Swan Song

Negative.

I spoke to the nurse this morning, and my clinic does a patient review each week so that all four of the RE's can make suggestions for next steps. My file will be reviewed on Friday and I'll have a consult sometime in the next two weeks with a lot of feedback.

I already know that this was the last cycle for my own eggs. Even if they advise that we can try another fresh cycle, I only have insurance for one more... and it won't be wasted on me.

S. and I are prepared to move on with donor eggs and/or adoption.

Thank you all for your support along the way. I hope you will stick by me as I venture into the unknown again.

This time hopefully with a different result.

9dp3dt: 2 Days to Beta

I was exhausted last night. We were all in bed by 8pm.

About 11pm I woke up from a dead sleep, and was so uncomfortably hot I couldn't bear to toss and turn and possibly wake up hubby. So I ventured downstairs and watched CNN and some late-night TV.

By midnight I had talked myself into totally being pregnant. By 12:15am, I talked myself out of it. And before I walked back upstairs at 1am, I had vacillated between the two at least 5 times.

The good news is my stomach issues are a little better from yesterday.

I had a brief moment this morning when I almost reached for the HPT, but that passed. I'm finding that not knowing is probably the best thing for me right now.

Sunday is my nephew's birthday party, so that should keep me occupied from obsessing. If I make it to tomorrow without testing, I know I can make it to Monday.

One way or another.

8dp3dt

I'm on the fence.

I really am not feeling it. I think the progesterone is playing tricks with my mind. Also, to add to the uncertainty, the last three days I've had some sort of intestinal upset which has completely attempted to derail symptom watch. I've been drinking a ton of water to keep myself hydrated. My stomach is churning, and not in a good way.

My gut tells me I am not pregnant. I'm not testing, I just don't feel like it at this point.

I am trying to hold onto Hope, but I am afraid I am hanging on by the tips of my fingers.

Don't touch my remote!

Being at home for the month has been interesting so far. Since I've been taking it easy for the last week or two, I've had the opportunity to be a couch potato.

Not since college have I actually watched daytime TV. Really. I just don't turn on the TV during the day, even working from home.

I have to say that now that I have partaken in some TV watching, I've come to the conclusion that daytime TV is a joke.

"Maury", for instance. It is illogical to watch show after show on one subject: "Who's the Father?" These girls and boys need a reality check (or a stern slap across the face). Yesterday, I saw an episode that featured one young girl and THREE potential fathers. You guessed it, none were the father in the end. I don't know whether to lecture the television regarding safe sex, or take an ax to it. Angers me to no end.

And let's not forget the lovely "I'm having a baby" shows on those other channels. Today, a woman and a man ponder life with twins. Queue in the narrator, "Ann and John were expecting one boy and one girl, but to their surprise they had two boys upon delivery". New Mom says, (and I am paraphrasing here) "I was so surprised, but then I was worried and a little upset I had so many girl clothes and decor.... I really had my heart set on one of each..."

Ummmmm, Ann? How about being happy you gave birth to TWO healthy babies with beating hearts?
Geeeeeeez.... are you kidding me????

Probably the one show I found palatable was a show I saw on the Dis.cover.y Health Channel that documented the pregnancy of a woman who, after 6 years of infertility, got pregnant via IVF with.... sextuplets (3 embies put in, two split to identicals, all took). I found it moving, especially when she got to 20 weeks and discovered two had passed away (she eventually gave birth to quads). Poor girl's ultrasound was being filmed, and on camera she found out two of her babies died. Broke my heart.

But what truly took the cake was a show titled, "Half Man, Half T.ree". No, I am not kidding. The dude had tree limbs growing on his hands and feet. Not making that up. I was speechless on that one.

If I were a smart woman, I guess I would have had my IVF scheduled during the new Fall season. At least I wouldn't have to view reruns.

Instead, I revert to my favorite TV channel... CNN. Especially interesting this week with the Democratic Convention. 'Cause I'm all geeky like that....

Maybe I'll turn off the TV for the next few days. I'm worn out.

6dp3dt

If I was an impatient person, I'd be testing by now.

Actually, I am impatient (in mostly all things) but when it comes to HPT's I am not. I like to live blissfully unaware. Why? Because it means more days of being hopeful. That's some serious psychological bullshit, but it suits me.

