Photo Friday: Unexpected Love(s)

Last Friday, the family made our bimonthly expedition to the holy land, otherwise known as Target.

Let me tell you something about Target, it is pure shopping crack. You go there with a list of 3 items, and you leave with 23 items. I can get lost in the seasonal aisles for hours. I am pretty sure that the employees know me on sight, and FOR SURE the Starbucks guy in Target does. Please tell me your Target stores have Starbucks like mine....? it's heavenly. One of these days I am going to suggest they put my picture on the wall next to the store manager.   I'm that important to their monthly sales.

You wait and see.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, so we were shopping last Friday, and on a whim S. and I spotted a fire bowl. Truth be told, S. was looking for it. I was like, WHY do we need a freaking fire bowl for the patio? What IS a fire bowl?? Why not a chiminea?

Wait, what the hell is a chiminea?  Nah, we do fire bowls here.

Dude, it was ON SALE for $49, so we bought it! And I laughed thinking it was the most dumb, impulsive purchase ever from Target.

And you know what? It was the BEST money ever spent. We fired that baby up at 9pm Saturday night, and beers in hand (David had root beer) we toasted to our most AWESOME patio purchase.  We relaxed by the fire, sang silly songs, and pretended we were stranded on an island with just us and the mighty fire bowl.

We made wishes as the embers floated up to the heavens.

Most unexpected.

 

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If you would like to join in the fun of Photo Friday, catch the theme post for the week, and then post your own photo on Fridays and link back @ Calliope's blog.

Friday Fragmentary Thinking

So much to say.

I just haven't been in the mood to write it down. Or have the time, really. It's been a crazy month, and June looks like it will be equally as crazy.

So this post is just a mish-mash of what's been going on in my head lately.

Yesterday, we went to the zoo for David's first grade class trip. It was great. Great weather, great time.

The coolest thing? The prairie dogs, the bears, the otters, the turtles, the cheetahs!... oh heck, just everything!  We'll be going back soon to see everything we missed.  It's hard to fit it all in with just a few hour window.

Pictures courtesy of my main man, S. who basically just followed the pack of Moms, Dads, and kids with my new camera.

Last week was David's 7th birthday party. This was the first party I had at a party "place" instead of at home. He had a great time. We had family and friends from school. I must admit I liked not having to cook or clean up. lol.

Can I express my frustation at that 47 year old "celebrity" who is pregnant? Should I comment that I am a little PO'ed that by not disclosing HOW she got pregnant is merely giving a bad education to women out there that think they can pop out babies into their late 40's? With their own body parts?  Who freakin' knows...maybe she is in the lucky .00005%.  I certainly made that percentage on the flip side of unluckiness.

Perhaps I should convert to scien.tology. There's one thing I haven't tried yet.

Lastly, but not leastly... who watched Grey's last night on the edge of their freaking seats?

And who's with me on Sunday watching THE LAST episode of LOST??? I am beyond sad to see this show end.  Prepare for some live tweeting and lots of tears on Sunday.

Solitary

solitary: 1sol·i·tary
Pronunciation: \ˈsä-lə-ˌter-ē\
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English, solitarie, from Anglo-French, from Latin solitarius, from solitas aloneness, from solus alone
Date: 14th century


1 a : being, living, or going alone or without companions b : saddened by isolation

Last night I had a very weird dream. I don't remember much about it in its entirety, but what I do remember is waking up and feeling like I solved a great mystery of life.

In this dream, somehow I ended up sitting at a round table with about 10 people whose faces I did not recognize. We were talking about fears. I didn't feel scared, but rather... melancholy. Someone commented from the other side of the table that their worst fear is death.

My response was immediate, almost as if the words were just falling out of my mouth without my lips moving...

"I am less fearful of death, and most fearful of being alone."

It was nano-seconds later that I woke up, with those words still hovering in my head as if I said them aloud in the waking world.

I thought about it in the shower and and it was perfectly clear that as much as I would not like it to be so, it is my primary motivation in life.

It is the reason for everything.

As independent as I've led my life, I've let that fear mow me over in recent years. But when I look back to the choices I've made thus far, it's been the driving undercurrent all along...

...how could I have not realized that?

