Corporate Retirement

Today is my last day.

Many of you already know, but this is the day the world knows. Nearly 20 years with the same company in the same industry immersed in the land of software technology and fast-paced-blink-and-you-miss-it business. That's my favorite logo up there (not in use for quite a long time since acquisition), as I always thought of myself as yellow, then b.i.g blue. Always yellow.

Today I give up my company-owned laptop (truthfully, I wanted to chuck it though the window but policy dictates that I transfer it in a .... ummmm...more "civil" manner).

This was my identity.

Until today, that is.

For the next ten days I am unemployed, and in May I start a new career in the family business. Less stress, less long days and hopefully more time to dedicate to myself and my family.

Looking back, I nearly could vomit when I think about the rollercoaster which was my career here. So many twists, turns, and drops. So many opportunities to morph into a raging bitch (heh), but thankfully I leave the same way I started on my first day in 1992...

...just me... older, wiser, way more computer literate, integrity intact! and armed with a kick-ass Coach bag.

Here's to the memories and friends I've made along the journey. What a strange and precious journey it's been.

Salut.

And I Thought Infertility was Bad

How I wish I was here to write about how great life has been lately, and how much I am looking forward to waking up each day with a smile on my face. A post to talk about all the exciting things I've been doing over the last month.

This will NOT be one of those posts.

You have been warned. This will be one of the few times I have ever whined on this blog (outside of talking about infertility).

proceed with caution...

So, immediately after we returned from our idyllic vacation S. got notice his work was officially dunzo.  Great timing indeed.

Now, if you are a reader over the last year... we knew this was coming. Sort of. It didn't happen quite in the way we expected. He's now in a new job that requires him to be away from home 13+ hours each day. And, NO, that doesn't mean a shortened work week. And, yes, we will take a big financial hit. I would love to tell you the details, but out of respect for his privacy, let's just say we are in deep doo-doo. In body and spirit.

I am acting like a petulant toddler, in that, I now basically am "single-mommying" it with the little guy. Which wouldn't be so bad if I WASN'T WORKING my own FT job. And, by full-time I mean more than 60 hours a week.

That, while juggling David's schedule too. Homework, soccer, karate. No more family dinners, and what breaks my heart the most? S. gets to spend about 45 minutes a day with David.

That's it.

Last night we had one of those back to school meetings scheduled for 7pm.  When S. called me from the car at 6:45pm I knew it wouldn't be good news. He was stuck in traffic, and would be late to the event.

My mind quickly went into overdrive, and within nano-seconds I was in full-blown tears, my carefully-applied make-up sliding down my face. Five minutes before I had to leave.

(Thank you Twitter friends for rescuing me last night).

Listen, I know a job is a job. And I know that many people do not have a job. But when I tell you I am THISCLOSE to wanting S. to walk out I am not kidding. He could take a lesser job and make money and be happy. He could be on unemployment. Even extreme circumstances sound good right now.

I can't believe this is where my head is at right now.

I don't even want to get into what I am feeling about my own job. I literally could just sob right into my keyboard and short out my laptop motherboard.

We were spoiled all these years. Now with employment taking the #1 place as the Top Source of Stress in the BagMomma House, I am wistful of the days of just wondering if I'd flunk another cycle around the secondary infertility wheel.

It BLOWS.

Weeds

I hate the fact that lately I haven't had much to say lately that was positive. If you all knew me IRL you would know that I am (mostly) a glass half-full kind of girl. Sure, you can beat me down with a stick, but I am like that dandelion that keeps coming back on your almost weed-free lawn.  Resilient.

I am requesting another job within the company I work for (it's pretty much a done deal, just waiting for the final word). I've decided that this is not necessarily a bad thing. Part of my problem at work is the company itself (could go on for hours on this topic), and some of the people as well have driven me to the point of insanity. It does not, however, extinguish my personal flame for wanting to succeed in something I am good at. The fact is, I want to work. Work replenishes me when the chips are down (and they have, haven't they?). I need to work. And maybe a change of scenery would be a welcome change. My ultimate goal is to do something I like, and I have a crazy grand plan in my head. I am pondering a complete career shift. Too early to talk about yet-  still kicking out the cobwebs and figuring out the financials.

Secondly. You all know I HATE starting drama. I just don't do it as a rule. I have enough infertility drama to span a lifetime, so I am never one to pick a fight.

