying him for) so I won't go stomping off yet.

Then S. met with Dr. P and they had manly conversation while I was very uncomfortable in my nice blue 3 armed hospital gown.

No one said how horrific the cramps would be afterward. I am a bit of a patsy with pain, so I toughed it out as we walked out of the hospital. Cramps only lasted an hour.

It's 4 hours later and here I am blogging about it, so not all that bad I guess. Seriously, Dr. P was not really overly-concerned about the results, so I am ok with that. He asked me to call his office and set up another consult for our master plan.

Blocked tube or no, I have plenty of reasons to be optimistic I guess.

I'm off to pick up some antibiotics and the toddler.

Catch ya tomorrow friends!

A little inspiration

Yesterday, I had my u/s at the RE's office. The good news, no cysts or anything that may be hindering me on the fertility front.

Bloodwork, all done. Results still not known.

Next Monday is the HSG, which will complete the picture for testing. After the HSG is done, we will have a bonifide plan of action.

I am happy that Dr. P has me on this accelerated pace. It makes me feel like I am moving towards my goal.

As I was driving home yesterday, I passed the most peculiar sign on the way home. It was a quote that someone put on the local elementary school announcement board (you know, the kind of sign that you can slide letters on and off).

"The world says it's not possible... but hope whispers to try it one more time."

To be honest I would expect to maybe see that in front of a church, it was odd that someone spelled it out on the school sign.

Nevertheless, it was a dose of inspiration well received!

On the path... again...

If you have no interest in fertility, you can stop reading here. lol.

This blog is going to be leaning heavily to the babymaking business in the coming months... but I promise I will still stay as witty as ever. Lord knows I'll need all the humor I can muster with all that lies ahead. Please hang with me, won't you?

I had my RE appointment today. For once, I walked out of a doctor appointment feeling good.

The doctor spent an hour and a half with me. It was truly nice to not feel rushed and to be educated on all things fertility related. What a nice appointment. He lifted my spirits, and that is something I sorely needed.

You rock, doc!

For the next three weeks, I am at the mercy of my new favorite doctor. More blood tests (now S. gets in on the action too), some genetic testing, and finally this month I get my Day 3 FSH testing too see how old me "body" thinks I am (i.e. my eggs).

And, this cycle will be fully monitored. Which means, appointments and ultrasounds out the wazoo.

I came home with a handful of information, and finally, some optimism. Considering I've spent the last year and a half spinning my wheels, this will be a welcome schedule.

{sigh}

That's me breathing a little better today... or at least until the medical bills start rolling in.

If it ain't broke, how do you fix it?

So, I got back my last test results of my fertility work up, and

tada!

all normal.

While I love to know that I am the poster-child for fertile normalcy, I am growing more concerned that finding nothing to fix is much more difficult than being defective.

So, at this point, my OB agreed to transfer my bloodwork and history to an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist).

For...

you guessed it... more bloodwork.

If anything, the hope is that I can at least get pregnant faster, so if I am doomed to miscarrying again and again I don't lose more valued time as I creep further towards (gasp) 40 years of age.

So call me gloomy today. It's hard not to grow more ambivalent about all of this, but I won't give up... not yet anyway.

System Failure

Well, on the eve of my birthday, I am rewarded with not just the knowledge that my reproductive system is not working well, now I find out my immune system has also checked out on me.

Or disappointed me I should say.

I have a lousy, yucky cold (or the beginnings of the flu methinks). Chills, headache, sore throat... etc.

Oh yeah, and PINK eye too (complements of my son's preschool class). David has it too, and now hubby likely as well... so we are all sharing the same Gentamicin eyedrops.

David cried bloody murder this morning when I was trying to dispense said eyedrops. Does he think I do this for fun??

He was allowed back to school today, and when the teacher greeted him, David said....
"My Mommy really hurted me".

You should have heard me explaining the morning to his teacher. I'm sure if I didn't say anything CPS would be at my door.

And it's not even the end of the week yet.

Presenting...the human pin cushion

More fun. I just got back from the lab for another blood draw.... 16 vials of blood.

Not kidding.

I copied the list of things my OB had on the script to test. I don't even know what any of it means except they took so much blood from me I was lightheaded afterward.

Not good when you have to drive home, btw.

I am feeling a bit better today about all of this. Well, besides the torture I just went thru.

Despite the circumstances, I am putting on my cap of optimisim and doing whatever I need to do to get where I need to be.

Flying blind at the moment, but so be it. I can get through this with baby steps.

what now?

I went into the OB's office yesterday for blood work. I rushed over there because the nurse said that if I got there before noon, they'd have the results back by the end of the day.