This therapy adventure has certainly opened my mind in ways I had forgotten about, or didn't have the key.

Specific to infertility, I am realizing that my want to complete my family has a lot to do with this one specific fear. The motivation has little to do with "kicking infertility's ass" and more to do with surrounding myself with people I can count on. People that my son can count on that will still be here 30-40 years from now. Let's face it, when I get old and if S. isn't here, I do not want David to be alone. I don't want him to have that burden.

I may be projecting my fear needlessly onto him, but it's something I think about more often than I should. This is probably the only reason I haven't truly given up. And if I am being honest with myself, I will never be able to move on until I feel comfortable that David has a sibling. Someone who can't easily walk away, uninvesting themselves when it is convenient.

I envy those that can and have made the active decision to push family-building to the back burner and move on. I've wondered if it is possible for me.

My therapist says I can do that if I wish, but it will take time.
I definitely can envision a life without cycling. I am 99% sure that I do not ever want to walk into a fertility clinic again. 

I am 100% sure that there is a child waiting for me, if I put myself out there.

It is very surreal to me, to know that before I had David, I always had this invisible attraction to adoption. I didn't even know my "fertilty" status at the time, but I had always envisioned something extraordinary for my family. Perhaps I should have listened to my heart many, many years ago.

We are in research mode. No timeline, no stress. We will walk wherever the paths leads.

Life is a highway

I've been feeling a little sad this week.

There's no main cause... perhaps cabin fever had a little to do with it. Each day I wake up and look out of the window to whiteness, I grumble a little under my breath. I'm ready for winter to be over. I'm tired of the snow.

Work has been busy, and I've been plotting taking off some time soon. I feel like my work could swallow me whole if I let it. Last week my company forced a download to my laptop with a software update, and it blew my machine. I called the helpdesk, and when I say "help" desk I am exaggerating. They feined ignorance, and then tried to tell me my home wireless network was to blame (which it most certainly is NOT!) Our helplessdesk is a joke, staffed with people who live in almost uninabited areas of the world and make $1/hr. We are a technology company for goodness sake!  If you have a problem that isn't in their script, forget it.  There is no thinking outside of the box, or the script, as it were...  I wish I was kidding.

I was so mad I was spitting bullets. I worked on the issue into the wee hours of the morning, using Google as my guide. I thought I had fixed it. But unbeknownst to me there was some sort of auto-update that removed my hard work again. grrrrrrr....

On Thursday, I am giving up my car. I love my car (remember when I got it three years ago?).   The lease is up on it, and with recent events (and current events), we simply needed to downsize. As much as I will miss it, I am glad to be breaking free from it.  I spent many days driving it to the fertility clinic and getting my unfair share of bad news.  I cried big tears in that car.  As much as I will miss the luxury, I will not miss the reminder of it.  The funny thing is we've been progressively downsizing our cars over the last 7 years.  Since S. is still in the auto business, we are limited in our choice since we must take advantage of his employee discount.  It's the same make, different car.  Much cheaper.  Better gas mileage. Cheaper payment.  And, as S. proclaimed, thank goodness it's not black.  He hated waxing my black car.

I've also spent some time thinking ahead.  I've not done a lot of that lately...   I found that living in the moment was much less stressful.  But once in awhile, the monster greets me in an unlikely place. 

He found me in the car this past weekend.  S., David and I were driving home from having a nice lunch and David was talking up a storm in the back seat.

"Mommy, Daddy... why don't I have a sister or brother?  Did I do something wrong?"

I just about drove off the highway.  S. held my hand and we pulled into a Starbucks.  It was everything I could do to not start bawling.

I let S. answer because I couldn't. 

I just couldn't.

Christmas Wrap

I can't let the year finish without the obligatory Post-Christmas post. I guess I am off my game this year, because I really don't have many pictures. Damn!  I was busy taking some video, and left the picture taking to S., and well... that didn't work out so great.

Truth be told, it's no secret that I've had a Nikon camera on my wish list for years now, and thanks to "the-expenses-I-care-not-to-talk-about" it's hard to justify buying it.  Just me and my crappy camera for now.

