the impatient patient

Well, where to start....

I went in for my follow-up after the Cytotec protocol last week, and as usual.... good news and not so good news. Good news is my 7.5w gestational sac has finally given up it's grip (who knew my uterus would be as stubborn as me). Most of tissue is gone, with a small amount still hanging around to mock me on the u/s.

Dr. V was on vacation (hopefully somewhere nice) so Nurse S did the u/s. I mentioned Dr. V called me yesterday at home, twice, over the last week...and she was surprised. But then she said Dr. V is a very concerned doctor, and how nice that he called me from vacation to check up on me. I guess that is very nice, and much different from my last doctor.

To which I was thinking, geez, maybe he's being super attentive because he is praying that this miscarriage is over and done with because I've been a PIA patient. Not by my own fault. It just seems so odd that for a person that can't stay pregnant, that it takes so frickin' long to become un-pregnant (not a word, but you get the idea).

So, they want to see me back for... u/s #15-16? sigh, there's been so many..... next Tuesday.

The good news is Dr. V will be back from vacation and I suppose we will get into the details of what happens next. He wants to jump right to injectables, but I am still hung up on wanting to know WHY I am having these miscarriages.

I have questions.... lots of them. I've been reading up on recurrent miscarriage and I would just feel better if he went over all my bloodwork again to see if there's anything we missed. I feel like something HAS to be wrong. How could I have had no problems conceiving David 4 years ago and now be in the mess I am in?

I am in need of a plan. A serious plan.

But I also know that I may never know all the answers.

And, to a Type A personality like mine, this is the cruelest truth of all. I may never know.

an end in sight?

Update on my current fertility woes...

I started having some spotting yesterday, so I went in for another visit to the RE. Dr. V found via u/s that the "products of conception" where still hanging on....

so now we are moving on to Cytotec to get the miscarriage over. I do not have any experience with this (my previous m/c all ended with "completed" D&E's unlike this debacle), so any of my IF buddies who have had meds to accelerate a miscarriage, please let me know your experience. Dr. V says I will feel like crap for two days essentially.

It's two doses two hours apart, and he wants me to do it as soon as I get the script filled later this afternoon.

My pain threshold is pretty high, but I am a little concerned that I have a full workload tomorrow. Wondering if I should plan a sick day?

Clearly, I am unlucky in EVERY way

Do you think I will hold the record for the longest miscarriage wait? I didn't mention yesterday, but I had yet *another* u/s which confirmed the fact that there has been no change from last week , or the week before, or the one before that.

I suppose this would be the very odd occasion where I might pray to the heavens to end this drama.

Could ya all do a sort of a "rain dance" for you know what?? I realize this is a very odd request (especially from my IF readers), but in order to start a new beginning....

I need an end.

Enough already

Another day, another u/s. Pregnancy still clear as day sitting there in my nether regions., refusing to budge. It's as if the gestational sac is flipping me off on the screen.

Yes, this is not the way to end a pregnancy.

Dr. V says we now have to just "wait it out". One, two, three weeks for the natural miscarriage.... unless there's any sign of infection or trouble.

My mind now turns to more important matters, such as I have a business meetings coming up in Raleigh, NC and vacation in Disneyworld. I really don't want to have to be dealing with an impending miscarriage or heavy cycle (which I KNOW is coming).

If I had to sum up my feelings today, I would say FRUSTRATION and helplessness.

So, after this passes, and the obligatory two cycle wait, I'll be lucky if I can TTC again in October. That makes me cranky.

So what about the future?

The plan will be to move to injectables for a few cycles and skip the clomid, since Dr. V said that Clomid will likely not help me very much. The object will be to boost ovulation as much as possible in the hopes we catch one (or more) good eggs. If that doesn't work, then straight to IVF.

I've been also having a slight meltdown with regards to my health insurance. My plan is 80/20, so I'm stuck with 20% of the costs for everything. Today was u/s #7 and every time I go back it's like you can hear the cash register "CHA-CHING!" I am worried that the bills are starting to come in, and that this may be just a small part of what we will be up against in the coming months with what we have planned. To say I am sort of freaking out about money is an understatement at the moment.

