Kismet

I had a random conversation with an acquaintance recently, someone that I know to talk about general "stuff" but not ever connected on a personal level. Actually, two people but I need to explain each in its own context.

I somehow knew this person and I would see eye to eye. Kind of that "feeling" that there is more under the surface. I've become very guarded in my conversations lately, I don't know how to explain except to say that I have found a peacefulness in quiet. Maybe reflective is a better word.  What's different for me is I've spent a lot more time listening than talking to family, friends, and strangers.

So it was an odd occurrence when this person asked me, simply, "you look deep in thought, how are things?" And the conversation ebbed and flowed right to the heart. Somehow in 10 minutes we went from talking about our sons to infertility to adoption. She is me. Her life story is a reflection of shared pain and relief.  Forty minutes of talking to someone who not only "gets it" but sees (outside of the job related stress) the part of me that no one notices. She saw through the hardship and saw peace.

How cool is that??

Ironically, acquaintance number two was a mom I met at a sports practice. We sat next to each other watching our sons and started to chit chat. Her son ran over to sip a bottle of Gatorade and I immediately noticed he looked much different from her. I must have smiled a certain way, because as our two boys ran back to the field, she turned and gave the knowing look. For those in the ALI community you get it too... she knew. "Are you an adoptive Mom?"

The answer, "well, not yet..." .. and the conversation ensued.  I smiled driving home the two miles from there to here.

There is goodness in quiet.

And I am thankful that the universe knows it too.

Worst kept secret!

I have a secret.

The worst-kept secret in the world.Many of you already know, but for reasons I can't quite explain... I just couldn't write the words here until today. I could in other places, but just not HERE.

Argh.

Let me cut to the chase...

If your remember, this time last year S. and I were in research mode for domestic adoption. Well, we managed to examine every recess of every local agency last Spring, and by June of 2010 we had an agency, a wonderful case worker, and about a billion items added to our to-do list. As of October, 2010 our homestudy was complete and we were officially granted "waiting" status.

Yes. We are pre-adoptive parents.

So, back to the disclosure part. This is not a secret, of course, but knowing there were so many readers (cyber and IRL), I didn't want to divulge because not everyone in our real-lives knew of our plans. It's much like that weird space in the fertile world for infertiles. Those who have experienced the challenges of infertility wouldn't dare announce a pregnancy prior to the 4th month.  Go ahead and chuckle, because we ALL know exceptions exist (how many of you can write a book on that? raise your hand!) but bear with me on that thought.

Bygones.

...that's sort of where my head is on this. The last thing I wanted was someone in real-life carrying the message to random people in our circle, and those people telling friends, and so on. We are excited about it, and so is David. We are equally as petrified. Walking that line has proved daunting, so there was an odd comfort in knowing that we had this big secret that wasn't public knowledge yet.

And, to be honest. I was very nervous to write this here. I've struggled so much in having "hope" in my life again, and this blog had become a diary of failure. Some days, I couldn't bear to look at the archives staring at me on my front page. Years and years of dashed dreams. What if I added to that sorrow? Adoption is also a risk, and not every story ends the same. What if I fail again??

I decided that this new chapter in our lives, completing our family and taking steps toward our dream doesn't have to be pushed to the back burner because of my own fears.

At the same time, this place won't morph exclusively into an adoption-themed blog. Sure, I may post something now and again, but I have other outlets for my writing on this topic. This place will remain the story of my family.

Having said all of this, I also came to the realization that there was just no downside to spilling the beans.  It became a ridiculously silly hang-up on my part.  I am just darn tired of living in the shadows, and you all, as my support, need to know.

So there you go.

A new chapter already begun, and lots of memories to come.

I promise not to hold out on you any longer.

Pinky swear.

Mixed Bag-Momma

My flowers... are beautiful in the backyard this year.