We did have a nice holiday.  All the snow melted from earlier in the week thanks to a drenching downpour Christmas Day, which gives a good excuse to DO NOTHING.  I spent the entire weekend in the house with David and husband, building Legos, and playing video games.  I am now a resident expert of Lego Rock Band for Nintendo DS.  Yes I AM. And proud of it.

This week, while I've been working like a crazed lunatic, S. and David have been having fun.  Lots of fun.    Not that I am missing it all (well, I sort of am) but I am a wee bit jealous.

While I am hip-deep in my financial reporting and firedrills for work, they have been embracing some serious 1x1 male bonding time.  And for the first time in recorded history, they are grocery shopping for me.  ALONE.  God help me.

As New Years Eve looms tomorrow, I had thought about posting my annual why the year sucked bad post.  But that's getting repetitve. 

I've got a lot of bitching to do but not in the mood to do it.

In fact, I have a lot of emotions to share with you all, but I don't want to pay it lip-service.  For now, I am enjoying having my boys (the big and little one) home with me. 

I just can't drag myself into that dark place right now.  Next week, when work calms down, I have a few items on my to-do list.

This year will be the year of healing.

Funny Girl

Who watches Glee? Is Sue Sylvester not the most evil incarnation of an antagonist you've ever watched on a TV show? I love the dark humor, almost as much as I loved the rendition of "Don't Rain on my Parade" this week. I think I liked it just as much as when Streisand sang it!!

Pure genius I tell you...

And for those wondering, NO, I am not abandoning my blog. Shifting focus, maybe, but not disappearing. If you dislike my vain attempts at humor, you may want to bail now. At the core of it all, I revert to laughter in times of uncertainty and I do plan on laughing again.  Just as soon as I stop crying.

I do.

I also have my posse of infertile friends to keep me busy obsessing about their cycles (now that I don't have my own to think about). I've got my buds about to become mommies for the first time. Surely you want my unsolicted advice on teething and swaddling, right? And lastly, but not leastly... the rest of you... My  Super-Duper Band of Sisters and Supporters. You've always been there for me, I continue to be there for you.

I end with something I haven't done a lot of lately. Picture time! as we approach the season of many holidays.  Sigh...  this could be the last one with Santa before he's tarnished.  lol.

See?  I'm laughing!

Gratitude

I have a lot to say, but just don't have the energy to put it into words right now.  That day is coming soon though...  just not today.   Don't worry, I'm not abandoning my blog.  Just waiting for the inspiration to move me.

I am writing today to offer up a heartfelt "thank you" to my brother and sister-in-law. Yesterday was a special day for our families. My brand new niece was baptized yesterday, and S. and I were the Godparents. You might be thinking that it was a bittersweet day for S. and I under the circumstances, but you couldn't be more wrong.

It was, in fact, the most beautiful day.... and I found myself smiling ear to ear all the way through it. It means the world to me that we were able to be active participants in such an important milestone.

Thank you K.   Thank you for your unwaivering support and always holding out your hand to me. It has not been easy to be related to me.  I have far too much baggage, and most sane people would have given up on me by now.  My self-preservation mode has often found me isolating myself, and there are such rare moments when I don't feel like the stranger looking from the outside in.  You have always managed to make me feel included and wanted, and never a stranger.  That is a feat unto itself.

Having a day like yesterday makes me feel human again. It was the closest I've felt to being "me" again in a long time.

It was the best day.

Thank you.

Trivialities

It's Friday, and I've had a long week at work, so forgive me for these most random thoughts.

I don't know if I mentioned it here (I did a few weeks ago over here), but I started W.eight W.atchers again. I cashed in on my head start (being sick after the holiday), and went into serious detox mode. Lost 5 pounds on my own, and another 8 since. My quick goal before starting my DE cycle was to drop as much weight as I could, and basically get myself to a healthier place.

To my surprise, I've been hanging in there. And after two weeks of hard-core detoxing, I must report I am feeling wonderful. My energy is back again! It's as is I flipped a light switch. Who knew? It was just the right time, and the right place of mind for me to do this. I am eating foods I never would have touched before. It seems a radical approach, BUT it is working for me right now.

