Limbo

Today is a good day, because I am taking a half-day to pamper myself and do some shopping. I decided this on Monday, when I looked in the mirror at my grey roots (who were screaming back at me for some highlights). I am pretty good with finding time to get my hair done, but I must admit this is the longest I've waited for a trim and touchup. So, this afternoon I am doing just that... and taking a side trip to look at some handbags.

So... I am also winding down the 2WW, and I have to tell you, I am reluctant to test. Today is 11dpiui.

First of all, I am out of HPT's, which makes the decision easier. Second, I have been on the progesterone suppositories for 9 days now, in hopes that I am supporting something that may or may not be there..... so no rush to test on that matter.

So, it is what it is, and there is nothing I can do at this point except wish for something good. So I am being a little lazy at the moment. Not wanting to know and wanting to know.

Symptom-wise, this month has been different. I know what it feels like to be pregnant and the early symptoms (after all, I've technically been pregnant 5 times), and this cycle has had me guessing and pondering. Little twinges here and there, sore boobs, headaches and such.

Which leads me to believe I have a very active imagination or I am feeling "it". I don't know anymore, I can't even be optimistic or pessimistic, so I half think I am purely mad.

Either way, I am waiting at the moment.

For courage or simply a moment of optimism.

And you thought I was stooopid

TV Reviews

Really? Wow, it must be all those big words I use like poopy and dingbat.

Try the link to see the readability score of your own blog!


In other news, it's 6dpiui and I had my luteal check this AM. All is well, just another week of waiting. I didn't have to do the booster hcg shot... because last month I found out I was allergic to the generic version. Did I forget to mention this? My arm swelled up like a balloon. ooops. At least I am not allergic to Ovidrel.

And, I must tell you that I had a really nice tour of David's (I hope will be) new school for kindergarten. The atmosphere was great, the staff professional, and the kids just seemed to love it there. I was surprised at the technological advances in the classrooms. Laptops everywhere, and no blackboards. Well, let me rephrase that, there were blackboards, but they started using a new technology last year where they have these "Smartboards".... think Blackboard-sized computers that you can write/draw on and such. And I do love the religious aspect. I thought I was showing up for the 2 cent tour, but it actually was an entire half day of meeting the faculty and students. What was really cool, is the staff encouraged us to ask questions to the kids in the various classes (K-8). The kids were honest. It was funny, informative and pretty awesome.

Then, the buzzkill. Tuition is increasing 35% by 2010-11 (to coincide with the local diocese's plan...so each Catholic school in the region will eventually have the same tuition). I could handle that, not surprising. What isn't getting more expensive?

But then, the big question at the end of the day... how does the school choose students if the amount of registrations exceeds slots available? The Principal noted that first dibs goes to current families already in the school with siblings.... then parishioners, then ????

??? being they didn't elaborate. Reading between the lines, it means knowing someone that makes the decision is probably helpful. We are parishioners, we were married there (at the church), David was baptized there, and hubby's family have been members since 1976. You would think that puts us ahead of the game, but it doesn't. Because there are a ton of parents that have the same background we do. Yeah, our town is pretty small in ways.

So, it's time to find an angle. I guess it's true you will do anything when it comes to the well-being of your children. I am the kind of person that stays in the rules and doesn't mow people over. Sweetness and kindness have been my strengths, and I don't need to be that boisterous and overbearing parent.

Nope not me.

However, I foresee some buttering up of the staff is in order. I've got two weeks before registration day to work this out. ;-)

Don't Worry Baby

Good lord, is it Monday already? I thought I just went through this last week. lol.

So, Saturday's IUI went off without a hitch. But I should divulge how the day started.

David and I left the house for a trip to Dunkin Donuts (coffee for me, Munchkins for the little guy) because S. was, shall we say,..... busy. When we got in the car, I looked down at the odometer which read 6666.6 (ewwww) and as the satellite station came up as we backed out of the garage, we heard the chorus of the Beach Boys song,
"Don't Worry Baby"

Dont worry baby
Dont worry baby
Everything will turn out alright

In hindsight, it felt like a page from a Stephen King novel. You know, how he introduces symbolism that negates each other.... positive/negative, good/bad, yin/yang. And he loves to quote songs in his books that completely leave you wondering.... what the??

But I digress.

