Not Okay in OK

I really do not like to bring up certain hot button topics on this blog, because I am very much a non-confrontational type of person.  But when I read this post from Mel today, I just about fell out of my chair (for the second time in a week no less).

Seriously, this is out of hand.  The State of Oklahoma has tipped the slippery slope of abortion rights down into a hellish vortex.  Now, if you are a woman in Oklahoma choosing an abortion it carries two new perks.

1.  You will be belittled in front of medical professionals.
2.  You will be treated like a child and denied information about your pregnancy if a doctor sees fit.

And if you are wondering... there is no exception for rape and incest.  A state senator described the passing of this into law as "A good day for the cause of life..."

If this can happen in Oklahoma, it can happen in your state.

Scary beyond belief.

The Lone Ranger

My bad luck follows me like a stray dog.

They had to thaw all 7 remaining embryos, and of those, only ONE made it through the thaw.  My clinic has a 70% thaw rate.  There I go beating the crappy odds once again.

I'm disappointed, sad, and generally pissed off.

The one that made it is "extremely good quality", so says embryologist. I know it only takes one, but let's face it... the odds are already slim that an FET will work at all, and now I just decreased my odds even further.

My journey... it's so close to the end.

And now I have 48 hours of bedrest to ponder it over and over.

Dammit.

The Downpour

Coming off of a stellar week, and when I say "stellar" I say that with the most sarcasm I can muster.

I've been sick since last Friday, with some sort of head cold/sinus infection. I can't even describe the amount of pain I was in over the weekend. I can tell you that I seemed to have passed my cold to S., and David has been acting a little wonky, and wonky=sick is coming. This despite washing our hands until raw, and coating my house in a thin layer of Lysol and disinfectant.

Rule #1: You cannot STOP the germs.

On top of all of this, S. found out his job vanished last week. Poof! It's a veritable Halloween nightmare. It's almost comical, really- that partnered with the news I received recently that my own job is pretty much toast (the job will go by the holidays, along with my sanity) . So we know one job is gone for sure, we are just waiting for the pink slip. Possibly both.

I'm not going to lie. I am steps away from losing my mind. That being said, we are coping. I don't know how, but we are. We have begun preparations for the hurricane of job loss. Around now, I would be starting a Christmas list. Not this year.

I've been diverting my attention with David activities. He has soccer 2x a week, and just started cub scouts (which he LOVES so far). Poor S. had to do both without me this past weekend. I was lounging in bed with a cold ice pack on my head and hyped up on caffeinated hot tea.

I should mention that a sinus infection + Lupron is a bad mix. So for my friends cycling, if you feel a sickness coming on RUN (don't walk) to the doctor for antibiotics. Or suffer the worst headache you've EVER had.

I'm just sayin'...

Proof my life revolves around Infertility and Handbags

I'm not one for blog statistics, but once in awhile I dig in to see how people have happened upon this blog.

I call it the Keyword Boredom Buster. Last time I posted about this I focused on some of the serious/heartbreaking search terms, so this is the more lighthearted version.

"is a 5 day transfer a good thing?" well, sure, if it works!

"jack sparrow pregnancy" oooh, is this the new twist for the next Pirates of the Caribbean installment? Something tells me this is stretching Johnny Depp's acting range. No- a pregnant male pirate is not an image I want in my head. But thanks for putting it there.

"fortune for getting pregnant" well, I can tell you it hasn't appeared in any of my fortune cookies, but if it does, I'll let you know.

"i'm infertile and I hate celebrities" yeah, me too.

"help, I'm trapped in a zoo" I hope you're not in the lions den. Good luck with that.

"cheap handbag looks expensive" You are KILLING me! This just does not exist. It DOES Not.

"is ringing in my ear sensing danger" Are you on my favorite show, Heroes?? ...either that or you have an ear infection. I'm betting ear infection.

"only infertiles are intelligent" I like you.

"is transfer implantation" I hope you are someone googling this because you are intrigued by the media's apparent lack of intelligence in that they simply CANNOT get the terminology right (especially with regards to recent events in the news). You TRANSFER embryos, not IMPLANT them. Using the word "implant" implies that people that undergo IVF should SUCCEED, and we ALL know how untrue that is. Oh hell, I just stepped onto my soapbox. Stepping down now.