David is having a great time @ basketball. The first practice was, well, hard for him. He seriously needed some help dribbling. But one basketball purchase later from T.arget, (and some practice time in with his Mom the "former teen basketball queen"), he is doing a lot better and loving the game. He especially loves the warm-ups (as evidenced to the right>>>>)


Also, I've been obsessing over something that is driving me crazy lately, and it has nothing to do with infertility (surprise!). It's my anonymity as a blogger. I am slowly coming to grips that some people might find me on the web whether I want them to or not. Either that or I need to drop every social networking tool. lol. Check out my latest post on New Jersey Moms Blog )and you'll read what I'm talking about.

Last but not least, next week I should hear something (in the form of a schedule) from the RE on the donor. She has an appointment on Tuesday to get the ball rolling.

That's it from here! Have a great weekend friends!

Hungry like the wolf

Still recovering from the ickies (they took a lot longer to get rid of than I hoped). The good news is we are all now on the path to wellness again.

Speaking of wellness, I am now officially "back on the wagon" with my diet. Being sick gave me a five pound head start, and yesterday I went back to Wei.ght W.atchers. The good news is I gained no weight over the holidays! The bad news is I am still fat. And hungry.

Oh hell, it is what it is I guess. ...Baby steps.

David started his first season of basketball last Sunday. Much like soccer, basketball and 5/6 year-olds are a sight to see in action. Picture a bunch of kids under the basket with hands up in the air and clueless faces. lol. David seems to like it. He does great with shooting, but not so great dribbling. We bought a (real) basketball over the weekend and are working on that. Since I played basketball as a youth, I now finally have the chance to show David my "mad basketball skillz". bwahahaha. If I remember them.

Lastly, an update on the donor cycle. Nothing happened over the holidays due to vacations and merriment. I don't have a schedule yet, but hoping to soon. I got a call from the donor coordinator today, and the donor is still "on" (she has an appt. with the RE on the 27th), and is awaiting a new cycle to start. So, no birth control pills or Lupron yet on the horizon. Suffice to say that nothing interesting will be going on the remainder of this month at least. Not that it matters much, my schedule is pretty open and nothing significant is coming up that will conflict with the plan.

I am happy to be in a place right now of zen.

Concentrating on self-improvement and resting up for what the New Year holds in store.

Uncle Clark, are you sure you ain't Santa Claus?

aaaah, the holidays....

You might remember my post from two years ago (has it been THAT long?) about my favorite Christmas movie, Christmas Vacation.

Last night we fired up the DVD and watched it again for the gazillionth time.

It just never gets old.

The squirrel in the tree. The fried cat. The lime jello mold with cat food accents. The part when Clark has a ladder mishap while installing the "exterior illumination".

Classic.

It brings to mind a magical moment I had as a kid.

Years ago, when we lived in the infamous "blue house" my Dad did a Clark Griswold of his own. One year he decided to climb up on the roof in the middle of the night and do his best interpretation of Santa and his "eight tiny reindeer".

"And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof,
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof."

My Mom woke up my brother and me to the sounds of various gardening equipment tapping on the roof, and my Dad's oh so accurate depiction of Santa getting ready to come down the chimney.

Let me tell you, as a kid it sounded JUST LIKE Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, & Blitzen.

Well, until the HO HO HO's turned into quite a clamor...

you see, my Dad (sorry, SANTA) was just about falling off the roof.

I don't remember my Mom being concerned, but I do remember her giggling. My Dad didn't know it then, but he was channeling Clark Griswold for sure. In fact, I bet if I looked out the wrong window, he would have been hanging upside down, tethered to the roof only by a stubborn gutter and a heavy-duty string of lights wrapped around his ankle.

We had dozens of stories like that when I was a kid. I am sure that the Griswolds were loosely based on my family.

Clark as my Dad, Ellen as my Mom, Rusty as my little brother, and me, Audrey. Come to think of it, we even looked like them.

hmmmmm........

Pic: Warner Bros. Pictures

How much fun can you handle?

Whew! What a holiday weekend. From Turkey Day all the way through Sunday we managed to use every last spare moment of time.

Thanksgiving Day here at home was... exhausting, but fun. This is me and S. after 24 hours of cleaning and cooking...lol

Then we woke up Friday morning and drug out every last box of Christmas decorations. Was I meaning to do that? Hell, no. I was looking to just kick back and relax, but David had other plans. He's the worst supervisor, by the way.

