Corporate Retirement

Today is my last day.

Many of you already know, but this is the day the world knows. Nearly 20 years with the same company in the same industry immersed in the land of software technology and fast-paced-blink-and-you-miss-it business. That's my favorite logo up there (not in use for quite a long time since acquisition), as I always thought of myself as yellow, then b.i.g blue. Always yellow.

Today I give up my company-owned laptop (truthfully, I wanted to chuck it though the window but policy dictates that I transfer it in a .... ummmm...more "civil" manner).

This was my identity.

Until today, that is.

For the next ten days I am unemployed, and in May I start a new career in the family business. Less stress, less long days and hopefully more time to dedicate to myself and my family.

Looking back, I nearly could vomit when I think about the rollercoaster which was my career here. So many twists, turns, and drops. So many opportunities to morph into a raging bitch (heh), but thankfully I leave the same way I started on my first day in 1992...

...just me... older, wiser, way more computer literate, integrity intact! and armed with a kick-ass Coach bag.

Here's to the memories and friends I've made along the journey. What a strange and precious journey it's been.

Salut.

Awakening

The last two weeks have been crazy. Sort of like being on a rollercoaster against your will. I love rollercoasters, but imagine being on one for 24 hours a day. Every time I catch my breath on the way up, I know the next steep drop is just seconds away. Then, my eyes closed, hands clenched...my head is screaming.. "no! no. no. no....argh, no!!"

Terrible analogy, I know, but the only way to describe my new job.

I feel like I bit off more than I can chew. I had a meltdown of epic proportions last week (yes, tears too) and the weeks events have left me reeling. I've awakened each day to a headache and heartache I can't get rid of. I haven't eaten. I feel drained.

And then the thought occured to me that, even though this is all new to me and I should probably give myself a break for being the newbie, there is something else going on here. Something that won't get better with knowledge, training, and time.

Perhaps my need to a new role was less about needing a change in my current tasks and more about a lifestyle change.

I know, great time to realize this. But I guess this is how things go sometimes.

Truth be told, I won't say I made a mistake, but I will say I probably gave lip service to how this could alter my ever-confusing work/life balance. Looking big picture, I'm realizing that I am in need of an even bigger change that will take me away from my 18 years invested in the corporate environment. I wish I could say I don't have to work at all, but there's bills to pay unfortunately. That doesn't mean our dual-income family can't be tweaked.

And we will be tweaking.

So I don't want to divulge to much yet, but I am working with S. to devise a plan that will benefit our family and put a lid on the madness. Both S. and I have been in career turmoil for some time, and there's a point when you lose sight of the forest through the trees. That's where we are.

As much as I would like to think that the changes I've made thus far are for the better, there's no harm in acknowledging possible mistakes and re-evaluating.

As usual, life is subject to change....

Step Two: Working it Out

My last post of 2010 was about taking chances.

Step one, letting the world know about our plans to complete our family via adoption.  And now... An even bigger step.

A new job.

It seems silly to equate my working life even close to that news, but this IS big news. I used my infertility as a crutch for far too many years when it came to work efforts.

I made excuses for not taking on new projects. I didn't pursue promotions because I worried... "what if?.." what if I was cycling, pregnant, or recovering from miscarriage? What if I needed time off medically? I lived in a state of flux.  I limited my work travel because of ultrasound appointments and calendars. I decided that life was better on permanent hold because I just couldn't see past the success or failure of my baby making efforts.

Six years of a holding pattern.

And then... The excuses faded away.

Comical, really. Because I could get "the call" at any time now. Tomorrow, next month, next year.

And I may be patient waiting for that call, but I can no longer wait for life to pass me by. I WANT to do more. I want to experience fulfillment in a place other than the places I've focused on over those years.

My first step into the unknown on the workfront was a failure.  I stuck my neck out. And I got burned. Or so I thought.

That job I pursued internally last fall (and didn't work out) led me to another job. A job I liked even more. And guess what?

I got the job.

It's scary, daunting, exciting, challenging, and it's mine.

And I didn't factor anything into my decision based on fear and the unknown. I based it on what will make me happy right now.  I am not looking past this month, this week, THIS DAY.

When I said I was jumping out of the box this year?

