Dreaming of me

I've always been a vivid dreamer.

My dreams are in color, I can remember small details, I always "know" when I am dreaming, and most of all... I've become very perficient at knowing how to wake myself up from a dream I don't like.

I'm not sure how I figured out that last part. As a kid, I had a lot of nightmares, and my trick (back then) to waking up was first realizing I was dreaming, and then closing my eyes in the dream and pressing my belly button.

Viola! My bad dream cure.

Except sometimes it backfired (and still does), when I manage to think I woke myself up but realizing I just forced myself into a parallel dream state. Even when I wake from a horrifying dream, I need to stay awake for at least 10 minutes, because I can easily slip back into the same awful dream.  Great, right?

Last night I had a particularly bad dream. I was stuck in some sort of pit, and snakes were chomping on my limbs. You see, I hate snakes. Like Indiana Jones, when I see a snake in my dreams I think: "Snakes! Why does it always have to be snakes?!" It's my anxiety dream of choice.

So I manage to wake myself up (or so I thought). I sat up in bed, breathed a sign of relief, and just when I thought I was home free, a snake appeared under my covers. Argh! Worse- I had a heck of a time waking myself up. When I did finally, I jumped out of bed and stood in the middle of the room praying that I was really awake. ala Paranormal State without the demon in the house.

I was awake... but the fear of lying back down was too much. So I rocked back and forth and willed the nightmare away before I slipped back into bed.

I'm not sure how I was blessed with such a jabberwocky brain. Or if there are many people like me, or if I am a class unto myself. I've pinpointed that my dreams are stress relief for me. It's a way of my working out the cobwebs nestled in the far corners of my head.

I just wish I dreamed more about good things than bad.

The irony is my dreams have gotten a little more nightmarish in the last 5 years (oh, duh!) no doubt due to the constant state of stress I've managed to wrap myself into.

I had always liked to blame the infertility medications on my active imagination, but now that it's been 6 months without any artifical substances in my bloodstream, I guess I can't.

The key now is to channel the negative energy away from my sleep ritual.

The problem... I'm not sure if that ever will change.

Down with the sickness

Because, really... could this week even be more drama and suspense filled?

Little D has the flu. His symptoms started last night and evolved into something closely resembling H1N1. They are treating it as that because, well... it's too early to be the seasonal flu, and he did have a regular flu shot a couple weeks ago. Process of elimination I suppose. S. took him to the doctor this morning for official diagnosis.

Half the town was there.

In speaking with the ped office and his school this morning, it seems Jersey went from the fewest cases of swine flu to a zillion in just the last week.

So far, S. and I are well. No symptoms for either of us. The house has been sanitized, and our hands are raw from repeated hand-washing.  I am waivering between concern for my son and concern for myself considering this is the WORST week for this to happen.  THE WORST.

I just want my baby to feel better.  And I want to not feel guilty for trying to keep my distance because of my own situation.

Transfer for my FET is tomorrow at 11am.

God-willing.

Sparkly

Thanks guys for hanging with me on that last post. I think the appropriate word someone used in the comments was "panic", and yes that pretty much hits the nail on the head. As much as I am excited to finally get here, the anticipation of finally being here just reminds me how close I am to the end of it all.

I've been stewing on these emotions for the last two weeks, but this week it just reared it's ugly head to the forefront.

So what's new? Well, I started the estrogen (in pill AND patch form), and just counting down the days for the donor to start stimming on the 10th.

Man, was I EVER glad to knock down the Lupron injection... the headaches were a royal PITA. Made me grumpy too.

Or, perhaps the grumpy part came from running into two Moms from David's old school (gloriously pregnant with #2 and #4 respectively). They were talking about being sick and tired during their pregnancies, and all I could think was how I wanted to be in their shoes. I wished they knew how lucky they were. I put on my happy face and let them rattle on until I couldn't take it anymore, and excused myself to my car. Driving home, the whole way... all I felt was a large lump in my throat. I will not cry. I am so damn sick of crying.

Looking forward to the holiday weekend, although not a long or restful one for either of us.

S. has to work for some of it. I'm not off any extra days. I want to check out fireworks somewhere (last year if I remember correctly, I think it rained a bit and we missed them).

Fireworks make me happy. I think I even have a few boxes of sparklers somewhere that I picked up out of state (NJ says NO! to fireworks... freaking buzzkillers). Yes, I know they are dangerous... (funny how when I was a kid no one thought they were dangerous at all) but again, they make me happy.

I have such fond memories of running around the backyard with two sparklers in each hand... wishing they could stay lit forever.

So what are you doing this weekend?

The fall of civilization

Well, I took my last BCP yesterday. Just waiting for AF to show. I'll be happy to back off the Lupron a little bit. I've been having hot flashes at night. The headaches, not so bad as long as I keep hydrated.

The donor meds saga was resolved, but not without a minor freakout yesterday that all my work to date was for nothing when ONCE AGAIN a customer service person thought I was paying cash. Thank goodness for my new friend at the other specialty pharmacy who reminded me to remain calm, and then called the OTHER pharmacy to remind them of my insurance details. Ugh, such horrible communication between these insurance agencies.