Saturday we got up early and headed to the Please Touch Museum in Philly. It's in a new venue (such a beautiful building).


It had lots of hands-on stuff for the kids, and the adults. My personal favorite was the restored Dickens Village (think Christmas Animatronics set in 1776). The last time I saw the full display was waaay back in the 70's. It was an annual Christmas event at Lit Bros. Department Store in the city.


Oh, and the indoor fully restored carousel... just stunning...


Sunday, we woke up to rain. And fog. And sleet. And more rain. We had tickets for the North Pole Express Train Ride. We met my brother, SIL, and the kids after a 90 minute drive, but it was well worth it.

It was the worst weather day... but you know what? It made for a great day anyway. Lots of rain meant people stayed in. Which meant we had a great time in a place that is normally packed with people.


The rain actually added character to the day. Doesn't it look Christmas-y?

David and my nephews were bowled over when Santa walked onto the train to present them with a Christmas sleigh bell... they looked terrified and elated at the same time.. lol


Afterwards we kicked back in a nearly empty brewpub, had great beer and pretty awesome burgers.

Yeah, it was a pretty cool weekend indeed.

Lastly... a fertility update: In case you all were missing my status posts on the donor egg cycle, well, get ready. Pre-work is complete, and the cash has been procured. Tomorrow is the appointment to delve into the Great Big Book of Donors. More to come...

Soccer Star

So I was feeling creative yesterday, and put together a little movie.

You know what's almost as fun as dragging your nails across a chalkboard?

Watching 4/5 year olds play soccer. Don't believe me? See for yourself...

When Catholic school backfires...

Overheard in the living room Saturday night:

David (as he sits in the recliner): "Daddy can you get those two green trucks on the floor for me?"

Daddy (sitting on the other chair reading a magazine): "You have two feet."

David: "GOD made hands to help other people... Daddy."

Phantastic Halloween

Behold, the S.W.A.T. man...

He looks intimidating, no?

He paraded at school... (that's his 7th grade "buddy" holding his hand... all together... awwwwwwwwww........)

He even had the time to pose in the dugout with the World Series Champions... the Phils!

Ok, that was trick photography...

It was a very bizarre Halloween around here with, oh, like, half the population in Philadelphia crowding the city, hooting, hollering, and drunk off their ass (well, it HAS been 25 years since we won anything).

But no, not us.

We were drunk on Snickers bars and Mummy Dogs. How much better could a day be?

It was so much fun we did it again...

...another day, another hayride.

This time, instead of heat and dust, we got cold and wind. Finally!

Perfect hayride weather. This time, we took "The Boys", the plural name my family uses to refer to my two nephews and David as one group of gaggling 5/6 year olds.

There's just nothing quite as exhilarating as sitting on a bail of hay and breathing in cow dung.

Or, getting lost in a three acre corn maze.

Did I mention the electric fence that has an itty bitty sign that said, "do not touch"?

A fun time was had by all, especially "The Boys"

...wait.... there's four kids here...


That's my kid brother, G. on the end. Well, he's not really a kid anymore at the age of 37.

Yeah, he is.

Heavy

I woke up this morning, put David on the bus and settled in for my work and a large cup of coffee when I came across this post from my blogging friend, Melissa. For those of you not connected to the infertility realm, Mel is one of those people who has a heart of gold and has been a champion for all of us who have fallen into the wrong side of the statistics. There have been times during my own struggle when her blog saved me. This fact I am not exaggerating.

But sometimes those we look up to and commiserate with have their own bad days too.

Her post hit me like a brick.

A very large brick.

Go read it, and come back here.

No really....

I'll wait...

I think the overriding feeling that I took away from her post is that never-ending wish that things weren't so damn hard. That all of our dreams were more easily attainable.

And (yeah, I'm gonna say it)... that life was FAIR to all of us.

I need to spin off of Mel's post on this subject, so bear with me here. Not sure where my thoughts will lead to... but this post and a certain piece of info I learned about yesterday sent me careening off the rails.

It was troubling news that angered me. It propelled me into THAT place. I can't go into any specifics, but someone in my real life is pregnant and has no freaking business being pregnant.