Can we talk about symptoms? Because I've had many (which started a couple days ago), but the one thing I haven't factored into the situation is the meds I am still on.

I am taking Crinone Gel and Estrace. I don't have previous experience with either, so I am afraid any symptoms I have are from the meds, not a pregnancy. I've been terribly bloated, and mildly crampy, headachey, and pretty much in biotch mode.

So I guess my previous method of knowing I AM or I AM NOT will not work in this situation.

Which circles me back around to testing.

Waaaaay back in 2002, when I was first cycling I had an internet friend (Hi Natalie!) and we were the ANTI POAS'ers. While our internet buds gleefully started testing on 3dpo, we would literally wait until after AF was scheduled to arrive. Which meant we saved a lot of $$$ on tests. I guess it helped that we had a regular LP (Luteal Phase), because this doesn't work unless you are consistent.

Anyway... that was a tangent there. My point is, I am considering breaking out some HPT's over the weekend. Beta day is Monday, and I might wait. Geez, I don't know. I guess I'll take it day to day.

I can tell you that if the symptoms disappear, then I will test to put myself out of misery.

I hate this part.

4dp3dt

Thank you for your support yesterday. I've been feeling a little hyper-sensitive to everything lately, and yesterday was the smack in the face I knew might be coming, but I tried to ignore.

I feel better about things today, and not about to let a little bump in the road derail the process. The fact is, I know deep down that these embies are much better inside me than in a petri dish in the lab. So, I will continue to root for Faith, Hope, and Charity to hang on.

So here we are, 4dp3dt. I'm feeling... eh, okay I guess. Here's the thing abut being a recurrent miscarrrier... I know pregnant like nobody's business.

I've been pregnant 6 times now (ain't that a laugh), and I know every little signal of being pregnant. Yep, I'm a veteran so to speak, and in this realm of the 2WW, I know TOO MUCH for my own damn good. Hell, the last two pregnancies I didn't even need to test. Which is harder I think, because I can't be fooled.

As you might imagine, today commences "symptom watch" and... except for some heaviness in the uterine area, nothing worth mentioning at the moment.

This morning I went for my obligatory progesterone check at the RE, and the nurse reminded me to take it easy. I plan to, but here's the thing that might just drive me to the edge over the next week.... I'm not working (remember? my company sabbatical?). So I don't even have work as a diversion. This should be fun.

Oh, and did I mention my beta date?

September 1st, one week from today... Labor Day.

Kind of ironic, no?

And then there were none

None of my remaining 9 embryos made it to freeze. Not even one.

I am trying to remain optimistic... that there is at least one good one from the three that are inside me.

But honestly, I feel like I was just sucker-punched. I half expected it, it just hurts to know this cycle really will be my swan song.

Sigh.

Notes from Bed

That title could have a double-meaning, couldn't it?

So it's not even been 24 hours on bed rest yet for this first IVF cycle, and I am already reaching my full of TV, magazines, and playing with the cats. Thank the lord for the Internet. I've had more time to read and comment than I've had in the last month.

Kim asked if I have named the three embryos currently setting up vacancy in my womb. Now, you all know that I suffer from "superstitionosis" (yeah, I made up that word). Meaning, I feel like I am playing chicken with the devil giving these embryos an identity early on. I've not done it in the past with my miscarriages, but then I remembered we used to call David "Peanut" early on, so I thought why not buck tradition and walk under that ladder today? lol.

Then I saw a comment from Janis yesterday that suggested Gucci, Fendi, and Prada. Kudos Janis. I like your thinking. Sorta goes with the theme of my blog? But ok, it is a little pretentious...

Another friend suggested the Three Amigos, which I liked but lacked a distinction between any individual embryos.

Thinking in bed last evening, my mind started to wander to the common themes though my secondary infertility journey.

Hope.

Hope is a recurring message on this blog. I talk about it a lot, and even though Hope and I have had a precarious relationship over the years, I still find myself clinging to it. Rebeccah commented a few days ago: "when you catch sight of hope peeking around the door, grab her and yank her in for a cup of tea! Read her stories, rub her feet, convince her to stay. She's darn good company." Rebeccah, you hit the nail on the head.

