The Renaissance

I just happened to glance at my sidebar yesterday to realize that today is my blogoversary. Four years of writing in this place.

I'd love to say it went fast, but looking back it really did not. So much happened in the last four years. I guess time goes fast when your having fun, but when you're not...? It moves like the speed of a turtle.  Maybe fun is a bad word.  Life has been fun WITH the exception of the expanding my family part.  That sucked.

This week I had the pleasure of going to my annual GYN visit. Now, if you have been reading my posts over the last few years you know I've had some pretty disturbing visits. I even put off this visit for a few months because I KNEW the practice was moving. Not going back to that old office was a relief of sorts. I don't even remember my visits there prior to having David. All I remembered is the sadness of the visits for each miscarriage. Having had so many and tense/bitter moments there I pondered starting over with a new GYN. But I didn't, and I am glad I did not jump the gun. I have two lovely friends that work there and they scheduled me specifically to get in and out quickly. No loitering in the new waiting room with the large pregnant bellies.

It was the very first visit of a new era of Shelli. There was no talk of infertility or treatment with the doctor (except to say that I am done). Just the standard lady-bits chat.

Now, that I am here, writing this today I look back at the many years of writing, a huge majority of posts were infertility related. A large majority of that cycle related... it's no wonder my posting has slowed over the last year.  My identity is changing.  It's time to put that part of my life aside.

My readership has changed as well. Many of my on-line friends have disappeared, either succeeding in the place I failed at or just grew tired of the blogging medium altogether. I hate to say it out loud, but I know that many of my readers didn't stick around because I was the sad story on the Internet. They grew tired of my cycle failures and miscarriage totals. Who wants to read bad news over and over?? 

Let's face it, there's not much to say at this point. I am sad that they do not come back here to comment. I miss them. The ladies I loved so much moved on too... and I am left pining for the good 'ole days.  Gone are the days when I was lathered in support.  Nowadays I feel like I jilted ex-friend.

For the five or so of you that have held on, thank you. xo  If you are lurking, that's cool, but it would be nice to have you delurk so I know you are still here.

While I will still be writing an occasional infertility post now and then, I am moving on. To what I don't know. I am not abandoning my blog, but there will be a time of reinvention this year. A renaissance of sorts. I guess I need to change too, it's not doing me any good to not change.

As a first step, I am removing the infertility stats from my sidebar. I can't stand looking at them anymore. It is just a giant sign of failure I need not be reminded of. It will relocate to my "Infertility Diaries" page accessible above for those who wish to know the history of me.

Sigh...I didn't mean for this post to be negative.

Nobody likes a party pooper.  I'm just feeling melancholy today.  I've done a good job of censoring myself here, but who am I censoring for now anyway?  It's time to change.  This I know.

The reality is I love to write.  I will keep writing, and for awhile it might seem a little disjointed... but that's where I am.  I hope you will all stay, but I understand if you cannot.

Strangely, it seems I have ended up where I started four years ago...  which I guess really isn't so bad.  Just different.

Proof my life revolves around Infertility and Handbags

I'm not one for blog statistics, but once in awhile I dig in to see how people have happened upon this blog.

I call it the Keyword Boredom Buster. Last time I posted about this I focused on some of the serious/heartbreaking search terms, so this is the more lighthearted version.

"is a 5 day transfer a good thing?" well, sure, if it works!

"jack sparrow pregnancy" oooh, is this the new twist for the next Pirates of the Caribbean installment? Something tells me this is stretching Johnny Depp's acting range. No- a pregnant male pirate is not an image I want in my head. But thanks for putting it there.

"fortune for getting pregnant" well, I can tell you it hasn't appeared in any of my fortune cookies, but if it does, I'll let you know.

"i'm infertile and I hate celebrities" yeah, me too.

"help, I'm trapped in a zoo" I hope you're not in the lions den. Good luck with that.

"cheap handbag looks expensive" You are KILLING me! This just does not exist. It DOES Not.

"is ringing in my ear sensing danger" Are you on my favorite show, Heroes?? ...either that or you have an ear infection. I'm betting ear infection.

"only infertiles are intelligent" I like you.

"is transfer implantation" I hope you are someone googling this because you are intrigued by the media's apparent lack of intelligence in that they simply CANNOT get the terminology right (especially with regards to recent events in the news). You TRANSFER embryos, not IMPLANT them. Using the word "implant" implies that people that undergo IVF should SUCCEED, and we ALL know how untrue that is. Oh hell, I just stepped onto my soapbox. Stepping down now.

"I love coffee more than husband" Disturbing and truthful.

"I'm stored in the closet" Hopefully, you have some nice handbags to look at. Is it dark in there? Wait, are YOU a handbag?

Trivialities

It's Friday, and I've had a long week at work, so forgive me for these most random thoughts.