I wish I could give you all the whole story. You'd choke. You'd gasp.

Yeah, it's THAT BAD.

In any event, I spent the remainder of the day thinking... where is the fairness in this? To bring a baby into the world that will need and want and have no provisions available. To be born into a bad situation. No opportunity to thrive. A dysfunctional and potentially dangerous situation.

And all the while here I am. Spending thousands of dollars to get to a dream that is wasted on someone who has no right. Not knowing (ever knowing) that my investment of time, money, and love will produce ANY tangible result.

(Whew, let me breathe for a moment).

Here's the thing...

Infertility has taken away so much from me and my family. It has invaded every last corner of my little world. It has made me less of an outgoing person. It has destroyed my body image. It has made me fearful for my only child (because WHAT IF something were to happen to him!?!). It has drained my emotional resources, and my financial resources.

The perfect life that I envisioned slips away, little by little. Sucking the life out of it.

All the while people are getting married, making plans, deciding on how many kids to have. Having babies, planned and (ooops!) unplanned. Not even THINKING anything could go wrong. They have no idea how quickly their world can be stripped away. No idea.

Until they end up here like us. The misfits.

To end up in a vacuum like so many of us. Where the world exists in a holding pattern. When time moves from cycle to cycle rather than calendar month to month. Where sitting down to dinner at a table that seats 3, 4, 5, or more people makes your heart ache for the empty chairs that have no living children sitting in them.

Knowing that a decision to stop treatment could mean feeling like that forever.

Constantly feeling empty.

This is what keeps me going. I see the future of unfulfilled dreams and I turn and run. I run as if my life depends upon it. Because the alternative is just too hard to think about.

Quoting from Mel: "It's just that you never expect that you're going to be infertile when you're skipping back down the aisle at your wedding, your heart literally traveling out of your chest like a released balloon."... "It is possible, I've heard, that you can change your dream. You can adapt to anything. These are just the growing pains of holding a dream away from your heart and examining it closely. Dreams don't like to be separated from the body; they howl. They cry."

I could not have expressed this better or as eloquent as she.

To carry the burden of infertility and loss is like carrying the universe on your back. It's heavy, dark, and sometimes it seems just too infinite to measure.

Where's my sword?

The Grandparents took David out on a day trip yesterday, and this is what he looked like when hubby and I picked him up:


That's some pretty serious face painting! Notice he is also in-character with his facial expressions. It was pretty darn cute. That is, until the paint made its way onto his hands, his shirt, his shorts.. the walls.... thank goodness it was washable.

All things random...

I found out last week that my hair stylist is moving to Florida. accccckkk! She is a good friend as well. I've known her for nearly 17 years, and it won't be the same without her. Now I have to find a new stylist (I'll probably stay with the same salon), which is a big decision. What to do, what to do.....

I've also been a little silent on something else I've been doing, which is losing weight! So far, I've lost 13 pounds. I figure there are so few things I can CONTROL in my life.. while I've been busy trying to wrap my arms around infertility and adoption I think I found something I can do that is positive and somewhat controllable...

Speaking of infertility... I haven't been talking much about it because I am still in a holding pattern. I need to make a consult appointment with the RE for next steps, but we are not in a rush. Reason being, we have vacation coming up in 4 weeks and I can't do IVF remotely from Hilton Head, SC. lol. So I am taking a little "infertility siesta". I just don't want to think about it right now. I figure we will do the consult before vacation so we can get the insurance and meds out of the way in the meantime. Or whatever we decide to do (or NOT do).

The adoption front.... is moving slow. Truth is we are in a weird spot deciding on an agency. Our country choice (did I mention this before?) is China... but because the waaaiting is draaaawing out so much on a China adoption, we are likely going right to SN (special needs). Still long, but not as insanely long. The question is, go with a China only agency that has a stellar reputation or another agency with other country options? You would think, duh, Shelli go with the latter... but there's some positives and negatives that don't make for an easy answer. So we think and research more and think some more. My goal is to get the wheels moving in the next month.

And lastly, but not leastly (is leastly a word? I think not), I am an Auntie again. My BIL and SIL had a little boy last week. This is my third nephew (first on my husband's side). He is cute as a button. J- I know you are probably far too deep in diapers and doctor appointments to read my blog, but a hearty congratulations (again) to you and C.