I had a horrible day back to work yesterday. I couldn't even muster the strength to get through my e-mail, and then I found out that I am taking on some of my old work I thought I gave up when I was promoted into my new role... So, I will be back to working two jobs again essentially. For the first time in my professional career I am scared that I can't do it all. That all of this stress and family commitments, work, TTC, etc is just inches from blowing up in my face. I've always prided myself with being an outstanding employee, and I have been a terrible one lately.

I am not wired for failure (I always believed that), but how can I stay positive? It always came so easy to me, I would fall and get right back up. For the first time in my life I just want to lay down.

This is a path I have not traveled before. It's a little scary.

Positivity will get you nowhere

Sorry I kind of disappeared there. I took some time off and found it really nice to not sit at my office desk at all since last Wednesday.

So, catching up... the surgery went fine but the result was disappointing. I had the D&E only to find out from my RE that he couldn't locate the the tissue, so it was pretty much like going thru it all for nothing!

That's right, the D&E was only the "D" part. I still don't quite understand how he couldn't "find" the pregnancy. It was there on the u/s the day before. His call was that he didn't want to keep poking around and causing pain and potential complications. My uterus is in an unusual position from my previous c-section, blah, blah, blah.

Mind you, I had a sucessful D&E last year with no issues. Back when I actually still had a glimmer of patience.

I was so mad on the way home. I was trying to be positive hoping it would get me through this faster, and now I am back at square one. I have an u/s tomorrow to see what's there, and to discuss what to do next. If I have to sit and wait around for a natural miscarriage I might lose my mind.

Is it me??? I swear. I just wanted to move on.

Meanwhile, I was having a lot of cramping (no bleeding)... enough to warrant three Advils at a time. Oh, and the antibiotic they gave me (Cipro) has my stomach in knots.

Topping that off was my hubby came down with some sort of sickness, and he's been in bed for the last day. He spent so much time taking care of me I think I stressed him into illness.

The only bright spot in an otherwise beyond crappy weekend was my best friend drove down from North NJ with her hubby to spend some time with me, S., and David. It was a welcome break from a bad week.

Worst of all, I am back to work today. Work being the furthest thing from my mind.

Sigh......

Well, at least I got to visit the new Starbucks

Did you hear that?

That's the old Shelli coming back in the room. Bitter and angry Shelli is gone for now.

For the first time since Friday I laughed.

I had a conversation with my bestest bud in the world (Steph, are you reading my blog today????) I can always count on her to make me laugh even in the darkest moments (and there's been a few in the last 20 years). Thanks to you, my friend for always bringing me a good dose of reality and sunlight.

Well, S. went with me this morning to reconfirmation u/s #5 (I can't wait to get the medical bills on this last episode). Saw Dr. P's other partner, Dr. V. Dr. V delivered the bad news again, but it didn't register the same amount of angst and sorrow it did on Friday. It was now just something to be done before surgery day.

He surprised us by not showing us the door after the scan, but asked S. and I to meet him in the consult room. So we did, and to my surprise I found him to be very informative. We talked about the surgery... obviously (no point in not responding to the elephant in the room), and then we talked about the future.

It's interesting to get one doctor's view and then another. Dr. V had never met me before today, but he took the time to read my whole history, ask questions and then he said the words I've been wanting to hear... "If you are ready to move on after this, I am ready to get aggressive in your treatment... the faster we get you pregnant, the faster we can get to you to your goal".

And before even blinking an eye, S. and I said in unison.... "We're ready".

So after feeling like the world was ending, and questioning whether I am even on the right path, our WILL to have another baby seems unending. As long as the will remains, we will follow this as far as we can.

S. and I decided last night before we even walked into the office today that our journey is not over by a long shot.

So, I am counting the hours to 7am Thursday to put this particular pregnancy in the history books. Ready to move on, because that's all I want to do.

I left the RE's office, and to my surprise, the new Starbucks just opened down the street. I drove there and ordered a Venti Non-Fat Latte with a double shot of java.