I don't know if I mentioned it here (I did a few weeks ago over here), but I started W.eight W.atchers again. I cashed in on my head start (being sick after the holiday), and went into serious detox mode. Lost 5 pounds on my own, and another 8 since. My quick goal before starting my DE cycle was to drop as much weight as I could, and basically get myself to a healthier place.

To my surprise, I've been hanging in there. And after two weeks of hard-core detoxing, I must report I am feeling wonderful. My energy is back again! It's as is I flipped a light switch. Who knew? It was just the right time, and the right place of mind for me to do this. I am eating foods I never would have touched before. It seems a radical approach, BUT it is working for me right now.

David is having a great time @ basketball. The first practice was, well, hard for him. He seriously needed some help dribbling. But one basketball purchase later from T.arget, (and some practice time in with his Mom the "former teen basketball queen"), he is doing a lot better and loving the game. He especially loves the warm-ups (as evidenced to the right>>>>)


Also, I've been obsessing over something that is driving me crazy lately, and it has nothing to do with infertility (surprise!). It's my anonymity as a blogger. I am slowly coming to grips that some people might find me on the web whether I want them to or not. Either that or I need to drop every social networking tool. lol. Check out my latest post on New Jersey Moms Blog )and you'll read what I'm talking about.

Last but not least, next week I should hear something (in the form of a schedule) from the RE on the donor. She has an appointment on Tuesday to get the ball rolling.

That's it from here! Have a great weekend friends!

Complicated

This post has sat in my drafts folder for a a few months. Reading it, you'll understand why.

*****

When I first started blogging almost three years ago, I blogged for me. I didn't care who read my blog... I was just excited to take all the thoughts swimming in my head and write it down, because I am a writer. Not by profession, but in life.

I have notebooks of short stories and poems. Writing was an outlet for me as a young girl. It even got me in trouble more than a few times. I lost that in my early twenties and coming here to THIS BLOG was my re-emergence into writing. I found joy in that.

My early posts were all over the map.... thoughts on parenting, life, people... and things. Handbags.... favorite foods.... likes/dislikes. I was never part of the elite "mommy blogger" circle. I stayed under the radar.

And around the same time as this blog was born I had my first miscarriage. And then another, and another, and another.

Somehow I crossed the line of writing about "stuff" to writing about lots of deep feelings. Over the course of time, I started reading infertility blogs and making connections with others. Developing common bonds.

And then it got complicated.

All of a sudden I was an infertile. My posts became heavily slanted to infertility. My readership went through the roof. Women came in droves to support me.

Just as many sent me hate mail. Because, having secondary infertility is different to some. I once got an anonymous comment to a post after one of my miscarriages that "I was SELFISH.... " and, "You should be happy that you have ONE child because some of US have NONE".

Well, well, I guess you set me straight.

I deleted that comment, because it stung so bad. But as level-minded as I was at the time, I figured, well, there's always one idiot in the bunch... and I ignored it. But guess what? I got e-mails like that more and more. I even had some (again, anonymous) that deemed me "CRAZY for putting my BODY though five miscarriages."

Oh, there were many days I could have just wrote a post with this phrase "Fuck Off".

But just as welcoming it was to be a part of a virtual network of "positive" support.... that support that I treasured started to wane. Comments started to slow down, and as my fellow infertiles became pregnant and had their beautiful babies... I was left in the dust. And I, the doormat to the blogging world, still reading their blogs... but they are not reading mine. Crazy, since among all this infertile mess, I am still a Mom, and so are they.

How is it that a person can just disconnect so easily? For me, I never set up my RSS reader to ignore my pregnant blogging friends, so why were they ignoring me?

I blogged many times over my real-life family and friends who ignore me. This isn't an exaggeration... it's the truth I hate to think about. It's as if I have a disease, and if they ask how I am doing they might catch it. It HURTS so deeply when I shared such intimate detail of my treatments that no one asks how I am. It's the purest form of rejection.

But I never, EVER expected my blogging friends to give up on me too. But, many have.

Is it because I am not truly a textbook infertile? Is it because they are sick of hearing how often I keep failing?

Somehow, along the way I got wrapped up in the feedback and the comments. There were many days that the comments kept me from totally going nuclear. I loved the support (I still do), but now I find myself in the same place with the blogging community as I am with my real life-community.

I am invisible.

And, for this reason my love for blogging is waning. I am tired of being judged. So I censor my posts (if you've been wondering why my posts have been so generic). And that makes me more angry because THIS is my blog. This started as a place for me to be me.

I know that this situation is not unique. Two of my fellow bloggers are pondering "where do I go from here?" for entirely different reasons.

The truth is... I've shared almost 500 posts to the world (on this site, anyway). And I am just now understanding that you can be just as exposed and hurt on the internet as you can anywhere.

Where to go from here.... I don't know.