Fast forward to 8pm, last night... my doctor calls me, completely unaware why I was in the office for blood work. The nurse did not write in the chart WHY the doctor was to call me!!! Can you believe that?!$! She's calling me to schedule an u/s, and I'm like... "HELLO, miscarriage here!"

I was so annoyed.

So, the results didn't come back... now I am waiting until later today for a phone call from the doctor on next steps. I assume since I was early into my pregnancy, no d&c is needed. I frankly, don't even want to talk about the miscarriage... I just want the doctor to tell me where do we go from here. What happens now???

I can't comprehend trying again, when it took so long to conceive this time. S. has been so supportive... "this won't beat us down, honey... we can move forward", he says. It's unusual for him to be the optimistic one. In fact, most of the time I am the optimist and he is the glass half-empty guy. I guess that is why we balance each other so well.

I am just tired. I will be 39 years old on Friday, and I would have never bet in a million years that I would be approaching 40 and still not completed my family. My heart breaks every time my son asks me for a brother or sister. I can't hold back the tears when he looks at me and asks that question. That little boy of perfection, why oh why couldn't he have been a twin so I wouldn't be in this predictament?

Now that I am an official fertility reject, I need to shout out to the cyber world because right now this is the only thing that will make me feel better...

This is NOT FAIR!


Sh!t, I still don't feel better. :(

From the Desk of BagMomma

Dear Santa,

Hi Santa, it's me, Shelli. Do you remember me?

I am the little girl from Sunset Avenue that was always on your "good" list (at least I always thought that I was). By the way, I still love my Barbie Corvette and Smurfs you brought me. I still have the corvette (and some of the barbies, but I chopped their hair off... still safely stowed away at Mom and Dad's house). I did throw the Smurfs away, I mean, they are blue trolls after all... who would keep them??

I've been really good this year, even though fate has conspired against my family to make 2006 one of the saddest and unlucky years in recent memory.... a year which has propelled me into the depths of sadness and kleenex tissues (not the lotiony kind, I really hate them... why would Kleenex think I want lotion on my nose anyway...?) ummmmm... ok. sorry.... going way off topic there.

Anyway, the reason I am writing is quite simple. I wish for 2007 to be a better year.

I wish for health for my family (especially my Mom and Dad). And, continued prosperity so that my credit card debt does not grow larger because even though I tried to budget this Christmas, I can't contol buying for those I love. And, Santa, speaking of growing larger, I wish for a smaller butt (and a flat stomach you could bounce a quarter off). Oh, and I wish that the Fedex man would finally find my house and not deliver my packages to the other #608 across town.

I wish that I will finally get the job I deserve, and that my stock options grow in value. I wish that my husband won't be passed up for a promotion in 2007 because "someone owes someone" a favor. I wish that we will finally get a new pet that won't die on us after we become attached. I wish for a maid to finally shine my shower the way it deserves to be so that it is actually white again.

I wish that I could finally get that BFP on a pregnancy test and a healthy baby because it kills me when my son asks for a brother or sister because he's lonely. I wish for fresh coffee at 3pm at Dunkin Donuts when I need my coffee fix.

And Santa, I wish for world peace and to end any human suffering (you'll need to work with the big man on that one I suppose... and I'm not talking about George W Bush).

Santa, I have always believed in you, so I hope you still believe in me. I promise to leave you your favorite cookies... just like always.

Yours truly,

Shelli xxoo

Not infertile, just bad luck?

2006 has not been a great year, for reasons I could write a book on. This post is just about one of the challenges.

Today, I met with my OB/GYN to discuss a plan of action on the fertility front. It's been 6 months since my miscarriage. So, after waiting in a packed waiting room of (pregnant) mommies, I took a seat in her office armed with my cycle history and more info than anyone would care to know (well, my Ovusoft buddies would.. and you know who you are).

Dr. D took a look at my historical data, and exclaimed that there is no good reason that I am not pregnant, it must be just bad luck. And she smirked.

Then she went on to the statistics of achieving pregnancy, and noted that my slight impatience could well be the fact that this time around is just taking longer, but not necessarily is that bad.

When I conceived my son, I got pregnant on the second cycle trying.
When I got pregnant this year, I got pregnant on the third cycle trying.

Ergo, it is not likely that I am as barren as the desert, in fact history has shown I am quite fertile and capable of acheiving pregnancy.

I really appreciate Dr. D. This is the reason I love her to death, she is a straight-shooter, call it like you see 'em gal.

Sometimes you need someone to validate your feelings. I know I am hyper-sensitive to this whole TTC thing, especially since I am getting older, and she understands this but doesn't want me to go jumping into the sharks... yet.....

She studied the graphs I gave her, and saw what any other qualifed OB/GYN or RE would see... I am ovulating fine on my own. Cycles are in normal range. Menses.. normal. No other symptoms to indicate any issues. Nothing really out of the ordinary except the fact that I am not pregnant yet.