Yeah, I wasn't kidding.

Monsters Large and small

Since we are swiftly approaching All Hallows Eve, it seems like an appropriate time to talk monsters.

of the green-eyed variety and my monster friend who takes up residence in my closet.

You remember him, right?

On, Internets, it's been a trying month.

First the backache from hell (which is still lurking around), and my husband's crappy job situation, and then... well, I'll explain.

You all know I don't blog about work, and there is a reason I don't. Working for such a large international company has its perks, but the downside is everyone knows someone who works for THE Company, and then there's that pesky little non-disclosure I sign every year that says I will not reveal myself on the Internet or social networking dissing THE Company.

Needing the income and all, I oblige.

But OH, how it is drama-filled. Let's just say I turned down a major (for sure) promotion in my area for a POSSIBLE new job in another area of THE Company which at the time I had only just started interviewing for.... I didn't even know (still don't) if I have the new job... but the risk-taker in me said...

Oh, what the hell! Nothing like jumping into the unknown without a safety net! And now that I have jumped I feel equal parts exhilarated and scared that I burned a bridge I can never go back over.

Then that unruly monster appeared in my head a few nights ago, and said "ARE YOU F'ING crazy woman?? You just turned down a sure thing for a 50/50 shot!!?"

And I've been beating that monster back into that damn closet ever since.

I still can't believe I summoned the bravery to do it, but I still think I did the right thing.. even if everyone else does not.

====================

Speaking of monsters, I have a sorta green-eyed rant about my dear celebrity co-infertile, Celine Dion.

I am happy she gave birth to her twins. I am happy she emerged on the other side with "her dream" after she went through so much.

HOWEVER.

I am a bit jealous and bitter. Why? Well, for the obvious reasons, but more so that MONEY played a major role in her "success". She has bucks, LOTS of them, and she never once had to refinance her only home and drive her credit cards sky high to pay for infertility treatment.

So many of us have invested our entire savings in an endeavor that is a crap shoot, risking bankruptcy (and therefore often marriages and sanity) to achieve our dream.

Did I go to THE BEST clinic for my treatment? No, I couldn't afford it.

Would I have kept going if I had unlimited funds? YES.

And that makes me sad. For me and for all of my sisters who, like me, had to give up treatment because of something as simple as a lack of funds.

Yes, Celine, you are VERY privileged.

====================

aaaah, the world is complicated.

Boo.

And I Thought Infertility was Bad

How I wish I was here to write about how great life has been lately, and how much I am looking forward to waking up each day with a smile on my face. A post to talk about all the exciting things I've been doing over the last month.

This will NOT be one of those posts.

You have been warned. This will be one of the few times I have ever whined on this blog (outside of talking about infertility).

proceed with caution...

So, immediately after we returned from our idyllic vacation S. got notice his work was officially dunzo.  Great timing indeed.

Now, if you are a reader over the last year... we knew this was coming. Sort of. It didn't happen quite in the way we expected. He's now in a new job that requires him to be away from home 13+ hours each day. And, NO, that doesn't mean a shortened work week. And, yes, we will take a big financial hit. I would love to tell you the details, but out of respect for his privacy, let's just say we are in deep doo-doo. In body and spirit.

I am acting like a petulant toddler, in that, I now basically am "single-mommying" it with the little guy. Which wouldn't be so bad if I WASN'T WORKING my own FT job. And, by full-time I mean more than 60 hours a week.

That, while juggling David's schedule too. Homework, soccer, karate. No more family dinners, and what breaks my heart the most? S. gets to spend about 45 minutes a day with David.

That's it.

Last night we had one of those back to school meetings scheduled for 7pm.  When S. called me from the car at 6:45pm I knew it wouldn't be good news. He was stuck in traffic, and would be late to the event.

My mind quickly went into overdrive, and within nano-seconds I was in full-blown tears, my carefully-applied make-up sliding down my face. Five minutes before I had to leave.

(Thank you Twitter friends for rescuing me last night).

Listen, I know a job is a job. And I know that many people do not have a job. But when I tell you I am THISCLOSE to wanting S. to walk out I am not kidding. He could take a lesser job and make money and be happy. He could be on unemployment. Even extreme circumstances sound good right now.

