Highs and lows

David just had his last day at summer camp. He often rambles on to anyone who will listen about his adventures this summer. Swimming, skating, bowling, dancing, and his visits to two zoos, two museums, one theme park, the "theater" to see a real stage production, and numerous trips to the ice cream shop and movie theater. He had a great time.

In two weeks he starts 1st grade. In the meantime, we will be ramping up for school and sharing some serious 1x1 time. I am scheduled to be off for the entire first week of his school so I can sit at home, bite my fingernails, and watch the clock while I wait for bus stop duty.

Next week also starts soccer, and soccer practices. Practice being a new thing this year since he's on the big boy team now that he's 6. Also means more work for me.

When I look at the upcoming calendar for the next few months, it looks overwhelming. I am having one of those moments when I wish I didn't have to work. In fact, I'm back to figuring out if I could swing a leave of absence. The money is not even half the issue (I could survive), it's the fear that I could be laid off in the meantime. Still hanging by a thread as always. S. is also still hanging by a thread at his work too. We try to ban "work talk" because it only depresses us.

Not a time to be part of the "out of sight, out of mind" equation, methinks...

I'm also trying to figure out where to go from here- as in, my mental state.

I am realizing that I have some major issues to deal with that perhaps I cannot solve on my own. I've never visited a therapist in my life (except for the mandatory ones for this past DE cycle). I'm not sure I can even afford one, but I do know that I am not myself anymore. This has been a cumulative effect and really has been building over the years. This last month (failure and scary moments) seems to have accelerated my feeling out of control.

I am sad, a lot of the time. I know that much of my state is temporary (or is SUPPOSED to be), but I am worried that I cannot lift myself out of my funk this time. I'm just not me.

Aaarggh.

... what to do, what to do...
I just don't know.

How much?

I just can't seem to get my head together.

I'd blame it on the heat wave, but sitting in my air-conditioned home office I haven't spent much time outside to blame heat exhaustion (although I almost fell over weeding my flower beds yesterday).

I am working. Work is good. It completely removes all thoughts about bills, insurance, failure, and the fact that I am entering year five of infertility hell.

I know it's a sick thought, but if this last DE cycle tanked from end to end (and I had no frozen embryos) I could begin to move on. I would do so with lots of therapy and foot stomping, but I know I would at least.... move.

But the reality is that I spent thousands of dollars and mortgaged my home for this, and I can't just let the frosties sit there. I am afraid if I take a break I might give up.

See? I told you I was sick.

So, I haven't even paid the bills from last month, and now I am embarking on more. The bad news, no more sucky-but-covered-a-little-of-my-bills insurance. Everything is 100% on me from here on out, so I placed a call last week to the billing person at the clinic to send me a quote for an FET. Quickest response I ever got from a billing person. I had it in writing two days later in my mailbox.

Yowza.

Of course, it pales in comparison to the fresh cycle. But honestly, when you add the monitoring (minimal) and drugs (which I *thought* I could get covered, until I realized that I can only get anything paid that doesn't need authorization which is like such a small portion of the total amount) it isn't the cheapest venture in town.

And once again, I am soon to be back on a "calendar". This makes me angry and sad at the same time.

Curiously, I am not excited to start this at all. I am hoping to sleepwalk though this entire FET.

I know...

what the hell is wrong with me???

I think we need a bigger boat

No worries, I haven't been absent, just enjoying a long weekend.

Well, sorta.

The economy has been bringing me down. Waaaaay down. Add to it that it coincides with our future plans, and well... you get the idea.

I posted over at my other home, NJ Moms Blog about the latest casualty in the BagMomma house. It's a small thing, but pretty much marks The End of Days around here.

Nope, it isn't pretty. Kind of makes me feel completely insane that I am about to take out a very large loan for medical expenses.

Back tomorrow with fun stuff from the pumpkin patch. It's not just for celebrities!


p.s. you do get the pun about the boat, right? Columbus Day? Jaws? I know it's a fuzzy connection, just go with it.