But I am pissed OFF at a fellow infertilty blogger. It was a few posts that set me off into the deep end. I was offended. Twice. I considered commenting, but then I remembered the golden rule... "If you can't say anything nice about someone, don't say anything at all." No, I am not linking or divulging here in this post. It's childish. But I will tell you I promptly removed this person from my reader.

The thing about blogs... they are so personal. Many of us open our lives to complete strangers in the hope that we find a common bond, a kinship with another who has walked our path. So coming into contact with someone that beats down their own kind? Disrespectful.

The Career Path

Can you trace back a major life decision to a specific point and time?

When it comes to my career, I can. I like to think that it chose me.

I recently uncovered a crumpled up piece of paper in my desk while I was cleaning last week. It was the original Help Wanted ad from my local newspaper dated Dec 18th, 1992.

"Wanted: Sales assistant for innovative software company in PA/NJ area. Must have some computer knowledge and a strong will to succeed in a fast-paced industry. Call J. @ xxx-xxx-xxxx."

Simple and somewhat intriguing. So I called J., a sweet Southerner from Georgia who agreed to meet me for an interview. We met the week after the New Year, and she offered me the job on the spot. I confessed that my computer knowledge was limited (EVERYONE's was in 1992), but she said she had a good feeling about me.

And so I entered the corporate world on that day. With only my bachelor's degree and a two-years post graduate work history that included retail and a stint at my Dad's construction company. What she saw in me, I have no idea.

My first day, I was assigned a HUGE desktop computer and a cube to sit in. I had never seen the Windows Operating System in my life, in fact, the only time I touched a real computer was in college to print out assignments (and it was JUST a Word Processing machine). And a little bit of dabbling in MS-DOS. That was college in 1986-1990.

In 1992, the Internet was still a foreign concept. Few companies were using e-mail systems, and the company I worked for had only one competitor. But we were good, we were the "Google" of the time. Our competitor hated us because our e-mail and desktop software was infinitely better. And in the early 90's companies were banging down our doors for software and services. Our door.

That translated to profit. A lot. And one of the perks of my job was I also served as the person who set up team meetings and conferences. I had no budget. I traveled everywhere with my team. Exclusive hotels, spas, locations. Dinners at exclusive restaurants. It was an embarrassment of riches, and even though my paycheck was minuscule compared to the sales folks, I got to ride the wave with them. I got Tiffany jewelry and clocks for awards. I met celebrities. I saw and did more in those years than I would ever in my life.

In my twenties, no less... heaven.

Then, in the mid-90's we were acquired by a conservative technology company. We kicked and screamed for years until they finally completed the acquisition. Some of my co-workers jumped ship to start their own companies, some of us hung on. Some failed in their start-ups, some came back. Some retired. Software sales was a dog-eat-dog world, and the mantra was work hard, play hard... 24/7.

It was exciting to be a participant in the revolution of the Internet, Messaging, and Collaboration. I went from a naive young girl with no computer experience to an expert... trained in the trenches with my teammates.

As time went on, the climate changed. The perks went away. The travel went away. I lost my job no less than 3 times, and was lucky enough to find another position within the company each time.

17 years later, I am still hanging on.

And I can't believe that this all started from a 5-line Help Wanted ad.

And J., who saw that light in me and took a chance on a young and inexperienced girl with no career direction.

What decisions have you made that permanently altered your life's path?

One foot in front of the other

You never will get where you’re going
If you never get up on your feet
Come on, there’s a good tail wind blowing
A fast walking man is hard to beat
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking cross the floor
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking out the door
If you want to change your direction
If your time of life is at hand
Well don’t be the rule be the exception
A good way to start is to stand

David has been obsessed with Christmas television shows. The lyrics above, from the 1970 classic "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" (by Jules Bass). I adored this as a kid, and still do. And this song is one of my favorites... I can hear Fred Astaire singing right now.

What a simple message.

One foot in front of the other. And soon you'll be walking out the door.

Perfection in so many ways, eh?

So yeah, I didn't mean to scare you guys with my freak-out post yesterday (thank you for your supportive comments!), but it is what it is I guess. S. is in limbo with his employment, and well, that situation may either change drastically (if he's laid off soon), or improve (the job fairy finds him a suitable place to land).

On the other side of the coin, my employment (forever up in the air, as it has been for 15 years) is once again on the skids. The goal: find another job within the company that provides safe-haven (in other words, gets me thru 2009 without getting a pink slip). The technology environment is always so cyclical, and I've been laid off twice before (and found a job in-house), so this is no new news really. Just a harbinger of things to come. A situation that I DO NOT NEED when my husband's position is in jeopardy.