I can't believe this is where my head is at right now.

I don't even want to get into what I am feeling about my own job. I literally could just sob right into my keyboard and short out my laptop motherboard.

We were spoiled all these years. Now with employment taking the #1 place as the Top Source of Stress in the BagMomma House, I am wistful of the days of just wondering if I'd flunk another cycle around the secondary infertility wheel.

It BLOWS.

Life is a highway

I've been feeling a little sad this week.

There's no main cause... perhaps cabin fever had a little to do with it. Each day I wake up and look out of the window to whiteness, I grumble a little under my breath. I'm ready for winter to be over. I'm tired of the snow.

Work has been busy, and I've been plotting taking off some time soon. I feel like my work could swallow me whole if I let it. Last week my company forced a download to my laptop with a software update, and it blew my machine. I called the helpdesk, and when I say "help" desk I am exaggerating. They feined ignorance, and then tried to tell me my home wireless network was to blame (which it most certainly is NOT!) Our helplessdesk is a joke, staffed with people who live in almost uninabited areas of the world and make $1/hr. We are a technology company for goodness sake!  If you have a problem that isn't in their script, forget it.  There is no thinking outside of the box, or the script, as it were...  I wish I was kidding.

I was so mad I was spitting bullets. I worked on the issue into the wee hours of the morning, using Google as my guide. I thought I had fixed it. But unbeknownst to me there was some sort of auto-update that removed my hard work again. grrrrrrr....

On Thursday, I am giving up my car. I love my car (remember when I got it three years ago?).   The lease is up on it, and with recent events (and current events), we simply needed to downsize. As much as I will miss it, I am glad to be breaking free from it.  I spent many days driving it to the fertility clinic and getting my unfair share of bad news.  I cried big tears in that car.  As much as I will miss the luxury, I will not miss the reminder of it.  The funny thing is we've been progressively downsizing our cars over the last 7 years.  Since S. is still in the auto business, we are limited in our choice since we must take advantage of his employee discount.  It's the same make, different car.  Much cheaper.  Better gas mileage. Cheaper payment.  And, as S. proclaimed, thank goodness it's not black.  He hated waxing my black car.

I've also spent some time thinking ahead.  I've not done a lot of that lately...   I found that living in the moment was much less stressful.  But once in awhile, the monster greets me in an unlikely place. 

He found me in the car this past weekend.  S., David and I were driving home from having a nice lunch and David was talking up a storm in the back seat.

"Mommy, Daddy... why don't I have a sister or brother?  Did I do something wrong?"

I just about drove off the highway.  S. held my hand and we pulled into a Starbucks.  It was everything I could do to not start bawling.

I let S. answer because I couldn't. 

I just couldn't.

She works hard for the money!

Where have I been? Well, not too far- honestly.

Been trying to do anything to keep my mind off of being worried. The good news is I don't have to travel far- my work laptop is right beside my home computer and while you were perhaps having a restful long holiday weekend, I was busy working! A half-day of catch-up on Saturday, and one day of rest (Sunday). I figured Monday would be a slow day, but NOT... I felt like I was trapped in a whirlwind of deadlines and issues.

You see, my job security hinges on my ability to suck up extra work therefore making myself critical to the business. Hence, a chance of not getting laid off.

I know what you are thinking- I am clearly delusional. And in this corporate world crammed into a bad economy everyone is expendable. I get, I get it. I am merely racking up some good credits for later this month when I will take 3 sick days.

After all, I may be a workaholic, but I am not insane.

Yesterday (Tuesday) I did take a day off and went to see my stylist for a haircut and touchup. I love my stylist. I don't even have to tell him what to do with my hair, he always has the best ideas. Yesterday's idea... CUT IT OFF!! and so we did. Three inches in fact.

I feel lighter and quite happy. Not to mention I love being closer to my real strawberry-blonde hair color.

Then I went to Trader Joe's and bought myself some flowers and a mint green tea to drink.


By the time I got home, I was peaceful.

Not a bad day!

Old habits die hard

Because I wanted it and have denied myself for too long:


And because I had a $250 gift card I decided, well, how about some sandals for my upcoming vacation?

Because I deserve it.

Screw the budget for just one day. I am happy.

