The world we live in...

Yesterday, we bought pumpkins to decorate and put on the front step.

David spent a considerable amount to time drawing a vampire, a skeleton, and a graveyard with markers on one pumpkin.

He proudly put it on the front step last night.

This morning, we woke to smashed pumpkins on our front lawn. Our ghosts in the tree were pulled down and destroyed.

Looking down the street, I see the vandals threw potted mums and destroyed other neighbors yards as well.

This makes me sad.

How do you explain such crap to a six year old?

The fall of civilization

Well, I took my last BCP yesterday. Just waiting for AF to show. I'll be happy to back off the Lupron a little bit. I've been having hot flashes at night. The headaches, not so bad as long as I keep hydrated.

The donor meds saga was resolved, but not without a minor freakout yesterday that all my work to date was for nothing when ONCE AGAIN a customer service person thought I was paying cash. Thank goodness for my new friend at the other specialty pharmacy who reminded me to remain calm, and then called the OTHER pharmacy to remind them of my insurance details. Ugh, such horrible communication between these insurance agencies.

Anyway, when it rains it pours. Husband and I recently changed over our phone service to the MASTER MONOPOLY CABLE PROVIDER in PA/NJ (we already had internet and digital cable with them), and man, they screwed us big time with our bill. In addition, our phones still aren't working correctly since the initial install. S. has been in charge of that big 'ole mess, and last night just went ballistic on the customer service folks. We call with a service problem that's been ongoing for two weeks AND a bill issue... and what do they do?? They try to freaking up sell us on another one of their worthless features!! Arghhhh! Are you kidding me??

All of my complaints this week are directly related to the US Economy, I suppose. Is is me, or are all of you feeling like you have to fight with service providers more than you used to? I have to be honest, I feel like I have another full-time job just dealing with money-obsessed companies.

What's next? Will my favorite donut shop start not filling my coffee cup to the top to save a penny?

Oh, nevermind. I don't want to go there. That's too traumatic to think about.

On my mind this week...

Oh, it's been awhile since I had one of those "all over the map" posts. This will be one, so be forewarned... I'm still coming off my vacation funk.

I told myself I wouldn't do it, but I am feeling the need to comment on the Jon & Kate thing. Yes, I am guilty of watching the show from last Monday (and past shows), and... ugh... I have so many feelings about it. I've been reading a varied bunch of posts, many that bash Kate and/or Jon, and curiously, many that are starting to come out of the woodwork that grant sympathy to Kate.

Here's my short comment... Making money off the backs of those children (fully knowing that this media frenzy will haunt them f-o-r-e-v-e-r) is wrong. I'm sorry. I don't care if it they are doing it to secure themselves financially. Not good enough. Plenty of people have large families and make it work and aren't television stars. And, don't get me started on the "you should have thought about that in the first place" trail of thought. It gets the infertile part of me all riled up.

Sell your books, use the profits for more teeth bleaching and fake spray-on tans... create a J&K+8 clothing line for all I care.. but take the damn cameras off those kids immediately... if you really care about their health and welfare.

And that's all I have to say about that.

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David is graduating Kindergarten in less than two weeks! I just can't believe my baby is almost done his first year of school. That just flew by. Next Tuesday, I volunteered as chaperone to his school field trip to the zoo. I just can't wait to ride a school bus with a bunch of 5/6 year olds. The last time I rode on a school bus was to a Frat party back in my college days. aaaah, memories. AHEM... different type of bus trip... entirely.

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I am having a really hard time readjusting to work. Honestly, something happened to me on vacation that activated the "procrastination chip" in my head. I sincerely need to get back into the swing. Maybe I really did relax too much. Is that possible?

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I am catching up on the gazillion shows I DVR'd while I was gone. Shocked at some of the finales.

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And, I just realized that I have to get my list together for David's "official" birthday party (with the family) next Saturday. This time of year, everything just seems to take off and run at breakneck pace.

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Lastly, please check out my "last" 23andMe post up over at my review blog...here


...and have a pleasant weekend!

Heavy

I woke up this morning, put David on the bus and settled in for my work and a large cup of coffee when I came across this post from my blogging friend, Melissa. For those of you not connected to the infertility realm, Mel is one of those people who has a heart of gold and has been a champion for all of us who have fallen into the wrong side of the statistics. There have been times during my own struggle when her blog saved me. This fact I am not exaggerating.

But sometimes those we look up to and commiserate with have their own bad days too.

Her post hit me like a brick.

A very large brick.

Go read it, and come back here.

No really....

I'll wait...

I think the overriding feeling that I took away from her post is that never-ending wish that things weren't so damn hard. That all of our dreams were more easily attainable.