The good news is we've already been cutting back on expenses. The intent was to lighten the load for the donor cycle expenses, but it appears we had good timing to at least get our debt in order the last three months.

We need to re-examine our lifestyle and seriously crank back MORE just in case. And, no the donor cycle is still in play. And, yes, David will indeed have a great Christmas. Just less stuff.

Burgermeister Meisterburger is not going to rain on my parade.

Cancelling Christmas

Well, it's going to be a very back-to-basics holiday season around here. Without going into too much detail, suffice to say that 2009 will bring a change of pace economically for my family.

Check out my latest post at New Jersey Moms Blog for part of the story...

The rest of the story is, well, crappy also. More to come when I'm not stressing out.

Only a fool tests the depth of the water with both feet

My blog was ready to self destruct this morning. I think I got a little too confident that I could rule HTML, and who am I kidding? I may be in the technology business, but I have no right to be arms length from my blog template. After cursing at my computer to hell and back, I think I fixed my wrongdoings.

So, sorry if you arrived at BagMomma.net to find, well, nothing for a short-time. I apologize for being a complete loser. By the way, if you know someone who designs blog templates, let me know. I am feeling like I need a blog makeover.

That being said, there will be no American Idol review today. I know, I know... Mariah Carey makes for such good blog fodder, but I am neck deep in my work today with a deadline.

What I will say is I was blown over by David Cook. Not even considering the sympathy vote (although I did tear up when they showed his brother in the audience). And, I've decided that should I ever consider hair extensions, I want Brooke's hair. That blonde, tousled look is something I could never get my hair to do in a million years.

And how BIG was her hair?

"Jacked up to Jesus!" ...one of my favorite lines about big hair, from the former big hair queen herself, Reba McEntire.

Amen.

When you say "stop the world I want to get off!!" and it HAPPENS...

Could it be a bright spot in the horizon I see?

Certainly not in the fertility area. In fact, I am feeling a bit bruised at the fact that I just sent my RE a very LARGE check for my last two (failed...sigh) cycles. Oh, how it hurt to write so many digits on a check with nothing to show for it.

I did make a final decision on David's school for Kindergarten. It's not the school I toured (and registered for) last week. It was my last visit to the last private school on my list. And to my surprise it was the BEST school. Expensive (what isn't?) but was exactly what I was looking for in a school. And I think it meets David's needs perfectly. I met with the teacher this morning after an initial tour on Saturday, and just loved it.

If you are wondering what we will do if the "catholic school" calls us back from the waiting list... well, it's a no brainer. It's a $5k difference in tuition, and I am not stupid.

So, my mind is at least at ease that we finally have a plan. Check that off my list!!

In work news, I found out that essentially I am taking a large paycut for 2008. Isn't that just fabulous. It wasn't good enough for hubby to get a 5-digit paycut this year. Now I am in the same boat. Oh, it will be slim pickin's at the BagMomma house this year. Financial lockdown.

Oh, the bright spot. I'm getting there....

Yes, firming up the education plans was nice, but I'm not giving it full credit because of the money thing...

The bright spot for me today is the extra four weeks vacation I just was granted in addition to the four weeks I already get.

How? It's called a sabbatical, baby.

You see, I was part of a very large software company acquisition in 1995. And, part of what was grandfathered into my new company was a little thing called a sabbatical.

A sabbatical was a four-week PAID vacation. You have to take all four weeks at once. I got my first one in my 5th year of employment. And because the hostile takeover occurred during that time I was grandfathered a second and final sabbatical at 15 years of employment. Of course, I filed that thought under the "I won't be at this job for 15 years so who freakin cares" folder.

But guess what? Last month marked my 15th year. And how shit-faced happy was I last week when I called HR to see if my sabbatical was still valid after all those years.

AND IT WAS.

I get one whole month to be a stay at home Mom this summer. And I still get my other four weeks of vacation to take whenever I want this year. I can even tack on to the end of the sabbatical.

Hot damn. I get to disappear from the matrix for a whole month. I'm thinking of doing it late August and September.

I can't wait.

One month off to cook, clean, organize, be home for my son after school, volunteer, take deep breaths, count my blessings, and file my nails.

So who cares if we just took a financial beating this week. I got something even more valuable than money........

TIME

Random Thoughts

U/S and blood draw was this morning, and I'm down to just two lead follies (one on each side..... a little less exciting than last cycle) 16x15 and 15x15. Another check on Friday, and possible IUI Saturday or Monday.