I had a dream last night that I was in my old fertility clinic. I rushed there after a call from my doctor, who exclaimed that I needed to come see a friend and her newborn. When I got there, I was handed a dark-haired baby with porcelain skin and blue eyes. Her Mom's name was Trish (not anyone I've ever seen), and she wanted to give me her baby. The feeling I had.... was so real I woke up and started at the ceiling with tears in my eyes.

What a way to start the day. Good thing I am visiting Dr. Anne tomorrow.

So, we've been busy around our house lately. Enrolled the boy in Karate last week. Or shall I say, "mixed martial arts" because "The Master" said it was, and who am I to argue against a black belt? heh. Anyway, we chose this activity very carefully. Long story short (and for another post) David's school recommended Karate to help David with his shyness/anxiety. We sat with him and just watched a few classes last week, then David started participating this week. After a rocky first 10 minutes, he was smiling and taking direction like he had been there for months. Way to go, my boy! Very pleased with the instructor so far. His values are on point with what we teach David at home, and if anything I hope that David starts to build his confidence and gets in some physical activity. We'll see how it goes.

Another milestone this weekend, David "graduated" in the world of cub scouts. He was a Tiger Scout until Sunday... now a Wolf Scout. He just loves scouts. I am dreading the end of August, however. He will be in karate, starting soccer season, AND a new year of scouts. I don't know how those of you with many kids manage all that scheduling. We may need to evaluate and adjust in the Fall.

And, me? I am hanging in. Started to walk on a regular basis again which is helping with the cobwebs on my soul. A lot inward thinking going on.

And I want an iPad. Any of you guys have one yet? Do you like it? Advantages/disadvantages? Is it pretty much like my iPad Touch, just bigger?

1. Don't make lists

Stuck.

I feel like I am running on a treadmill with the steepest incline and getting nowhere. And the effort isn't even shrinking my ass. Talk about useless!

Every time I sit down to write this month, my eye wanders to a to-do list that gets longer and longer. I'm not sure what's gotten into me. I'm all about lists and completing them. Or I used to be. Nowadays I scan the list and become so overwhelmed I shove said list under a book and sit staring into space with no purpose.

ARGH! It's so frustrating.

I have four doctors appointments I need to schedule, and that's just for me. Somehow, I manage to get S. and David squared away with doctor visits, just not my own.

Summer... is a hot topic for me. No pun intended. I decided to NOT enroll David in a summer day camp program this year. He's had a bit of a rough year with school, so we decided to enroll him in a reading clinic at a local university. It's just an hour and a half in the AM for five weeks. Challenging for my work schedule as it's hard for me to just drop offline in the middle of the morning and be M.I.A. for a few hours. And you might be wondering how on earth I plan to work for the rest of the days... I am envisioning my laptop on the patio and buying dozens of outdoor games for David to occupy his time in the backyard. This summer I will be the Mom with the laptop and cellphone trying to juggle two months of a flying-by-the-seat-of-my-pants schedule. I don't want the boy sitting idle, summer should be about FUN after all, so I am a little nervous how I am going to swing it.

Adoption topic... is still a work in process. I am still investigating, interviewing with a few local agencies. We know for sure that our sights are set on a domestic adoption. At least we narrowed that down.  I have another appointment this month with an agency recommended to me. My stress and fear level goes through the roof when I think about this topic. Fodder for another post, because frankly.... it's too emotional to just pay lip service in this post.  So you must wait for news on that.

S.'s job... still up in the air. S-T-R-E-S-S-F-U-L. He has one, at least for another 30 days. By the end of summer we could be up the creek. I am being supportive for now. Big changes are coming whether we like it or not. We just don't know how it will flush out... yet.