And (yeah, I'm gonna say it)... that life was FAIR to all of us.

I need to spin off of Mel's post on this subject, so bear with me here. Not sure where my thoughts will lead to... but this post and a certain piece of info I learned about yesterday sent me careening off the rails.

It was troubling news that angered me. It propelled me into THAT place. I can't go into any specifics, but someone in my real life is pregnant and has no freaking business being pregnant.

I wish I could give you all the whole story. You'd choke. You'd gasp.

Yeah, it's THAT BAD.

In any event, I spent the remainder of the day thinking... where is the fairness in this? To bring a baby into the world that will need and want and have no provisions available. To be born into a bad situation. No opportunity to thrive. A dysfunctional and potentially dangerous situation.

And all the while here I am. Spending thousands of dollars to get to a dream that is wasted on someone who has no right. Not knowing (ever knowing) that my investment of time, money, and love will produce ANY tangible result.

(Whew, let me breathe for a moment).

Here's the thing...

Infertility has taken away so much from me and my family. It has invaded every last corner of my little world. It has made me less of an outgoing person. It has destroyed my body image. It has made me fearful for my only child (because WHAT IF something were to happen to him!?!). It has drained my emotional resources, and my financial resources.

The perfect life that I envisioned slips away, little by little. Sucking the life out of it.

All the while people are getting married, making plans, deciding on how many kids to have. Having babies, planned and (ooops!) unplanned. Not even THINKING anything could go wrong. They have no idea how quickly their world can be stripped away. No idea.

Until they end up here like us. The misfits.

To end up in a vacuum like so many of us. Where the world exists in a holding pattern. When time moves from cycle to cycle rather than calendar month to month. Where sitting down to dinner at a table that seats 3, 4, 5, or more people makes your heart ache for the empty chairs that have no living children sitting in them.

Knowing that a decision to stop treatment could mean feeling like that forever.

Constantly feeling empty.

This is what keeps me going. I see the future of unfulfilled dreams and I turn and run. I run as if my life depends upon it. Because the alternative is just too hard to think about.

Quoting from Mel: "It's just that you never expect that you're going to be infertile when you're skipping back down the aisle at your wedding, your heart literally traveling out of your chest like a released balloon."... "It is possible, I've heard, that you can change your dream. You can adapt to anything. These are just the growing pains of holding a dream away from your heart and examining it closely. Dreams don't like to be separated from the body; they howl. They cry."

I could not have expressed this better or as eloquent as she.

To carry the burden of infertility and loss is like carrying the universe on your back. It's heavy, dark, and sometimes it seems just too infinite to measure.

Pollen attacks, and Moms who rock!

Allergies are the worst.

The trees sprouted pollen a few weeks ago, and hubby already has his first sinus infection of the season. And it's a dooooozy....

I know it's bad when my allergies intensify (usually mine are mild). I've been fighting off a killer headache all weekend. And today my eyes are red and I've sneezed only about 50 times.

Fun times.

I wanted to also mention I have a new blogging gig over at the (about to be launched) New Jersey Moms Blog... a sister site to the growing conglomerate of Silicon Valley Moms Blogs. I am excited to be a writer with a fabulous bunch of ladies, so do drop by, won't you??

Check out my recent post today, on this Earth Day. It's just me ranting about gas prices and pontificating about Fred Flintstone. Riveting material, I know....

While you're there, check out my fellow contributors as well, and even click out to the other regional sites. We are all Moms, and we have a lot to say....!

The booby prize

Oh my.

After last week's events, you'd think I would have run out of bad luck.

But no.

Remember awhile back when I registered David for the local Catholic school? I stood out in the freezing cold, attended an open house, even created a cover letter professing my dedication to the church?

Well, we got the letter on Saturday that he didn't get in. I burst into tears. I really wanted him to attend that school. David really wanted to go there too.

Worse yet, I had been putting Plan B into motion (checking out the local private schools for a full day kindergarten program). Turns out they are on waiting lists too. I'm still looking, and it's not going well.

Which leaves me with Plan C (or as I like to call it, the booby prize). Public school.

I don't have a problem with the public school per se, except the fact that it's not even a true half-day. My township offers split sessions (8:45 to 11:15 or 1:15 to 3:45). That's a 2.5 hour school day!! WTF? What math are they using??? That's not HALF DAY at all.

On top of that, you don't know which session you get until two weeks before the first day of school. Kind of inconvenient in setting up before/after care. Make that IMPOSSIBLE. Worse yet, I would end up spending a significant part of my work day carting David around. To somewhere. Where I don't know. It's too short a day to drive him to where he goes now (25 minutes away). I would be sure to be fired from my job considering I would essentially be driving all day.