So I get to the Faraway RE's Office, drop off the sample, and they tell me to come back in 90 minutes for the IUI. So I am left traipsing through Target for things I don't need (cute Valentine's stuff btw) and when I arrive back at the RE's office I am in a sea of waiting patients (every chair was occupied). That's what I hate most about Faraway RE's Office.... it's so huge it's intimidating. I like the staff and the smallness of my local office.

Anyway, as I am waiting this woman comes in and she looks odd. Her hair is wet (its freezing outside), she's sporting pajamas (hello, it's noon) and a Philadelphia Eagles coat. And she's talking to herself. And she continues to talk to herself as she's signing in, as she's hanging her coat, as she's getting a magazine, as she's sitting in the chair. I am thinking, "this woman is a loon".

And then, she turns to the other 25 people in the VERY SILENT waiting room and says (loudly) "Ya'll having a nice day????"

Ummmmm, yeah. We're here for shits and giggles you freak.

Everyone ignores her, and miraculously her name is called and she disappears into the back, but you can still hear her talking the nurse's ear off about how bad AF is and she will need to go to the bathroom RIGHT NOW.

You can't help but giggle at that. And, I guess its true that infertility can effect insane people too. lol.


Anyhoo, the IUI went well. Hubby's sample, although slightly lower post-wash than last time, had great motility 92%. And I am very sure I ovulated shortly after. Very pronounced pain from both sides. And, we did abide by Dr.P's orders, and sealed the deal again Saturday night. Couldn't have done anything better this cycle.

And now, we wait again.

And speaking of the 2WW, I just have to give a shout out to one of my oldest online buddies, Beka. She got a blazing BFP over the weekend. If there is anyone in the world I want to be pregnant more than myself, it's Beka. It's been a long road for her.

Sticky vibes to you sister, I have a feeling this one's the keeper. xo

Smiley faces are an extra charge

We finally made it to Friday.

This has been a long week for me (aren't they all?) but this one was really pushing my limits. Just everything coming from all sides....

So, I had my final follie check for this cycle, today is CD 12. I didn't mention, but my RE upped my dosage when I had sped up and then spun my wheels after 6 days of stims.

For the last two days, I went to 3 vials (225 IU) of Gonal-F. Today, as if the fairy godmother herself had waved her wand over my ovaries, were 3 mighty fine looking ready-to-go mature follies. Large and in charge. The thing that was different than last cycle (as I was looking at the u/s) was the follies were perfectly round and so pronounced. I have four on the L (two mature)and three on the R (one mature), but when he looked at the left, the shadow from one of the follies cast what looked like a smiley face on the largest follicle. Even the nurse saw it, and we joked about it. Let's hope that happy egg is the golden egg.

I triggered this morning at 7am, and have my IUI scheduled for later tomorrow.

And here's an interesting fact. I gave myself the trigger in the RE's office, which is the first time I actually did an injection myself. Since I received all the stims in my upper arm, Hubby was the only dispenser of injections until today. I really don't have a fear of giving myself injections, I just never had the occasion to. It was a little freaky but very cool.

The only downside this time is we have to go to Faraway Office for the IUI. Which means, if you see a Black SUV whizzing down Route 73 tomorrow in NJ, it will be me with S.'s swimmers. Please make way for the crazy infertile.

:-0

Random Thoughts

U/S and blood draw was this morning, and I'm down to just two lead follies (one on each side..... a little less exciting than last cycle) 16x15 and 15x15. Another check on Friday, and possible IUI Saturday or Monday.

Did you watch American Idol last night? It was my hometown (Philly) night, and I am now convinced that I live in the land of crazies and crack whores. Most of the people that got through to the next round weren't even from Philadelphia. Am I going to do another season of weekly AI posts here when the finals start? Hmmmmmm... I don't know, I'll have to see if the mood strikes me.

Work.... has been heinous. I am working myself into the ground, all while surfing job postings. I've decided I need a change.

I started walking two weeks ago as a means to get healthier and lose weight while I am in infertility hell. Yesterday, I almost had a heart attack when a neighbors dog (tied to a tree... don't get me started) lunged at me as I walked by and almost cracked its neck. That's the second time in two weeks that I had a dog incident. Now I know why people use treadmills. It's not always safe on the mean streets of the Jersey suburbs.

It's 3 weeks to my 40th birthday (Feb. 2nd). Sigh.