Anyway, when it rains it pours. Husband and I recently changed over our phone service to the MASTER MONOPOLY CABLE PROVIDER in PA/NJ (we already had internet and digital cable with them), and man, they screwed us big time with our bill. In addition, our phones still aren't working correctly since the initial install. S. has been in charge of that big 'ole mess, and last night just went ballistic on the customer service folks. We call with a service problem that's been ongoing for two weeks AND a bill issue... and what do they do?? They try to freaking up sell us on another one of their worthless features!! Arghhhh! Are you kidding me??

All of my complaints this week are directly related to the US Economy, I suppose. Is is me, or are all of you feeling like you have to fight with service providers more than you used to? I have to be honest, I feel like I have another full-time job just dealing with money-obsessed companies.

What's next? Will my favorite donut shop start not filling my coffee cup to the top to save a penny?

Oh, nevermind. I don't want to go there. That's too traumatic to think about.

One foot in front of the other

You never will get where you’re going
If you never get up on your feet
Come on, there’s a good tail wind blowing
A fast walking man is hard to beat
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking cross the floor
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking out the door
If you want to change your direction
If your time of life is at hand
Well don’t be the rule be the exception
A good way to start is to stand

David has been obsessed with Christmas television shows. The lyrics above, from the 1970 classic "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" (by Jules Bass). I adored this as a kid, and still do. And this song is one of my favorites... I can hear Fred Astaire singing right now.

What a simple message.

One foot in front of the other. And soon you'll be walking out the door.

Perfection in so many ways, eh?

So yeah, I didn't mean to scare you guys with my freak-out post yesterday (thank you for your supportive comments!), but it is what it is I guess. S. is in limbo with his employment, and well, that situation may either change drastically (if he's laid off soon), or improve (the job fairy finds him a suitable place to land).

On the other side of the coin, my employment (forever up in the air, as it has been for 15 years) is once again on the skids. The goal: find another job within the company that provides safe-haven (in other words, gets me thru 2009 without getting a pink slip). The technology environment is always so cyclical, and I've been laid off twice before (and found a job in-house), so this is no new news really. Just a harbinger of things to come. A situation that I DO NOT NEED when my husband's position is in jeopardy.

The good news is we've already been cutting back on expenses. The intent was to lighten the load for the donor cycle expenses, but it appears we had good timing to at least get our debt in order the last three months.

We need to re-examine our lifestyle and seriously crank back MORE just in case. And, no the donor cycle is still in play. And, yes, David will indeed have a great Christmas. Just less stuff.

Burgermeister Meisterburger is not going to rain on my parade.

Maybe I should just go back to bed?

I'm having "one of those days" already, and it's only 8:05am.

I woke up only to realize I overslept (thanks to my new friend, over-the-counter sleep aids). S. was already out of the shower, and David was still asleep in bed.

As I woke up David, I found he had a nosebleed in the middle of the night. A giant puddle of blood on the pillow, on the sheets, on the mattress cover. Lovely.

So I stripped the bed, and decided to get a quick shower. But, HELLO?! the shower was freakin' ice cold. There once was heat, after all... S. had steamed up the mirrors... but for me NO HOT WATER. It was a quick and bone chilling experience.

Now I head downstairs and see S. replacing light bulbs in the hallway. I ask "why are you doing this now???" his reply, "the house is about to burn down". It appears that those energy saving lights I've been replacing throughout the house don't like closed-in light fixtures. Who knew??

In my rush to get David's backpack together, I trip over a metal toy wagon in the hallway.

I promptly yelled "OWWWWW! Jes&*^ frig8^$#" and threw the wagon out of the side door into the garage.

Problem solved.

It's about this time when I realize it's pouring rain outside, and windy as hell. I figure it's best to take the car to the bus stop.

Meanwhile, David is getting dressed in his uniform, and he yells that he can't find his shoes.

Oh man.

I suddenly remember that I left them out on the front step the day before... because his shoes were muddy and I didn't want him tracking mud in the house.

His shoes were still outside on the step alright. In the RAIN. Soaked!

Idiot mother that I am, I only have ONE pair of uniform shoes. I had meant to buy a back-up pair (I almost always do), but I never got around to it. Dumb me.

Now we are late, and I am frantically writing a note to his teacher... "Sorry about the shoes..."
and we barely jump into the car and I see I have no umbrella. Figures.

We pull out of the driveway, and no sooner do we drive down the street and around the corner... here comes the bus. I leap out of the car, and attempt to open the rear door for David, only to realize the child safety lock was engaged so the door was locked. I run back to my door and unlock the doors and tell David to run to the bus.

"run David, runnnnn!" It was a Forrest Gump moment in pouring rain and wind.

I am only holding back 15 cars waiting on the bus. I know someone was cursing me from behind the wheel, because I used to be that person before I had David.

Now I am here in the safety of my home office. About to begin the work day. All sharp objects have been removed from my office, and I have a giant mug of coffee at the ready...

What else could go wrong today??? I mean, really...