Meanwhile, the house is in disarray. After 10 years in this house, we are forced to start upgrading all the builders-grade crap this house came with. And some.  Things are starting to fall apart, and we've been spending a lot of time at our local home improvement center. Some of the projects were willingly started by us, like the new front door we have on order (the current one is so warped I can see outside from the INSIDE!). Other projects are the result of things just breaking- the air conditioner, attic fan, bathroom fixtures. Oh, and a bundle of cash dropped last month for termite treatment. Yes, new houses can get termites. Think of me when you see the Termin.ix commercial with the bugs knocking on the door.  Hopefully, they won't come for YOU.  heh.

Fortunately, not a penny has been spent this year on infertility treatments. I am going to take that as a blessing that instead of trying to fix a broken ME, we are fixing a broken house instead.

At least that money is well spent.

Inside Out

I recently attended a local adoption seminar at an agency. I hesitate to write about it, because my reaction to it was unexpected.

I sort of walked into it with the task of obtaining information on domestic adoption. Get in, and get out. I am the sort of person that needs to chew on an idea after I've gathered initial information. So the surprise was on me, THIS information session was out of my comfort zone.

When S. and I got there, we sat in a small room with about 6 other couples. I sat with an inch thick folder on my lap which I procured on the way in. I watched the clock. The meeting started late. The social worker, a really nice person, gave her speech which sort of went off the beaten path a hundred times over... that was okay... but of course there's always the guest who monopolizes the conversation.

I started to get annoyed. The business person in me is thinking, "this is an information session, not a personal one on one interview". Give the necessary info to the crowd, and leave it up to the individuals to stay and ask questions.

I started to zone out, and fidget. And after an hour had passed, they brought in a lovely couple with their newborn baby to share their own journey. I listened to their story, and as I did I scanned the room and noticed that the other women were almost in tears. I was not. I was detached. I wanted to escape.

Again, I found myself in a place that was unfamiliar. Almost like we did not belong. We seemed to be the oldest in the room. We were the only couple that had a child at home. The other couples looked like Barbie and Ken clones. All I could envision in that moment was disappointment. 

It had nothing to do with the topic at hand... I was very much interested in it. I just felt like I didn't belong there, like there was a spotlight above our head. The odd couple out.

I also had little interest in dwelling on the obvious emotion that was hanging in the room. It felt cheap.  Unnecessary.  It was just too much. I didn't come there to be sucked into the vortex they attempted to create.

At the two hour mark I stood up, excused myself nicely and S. and I left. It was a quiet drive home.

I'm not even sure where that all came from that night. The agency seemed great. The employees seemed nice. I came home with more information than I could ever ask for.

I just feel weird about it. Unsettled.

This path is proving to be more than I bargained for.

Solitary

solitary: 1sol·i·tary
Pronunciation: \ˈsä-lə-ˌter-ē\
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English, solitarie, from Anglo-French, from Latin solitarius, from solitas aloneness, from solus alone
Date: 14th century


1 a : being, living, or going alone or without companions b : saddened by isolation

Last night I had a very weird dream. I don't remember much about it in its entirety, but what I do remember is waking up and feeling like I solved a great mystery of life.

In this dream, somehow I ended up sitting at a round table with about 10 people whose faces I did not recognize. We were talking about fears. I didn't feel scared, but rather... melancholy. Someone commented from the other side of the table that their worst fear is death.

My response was immediate, almost as if the words were just falling out of my mouth without my lips moving...

"I am less fearful of death, and most fearful of being alone."

It was nano-seconds later that I woke up, with those words still hovering in my head as if I said them aloud in the waking world.

I thought about it in the shower and and it was perfectly clear that as much as I would not like it to be so, it is my primary motivation in life.

It is the reason for everything.

As independent as I've led my life, I've let that fear mow me over in recent years. But when I look back to the choices I've made thus far, it's been the driving undercurrent all along...

...how could I have not realized that?

This therapy adventure has certainly opened my mind in ways I had forgotten about, or didn't have the key.

Specific to infertility, I am realizing that my want to complete my family has a lot to do with this one specific fear. The motivation has little to do with "kicking infertility's ass" and more to do with surrounding myself with people I can count on. People that my son can count on that will still be here 30-40 years from now. Let's face it, when I get old and if S. isn't here, I do not want David to be alone. I don't want him to have that burden.