Coasting

So not much news to report here yet. My next monitoring appointment is tomorrow when we'll get a peek at how the follies are developing.

S. is getting used to the two-shot ritual at night. Can I just say here to my cycling friends that I am envious of those of you who get to do all of your injections subQ. I am stuck with those 1 1/2" monster IM needles. Thank goodness I get to do the ganirilex and ovidrel subQ. That's like a picnic for me. ;-)

Not much else going on here at the homestead. Trying to catch up on a little work around the house while returning work e-mails this morning. It is a blessing to work at home, but annoying as hell when I have a busy day of meetings and my laundry is mocking me from the corner. Actually, today I have 2 loads of unfolded laundry mocking me, and the cats are marveling at my pharmaceutical basket of goodies (plotting on what they can snag and hide under the couch).

It's a good thing I keep the syringes out of reach.

The time to relax is when you don't have time for it

I am having a hard time contemplating that the end of summer is just around the corner. There is so much I wanted to do, and regretfully, the list has grown longer not shorter.

If you remember awhile back I talked about being approved to take a four-week company sabbatical. And amazingly enough, it's almost here. Four weeks to play "stay-at-home" mom, and put a dent into that never ending list that has collected dust over the last year or two.

My sabbatical begins on August 15th. Which, coincidentally, is the day after my estimated embryo transfer, so conceivably (har har, a little play on words there) I could be spending my first/second day on bed rest in the 2WW, assuming all goes well with this IVF cycle.

My Mom has already been applying the pressure (in the form of gentle reminders) that I should put my list away and focus on my major project. She is right.

I didn't intend this time-off to be so.... restful. But in a way I am due for some rest. Three years of infertility, countless failed pregnancies, working 50-60 hours/week, trying to do it all, be it all.... well, it takes a toll on anyone.

I wonder if my life has been so overloaded that my body has been revolting against me.

Perhaps the timing of this long-term vacation is very much well-timed after all.

This morning, I found my list, scratched out #1 (which happens to be clean out my closet) and wrote...

1. Rest up and prepare for whatever life brings.

Painting the bedroom and two bathrooms, cleaning out the basement, linen closet, and office files, pulling up my overpopulated bulbs in my day-lily planting bed outside... well...

These things will have to wait, or be delegated.

For at least the first two weeks anyway.

Please be kind, rewind

Thanks to all of you who offered support during my meltdown last week. Yep, it's been like that lately. I think there are times when you just want to hide in bed under the covers all day, and Friday was one of those days.

I am anticipating vacation, trying to tie up loose ends at work, attempting to line up my next cycle... and you know when it rains it pours. Just when I thought I had all my ducks in a row, a slapshot out of left field knocks me down and I am left to start all over again.

For example, yesterday I had to pick up David from school early. He was sick, of the intestinal variety, and he went through his change of clothes in his school cubby. The teacher calls me @ noon yesterday to come pick him up, and adds "it's really bad, I think he needs a bath." Yep, I'm coming. By the time I return, I have 10 minutes until an important work meeting, so I put him into the bath, suds flying and take a conference call while sitting on the (closed) bathroom toilet while David sat in the bath moaning his tummy hurt.

Fifteen minutes into the call, I put myself off of mute to make a comment at the same time David declares "Mommy, I need to potty NOW!!!!"

Oh yes. That was the point I tried to bow off the call gracefully. The remainder of the afternoon was David sitting in the recliner in my office watching DVD's on the portable DVD player. And me, moving all my meetings to today.

I had my RE appointment scheduled for this Friday.. my intent was to talk about the "new" plan before vacation so we could think about things over next week. But I had an epiphany this morning and thought HEY WOULDN'T IT BE NICE TO NOT HAVE TO THINK ABOUT all of this ON VACATION, so I did what any insane infertile would do, I called and rescheduled my consult for when we get back. I just started another cycle anyway, so it was really no rush... hell, we might even wing it and actually try the old-fashioned way this month.

So here I am, with a full day of rescheduled work meetings ahead of me and wash/packing for the trip. David is feeling better and is over his Grandma's today. By bedtime tonight, I plan to be back on track.