Faith.

Faith is the driver that keeps me on the path. The path sure has been winding, but it's a feeling at the core of my soul that this journey is far from over.

Charity.

I would most certainly not be here in this state of mind today if not for the kindness of others. My blogging friends have pulled me back from that ledge numerous times now. I am thankful to have people in my life real or virtual that have proven to me that I don't exist in a vacuum. I thrive with others.

So, Hope, Faith, and Charity it is. My three little embryos.

The Transfer Olympics

Well, I am back from transfer and I have to note that it was probably the most harrowing experience thus far.

It started out innocent enough, I met with Dr. No and the embryologist, and we decided to transfer four. Embryologist noted that all twelve embies were still growing. Amazing. Dr. No urges us not to do five, he thinks that the embryo quality is good, but ultimately leaves it up to us.

Four it is.

Embryologist selected the top four and away we went. Feet in stirrups. Belly jellied up. Ultrasound in position. Equipment in position.

First, my bladder was too full. Oooops. So we made a pitstop. Get down from the table, and use the two supplied drapes to shimmy out to the bathroom.

Back on the table. I thought we were ready.

But no.

One more trip to the bathroom, and this time I am instructed to empty completely.

Back to the table. Now the real fun begins. Dr. No is digging to China in my netheregions, and reminds himself that I have an "unusual cervix". Yes, we established that about two years ago.

Turns out my pesky cervix is now upturned AND swings a little to the right. Thereby making placement of the catheter an Olympic Event.

After 15 minutes of poking, we're in. The embryos are released.

The embryologist leaves the room to check to make sure all four exited the catheter.

As luck would have it, nope. "Two retained," she noted, and we start all over again to place the final two.

10 minutes later, we're in position again. And we release the other two.

Except only one released.

We tried our darndest to get that fourth in place, but Dr. No grew weary of poking my cervix. He really worked it (and worked it) but in the end, we decided to stop the expedition into my uterus and just be happy with three.

So, currently I am home to THREE high-grade, low fragmented, 8-celled embryos. Number 4 went back to culture with his/her siblings.

Sounds good to me.

The moral of this story, I can make any easy process hard like nobody's business.

And now I can feel confident, because this appointment met my quota for bad luck.

Why, the next 10 days should be smooth sailing!

Is this real?

A few days of good news is enough to trigger the negative thoughts to start creeping in, and boy did I have them last night.

I know logically that I have crossed the border into self-preservation mode. I know that every negative thought is my internal-self protecting me from disappointment at all costs.

14 eggs were retrieved (above average for a gal my age)! 12 fertilized eggs is stellar (ICSI not needed)!

And today, news that all twelve embryos are dividing nicely, perfectly, in fact.

So I should be excited....

right?

But no. My mind wanders to my history. Every. single. time. something seemed great, it ended up to be devastating.

I think I would have been a bit more positive right now if I had not had the last failed pregnancy in February. THAT pregnancy seemed perfect. Perfect response to an IUI cycle, a BFP on my 40th birthday, betas doubling, heart beat beating... and then... it was snatched out of my hands.

"Destiny is a fickle bitch...", or so says Benjamin Linus (for you "Lost" fans). And that quote has been rummaging in my head for the last 24 hours.

Is it okay to let myself be happy? Am I damning the universe by being a teensy bit excited?

At times, I find myself at ease with the unknown. I think and BELIEVE that whatever happens, I will be strong, and I will find peace. For the last three months, I've been in that place... successfully. No stressing out. Whatever will be will be.

I am good at tricking myself into believing that.

But just as HOPE creeps in, I don't believe it anymore.

I stomp my feet on the ground like a petulant toddler, and I demand that I be rewarded for the last three (almost 4) years of hell. I paid my dues. I lived on both sides of the fertility fence. I understand and have learned more about myself than I had in the previous 37 years.

I am due. Long over-due...

Transfer is set for tomorrow @ 1pm ET.

A DOZEN

All eggs were mature, and 12 eggs fertilized out of 14!!!

This is just wonderful news! I am elated, and grateful. Now we just need to cling to the hope that they keep dividing and at least a few are of good quality.

So far, so good. One day at a time...