I may be projecting my fear needlessly onto him, but it's something I think about more often than I should. This is probably the only reason I haven't truly given up. And if I am being honest with myself, I will never be able to move on until I feel comfortable that David has a sibling. Someone who can't easily walk away, uninvesting themselves when it is convenient.

I envy those that can and have made the active decision to push family-building to the back burner and move on. I've wondered if it is possible for me.

My therapist says I can do that if I wish, but it will take time.
I definitely can envision a life without cycling. I am 99% sure that I do not ever want to walk into a fertility clinic again. 

I am 100% sure that there is a child waiting for me, if I put myself out there.

It is very surreal to me, to know that before I had David, I always had this invisible attraction to adoption. I didn't even know my "fertilty" status at the time, but I had always envisioned something extraordinary for my family. Perhaps I should have listened to my heart many, many years ago.

We are in research mode. No timeline, no stress. We will walk wherever the paths leads.

Close, but no cigar...

I've been thinking about my miscarriages.

Well, the loss is always on my mind... but I am thinking lately from a different perspective. I've come to the conclusion that the drive to keep going is due, in part, of almost succeeding.

Think about this. If you play the lottery, and you spend $10 on one of those mega jackpots and LOSE, it's easy to just walk away thinking "maybe next time". You might play every week, but the money lost is secondary.

So, continuing with this analogy... what if you were a finalist in a huge giveaway, and you had a 1 in 4 chance of winning the jackpot. And then maybe the pool is whittled down to JUST you and someone else. You have a 50% chance of winning.

And you lose.

Does it hurt more than that 1:1,000,000 chance? Yeah, it does.

To come SO CLOSE and lose? It's a blow to the psyche.

Now, think of yourself having those great odds in the second scenario, and picture yourself losing five times in a row.

It's no wonder I'm screwed up.

I mentioned that S. and I are weighing options. Well, truth be told we had maybe two conversations about it and then decided to wait until after the holiday to get down to business. I am damn tired of of all this ruining the last 4 Christmases. Sick of it.

In fact, I was scheduled to have the follow-up appointment with the RE today from my failed FET. I rescheduled to next week simply because I don't want to talk about it today. Nurse T basically told me that my insanely poor thaw was a first for their clinic. That my bad luck was a random occurance that never happened before IN THE HISTORY OF THE CLINIC. I decided to make the consult with Dr. Nerd and lay it out on the line. Just not today.

Drilling it down:

Another Donor Cycle
We are all cash now. No insurance. If I am crazy enough to lay down a wad of cash, I'm going to do it at a better clinic. I've done some inital research, and am pondering a couple clinics within driving distance from Jersey. One intriguing option exists at Shady Grov.e in the DC area. If you cycled there (especially if you did the Donor program) I want to hear from you. Likewise, if you cycled at IVF.NJ.

Adoption
This is not an alternative to Option #1, in fact, we are leaning heavily this way at the moment. I researched the hell out of the International route about a year ago, and let's face it... there's nothing going on there. Even for the countries we qualify for, the wait is excruciatingly LONG.    I can't do that.

Domestic adoption is something we never really explored in-depth, but we intend to dive in. There are some local agencies I've heard good things about... but if you have a recommedation... PLEASE e-mail me!

Embryo Adoption
This is the least costly of the options, but considering my last disaster of an FET, I am not hyped up about this at all. Too much legal crap and money for a low odds of it working.
__________

Of course- our last path is stopping treatment, halting the bleeding out of money, and hanging up our hat. It is reality now, and as much as I wish it wasn't... it may be our final decision to escape the infertility hamster wheel for good.

So much to ponder...  so much.

Got any lottery tickets??

All things random...