The Happy Wanderer

David has turned over a new an unexpected leaf. Surely we couldn't count on him to be the perfect little man 24/7.

The fact is, he's 4 going on 5 in a few weeks and starting to really push the boundaries of the parent/child relationship.

Exhibit 1 (Home Improvement Store)
After David test drove all of the John Deere riding tractors on display (and repeated attempts to remove him from said tractors and lectures on how he needs to put on his "listening ears" and actually LISTEN to Mommy and Daddy) he started the hiding game. Hiding meaning ducking into the shelves in the aisles and pretending he has disappeared. He thought it was a riot running ahead of us and hiding. That was until we ducked to the side and his head popped out and he didn't see us. Of course the game was over at that point. Wide eyed he looked around, and when WE popped into view he laughed.

OK, lesson not learned.

S. stomped out of the store in a fit. Mad that David wouldn't listen. Wait, who's the adult here anyway?


Exhibit 2 (Children's Clothing Store)
We needed to but the growing boy some tank tops for our upcoming vacation next month, so we entered the store at the "witching hour". In other words, naptime. Upon opening the door, we heard the store blasting loud music (shopping ambiance???) and David decided to break out into his finest dance moves in the middle of the Boys 4-12 section.

Customers thought he was cute, but S. was further annoyed. Especially since David shimmied and shaked his booty to the adjoining Girls section, out of view.

I have to admit, I couldn't keep a straight face. By this point watching him dance made me laugh. And it's hard to say "David GET OVER HERE, STAY WITH MOMMY AND DADDY!" while giggling. S. was still annoyed. Very annoyed and despite hushed conversation in the corner of the store, David still was hyped up. And Daddy had enough.


We ended the day with David falling asleep during dinner at home, and not waking up until this morning.

I think he wore himself out.

Shortly after, S. dropped into bed and was asleep before I even got into bed. Looks like Daddy wore himself out too.

Parenting... fun, eh?

So cute yet so devilish.

A confession

You probably have realized that I've been absent a bit.... not posting as I normally do, lurking, commenting on others blogs. And I'm not ignoring you (or going away for that matter, heavens, no...)

Last month, you might have remembered a post where I talked about figuring out where to go from here... infertility-wise.

After a ton of soul-searching, we are pretty close to making some life-changing decisions.

I've realized something very important, or should I say "we" in that my husband is totally on-board with this too...

We don't need another biological child to make our family whole. That being said, we agree on one big thing... being a family of three isn't the end for us. Someone is still missing.

I've pretty much abandoned the idea of traipsing the U.S. looking for a new RE that can pinpoint the cause of my recurrent pregnancy loss. Sure, if I were wealthy, and had all the time in the world I might spend thousands of dollars to find "a reason", but a reason does not necessarily equal a baby. And the most magical RE in the world can't promise a baby.

After 5 miscarriages... let's be honest... I am starting to bet against myself. Realistically, the chances of us having another pregnancy that works is pretty low.

I think our plan now with the RE is perhaps try one IVF (perhaps w/ PGD) for shits and giggles in June. If it doesn't work, I can still pay the medical bills and call it a day.

MY BODY won't be the focus anymore. I don't want it to be. I have been on this road for three years and frankly, I am done. I know people who can ride the Infertility Rollercoaster for years upon years, but I know in my heart that I can't do it anymore. This has ruled my life, my every moment. And it's a freaking crime.

I want my life back, and by this summer I will.

So, the big news I guess... we are 99.9% ready to roll on adoption. As you know, I've been researching for a month now, and we are very close to choosing an agency. We decided to pursue international adoption.... Domestic is too much of a gamble and even that isn't a "sure-thing". We are tired of gambling money and emotions, and are quite fine with having to wait awhile, so long as there is a child at the end of the road.

We are considering the "waiting child" program... for those of you not familiar with what that is... it's the program all agencies offer that includes children with mild to moderate special needs.

The goal is to complete our family, and I am starting to feel very confident that this is the path we are meant to take.

Remember when I talked about wishing someone would "send a sign" to let us know we are making the right decision?

Well, the signs have been coming fast and furious... and I can't ignore them.