Exceeded Expectations

Back from ER, and I am very happy to report they retrieved 14 eggs!!!! I would have been happy if they got 8-10, so my expectations were exceeded!

Feeling just a little tired and emotionally spent, so I am lying in bed at the moment just trying to come down from the last 5 hours.

Please think good thoughts for me. The next step is the fertilization report. The embryologist should be calling in the morning with the news on that. We aren't doing ICSI because S's samples are generally very good. So shooting for that 66% fert rate. I would be happy with that.

I also wanted to take the opportunity to thank all of you for your support. Every comment you make means the world to me, and keeps my sanity.

Until tomorrow, think fertile thoughts!!!

Ready to go

So, we are ready to go for Monday. ER is @ noon.

Turns out my follies did achieve a miraculous milestone overnight, and I have a bunch more that are probably mature.

I'm not excited that I have to stay up until midnight tonight to trigger, but I'll do what I have to do.

The reason I am happy that it moved to Monday is ER would have conflicted with a very important day for me. If you are a regular reader, you know that a couple of friends and I host a breast cancer fundraiser each year. It's a lovely luncheon, with all proceeds going to charity. In past year's our attendance has been anywhere from 150-300 people, and it takes all of us to pull off such a large event. I would have been sad to miss it because we have directly impacted the lives of others with the funds we raise. And it would have been hard to shift the burden to the other 4 ladies to have it go off without a hitch.

So, Monday it is.

I'll be a little sleepy tomorrow morning, but happy I won't miss the special day.

Delay of Game, 24 Hour Penalty

Yep, the call came.

Since I have quite a few follies on the borderline (and the largest ones aren't exceedingly large YET), they want me to stim one more night and trigger tomorrow. That means a visit to far-away office 7am tomorrow for one last u/s before ER.

I'm okay with that, because I have something really important I was going to miss on Sunday.... and now I won't. That makes me happy.

I'll explain later.

Day 15, Trigger Happy

Today is trigger day. After 14 grueling nights of stims, I feel like I have achieved the Olympic Gold Medal for stimming.

Nurse T did the u/s today, so of course everything is pending the final word upon review of my chart and blood work from Dr. Nerd and/or Dr. No.... but the good news is even if they decide to wait it out a day, it's only one day.

Egg retrieval is scheduled for Sunday, 9am ET.

I didn't really pay attention to the details as Nurse T was doing the measurements. I was too busy looking at how large my ovaries were on the screen. No wonder those bad boys have been aching me. I stared into those big, black holes and willed each to have a mature egg.

I have four @ 18 and 19, and a whole lot of 16-17's.

Lining was a spongy 13mm. I also found out my E2 from two days ago was 1,061... awaiting today's results, but expecting it to be in the ballpark of 3,000.

Anyway, the chant for today is NO PHONE CALL. No phone call means at 9:30pm ET this evening, I will inject the two syringes of Ovidrel, and say a little prayer.

Double Trouble?

Something I am pondering today...

Twice this morning (on the radio, and in print), I heard/read the expression "I'm a busy Mom of 2..." Maybe its my hormonal brain, but thinking about that expression, do you ever hear someone say...

"I'm a busy Mom of 1..." ?

So if you have one child, are you less busy? Not busy? Not busy enough to warrant being able to complain about being busy?

Discuss.
________________________

Secondly, an observation.

Over the last couple of weeks I've been driving by this McDonald*s billboard in my neighborhood:


As an infertile hopped up on baby-making crack (a.k.a. ovulatory stimulants), you damn well know when I first saw this sign, I did not see the McDonald*s logo, or even, the fat-riddled sausage sandwich.

I thought it could be a message from God himself.

Freakin' hormones.

Day 13 ...almost there

Back from another titillating RE monitoring check.

Follies are finally all taking off and catching up, after a nerve wracking 12 days of stims...

Right: 17, 16, 15, 14, 13 (plus two under 10)
Left: 16.5, 16, 15, 15, 15, 14, 14, 13 (plus three under 10)

Lining was 11mm.

Awaiting E2 results from the bloodwork. But, assuming that the estrogen rise was appropriate today, looks like I might have just two days of stims left. And the record for longest stimming patient (I kid, but come ON, 15 days??)