I found out last week that my hair stylist is moving to Florida. accccckkk! She is a good friend as well. I've known her for nearly 17 years, and it won't be the same without her. Now I have to find a new stylist (I'll probably stay with the same salon), which is a big decision. What to do, what to do.....

I've also been a little silent on something else I've been doing, which is losing weight! So far, I've lost 13 pounds. I figure there are so few things I can CONTROL in my life.. while I've been busy trying to wrap my arms around infertility and adoption I think I found something I can do that is positive and somewhat controllable...

Speaking of infertility... I haven't been talking much about it because I am still in a holding pattern. I need to make a consult appointment with the RE for next steps, but we are not in a rush. Reason being, we have vacation coming up in 4 weeks and I can't do IVF remotely from Hilton Head, SC. lol. So I am taking a little "infertility siesta". I just don't want to think about it right now. I figure we will do the consult before vacation so we can get the insurance and meds out of the way in the meantime. Or whatever we decide to do (or NOT do).

The adoption front.... is moving slow. Truth is we are in a weird spot deciding on an agency. Our country choice (did I mention this before?) is China... but because the waaaiting is draaaawing out so much on a China adoption, we are likely going right to SN (special needs). Still long, but not as insanely long. The question is, go with a China only agency that has a stellar reputation or another agency with other country options? You would think, duh, Shelli go with the latter... but there's some positives and negatives that don't make for an easy answer. So we think and research more and think some more. My goal is to get the wheels moving in the next month.

And lastly, but not leastly (is leastly a word? I think not), I am an Auntie again. My BIL and SIL had a little boy last week. This is my third nephew (first on my husband's side). He is cute as a button. J- I know you are probably far too deep in diapers and doctor appointments to read my blog, but a hearty congratulations (again) to you and C.

A confession

You probably have realized that I've been absent a bit.... not posting as I normally do, lurking, commenting on others blogs. And I'm not ignoring you (or going away for that matter, heavens, no...)

Last month, you might have remembered a post where I talked about figuring out where to go from here... infertility-wise.

After a ton of soul-searching, we are pretty close to making some life-changing decisions.

I've realized something very important, or should I say "we" in that my husband is totally on-board with this too...

We don't need another biological child to make our family whole. That being said, we agree on one big thing... being a family of three isn't the end for us. Someone is still missing.

I've pretty much abandoned the idea of traipsing the U.S. looking for a new RE that can pinpoint the cause of my recurrent pregnancy loss. Sure, if I were wealthy, and had all the time in the world I might spend thousands of dollars to find "a reason", but a reason does not necessarily equal a baby. And the most magical RE in the world can't promise a baby.

After 5 miscarriages... let's be honest... I am starting to bet against myself. Realistically, the chances of us having another pregnancy that works is pretty low.

I think our plan now with the RE is perhaps try one IVF (perhaps w/ PGD) for shits and giggles in June. If it doesn't work, I can still pay the medical bills and call it a day.

MY BODY won't be the focus anymore. I don't want it to be. I have been on this road for three years and frankly, I am done. I know people who can ride the Infertility Rollercoaster for years upon years, but I know in my heart that I can't do it anymore. This has ruled my life, my every moment. And it's a freaking crime.

I want my life back, and by this summer I will.

So, the big news I guess... we are 99.9% ready to roll on adoption. As you know, I've been researching for a month now, and we are very close to choosing an agency. We decided to pursue international adoption.... Domestic is too much of a gamble and even that isn't a "sure-thing". We are tired of gambling money and emotions, and are quite fine with having to wait awhile, so long as there is a child at the end of the road.

We are considering the "waiting child" program... for those of you not familiar with what that is... it's the program all agencies offer that includes children with mild to moderate special needs.

The goal is to complete our family, and I am starting to feel very confident that this is the path we are meant to take.

Remember when I talked about wishing someone would "send a sign" to let us know we are making the right decision?

Well, the signs have been coming fast and furious... and I can't ignore them.