"I love coffee more than husband" Disturbing and truthful.

"I'm stored in the closet" Hopefully, you have some nice handbags to look at. Is it dark in there? Wait, are YOU a handbag?

Grumpy mcGrumperson

Things That Make Me Grumpy (Long Weekend Edition):

1. Waiting all week to get my Chick-fil-A fix, and getting fries that are overdone and unseasoned. Argh! The tragedy!

2. This. Isn't she, like, OLDER than me??? Where's the fairness in that?

3. Making call #967 to medical insurance company only to be told everything in their universe takes 10-14 days to process (even though they told me 10-14 days 20 days ago).

4. Breaking my nail trying to open a can of soda- after I just painted them.

5. Finding out that the SPAM filter on my e-mail account has captured and EATEN 50% of my e-mail in the last two weeks because the upgrade I applied changed a setting. (Sorry if you sent me an e-mail recently and I haven't responded. Resend if it was important and you jumped to the conclusion that I am ignorant).

6. My hair is falling out! WTF? I don't know if it's coming off the meds or stress or both.

7. Missing little D. He's currently with the G-Parents down the shore celebrating his last weekend of summer vacation.

I hope you all have a nice weekend, and remember, do not use your just painted fingernails for leverage. Especially if you don't get around to painting them often!

The Map to Paradise

I got another update from the clinic today. Wasn't even expecting one to tell you the truth, since the last time I spoke to the DC (donor coordinator) yesterday she said "no more updates.. see you at transfer!".

We now have 10 fighters ready to duke it out as leaders of the pack. I'm just so tickled pink to have anything approaching Day 5 as an honest to G-o-d blastocyst.

Anyway, I have to share a funny story, because it's always a joy to experience levity when you are about to make or break the rest of your life.

So who remembers the post I wrote about the worst transfer experience known to man (or me at least)? So if you weren't reading along back then- it was last August 2008, and I had the most uncomfortable transfer because I happen to have a cervix that is certifiably wonky. It has good and bad days, and on the WORST, loves to hide and generally be a pain in the ass. I cringed the entire time I was on the table. No valium either that day, and who knows if that transfer was the cause of my Swan Song cycle to fail... anyway...

In speaking with the IVF nurse who called to tell me about my embies, I asked who will be doing the transfer tomorrow (there are 4 RE's at my clinic). It happens NOT to be the doctor I had last time-- Dr. No, for those of you familiar with my RE's.

Now you might think, "Yeah!" BUT... it I love Dr. No. He was the man that did a blind HSG in under two minutes with my crazy cervix. Not to mention two trial transfers and a host of IUI's.

It was just a bad day--- that day last year. Dr. No took copious notes, and in my follow-up to failed IVF#1 he said... "I wrote a ton of notes, and if you have a future transfer, I will know exactly what to do, and how to get there! No worries!!"

Turns out the RE doing my transfer tomorrow is the RE I know least (but do like him what I know of him... he did my retrieval last year). Let's call him Dr. Stevenson... because he reminds me of a young Parker Stevenson (Hardy Boys... anyone??? Shaun Cassidy played his brother?)

I digress.

So I ask IVF Nurse to remind Dr. Stevenson to look at Dr. No's notes. I want to be VERY SURE that I am in NO PAIN and the transfer is as easy as possible.

Her response... was classic...

"oh yes! Dr. No's notes were extensive, and I already passed them onto Dr. Stevenson. He even drew a detailed MAP to your cervix."

The fall of civilization

Well, I took my last BCP yesterday. Just waiting for AF to show. I'll be happy to back off the Lupron a little bit. I've been having hot flashes at night. The headaches, not so bad as long as I keep hydrated.

The donor meds saga was resolved, but not without a minor freakout yesterday that all my work to date was for nothing when ONCE AGAIN a customer service person thought I was paying cash. Thank goodness for my new friend at the other specialty pharmacy who reminded me to remain calm, and then called the OTHER pharmacy to remind them of my insurance details. Ugh, such horrible communication between these insurance agencies.