And tomorrow? I have a spa day planned. That's right.. something just for me. This time tomorrow I will be in the middle of a mango pedicure and manicure.

Hopefully not thinking of anything but awaiting the beach, the sunsets, and a mighty stiff martini.

Random Thoughts

It's been quite a week so far. Some personal updates....

My Grandmother passed away peacefully around midnight on Easter Sunday. So, instead of joining any family get-togethers or big dinners... it was a low-key day. We went to visit my Mom and Dad who were just soooo tired (they went to the hospital right after they got the call and never went to bed Sunday). We looked at old pictures of my Grandmother that are going to be used at the service this week, and just talked. The viewing is Wednesday evening, and the funeral on Thursday. I don't look forward to events such as this at all, the whole "open casket" thing is mystifying to me. I can remember every person I ever saw lying in a casket, and it's not a memory that I think of fondly. It's unnerving, and for that reason I have always told my family that if I should pass, please don't put me on display. No, heavens, no.

At the same time this was going on, my brother was rushed to the hospital for the mother of all intestinal infections/flu. He's been sick for the last two weeks which culminated in being so dehydrated he had to be put on an IV. He looked terrible when I saw him on Sunday, so it was no surprise... but he's back home now with his IV. The lesson being, even strong young men can get annihilated from the flu.

And fall soccer sign ups are this week. David is excited to join a sport this year. I am less so since I wonder how on earth I will fit practice and games into an already overloaded schedule! Everyone else does it, so I just have to get over myself and find more time in the day to work and be a mom.

So now you know where I'll be if I disappear for a couple days. I may or may not be posting an American Idol post this week depending on how busy I am.

My goal is to get though the week, plain and simple.

When you say "stop the world I want to get off!!" and it HAPPENS...

Could it be a bright spot in the horizon I see?

Certainly not in the fertility area. In fact, I am feeling a bit bruised at the fact that I just sent my RE a very LARGE check for my last two (failed...sigh) cycles. Oh, how it hurt to write so many digits on a check with nothing to show for it.

I did make a final decision on David's school for Kindergarten. It's not the school I toured (and registered for) last week. It was my last visit to the last private school on my list. And to my surprise it was the BEST school. Expensive (what isn't?) but was exactly what I was looking for in a school. And I think it meets David's needs perfectly. I met with the teacher this morning after an initial tour on Saturday, and just loved it.

If you are wondering what we will do if the "catholic school" calls us back from the waiting list... well, it's a no brainer. It's a $5k difference in tuition, and I am not stupid.

So, my mind is at least at ease that we finally have a plan. Check that off my list!!

In work news, I found out that essentially I am taking a large paycut for 2008. Isn't that just fabulous. It wasn't good enough for hubby to get a 5-digit paycut this year. Now I am in the same boat. Oh, it will be slim pickin's at the BagMomma house this year. Financial lockdown.

Oh, the bright spot. I'm getting there....

Yes, firming up the education plans was nice, but I'm not giving it full credit because of the money thing...

The bright spot for me today is the extra four weeks vacation I just was granted in addition to the four weeks I already get.

How? It's called a sabbatical, baby.

You see, I was part of a very large software company acquisition in 1995. And, part of what was grandfathered into my new company was a little thing called a sabbatical.

A sabbatical was a four-week PAID vacation. You have to take all four weeks at once. I got my first one in my 5th year of employment. And because the hostile takeover occurred during that time I was grandfathered a second and final sabbatical at 15 years of employment. Of course, I filed that thought under the "I won't be at this job for 15 years so who freakin cares" folder.

But guess what? Last month marked my 15th year. And how shit-faced happy was I last week when I called HR to see if my sabbatical was still valid after all those years.

AND IT WAS.

I get one whole month to be a stay at home Mom this summer. And I still get my other four weeks of vacation to take whenever I want this year. I can even tack on to the end of the sabbatical.

Hot damn. I get to disappear from the matrix for a whole month. I'm thinking of doing it late August and September.

I can't wait.

One month off to cook, clean, organize, be home for my son after school, volunteer, take deep breaths, count my blessings, and file my nails.

So who cares if we just took a financial beating this week. I got something even more valuable than money........