I have an appointment on Friday to do one more check, and probably a Saturday trigger (maybe). Which means Egg Retrieval (ER) might be Sunday or Monday (maybe).

I have to admit, these IM injections are wearing on me. I am ready to move on to the next step.

Nurse T and Nurse L keep reminding me that I am doing just fine.

I am trying to believe them. Really trying.

Day 11

Another monitoring appointment this AM.

Things are still progressing. My E2 from Saturday on Day 9 was 485, so just means more stims for me. Lining was 10mm.

Results from today's estrogen check = 792.

Meanwhile, the ovaries are still chugging along. Those 10's are now 11's and 12's, and they are all catching up to each other. Left and Right all within the 11-15 range. In my last two IUI cycles, I would be triggering by now, but not this time. I keep looking for any concern from the doctors/nurses, but they are not scared easily I guess. "IVF cycles are different..." they say. See you on Wednesday.

Started the Ganirelix last night, and you would think that measly subQ needle would be a breeze for me, considering I've been using the 1 1/2" IM needles. But after I himmed and hawed about where to inject on my thigh, it took me serious concentration to inject myself. And then after the shot, my skin started to itch a little and the injection site looked like I was having a minor skin reaction. Since I had an allergic reaction to the hCG I started to wonder if I was having another reaction to this medication. I started to panic a little. Then I iced it, and within 10 minutes it was okay.

I told the nurse this morning, and she said it was a normal thing, and many ladies experience the same. As long as it went away quickly, it was no biggie.

Now, it seems silly that I worried about it. But at the time the wind was howling, it was raining BUCKETS, and all I could think of was perhaps having to get in the car to a hospital, perhaps going into anaphylactic shock.

It was that kind of day yesterday.

Day 9, Threat Level Yellow

"Slow but steady wins the race..."

...says Dr. Nerd. Things are starting to go much better, so I am reducing the Threat Level to yellow for today at least.

My E2 is on the rise (was 225 on Day 7.... waiting for results for today's draw), and has been trending upward.

Today's ultrasound yielded a better picture (at faraway office, the u/s machines are better too so go figure):

Right: 14, 12, 11, 11, 10, 10, 10, and three <8>
Left: 12, 11, 10, 10, 10 and two <8>

Meds stay the same for today. Sunday, up the dose on the to 225IU (keep the Gonal-F the same) and start Ganirelix. Ganirelix is the "egg police" of sorts, to keep LH from prematurely surging and eggs releasing.

ER is now estimated for Wednesday, 8/13. ESTIMATED being the operative word. Of course, who knows at this point.

I'll take what I can get.

And let's keep praying for follie growth for the next scan on Monday. I'd love it if all 12 caught up with each other.

Day 7, Threat Level Orange

So, after 6 evenings of stims, I am ever so s-l-o-w-l-y plugging along.

This morning's scan revealed not much excitement. L Ovary is still slacking with 3 under 10 and some tiny follies. R Ovary has largest at 11, and seven under 10.

Well, at least none of the follicles are dominating the others. bwahaha.

Lining was a respectable 9mm. Waiting for E2 results.

So, now, I realize that my estimated ER will almost certainly be pushed out. Please tell me HOW on a low dose of the same medication with my last two IUI's a mere 6 months ago, I was overproducing sizable follicles and now I am in the eqivalent of the slow boat to China.

Anyway, the "C" word was not spoken (Cancellation, for those of you who don't know), but I am praying for some good growth for my next scan on Saturday or that could be on the table.

Speaking of Saturday's appointment, since it's the weekend, I have to go to the "far-away" office for my scan and b/w. Which means I have to get up at 5am in order to get there by 7:15am.

Which also means I have to ship David out to stay overnight at one of the Grandparents houses because hubby is WORKING on Saturday.

And did I mention that because I am using 7 vials of meds at a time I have to REFILL my Gonal-F and Menopur. I can't tell you my co-pay because you'd shit a brick. Of course this is where I also mention that I am fortunate to have some insurance. Not dissing those of you who are self-pay, you are truly the brave ones.

Sigh.

Please keep me and my follicles in your thoughts. Without all of your support I would surely be banging my head against the wall right now...