Anyway, when it rains it pours. Husband and I recently changed over our phone service to the MASTER MONOPOLY CABLE PROVIDER in PA/NJ (we already had internet and digital cable with them), and man, they screwed us big time with our bill. In addition, our phones still aren't working correctly since the initial install. S. has been in charge of that big 'ole mess, and last night just went ballistic on the customer service folks. We call with a service problem that's been ongoing for two weeks AND a bill issue... and what do they do?? They try to freaking up sell us on another one of their worthless features!! Arghhhh! Are you kidding me??

All of my complaints this week are directly related to the US Economy, I suppose. Is is me, or are all of you feeling like you have to fight with service providers more than you used to? I have to be honest, I feel like I have another full-time job just dealing with money-obsessed companies.

What's next? Will my favorite donut shop start not filling my coffee cup to the top to save a penny?

Oh, nevermind. I don't want to go there. That's too traumatic to think about.

You HAD to pick a fight, didn't you?

First it was the Octuplet story that got my blood a'boilin. Although I didn't post about it here, most of you know how I felt about that circus via comments to others blogs. That doctor should have his license pulled, and the media given a slap on the hand for their reporting of the story. I didn't feel so much anger for Ms. Suleman, but rather feeling angry that others didn't put the breaks on her ill-conceived (no pun intended) plans.

But now.

Oh, hold me back. I just finished reading a post on Mom Logic that sent me over the edge. In fact, it so made me angry that I had to sleep on this post otherwise you all would be trying to decipher my comments between a litany of four-letter words. Not to say I won't use a few here, so be forewarned...

GINA (guest blogger), bless her heart, is probably the meanest Pro-Life advocate to ever walk the earth.

I respect women's right to choose, but I have little tolerance for pro-choicers
who expect sympathy when they have a miscarriage.

Oh really, Gina?

If you believe that pregnancy doesn't produce a baby until some magic
number (13 weeks? 20 weeks? 40?), then you must also agree that it's ridiculous
to break down in hysterics, set up a memorial website for your "angel," and seek
out a grief counselor when you start bleeding in your first trimester. After
all, you're simply talking about the loss of a conglomeration of microscopic
cells, right?! That's hardly something to cry about.

Oh, no, please SAY YOU DID NOT GO THERE Gina...

Advocate all you want, but don't come crying to me when your hypocrisy hits
you like a ton of bricks. If you are going to defend the right to abort babies,
you don't have the right to be upset when yours dies.

Ok, now I'm pissed. Are you fucking saying that I deserved five miscarriages????

First, before I go all nuclear on Gina's ass... let me say a few things so you all know where I am coming from:

I am Pro-Choice. I do not dislike people who are Pro-Life. In fact, I have respect for anyone who can stand by a belief. Our views are uniquely our own, and we have the right to defend them.

However.... BEING Pro-Choice DOES NOT mean someone is PRO-ABORTION!

Pro-Choice means I don't want the government in my fucking business. It has nothing to do with abortion. Two totally different things, Gina.

Gina, have you ever had a loss? Something tells me that you haven't. It is a soul-crushing event. And regardless of political views, I have empathy and compassion for ANYONE that experiences a loss. The fact that you DON'T tells me one thing... you are a very misguided and evil woman. Actually, you might even be a man for all I know. I just can't fathom someone writing such bullshit.

And, Mom Logic, despite your "disclaimer" at the beginning of the post, I am disappointed in you as a website. Clearly, there is a line where free speech crosses into hurtful vitriol. Something tells me that Gina being let loose is merely a tactic for page hits. Shameful.

Shameful!

Last, Gina, a few parting words... You may think my views are wrong, but at the heart of it, I am Mom and an Infertile. I have a living, beautiful son. I have had FIVE dead babies, each which I mourned and cried for. I have compassion. Therefore, I respectfully disagree with your rant, and hope that YOU NEVER experience a loss. Maybe then you will change your tune and not be so goddamn ignorant.

Gina, you have taken on a portion of the Internet that is much more unforgiving than I.

You better be ready for the backlash. You'll finally get your 15 minutes of fame I know you've been waiting for all your life.