Peace on Earth, or at least at BagMomma's house

So where have I been?

I was growing tired of the drama around here. Is it a coincidence that I have off from work this week? I think I must have used some serious psychic powers knowing I would need this week off.

If you remember a week or two back, my drama at work was reaching a head, and then the great computer meltdown occurred. Then the loss of Luke. All the while, anticipating my first cycle back on the TTC bandwagon and worrying about that.

I had originally scheduled this week off to do a lot of little projects around the house. I have done a few, and did another purse cleanout and donation. I cleaned two closets (so far) generating a landfill of trash. Mostly empty boxes and crap I was saving for god knows what.

Sadly, my PC rebuild hasn't gone as planned... so I ended up ordering a new PC for the family computer. Since I had my work laptop under lockdown since last Friday, I've been out of the loop on blogging and e-mail. My Google Reader had 780 unread posts when I posted on Monday... I'm sure it's over 1,000 by now. But you know what? It doesn't matter.

I am relishing the fact that I have been able to detach myself from the computer for awhile.

I even (GASP) went shopping to REAL stores yesterday. Places where they give you free boxes with gifts you buy instead of my internet purchases where they CHARGE you a giftwrap/box fee.

I went to lunch alone yesterday, and sat in a restaurant eating a turkey wrap with NOWHERE to be. I browsed the Coach store, Williams-Sonoma, Sur Le Table, and Harry & David. I sat in a comfy chair in Starbucks sipping a Latte watching the snow fall outside.

It was heaven. Well, except for the money I spent.

So far, this week is turning out to be unexpectedly decent.

I am done my BCPs, and awaiting arrival of AF to make my first u/s appointment and the start of my injectables cycle.

I am (almost!) done my Christmas shopping.

I finished decorating, and decorated a special tree dedicated to our departed pets. We got rid of the dog and cat food, the dishes, the kitty litter. It was time to let it all go.

My new PC should arrive next week, and I think I'll just take my time loading everything on it. I am using my work laptop for urgent stuff and these posts in the meantime. Won't have my usual time to browse and lurk, but that's okay. It's temporary.

To sum up this week in one word: PEACEFUL

[breathing out a sigh of content]

Blogging Granny

It's Friday, you made it!

This has been a looooong week, but before I disappear into my real work today, I had to share this with you.

I came across this fine gem yesterday about the OLDEST blogger. I thought it was me, but who knew???

This sweet woman is 108 years old, and she's still got a lot to say! Check it out:

Oldest Blogger at 108 Years Old

You know what that means, right? I have at least another 68 years left of blogging in me. lol.

A year in a blog

Last August, I started this blog with no purpose other than to vent to myself. I didn't care if anyone read it. It was just a place for me to go and unwind.

I was just another working Mom with an expensive hobby (handbags, remember? - I seemed to have strayed from that lately...lol).

I thought I had nothing to share with the blogosphere. Nothing unique about me. Just another blogger to enter the fray.

In August of 2006, I was just getting back into TTC after my first loss. I was cautious, but hopeful. I was naive. Little did I know the path I was about to walk on. The kind of path that takes you along to experience the ultimate joys and the pits of despair (sometimes even in the same day).

At some point in the last year, my blog went from happy and lighthearted to cold and broken. And back to lighthearted, and then broken. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

Also over the last year, people started to read my blog. A few, and then a handful, and then many. I thought, "why do people come here? are they just being nice, or really like my blog?"

And all of a sudden it hit me that anyone could find my blog and I would be exposed. Will they think I am a selfish person? shallow? After all, this started out as a venture to keep ME sane, not worrying about who I might offend in a post, what things I should or should not talk about, or pictures I should or shouldn't post.

And then, a curious thing happened.

I started meeting women like me. Working Moms. Work at Home Moms. Women experiencing Secondary Infertility. Women experiencing Primary Infertility. Humanity. People I just like because they seem like friends I would have outside the Internet.

People like you, my readers. Many of you have blogs I frequent each day. My Google Reader is filled with almost 150 blogs I like to read. Stories I follow. Life moments. Hints from the trenches. Crazy people who make me laugh when I need it most. Plain ole' fun.

The sanity I am looking for has now developed in two unexpected ways:
Me putting my thoughts to the keyboard, and you responding.

And to my surprise, I ended up with a circle of blogging friends that I look forward to interacting with each day. So whether you are a regular reader, an IRL friend, an acquaintance or a mere passerby I thank you for stopping here in my world if even for a moment. Your comments make me realize I am truly connecting in a way I never imagined.

So as I meet the first anniversary of BagMomma I find I'm in the middle of a blogging split personality it seems. Is this still the blog I started? Have I alienated some of my readers now that much of my content is heavily weighted in IF? Should I start another blog just talking about my infertility?

And, the answer that came to mind in short order is.... no.