Did you watch American Idol last night? It was my hometown (Philly) night, and I am now convinced that I live in the land of crazies and crack whores. Most of the people that got through to the next round weren't even from Philadelphia. Am I going to do another season of weekly AI posts here when the finals start? Hmmmmmm... I don't know, I'll have to see if the mood strikes me.

Work.... has been heinous. I am working myself into the ground, all while surfing job postings. I've decided I need a change.

I started walking two weeks ago as a means to get healthier and lose weight while I am in infertility hell. Yesterday, I almost had a heart attack when a neighbors dog (tied to a tree... don't get me started) lunged at me as I walked by and almost cracked its neck. That's the second time in two weeks that I had a dog incident. Now I know why people use treadmills. It's not always safe on the mean streets of the Jersey suburbs.

It's 3 weeks to my 40th birthday (Feb. 2nd). Sigh.

Monday, Monday

Every other day, every other day
Every other day of the week is fine, yeah
But whenever Monday comes, but whenever Monday comes
A-you can find me cryin' all of the time

I'm feeling a little on the yuck side today. No, I'm not sick (at least I hope I'm not getting sick). I'm just feeling.... I don't know... that kind of BLAH. Where nothing is very colorful, and nothing is exciting or even interesting.

Even my coffee doesn't taste good today. That's really a travesty!

I'm avoiding work today. It's a mixture of just being a little burnt out lately, and the fact that it dawned on me that I may have to make a very important decision as to where my career is going in the next month. You see, January is "clean-up" month around my organization. We do yearly reviews, wrap up projects, talk about the coming year directions, and we have the "career" discussions.

So my boss fills me in on some changes coming down the road and offers me a slightly different direction (based on a huge acquisition coming on). After which I can hear the clock ticking down. The decision clock.

I am in SUCH A QUANDARY.

I can either stay in the general area/job role I'm currently in -OR- leave the organization and go to a new division/new job.

As you know, I knew this decision was coming. I was dreading it. Because as you might imagine, my infertile status has pretty much driven my career over the last two years... playing the "what-if" game. What if I am, what if I'm not. What if I have to travel more? What if a new manager doesn't like the fact that I am pursing an important personal goal that limits my schedule??

Reasons to stay put with my same manager is I don't have to reexplain my status... but the "different direction" is still essentially the same job. I have to work my ass off, but I can pop on and off the radar at will with the blessing of my manager. However, I am hating this job. Well, hate is a strong word. I don't like it anymore... it's tedious, boring.

A new job would be invigorating, but the downside is I can lose the support of my management with the infertility stuff. I could end up traveling more. The job may end up less stressful, but I wouldn't know in what ways that would manifest. I would be a newbie again, and have to prove myself again.

Having said that, if I wasn't in infertility hell, I would take a new job, hands down. It would be an easy decision. I've been ready to go a totally different route since this time last year when I was promoted.

I'm bitter. I'm bitter and pissed that my infertility has seeped into my work. And any decisions I make are based on it. Compartmentalizing isn't working anymore. I need to find a happy medium... and I am sooooo far from it. F&^K!!


In other news, it's Stim Day 5 here (didn't that go fast?) and I am a little ahead this cycle in terms of follie size, so not sure what that means at the moment. I guess depending on my bloodwork from this morning, they may tweak my dose. I had two lead follies on the left, and three on the right... all similar in size and larger than this point last cycle.

Oh Monday, Monday...

Peace on Earth, or at least at BagMomma's house

So where have I been?

I was growing tired of the drama around here. Is it a coincidence that I have off from work this week? I think I must have used some serious psychic powers knowing I would need this week off.

If you remember a week or two back, my drama at work was reaching a head, and then the great computer meltdown occurred. Then the loss of Luke. All the while, anticipating my first cycle back on the TTC bandwagon and worrying about that.

I had originally scheduled this week off to do a lot of little projects around the house. I have done a few, and did another purse cleanout and donation. I cleaned two closets (so far) generating a landfill of trash. Mostly empty boxes and crap I was saving for god knows what.

Sadly, my PC rebuild hasn't gone as planned... so I ended up ordering a new PC for the family computer. Since I had my work laptop under lockdown since last Friday, I've been out of the loop on blogging and e-mail. My Google Reader had 780 unread posts when I posted on Monday... I'm sure it's over 1,000 by now. But you know what? It doesn't matter.

I am relishing the fact that I have been able to detach myself from the computer for awhile.