And it ain't gonna be pretty.

One foot in front of the other

You never will get where you’re going
If you never get up on your feet
Come on, there’s a good tail wind blowing
A fast walking man is hard to beat
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking cross the floor
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking out the door
If you want to change your direction
If your time of life is at hand
Well don’t be the rule be the exception
A good way to start is to stand

David has been obsessed with Christmas television shows. The lyrics above, from the 1970 classic "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" (by Jules Bass). I adored this as a kid, and still do. And this song is one of my favorites... I can hear Fred Astaire singing right now.

What a simple message.

One foot in front of the other. And soon you'll be walking out the door.

Perfection in so many ways, eh?

So yeah, I didn't mean to scare you guys with my freak-out post yesterday (thank you for your supportive comments!), but it is what it is I guess. S. is in limbo with his employment, and well, that situation may either change drastically (if he's laid off soon), or improve (the job fairy finds him a suitable place to land).

On the other side of the coin, my employment (forever up in the air, as it has been for 15 years) is once again on the skids. The goal: find another job within the company that provides safe-haven (in other words, gets me thru 2009 without getting a pink slip). The technology environment is always so cyclical, and I've been laid off twice before (and found a job in-house), so this is no new news really. Just a harbinger of things to come. A situation that I DO NOT NEED when my husband's position is in jeopardy.

The good news is we've already been cutting back on expenses. The intent was to lighten the load for the donor cycle expenses, but it appears we had good timing to at least get our debt in order the last three months.

We need to re-examine our lifestyle and seriously crank back MORE just in case. And, no the donor cycle is still in play. And, yes, David will indeed have a great Christmas. Just less stuff.

Burgermeister Meisterburger is not going to rain on my parade.

Cancelling Christmas

Well, it's going to be a very back-to-basics holiday season around here. Without going into too much detail, suffice to say that 2009 will bring a change of pace economically for my family.

Check out my latest post at New Jersey Moms Blog for part of the story...

The rest of the story is, well, crappy also. More to come when I'm not stressing out.

Goth and Teen Queens

Back in the 80's when I was in high school and college I fancied myself the Queen of Alternative Music. When everyone else was rockin' out to Van Halen, Bon Jovi, Ozzy, Poison, and Whitesnake... I was pondering the meaning of life with my favorite RECORD collection (and cassette tapes)... wearing black, and hanging out with dudes who wore eyeliner.

I was into The Cure, Erasure, Bauhaus, The Smiths, New Order, R.E.M., and U2.

I should also admit that in the 80's I was also a big fan of Prince, Wham! and Duran Duran, but in the "cool crowds" I never would admit that.

So it deeply saddens me upon reading this post this morning:

Hilary Duff bastardizes Depeche Mode

Have my 80's idols actually SOLD OUT to a tween queen with a manufactured persona and voice?

Say it ain't so.

I knew there would come a day when my music became "the oldies" (like 50's and 60's music are to my parents), but I am not ready to hear it. I know that music "sampling" is a cool thing to do nowadays- take an old song and introduce it to the young people as new.

The problem: the audience doesn't know the original song, and ends up mistaking the new song as NEW. Therefore, never fully appreciating how GOOD the original is.

I know there has got to be readers to my blog that have no clue who Depeche Mode is, but sure as hell know Hilary Duff. And to them, I say... you missed a lifetime of great music in the 80's. Go forth and download all of the above groups I mentioned to your iPod and experience what being "cool" was all about.

Next thing you know Britney Spears will be covering "Purple Rain" on her comeback tour.

Speaking of which, "Purple Rain" was far and above one of the best albums ever released. E-V-E-R.

Show Prince some love, and tell me you loved it too.

I think we need a bigger boat

No worries, I haven't been absent, just enjoying a long weekend.

Well, sorta.

The economy has been bringing me down. Waaaaay down. Add to it that it coincides with our future plans, and well... you get the idea.

I posted over at my other home, NJ Moms Blog about the latest casualty in the BagMomma house. It's a small thing, but pretty much marks The End of Days around here.

Nope, it isn't pretty. Kind of makes me feel completely insane that I am about to take out a very large loan for medical expenses.