Caffeine to cure the soul.

It tasted fabulous.

Inbetween

First of all, thank you all for your comments and emails. Your support is immeasurable.

I have to admit, I was pretty unraveled on Friday. It seems each time this happens, I am propelled into a place I don't like to be and a strange place for me. I wanted to be alone. I did not answer the phone. I went to bed after I wrote the last post, and literally did not get up until Saturday. I cried for so long my eyes were swollen until Sunday. I was disappointed, yes, heartbroken, yes... but I had another reaction that surprised me.

Anger.

I was mad. So mad. Angry. Pissed. Four miscarriages, FOUR!!! How could this kind of torment be bestowed upon someone like me? Why can't this happen for me, when there are ungrateful mothers out there, mothers who abandon children, mothers who give away their babies?

And now, I am in the place I hate most... the inbetween time. When you still feel pregnant but know that the reality is there is yet another missing life that did not get a chance.

I am waiting for the RE's office to call for my surgery time. I have another u/s tomorrow to reconfirm and D&E will probably be scheduled Thursday because of the holiday.

The D&E scares me, I admit it. I had my first one last April of 2006 (my 1st m/c at 11 weeks) and spending the day in a cold bed waiting to be put under is the worst feeling. My last experience wasn't painful, it was just emotional torture.

And now I have to go back to the hospital once again, to the same floor, same procedure, same emotions. Where every doctor, nurse, anesthesiologist asks the same first question.... "what are you here for today?" I think I will just bring a flash card with D&E printed in 72 pt font and stick it on my head so they don't remove my kidney or something.

To be honest, I don't remember much of what Dr. P said after my u/s Friday. I sat in his office afterwards frozen, the only thing I was thinking about was driving two miles down the road to see S. at work and have him hold me.

Dr. P just shook his head in disbelief, as he reviewed my chart. He said he wanted to take the fetal tissue and do a genetic workup to see if there's any explanation that would help explain what has gone wrong with my body since I had David in 2003.

I am not looking forward at the moment. In fact, I can't see past this week at the moment. S. feels so out in left field, he just does not know what I am feeling and he himself is disappointed and desperate. It's hard to stay positive when you keep getting knocked down. So hard.

What will we do????

It's a question for another day I guess.

Must. stop. googling.

First of, thanks to all of you for your well wishes. I have had a lot of other sources of stress this week (other than the ongoing pregnancy saga), and it's nice to come here for a little "uplifting" energy.

I am stressed, anxious, happy, worried, elated, and nervous. And, with some time, I can think of about 100 more adjectives to describe what I am feeling.

Outside of my blog readers, no one knows about all this commotion which is good and bad. With my past history of losses, I can't even imagine when I will feel okay to talk about it. I long for the days when I was pregnant with David (in the first trimester) when I had no fear, and miscarriage was a word I was not familiar with. I just toodled along, dreaming of baby names and color combinations for the nursery. Innocent and unaware.

I guess Monday's u/s will tell the tale, really. What can they see in a six week u/s anyway? I figure best case scenario is they see the two spots they are looking for (sac and fetal pole), and worst case they see just the sac, and schedule me for another u/s in a week because it's still too early (a common phrase in the world of early u/s).

I would have felt better if they just said, "hey, let's just wait one more week", (7 weeks) and then we will know the ending or beginning to this tale with clarity.

So now I move on from one thing, to obsess about another.

Today, I am taking a break from Google.

I will not Google.
I will not Google.
I will not Google.

Sometimes it's better to be blissfully unaware.

Not again

My dream is, again, short lived. Another miscarriage.

I can't find the words to express how devastated I am. "Not again, not again!!" I keep repeating it hoping that if I say it enough time will reverse and allow me a do over.

It just doesn't seem fair that lightening should strike twice. I worked so hard to stay optimistic from the miscarriage last year. I had hope that it was a freak occurrance, not to be repeated.

I've been reduced to a statistic. Again.

I don't even have the heart to call my OB. For what? So they can tell me to come in for more bloodwork in two weeks to confirm I am a reject????

I really just can't do this anymore.