I even (GASP) went shopping to REAL stores yesterday. Places where they give you free boxes with gifts you buy instead of my internet purchases where they CHARGE you a giftwrap/box fee.

I went to lunch alone yesterday, and sat in a restaurant eating a turkey wrap with NOWHERE to be. I browsed the Coach store, Williams-Sonoma, Sur Le Table, and Harry & David. I sat in a comfy chair in Starbucks sipping a Latte watching the snow fall outside.

It was heaven. Well, except for the money I spent.

So far, this week is turning out to be unexpectedly decent.

I am done my BCPs, and awaiting arrival of AF to make my first u/s appointment and the start of my injectables cycle.

I am (almost!) done my Christmas shopping.

I finished decorating, and decorated a special tree dedicated to our departed pets. We got rid of the dog and cat food, the dishes, the kitty litter. It was time to let it all go.

My new PC should arrive next week, and I think I'll just take my time loading everything on it. I am using my work laptop for urgent stuff and these posts in the meantime. Won't have my usual time to browse and lurk, but that's okay. It's temporary.

To sum up this week in one word: PEACEFUL

[breathing out a sigh of content]

Ups and Downs

Well here's a bit of good news. My new refrigerator was delivered this morning. Of course the best part is they showed up unannounced at 7am WHEN I WASN'T HOME. Apparently someone made an error at the store and scheduled delivery and forgot to call us to confirm.

Lovely.

The upside is they turned around and drove back an hour later, just enough time for me to haul everything out of the old one into the basement fridge.

The downside is I couldn't fit everything in the freezer downstairs, so I have a free extra turkey thawing in the extra fridge.

Oh, and the new one seems to be working, so that's good right?

On the bad side, I got 129 e-mails in my work inbox OVER THE WEEKEND. Freaking overachievers...

The good news is I created a folder called JOB #3 #4 and #5 in my email account and sorted them out of my inbox. I will get to them someday, or after I HIRE TWO people to backfill the roles. Does it make sense to lay off people and hire in the same two weeks? ....methinks not, but I am not the CEO of Big Computer Company. I just do my job. Times five.

Thank goodness it's a short week.

Sleepwalking

I don't know how I got here.

These words manifest themselves in the oddest of situations.

You know how you drive your car to a destination, and once you get there, you think to yourself... "Gosh, I don't even remember driving here"? That happens to me more often than I like to admit... and I know the reason... My mind is in overdrive thinking about a gazillon things, yet somehow I miraculously still get to where I'm going.

Autopilot.

Imagine if that scenario takes over in other areas. You just do what you have to to get though the day. And then you wake up and realize you've been sleepwalking though life.

I am Shelli, and I am a sleepwalker.

It became evident yesterday when I had that "how did I get here" moment.

I was drying my hair in the bathroom listening to the radio. I put on my makeup. I put on my earrings and ring, and got dressed.

I made lunch for David.

I drove him to school. I dropped him off, hung up his jacket under his cubby and set out his breakfast at the table with his friends.

I drove home, along the way stopping at Dunkin Donuts for my large coffee with just cream please.

I got home and turned on my laptop, dialed in for my 9am meeting with my boss.

And it hit me.

I didn't remember how I got to my chair. Two and a half hours of my morning routine, and I couldn't recall being mentally awake for any of it.

In the middle of my one-on-one with my manager (coincidentally a development meeting about my career)..... I blurted it out.

"I don't know if I can do this job anymore."

Wait, did I really just say that, or did I imagine it up in my head??

Nope, I said it.

My boss is a dear friend of mine. We were friends and co-workers long before she managed my team. She was a bit taken back, rightfully so. But considering what I've been though lately, she was not very surprised at all.

We continued to chat, and normally the chat always helps me set my head back on straight. The message we agreed on, "think through my feelings, reevaluate, work will always wait". But the thought of that..... it wasn't the waiting part that made me feel better.

I couldn't care less what was waiting. In fact, I wished that the work would just disappear.

After I hung up I had the worst pain in my stomach, like my heart took a nose dive to my knees. What am I thinking?? How did I get here?

And, now that I am at this crossroads of sorts, what do I do? I've always loved my work, I defined myself by my strong work ethic. So it seem very odd to say I am questioning that.

Maybe it's the role I'm in, or maybe it's just the personal stress starting to corrode away my energy, and my passion. Whatever it is, I need to figure this out. Tape some options up on a dartboard or something and fire away. I just can't be in this state of mind anymore.