Back tomorrow with fun stuff from the pumpkin patch. It's not just for celebrities!


p.s. you do get the pun about the boat, right? Columbus Day? Jaws? I know it's a fuzzy connection, just go with it.

Double Trouble?

Something I am pondering today...

Twice this morning (on the radio, and in print), I heard/read the expression "I'm a busy Mom of 2..." Maybe its my hormonal brain, but thinking about that expression, do you ever hear someone say...

"I'm a busy Mom of 1..." ?

So if you have one child, are you less busy? Not busy? Not busy enough to warrant being able to complain about being busy?

Discuss.
________________________

Secondly, an observation.

Over the last couple of weeks I've been driving by this McDonald*s billboard in my neighborhood:


As an infertile hopped up on baby-making crack (a.k.a. ovulatory stimulants), you damn well know when I first saw this sign, I did not see the McDonald*s logo, or even, the fat-riddled sausage sandwich.

I thought it could be a message from God himself.

Freakin' hormones.

That sinking feeling

I was just putting David into the bathtub and taking my vitamins and my (last) BCP, when I heard a bunch of commotion in the master bathroom.

There was S., pulling everything out from under the bathroom sink. The entire cabinet was dripping wet.

It seems that builders grade sinks can rust out and fall to pieces. Really.

The good news is *something* made S. actually look under the cabinet, otherwise we would have ended up with an even bigger problem. I had visions of water seeping through to the 1st floor and a homeowners claim, but thankfully we caught it in time.

The bad news is we have two other bathroom sinks in the house that are also crappy builders grade and likely also rusting and decomposing under our noses. Not to mention we had plans to gut said bathroom and renovate next year so I am annoyed that I have to replace something that I'll rip out again in a year anyway.

So last night turned into "Bob the Builder FixIt Night" (or so David called it) and S. removed the sink and sub-par plumbing attachments. We now have a big hole awaiting a new sink.

One trip to Large Home Improvement Store today, and we will be ready for Part II... installing a new sink.

Fun times at the BagMomma house.

Just what are you intending on doing with those pills?

Fun times yesterday.

I opened my pack of BCP's to see there was just three left, so I figured I better call the pharmacy for the refill. My RE has me finishing this pack, and then taking three more pills from a new pack... the intent was to get me aligned with their schedule with the lab and the other IVF patients. Now having just received a shipment of $7k worth of meds, you'd think getting a refill on a measly pack of birth control pills would be a cinch.

Not so. I called in my refill, and it was rejected. Rejected?? For what?

Pharmacist tells me I am refilling TOO EARLY. While it is true I have technically 10 left in the current pack (three active pills and 7 blanks) I stressed to said pharmacist that I need the pack NOW for the weekend. LOOK at the INSTRUCTIONS on the label, it says, TAKE 2 PACKS CONTINUOUSLY.

After a 15 minute exchange with the pharmacy, with looks from them like I was trying to ROB the place or involve them in some sort of birth control pill "black market scheme", I finally walked out with my $4 refill.

Ummmm, how is it that I can get injectible drugs and narcotics for this IVF cycle with ease, BUT was asked twenty questions for a $4 pack of pills?

Truly scary.

One "100 Calorie Snack Pack" away from blowing it

The devil exists in my pantry. It comes in the form of sweet, sometimes salty, often chocolaty, and definitely unfulfillingly addictive delights.

The 100-Calorie Snack.

I would like to publically thank the Large Food Companies for totally ruining my diet. Because it's a lot like that old potato chip commercial...

"Betcha can't eat just ONE!"

If you were to look in my garbage can in my office you would see a sight. Empty foil wrappers and crumbs. Reminants of 200-300-400-1,000 calories down the drain.

It's a conspiracy.

I should just go back to buying large bags of C.hee.tos.

At least I wouldn't be contributing gazillions of foil wrappers into the massive un-ecofriendly trash dumps.

So much for portion control.

The land that infertility forgot: The OB/GYN's office

Today brought another visit to the GYN for my annual exam. Now, if you remember, the last time I stepped foot in this office I almost had a smackdown with one of the patients in the waiting room.