Because I love that she understands completely that I am a Type A perfectionist, she has agreed to start some testing... to put my mind at ease. First stop, testing on CD 21-23 (I am on CD10 now) to check progesterone, thyroid function, etc.

No meds, because right now, I am ovulating just fine. We'll continue some bloodwork over the next month to see if anything out of the ordinary comes up. She has hope that she will see me again very soon in her office, this time as a pregnant patient.

In the meantime, it's just wait and see. I really think it's the hex of 2006.

Thank god there's only a couple weeks left.

POAS Syndrome Defined

Not that I am dying to test or anything, I just thought this was cute! Click on the image to enlarge the picture.

The longest wait

The 2WW is the longest two weeks for a woman on a mission to have a baby. I was very fortunate to have my first pregnancy come so easy. I guess I "missed out" on the obsessive part of TTC(trying to conceive). Boy, am I getting that back in spades now.

Each month revolves in the same fashion:
new cycle
excitement
wait for ovulation
wait 2 weeks
hope and pray
test
disappointment
start over

I have an OB/GYN visit looming in the near future to uncover any issues. Part of me wishes I had none, but the other part says YES tell me that I have some sort of defect that I can fix. I'm a fixer and a perfectionist, so I live in the world of concrete answers.

Don't paint me a picture... just give me the facts.

I guess that is why I am so uncomfortable in this limbo right now. I was so sure I'd be pregnant again soon after the miscarriage. I thought, yeah, 4 months... tops. Well, the fact is time really does a number on you with a failed pregnancy. I was pregnant for three months before I found out it wasn't viable. The biggest let down.

Then I had to wait two months to get the plumbing back on track. Truth be told, I needed those two months to heal mentally, and I am glad I waited it out. So, we started trying again in June.

And, here we are again. November is just around the bend. Wow, if I only could have seen the future back then.

Oddly, it seems like eons ago. Like another life almost, and yet it's only been a year.

We are planning a family trip in May. It's like the whole world hinges on the thought, "I could be pregnant then so...." I can't do that anymore. And although it's exhilarating to be freed from the ball and chain of scheduling to the calendar.... I feel like I am giving up on myself too soon.

I don't want to give up on me.

I was just thinking that I really, really don't feel like I could be pregnant this cycle. I keep trying to remember what it feels like when I was newly pg, and I just can't remember, and it drives me crazy. I want to know yet I don't want to know.

I'm tired of being the odd-woman out. But I never seem to tire of the idea that my dream is just around the corner.

Conflicted? Absolutely.
Hopeful? Hell yeah, that's all I've got.

Waiting for the weekend...

Well, considering this week has been pretty sh*tty, it only makes sense that it just goes downhill from there.

Steve and I were taking off tomorrow to do a car trip with David to Lancaster County for some shopping in Amish country. But, Steve's boss has now cornered him into working tomorrow.

Grrrrrrrr....

I am contemplating canceling my day off tomorrow, but what the heck... I need a day off to putz around and do nothing. Maybe I'll take a drive on my own to the new Target that just opened. I found out there's a STARBUCKS inside. Yee haw.

Now I have two Target stores in an 8 mile radius.. cool.

On the TTC front, I went out and bought a fertility monitor. $200 bucks later, armed with more baby-making ammunition than I care to admit... I am onto another cycle of hope. So now, I have to remember to take my temperature in the AM and pee in a cup. Fabulous.

Wish me luck!

{sigh...}

Well, many of you who know me IRL or online know I've been trying to have another baby. After a cycle full of promise, another BFN (Big Fat Negative... for those of you not one of my buds from the "Ovu community"). Armed with a box full of HPT's and a break from the pc, I tested and was highly annoyed to see just the test line staring back at me. Another failed cycle.

I could cry, and I did. Normally, I am a very contained person, but the need I have right now to shout at the sky is outweighing my usual mode of keeping positive and calm.

Next week marks one year since S. and I decided to try to add to our family of three. Nothing to show but a miscarriage in the Spring. And an awful one at that... I was just entering my second trimester, thinking all was well and right with the world, then BAM! taken away.... just like that.

I was upset, but I moved on with hope that lightening only strikes once.

And that might be true, but I'll never know unless I get pregnant again.

The last hour, I've just been sitting at my desk, like a blubbering idiot. Too emotional, in fact, to be able to type this and make any sense....

sooooo....I'll leave the over-analyzing for later, when I have the time and want to jot down here in my blog. For now, I just wanted to write this down for my friends checking in on me who knew I was testing today.

Yeah, it's bad news, and it flippin' sucks. Not much more to say on that.