TIME

Monday, Monday

Every other day, every other day
Every other day of the week is fine, yeah
But whenever Monday comes, but whenever Monday comes
A-you can find me cryin' all of the time

I'm feeling a little on the yuck side today. No, I'm not sick (at least I hope I'm not getting sick). I'm just feeling.... I don't know... that kind of BLAH. Where nothing is very colorful, and nothing is exciting or even interesting.

Even my coffee doesn't taste good today. That's really a travesty!

I'm avoiding work today. It's a mixture of just being a little burnt out lately, and the fact that it dawned on me that I may have to make a very important decision as to where my career is going in the next month. You see, January is "clean-up" month around my organization. We do yearly reviews, wrap up projects, talk about the coming year directions, and we have the "career" discussions.

So my boss fills me in on some changes coming down the road and offers me a slightly different direction (based on a huge acquisition coming on). After which I can hear the clock ticking down. The decision clock.

I am in SUCH A QUANDARY.

I can either stay in the general area/job role I'm currently in -OR- leave the organization and go to a new division/new job.

As you know, I knew this decision was coming. I was dreading it. Because as you might imagine, my infertile status has pretty much driven my career over the last two years... playing the "what-if" game. What if I am, what if I'm not. What if I have to travel more? What if a new manager doesn't like the fact that I am pursing an important personal goal that limits my schedule??

Reasons to stay put with my same manager is I don't have to reexplain my status... but the "different direction" is still essentially the same job. I have to work my ass off, but I can pop on and off the radar at will with the blessing of my manager. However, I am hating this job. Well, hate is a strong word. I don't like it anymore... it's tedious, boring.

A new job would be invigorating, but the downside is I can lose the support of my management with the infertility stuff. I could end up traveling more. The job may end up less stressful, but I wouldn't know in what ways that would manifest. I would be a newbie again, and have to prove myself again.

Having said that, if I wasn't in infertility hell, I would take a new job, hands down. It would be an easy decision. I've been ready to go a totally different route since this time last year when I was promoted.

I'm bitter. I'm bitter and pissed that my infertility has seeped into my work. And any decisions I make are based on it. Compartmentalizing isn't working anymore. I need to find a happy medium... and I am sooooo far from it. F&^K!!


In other news, it's Stim Day 5 here (didn't that go fast?) and I am a little ahead this cycle in terms of follie size, so not sure what that means at the moment. I guess depending on my bloodwork from this morning, they may tweak my dose. I had two lead follies on the left, and three on the right... all similar in size and larger than this point last cycle.

Oh Monday, Monday...

Ups and Downs

Well here's a bit of good news. My new refrigerator was delivered this morning. Of course the best part is they showed up unannounced at 7am WHEN I WASN'T HOME. Apparently someone made an error at the store and scheduled delivery and forgot to call us to confirm.

Lovely.

The upside is they turned around and drove back an hour later, just enough time for me to haul everything out of the old one into the basement fridge.

The downside is I couldn't fit everything in the freezer downstairs, so I have a free extra turkey thawing in the extra fridge.

Oh, and the new one seems to be working, so that's good right?

On the bad side, I got 129 e-mails in my work inbox OVER THE WEEKEND. Freaking overachievers...

The good news is I created a folder called JOB #3 #4 and #5 in my email account and sorted them out of my inbox. I will get to them someday, or after I HIRE TWO people to backfill the roles. Does it make sense to lay off people and hire in the same two weeks? ....methinks not, but I am not the CEO of Big Computer Company. I just do my job. Times five.

Thank goodness it's a short week.

Friday funk, I said FUNK people!

Well, thank goodness this week is drawing to a close. Work was insane this week (I did get through all of those e-mails btw), and now I am winding down my day.

I am also waiting for Nurse T to call me with my hcG blood draw results from this AM. Since it's only been 48 hours since the last one, I'm not holding out much hope that it's a lot lower. I'd love for her to say ZERO! but you and I know that would never be the case in my wildest dreams. I'll settle for anything less than 30.

Husband S. hasn't been able to sit on the patio yet. He managed to develop a sinus infection (again) and he's sick. Which sucks all the way around for me since I become handmaiden for the little guy and my 'big' little guy in the evenings. It's a tough job but somebody has to do it.