I guess the first thing to do it stop sleepwalking. Because, sleepwalking whether traditional or non-traditional, is most definitely not a good thing.

In fact, it can be downright dangerous.

food = office = entertainment

Some days I miss working in an office.

This comic strip reminded me of the days when I was easily entertained by the antics of my co-workers. Many of our office discussions revolved around food. Conference calls and meetings revolved around lunch. Nothing came between us and the lunch hour.

We were food whores.

I have such good memories of our impromptu office lunches. About 15 of us would gather daily in the conference room, and it was always a very social affair. Talking, Laughing, Eating. If we closed a big deal, we'd celebrate with a huge catered spread. If we hosted a seminar earlier in the day, you can bet we'd finish the leftovers before the caterers came back for cleanup.

I had a co-worker, Kevin, who was obsessed with food. He would travel into the city to get us THE BEST lunch items... everything from Thai to soul food. He never minded getting in his car to drive for food, so you can imagine he became the "office food biotch".
"you buy, I'll fly" was his mantra.
God bless you Kevin, you kept my tummy full for many years.

I think I spent a good portion of my salary back then on food. Back when I just got out of college I was a sales assistant, making a paltry salary compared to my co-workers. It wasn't a big deal to the people I worked with... most of them were software sales reps, and salaries were HUGE back then in the dawn of the tech age. My district manager covered my lunch more times than I could count, and for that I am always grateful.

But there were the "interesting" personalities. By interesting, I mean the co-workers that never joined us for lunch. The techno-geeks that sat in their cube all day running code like they were building a program to cure cancer (wouldn't that be nice?)

They were the co-workers that would sneak into the kitchen while we were laughing hysterically in the conference room... and nuke their day old tuna casserole in the microwave.

Or, whatever food that had the potential to reek for days in the office.

aaaah, the stories I remember.

Like when Marsha (name protected for her own good) had a habit of putting fish tacos in the micro on Fridays, and forgetting about them. Freakin' fish tacos would congeal in the micro over the whole weekend. Then after proper fumigation, we would put a sign on the micro alerting said offender.

Followed up by an office huddle at the receptionist's desk with my friends and cackling like witches about how Marsha's house must smell like dead, rotting fish.

Twice we threw out the microwave because of her.

aaaaaah, memories.

Misty water colored memories.

Now that I work from home, an office lunch is something that needs to be planned ahead, no longer "off the cuff" and trying to get people together is like trying to plan a wedding.

And the only person stinkin' up the micro is me when I make my Lean Cuisine.

So all you people who still have lunch buddies, I envy you.

I even wistfully miss the smell of spoiled fish tacos.

Enough already

Another day, another u/s. Pregnancy still clear as day sitting there in my nether regions., refusing to budge. It's as if the gestational sac is flipping me off on the screen.

Yes, this is not the way to end a pregnancy.

Dr. V says we now have to just "wait it out". One, two, three weeks for the natural miscarriage.... unless there's any sign of infection or trouble.

My mind now turns to more important matters, such as I have a business meetings coming up in Raleigh, NC and vacation in Disneyworld. I really don't want to have to be dealing with an impending miscarriage or heavy cycle (which I KNOW is coming).

If I had to sum up my feelings today, I would say FRUSTRATION and helplessness.

So, after this passes, and the obligatory two cycle wait, I'll be lucky if I can TTC again in October. That makes me cranky.

So what about the future?

The plan will be to move to injectables for a few cycles and skip the clomid, since Dr. V said that Clomid will likely not help me very much. The object will be to boost ovulation as much as possible in the hopes we catch one (or more) good eggs. If that doesn't work, then straight to IVF.

I've been also having a slight meltdown with regards to my health insurance. My plan is 80/20, so I'm stuck with 20% of the costs for everything. Today was u/s #7 and every time I go back it's like you can hear the cash register "CHA-CHING!" I am worried that the bills are starting to come in, and that this may be just a small part of what we will be up against in the coming months with what we have planned. To say I am sort of freaking out about money is an understatement at the moment.

I had a horrible day back to work yesterday. I couldn't even muster the strength to get through my e-mail, and then I found out that I am taking on some of my old work I thought I gave up when I was promoted into my new role... So, I will be back to working two jobs again essentially. For the first time in my professional career I am scared that I can't do it all. That all of this stress and family commitments, work, TTC, etc is just inches from blowing up in my face. I've always prided myself with being an outstanding employee, and I have been a terrible one lately.