More than anything, I just want stability for David. I want him in one place, one educational and nuturing environment. He deserves that.

I've lost sleep the last two nights over this. I just wanted ONE THING to go easy. But no, of course not.

I need this black cloud over my head to GO AWAY.

Seriously, what the hell is going on with me??

The most boring post ever written

It's Monday, which is the day of the week I hate most. S. is off to work at 6:30am. I can't barely wake up on Mondays (especially when I had one too many margaritas on Sunday), David can't get moving either on Mondays. He usually sleeps on the recliner while I shuffle in the kitchen, making his lunch, getting his clothes together, getting myself together...

Today was one of those mornings where you find it better to go back to bed and hide rather than face the realities of the day.

I drove little guy to his school, and bought a coffee, only to take a sip halfway home and find that they put SUGAR in it... which I HATE. Then, I round the corner to home in the car and surprise! the road is closed. I am a mere 750 yards from my street when friendy policeman says.... "sorry, road closed, you have to turn around." "But I live right there!!!" And I am forced to drive in a circle for 4 miles to get to the other side of the road where my house is when I can practically SEE IT from where I was stopped.

I have a dentist appointment this morning. I don't mind the dentist, but I am not motivated to go there today.

I have 62 unread e-mails from Friday, and I wonder if my co-workers are robots, because THEY NEVER stop working. Damn cyborgs.

And did I mention I still have no symptoms of this impending miscarriage? I have another u/s tomorrow for the Dr, to look and say, "gee, this should have started by now." Meanwhile, I've been reading up on recurrent m/c, and I am growing concerned that something really not right is the cause of my bad luck. My mind is reeling with a recent book I read that talks about the ties between the immune system and recurrent loss. I feel like bringing my books to the RE tomorrow, and telling them I want more testing in that area.

At the same time, I am soooo tired. so tired.

Positivity will get you nowhere

Sorry I kind of disappeared there. I took some time off and found it really nice to not sit at my office desk at all since last Wednesday.

So, catching up... the surgery went fine but the result was disappointing. I had the D&E only to find out from my RE that he couldn't locate the the tissue, so it was pretty much like going thru it all for nothing!

That's right, the D&E was only the "D" part. I still don't quite understand how he couldn't "find" the pregnancy. It was there on the u/s the day before. His call was that he didn't want to keep poking around and causing pain and potential complications. My uterus is in an unusual position from my previous c-section, blah, blah, blah.

Mind you, I had a sucessful D&E last year with no issues. Back when I actually still had a glimmer of patience.

I was so mad on the way home. I was trying to be positive hoping it would get me through this faster, and now I am back at square one. I have an u/s tomorrow to see what's there, and to discuss what to do next. If I have to sit and wait around for a natural miscarriage I might lose my mind.

Is it me??? I swear. I just wanted to move on.

Meanwhile, I was having a lot of cramping (no bleeding)... enough to warrant three Advils at a time. Oh, and the antibiotic they gave me (Cipro) has my stomach in knots.

Topping that off was my hubby came down with some sort of sickness, and he's been in bed for the last day. He spent so much time taking care of me I think I stressed him into illness.

The only bright spot in an otherwise beyond crappy weekend was my best friend drove down from North NJ with her hubby to spend some time with me, S., and David. It was a welcome break from a bad week.

Worst of all, I am back to work today. Work being the furthest thing from my mind.

Sigh......

The danger of being out of the loop for a week

Ok, I am an idiot. I just mailed a few items (one very important), and I had no idea the stamp increase was TODAY!

Does anyone know what happens to mail sent to businesses without sufficient postage? Will I get it back? Or am I screwed?

Grrrrrrrr.....

Things that bug me

I swear, I'm not cranky. I've had this list floating in my head for awhile and I figure if I put pen to paper, em, fingers to keyboard, I can clear my mind.

Things/people that annoy the heck out of me:

1. People that do not use turn signals when driving
2. Litter
3. Irresponsible parents
4. Elisabeth Hasselbeck (don't get me started, once I get on a political rant it's hard to stop. Listening to her debate her love of Geo Bush and his policies make me want to jump through the TV)
5. Children with crappy manners (we all know the attention span of a toddler is short, I'm talking the chronic toddler-speak, "gimme that" "I want that")
6. Intolerance
7. Ziploc bags (the ones that don't have the dohickey gadget thing to close them)
8. My HP Printer that has a mind of it's own
9. Mean people
10. Computer passwords (I only have, like 50 of them, which I have to print out on paper to remember them, hence, negating the security of passwords).


aaaaah, I feel better now. So therapeutic.