And, of course we can't leave out talking about last night's episode of Big Brother. What a letdown! Just give those two the money, why bother with the finale? And the bigger question, WHY did I invest 72 days watching this show? why? why? why? And, who to vote to win? I have to say ED, because he looked like a sad little wet puppy standing on that carrot for 7 hours and losing the first competition. In reality, you KNOW dude was just dying for a cigarette. That is one fierce chain smoker. And if his daughter won, well, I'm not convinced she would even share that money with him.

Lastly, I opened my mail today and read that I was invited to the super-secret-positively-awesome VIP party at the Coach store (25% off and freebies at the store). While normally I yell like a silly schoolgirl when I get my invites twice a year, my heart is not in handbags today. Shudder the thought, but it's true. It's not that I need a handbag, well, ok.... I really don't.... but I never miss it, and today.... well, I am missing it.

So carry on, people, and enjoy your weekend. Think AF thoughts for me, will ya

Update: hcG=23.... well, I guess I'll take what I can get. Next draw will be Wednesday.

Enough already

Another day, another u/s. Pregnancy still clear as day sitting there in my nether regions., refusing to budge. It's as if the gestational sac is flipping me off on the screen.

Yes, this is not the way to end a pregnancy.

Dr. V says we now have to just "wait it out". One, two, three weeks for the natural miscarriage.... unless there's any sign of infection or trouble.

My mind now turns to more important matters, such as I have a business meetings coming up in Raleigh, NC and vacation in Disneyworld. I really don't want to have to be dealing with an impending miscarriage or heavy cycle (which I KNOW is coming).

If I had to sum up my feelings today, I would say FRUSTRATION and helplessness.

So, after this passes, and the obligatory two cycle wait, I'll be lucky if I can TTC again in October. That makes me cranky.

So what about the future?

The plan will be to move to injectables for a few cycles and skip the clomid, since Dr. V said that Clomid will likely not help me very much. The object will be to boost ovulation as much as possible in the hopes we catch one (or more) good eggs. If that doesn't work, then straight to IVF.

I've been also having a slight meltdown with regards to my health insurance. My plan is 80/20, so I'm stuck with 20% of the costs for everything. Today was u/s #7 and every time I go back it's like you can hear the cash register "CHA-CHING!" I am worried that the bills are starting to come in, and that this may be just a small part of what we will be up against in the coming months with what we have planned. To say I am sort of freaking out about money is an understatement at the moment.

I had a horrible day back to work yesterday. I couldn't even muster the strength to get through my e-mail, and then I found out that I am taking on some of my old work I thought I gave up when I was promoted into my new role... So, I will be back to working two jobs again essentially. For the first time in my professional career I am scared that I can't do it all. That all of this stress and family commitments, work, TTC, etc is just inches from blowing up in my face. I've always prided myself with being an outstanding employee, and I have been a terrible one lately.

I am not wired for failure (I always believed that), but how can I stay positive? It always came so easy to me, I would fall and get right back up. For the first time in my life I just want to lay down.

This is a path I have not traveled before. It's a little scary.

Work/Life Balance... a myth?

How many times has this subject been debated?

Not one to beat a dead horse, but I was thinking about this topic in the car the other day, and I wondered this:

Is it really possible to ever have your work life and personal life balance? Perhaps the greatest mystery in this topic is the fact that it may never be possible to have both ends of the scale even, E-V-E-R.

When I think about my work life, I have times where work is crazy and work is a shade less crazy. I work a full-time job, but in reality I can spend anywhere from 40-60 hours depending on the week and company deadlines.

To be honest, when I work a straight 40 hour week I feel just as behind the eight ball as I do when I log 50+ hours.

So the question really is, specific to your job role, at what point: 30, 40, 50 hours do you feel you can work towards balance in your personal life?

My answer is, for me, none of the above. My role requires a 40 hour minimum, and if I really play my cards right, I can stay in the 40-50 hour range most of the time.

Sure, I can sneak in a trip to the gym or to run an errand, but time lost during the day just means making up for it later in the evening or on the weekend.

Short of going part-time or a major job change, what is the alternative? Not sure if there is one, but I keep trying like most moms do.

And playing the lottery in hopes I win the big mega jackpot. lol.