Here I am.

BagMomma, Shelli, IF Flunkie, whatever.... this blog is me. Right now, expanding into another blog would be like diluting myself. And staying true to my original intentions, you will get the best and worst of BagMomma.

So expect a myriad of topics in the next year. I'll be blogging about work, balancing life with a child, family, and my upcoming IF treatments. I may even get back to talking fashion and bags. And I promise never to lose my sense of humor. Because you already expect that from me.

Here's to another year... of sharing and hope.

~xo~

Rock on!

One of the sweetest bloggy friends a girl could have, Kim, nominated me as a Rockin' Girl Blogger.

I am humbled and ready to get out my guitar and strum a few bars of AC/DC. Oh wait, that's right, I can't play guitar. But I still rock, no?

I'm paying it forward to a couple other fellow bloggers that I enjoy, and, truly make the day shine with delight. If you are not reading them, hop to it, because they all ROCK:

Mrs. Schmitty from It's a Schmitty Life - I love her humor and her kids are just a riot. When I think of fun families I wish I knew IRL, hers takes the cake.

All the ladies over at WMAG Working Moms Against Guilt. This is one of the first blogs I read in the morning. I especially LOVE their Friday Finds posts. These ladies work it, and rock it every day.

Erika over at Plain Jane Mom who has exposed me to so many great blogs other than her own, AND she is a conglomerate of blogs now, her new site Plain Jane Deals is a cool source for stuff on sale. I am addicted.

Sara from Self-Made Mom A fellow working mom whose blog makes me THINK (in a good way), who reminds me that it's okay to wear flip flops to work, and also reminds me that work-life balance is a moving target that is worth chasing.

My bloggy story...

Chilihead has started a blogging carnival where you can share your blogging story. I'm joining in, because these seemed like great questions, and, I often submit to peer pressure. lol.


How did you start blogging?
I started blogging in Spring 2006 on a journaling site (not really a blog) but the site was cumbersome, and it was hard to upload pictures and customize/format the way I wanted my site to look, so I switched to Blogger last September.
Originally, I blogged for just my eyes. I had my site password protected and had no feeds running loose across the web. Then I realized it was a great way to keep in touch with some IRL friends and internet friends, and, hell, it wasn't like I was blogging anything BAD... so I let my little blog loose.

Did you intend to be a blog w/a big following? If so, how did you go about it?
No, for the reasons above, but then I started meeting other people who had great blogs and seemed like interesting people, so I figured, the more the merrier! I signed up with BlogTopSites, Blogexplosion, and Technorati in an effort to find more blogs and enable them to find me.

What do you hope to achieve or accomplish with your blog? Have you been successful? If not, do you have a plan to achieve those goals?
When I started this blog, I really just needed an outlet to jot down my feelings. And then I mixed it up with talking about my son, my hobbies (like my purse addiction) and my work-at-home situation. I guess my goal is the same as it was from the beginning, to meet other bloggers, be entertained by other blogs, and to blog about my own topics.

Has the focus of your blog changed since you started blogging? How?
Not really (see above), but I can tell you that I've developed a huge interest in writing about the day-to-day challenges of the WAHM Mom, and I would love to incorporate more about that subject in my blog. I love to meet other Moms who have the same struggles. I've also pondered writing for other blogs in the "working moms" space. I just haven't come across the right situation yet.

What do you know now that you wish you'd known when you started?
Hmmmmm, probably to put more thought to the blog platform used. I am on blogger at the moment, and pondering a move to another platform with more flexibility.

Do you make money with your blog?
I try half-heartedly :) No, really, I think I made like $20 bucks in total from ads, but it's not really about the money to me. I guess it wouldn't hurt though, right? Maybe I'll ponder that awhile longer and get back to you.

Does your immediate or extended family know about your blog? If so, do they read it? If not, why?
When I started this blog, I really wanted to remain anonymous to everyone. But as I've developed a love for writing again, I've begun to share with some friends and family, but others.... I don't know. It's like, if I put all of it out there on the table, do I really want everyone to read everything? Now that the cat is out of the bag somewhat, more and more IRL friends/family are readers. My husband knows about my blog, but isn't a regular reader. His take is this is my space, and he doesn't mind. But I do hope he checks in once in awhile... he probably does at work :) Are you there honey????
A few of my close friends are loyal readers, some long-term internet buddies are regulars, and my sister-in-law.
I don't think I'd want my parents or my in-laws reading this, but if they found me, I wouldn't be disappointed. Everything in this blog is me.

What two pieces of advice would you give to a new blogger?
Pick a platform with care and don't try to do everything at once. Blogging is an evolving process, and the beauty of it is what it becomes along the way. Some people blog for themselves or others, or a mixture of all three. Blog what you want and what you know, but don't get caught up in blogging a certain way because someone else does that format well.