I am not wired for failure (I always believed that), but how can I stay positive? It always came so easy to me, I would fall and get right back up. For the first time in my life I just want to lay down.

This is a path I have not traveled before. It's a little scary.

do I really, really have to??????

I am sounding like a whiny kid today, my first day back to work.

So far, I've read 100 e-mails from work, and have been able to fly under the radar without anyone pinging me. I figure they'll give me till after lunch to get my ass in gear and then IM's will start flying.

I am also grumpy because I have returned to the world of dieting. I took a little respite on vacation (although I never did get that ice cream I wanted), so it's back on the wagon today. I am s-t-a-r-v-i-n-g.

Someone throw me a cyber donut, please. I need a fix that yogurt just can't fill.

lol.

Oh, and I did go to the post office this morning and bought my 2 cent stamps. I am ready to catch up on some serious bill paying.

I am stressing out that I didn't have time yet to watch Lost, AI, DWTS, Greys Anatomy, or Heroes or any of my DVR'd stuff from last week. Although I did notice that Billy Ray Cyrus was booted off DWTS last week. Hallelujah for that. Don't tell me you ever thought he was a good dancer. And I hate his latest grunge look.... well at least he lost that mullet.

Off topic.

I still have not gone to the grocery store yet either. Shopping for food pains me. Especially when I am just back from vacation.

Come on, isn't my life utterly exciting????

You secretly wish you were me today, right?

aaaaaah, darnit. Someone is pinging me. Cripes. So much for easing into work.

No sweatpants week

Miyagi: We make sacred pact. I promise teach karate to you, you promise learn. I say, you do, no questions. -The Karate Kid (1984)

I am playing role as teacher this week, and (gasp) I've been in the office all week so far.

Upside, I am getting to dress up and be an adult at work all week. I've even got my matching purse and shoes on! And, last evening a very relaxed business dinner at one of my favorite restaurants.

Downside, no time for bloggy stuff or enjoying the great weather we've had here this week.

I realize one of the things I love about my job is enablement/instruction. I like to teach, and have been having a good time (although my voice is about to cut out).

I'll be back to regular posts later this week!

Home Sick

I am reminded all the time how nice it is to work from home. From my company (termed as a tangible benefit), from my family (Mom thinks I am saving millions of dollars in gas... far from the truth when you have a toddler in preschool 30 minutes away and you own a gas guzzling SUV), from friends (who exclaim I must be in "heaven" working from home), and even mere acquaintances who think working from home is so great because you work so hard at home (wink, wink).

The truth of working from home?

Yes, you do save gas, over the long term.

Yes, you can wear WHATEVER you want sitting at home. No one cares that you have a hole in your t-shirt.

You can accept deliveries from Fedex and the postman, without fear you won't be around to sign for something.

You can multitask (if you are really good) and throw in a load of laundry.

You can save money buying lunch out... however, if you are also a coffee addict like me, your AM/PM stops at Dunkin Donuts negates that savings.

You don't have to deal with annoying co-workers (unless they are in your immediate workgroup)

Sounds good right?

Here's the not-so-good points of working from home...

You work more. That's right. Now that you don't have the two-hour commute, you end up turning on the laptop at 6:30am, and work right thru the day. Have dinner with the family, put the little one to bed, and log more computer time.

Co-workers expect you to be available ALL THE TIME.. via e-mail, phone, IM.

Remember that nutritious lunch you had planned? You never eat it, because you got hung up on calls and when you looked up at the clock it was already 3pm .

The wash you started in the AM, is STILL in the washer (getting moldy) and you don't remember until the next morning.

If your little one is sick, you might as well take off too. No work gets done when a toddler is using your pens on your desk to write on important documents. Or worse, they overtake your laptop and instead of playing Blue's Clues they are reformatting your harddrive.

The bathroom is literally ten steps away, and you sit at your desk with a bladder about to burst.

Sometimes, yes, it's lonely... and you miss having co-workers around.

Instead of having office meetings nearby, now it requires jumping on a plane to have meetings (because everyone works at home and isn't nearby anymore).

Yep, working from home doesn't sound so attractive does it?

Working from home is a blessing and a curse.

Moms who have jobs and have not had the opportunity to work from home think that getting that golden ticket to work in your pj's is a dream. They dream of working a little, cleaning a little, cooking a little, and sneaking in the hair appointments.

The reality is that most Moms who work from home still need full-time childcare. They find it hard to schedule that salon appointment. Letting the dog out to pee interferes with your conference calls. Cleaning the house? Forget about it.