Monday, Monday

Every other day, every other day
Every other day of the week is fine, yeah
But whenever Monday comes, but whenever Monday comes
A-you can find me cryin' all of the time

I'm feeling a little on the yuck side today. No, I'm not sick (at least I hope I'm not getting sick). I'm just feeling.... I don't know... that kind of BLAH. Where nothing is very colorful, and nothing is exciting or even interesting.

Even my coffee doesn't taste good today. That's really a travesty!

I'm avoiding work today. It's a mixture of just being a little burnt out lately, and the fact that it dawned on me that I may have to make a very important decision as to where my career is going in the next month. You see, January is "clean-up" month around my organization. We do yearly reviews, wrap up projects, talk about the coming year directions, and we have the "career" discussions.

So my boss fills me in on some changes coming down the road and offers me a slightly different direction (based on a huge acquisition coming on). After which I can hear the clock ticking down. The decision clock.

I am in SUCH A QUANDARY.

I can either stay in the general area/job role I'm currently in -OR- leave the organization and go to a new division/new job.

As you know, I knew this decision was coming. I was dreading it. Because as you might imagine, my infertile status has pretty much driven my career over the last two years... playing the "what-if" game. What if I am, what if I'm not. What if I have to travel more? What if a new manager doesn't like the fact that I am pursing an important personal goal that limits my schedule??

Reasons to stay put with my same manager is I don't have to reexplain my status... but the "different direction" is still essentially the same job. I have to work my ass off, but I can pop on and off the radar at will with the blessing of my manager. However, I am hating this job. Well, hate is a strong word. I don't like it anymore... it's tedious, boring.

A new job would be invigorating, but the downside is I can lose the support of my management with the infertility stuff. I could end up traveling more. The job may end up less stressful, but I wouldn't know in what ways that would manifest. I would be a newbie again, and have to prove myself again.

Having said that, if I wasn't in infertility hell, I would take a new job, hands down. It would be an easy decision. I've been ready to go a totally different route since this time last year when I was promoted.

I'm bitter. I'm bitter and pissed that my infertility has seeped into my work. And any decisions I make are based on it. Compartmentalizing isn't working anymore. I need to find a happy medium... and I am sooooo far from it. F&^K!!


In other news, it's Stim Day 5 here (didn't that go fast?) and I am a little ahead this cycle in terms of follie size, so not sure what that means at the moment. I guess depending on my bloodwork from this morning, they may tweak my dose. I had two lead follies on the left, and three on the right... all similar in size and larger than this point last cycle.

Oh Monday, Monday...

Day Three

I had my baseline u/s today and was given the all clear to start injections again tonight. No cysts, thank goodness. Lining thinned out to appropriate level. I'm following the same protocol as last month (150 IU of Gonal-F) since my stats were so pretty. Of course, nice stats don't equal a pregnancy so they can't be that great.

The only snag I ran into preparing for this cycle was the meds. Or I should say the accessories to the meds. I got my new shipment of meds yesterday sans syringes and tips for IM injection. So I called the Speciality Pharmacy Unit to ask if they would please send more (I have some left over from last cycle but not enough since they shorted me the first time). The asked me why, and THREE times I proceeded to tell them, yes, I have the Gonal-F vials and Sub-q needles, but I can't use the ones that come in the box. I need IM. Three "specialty pharmacist specialists" (say that ten times fast) later it finally dawns on them what I am asking for.

Duh.

On the upside, my RE was willing to let me coast of 4 days of stims and come in on Monday instead of hoofing it to the faraway office over the weekend for my check-in. That makes me happy.

Better the second time around?

And so starts another cycle.

Thanks you guys, for your comments yesterday and e-mails. Who commented that I sounded sad but not devastated? It think it was you MM, and you are pretty dead on.

I am ok about it. Sad and bitter, but ok.

Because, in the world of IF a new cycle starts the beginning of a new chance. And, really, what's better than living your life in two-week increments?? Yes, sarcasm indeed.

So, Thursday marks another Day 3 scan and bloodwork and the start of the dreaded IM injections. Actually, I lie. The injections are not that bad at all. S. is now an injection whiz, and I have it down to a science, really. At least they make me feel like I am working towards something, which is a good mind diversion.

It also helps to get moving onto a new cycle before the bills come in for the previous one. lol.


Sigh... I don't know guys. It's been 2 1/2 years of this rollercoaster. Maybe I need a Plan B.

Actually, Plan B is IVF, so maybe I need a Plan C.