But this time it was relatively serene. I did grab a seat between two hugely pregnant women, but there was no chit chat, which pleased me. Well, except that the one girl looked like she was a day shy of 18 years old.... but I digress...

I was even surprised that I got called back early, but my good fortune ended soon after I rose from my seat. My doctor was stuck at the hospital, so my choice was to reschedule or see the nurse practioner.

Since my IVF cycle hinges on having my PAP completed, I opted to stay. Turns out the nurse was pretty nice. She talked to me about my plans, and had actually read my chart before she walked in so we didn't have to do the "what's going on and how's your status because I don't know who the hell you are" conversation. Further, she impressed me by acknowledging my circumstance and providing a good listening ear. She even knew a lot about infertility treatment (perhaps she did a stint at an RE's office), and that was amazing in itself since I have found that OB/GYN's (at least the one's I've met in my lifetime) do not care to know a lot about the science behind A.R.T.

Hey and guess what??
Only two weeks left until stims start!

I need to re-educate hubby as my injection assistant. I'm sure he's a little rusty.

The all-American breakfast

I knew there was a reason I lived here.

Perhaps I should trade in my bagel and coffee ritual for this morning treat?

Watch the video, and pack your bags to visit me in New Jersey. You know you want to.

Yes, I'm bitter

This post bothers me...

Gwyneth Paltrow Plans Another Baby

Apparently, she is willing to "force herself" into having another baby.

It must be lovely to lead the life of Gwynnie.

Rich and completely effortless.

Yes, I am a BITTER bitch.

Don't ask, don't tell

The line between keeping some level of privacy during fertility treatment is hard. I am not generally an ultra-private person, but in some aspects of my life I am. Other times, I WANT to say something (especially if the person is a closer acquaintance), but opening the door is, well, HARD.

At work, for example, the only person who knows what is really going on with me is my boss. My manager is also a long time work friend (she was a confidante before she ever became my boss) so it's a relief that I don't have to feel uncomfortable talking to her. If it were anyone else, I'd probably keep the details general... just enough to know why I might be out-of-pocket, or taking a sick day. As far as the other co-workers I talk to on a daily basis, they have no idea.

I also have a hobby on the side which involves a group of ladies I've known for years. Even though they know generally that I've been trying to have another baby, I spare them some of the details. I had committed to taking a girls trip with them in July and I just canceled but haven't told them yet. I didn't want to, but the dates conflict with my upcoming cycle. I am struggling with the right words to tell them I have to pull out.... I know they will understand.... but I am a wee bit uncomfortable thinking about how much I want to share.

I am getting used to infertility invading all of these types of relationships.

Scenarios that totally wreck me are those like one I experienced recently with a Mom I've spoken to for the last 4 years at David's daycare/school. Her daughter is the same age as David, and they've been in the same classes since they were 8 months old. She has since had another child and is working on a third, and she asked me recently if I intended to have any more children.

I get that question A LOT from acquaintances, and god I hate to answer it.

I usually try to change the subject. Or, if I know the person pretty well, my stock comment is.... "well, we've been trying for a long time, no luck yet." At that point the other person usually gives me that sad-sack look of pity and simultaneously runs for the hills (like on Scooby Doo, when they are all running in place).... OR, they say something completely dumb, like
"Oh, it will happen, don't worry" or
"If you don't think about it, it will happen" or
the ever-popular "well, at least you have David."

Worse yet is when people just start spouting tips and hints on getting pregnant.

This scenario has manifested itself often lately, and perhaps I am just being a bit high-strung, but one of these days this may be the comment that flows out of my mouth in response to the dumb comment(s):

"Thank you for your concern, but I am so damn tired of people giving me advice about trying to conceive, cause honestly I've been there done that a million times and it's NOT WORKING. There is no HINT or ASSVICE you could possibly give to me that I haven't heard. Unless you have a CRYSTAL BALL or something and can tell me with absolute surety that all the pain and anguish, money, peesticks, bloodwork, poking, and false hopes will ultimately result in a LIVE BABY instead of a DEAD BABY.... just don't open your mouth. Just don't."

aaaah, that felt good. I'll never say it, but at least I got to write it here.