Unless you are self-employed or extremely disciplined with a job that doesn't require full attention, working from home is not a picnic.

When I think back 4 years ago, to the times that I commuted a total of 3 1/2 hours round trip per day, I think WOW, I am so happy I don't have to do that anymore!

BUT...I secretly wish that I still had to go into an office (just once in awhile), if not for anything, to just give me an excuse to dress up and see people in person. To waste some time at the watercooler, and grab lunch with my co-workers. To use my suits and wear heels.

ooops...

excuse me, I have to go... in the time it took me to type this post, I have 4 IM's and the phone rang twice.

Duty calls.....

:)

Can you hide in technology?

This comic brought to mind a subject I want to talk about which is irking the hell out of me. Primarily at work, but this subject applies to everyday living.

How is it in the technological world we live in that people are more inaccessible? Yeah, I know what you're thinking.... I thought that we are all toooooo connected nowadays?

Well, sure, we have laptops, pda's, cell phones, blackberries, and multitudes of techie toys... christ..... you can talk on the phone, email, IM, listen to music, and cruise the web on an object that is no bigger than a credit card. You practically can do anything with it ... well, with the exception of making your toast in the morning and picking up your drycleaning.

But, haven't you noticed that we are reverting into a world where you can't reach someone when you need them?

Think about it...
How often do you call someone and they actually pickup the phone before it goes to voicemail?
Ever instant message someone at work and they are set to "away" all day?
Ever sent an e-mail that goes unresponded to, for weeks?

Technology gives people many places to hide. And even more excuses for people to hide and get away with it.

"oh my, my cell phone wasn't charged/on, sorry"
"did I miss you on IM? damn, laptop froze up again and I didn't see your message"
"I've been having so many issues with my e-mail, darn server must have not delivered your e-mail!"

I have to admit, at work, I do want to hide sometimes... but when I do, I put my IM on DND (do not disturb). I always respond to each and every email, voicemail, IM... same day or with 24 hours at the worst. It's my personal SLA. "Service Level Agreement", for you non-corporate types.

Now, don't get me wrong, everyone needs/deserves a little space. I am not that annoying co-worker that hounds you down until you provide an answer to a question.

I do, however, wish that people all would have equal respect for their own and other people's time.

Having a bad day? That's ok, we all do. Feel free to not log on, turn off the cell phone.. HIDE.

Hide every day??? Nuh uhh. Come out and face the world, baby. It's not going anywhere.

Fashion and the home office

There used to be a time when I would go crazy for a "business casual" day. Back in the day I worked in a "real" office, with a receptionist, coffee machine, and animated co-workers that could make you laugh on even the worst of days.

Back in 1992, when I was introduced to this office world, I was working for a company (later acquired in 1995 by the behemoth company I work for now)... and we had a pretty low-key dress code. I wasn't wearing suits, but since we had customer seminars in our office on a frequent basis, so we had to be dressed for success on most days... kinda a "pumped up" business casual.

After the hostile takeover (yeah, it was pretty crazy in the dot.com era) the company we were melded into had a VERY strict dress code. So, as the months went on, to appease the "crazy" software people that they brought on (me), my new company adopted casual Fridays.

Casual Fridays were like the old dress code, so we were bummed.

The interesting part of all of this is how this got me to thinking how much I miss dressing up and going to work each day. Most days, I dress in very casual clothes (and almost always my sneakers) and spend the day here at home in my office.

I occasionally go into the local office (about 20 miles from home), but boy is it different. I can actually wear jeans (not my sneakers though) and would fit right in. Reason being, our office culture is all about mobility now. Customer meetings are no longer held in-house anymore. The purpose of going into the office doesn't have the human component anymore. It's plug in, do your thing, and get out.

The only real opportunity I get to put on my fashionable shoes is when I travel for work, which is not more than a couple weeks out of the year. I have to admit, it does feel good to walk around in heels once in awhile. There is something mildly comforting to me wearing a nice pants suit, heels, and my cool "smart" glasses (don't forget the handbag!). Perhaps I was never meant to be the work at home type, but here I am.

So, I guess in the end, I am saving money not having to have my closet full of work clothes. Hell, that would be scary anyway, because I know my love of fashion would carry into my work clothes and soon I'd have a VERY expensive habit to add to my OTHER very expensive habit of collecting handbags.

Wow, now that I just thought of this, perhaps a new handbag purchase is in order. Look at all the money I am saving!