Perfecting the art of obsession

I'm so hungry I could eat a horse!

We've all heard this line, but I've actually said it at least 5 times this week.

My food snack of choice (in-between breakfast, lunch, and dinner) has been Cheez-Its, Raisin Bread, and Frosted Mini-Wheats cereal.

Of course, then I eat said snack with reckless abandon (not volume of portion, but speed) and 20 minutes later I am hungry again and feeling nauseous.

To combat the feeling of the ickies (which sometimes passes with 3-6 cinnamon Tic Tacs) I take a break from work (because work e-mails just make me more ill) and play Solitare on the PC.

The problem is, continuous playing of Solitare puts me into a trance, and almost a sleepy coma.

To wake up from Sleepytown, I brew my decaf coffee (with my most loved appliance, my Keurig Platinum Brewer), imagining that it is caffeinated.

And the cycle repeats.

Once again, I plead with the universe.... I really love having the pregnancy symptoms (I've often become giddy this week each time I get sick, I know that's quite warped) but if this is really a sticky pregnancy, must you insist on being in the front of my mind 24/7?

When you factor in the symptoms and my total obsession with wondering am I ok? am I not ok? Is this going to work? Will I be disappointed again? How many hours till my next u/s again? Oh, that would be 112 hours, 37 minutes and 23 seconds....

Well, I'm just not very productive at the moment. Or rational.

I gave a presentation this morning regarding "contract gross profit" to a bunch of services consultants and the whole time I was thinking about having pizza for dinner (S. had mentioned he wanted pizza instead of making dinner which sent my taste buds reeling).

I need to at least give the impression to my coworkers that I am really working during the day. Not hiding in my home office perpetually on "away" status on IM.

I think I might be blowing that.

Let there be light

I made it to my u/s early today, and to be honest... sitting in that chair was a very different feeling compared to Friday. On Friday, my heart was thumping out of my chest and my feet shook like leaves as I sat in waiting in the u/s room.

Today I decided that whatever will be will be. When the nurse took my blood pressure and it was perfectly normal, she smiled and said..... "geez aren't you nervous?????"

I was happy to see my favorite RE, and he seemed goofily happy too. As I assumed the stirrup position, (and he prepped the infamous dildo-cam) he started making a drumming sound with his voice. And then, in his perkiest tone, said "Drumroll please!"

I thought I was on a game show waiting to see if I won the million dollars.

But it was better.

One fetal pole, measuring just right. One sac and yolk sac, just right...

And then he told me to hold my breath for a moment so he could zero in on the heart. As I gasped in the room full of air we saw the most beautiful sight.

A healthy heartbeat of 122bpm.

Visually just stunning. I honest to goodness felt like I had an out of body experience.

I'm still pregnant, and by god there is a real live baby in there! Not a dead one. Not a wait and see if it looks better baby.

Today is a miraculous day.

It's just one hurdle, but a BIG one for me.

Inconclusive

I don't know what to make of this morning's u/s.

They saw one sac (they think just one... there was some question that they saw something else but then decided there's just one), and a yolk sac. They couldn't get a good angle because of my weirdly tipped uterus. So no visualization of the fetal pole.

I'm supposed to go back next Tuesday. I'll be 6w3d then.

I don't know, I am kind of at a loss. This not good news. In fact, I am really worried. How could my numbers be so good, and have such a shitty u/s?

I feel like crying.

Intestinal Fortitude

My tummy hurts.

I sound like my 4 year old, but it's true. My stomach is not feeling good. In fact, it's been doing topsy turvys for a week now. I thought it could be related to my current state, but as the days go by I am thinking it's a stomach bug. Everytime I eat something, my stomach starts to gurgle and I make a quick stage left exit to the ladies room.

This is not suprising... hubby has noted that a few of his co-workers have had an intestinal virus of some sort, so no doubt I either picked it up through him, or, more likely, my son's daycare. David rarely gets sick, but he's become a master at being the "carrier" for all sorts of illnesses.

The school posts all recent "outbreaks" on the parents board at the entrance. Today, we have pink eye (a usual one), and whooping cough.

Is it no wonder that I try to touch NOTHING entering or leaving the building??? You try opening a hinged door with an elbow. I've mastered each doorway and stairwell. I also keep disinfectant wipes in my car, and wipe my hands down as I'm leaving. I suppose if there was an option for a Hazmat Shower at the door, I'd use that too.

Ok, question for the masses.

Who here watches "Jon and Kate Plus 8" on TLC? My son loves this show (S. does too...secretly). All I have to say is I can feel my blood pressure rising at the mere thought of having 8 kids under age 6 in one house. The sextuplet thing makes me break out in hives.

I also just realized that the family in the show lives relatively close to me. And I also wonder who her RE was (it had to have been local, right?). And, what meds she was on (it had to have been injectibles/iui, because I can't imagine an RE would knowingly transfer 6 embryos via IVF. ) Did they ever talk about that on the show?

It just boggles the mind.

Well, back to work.

Two days to go.

5w3d

My last blood draw was today.

hCG= 6,185 !!
p4= 86.8

Since my numbers were getting high on the last beta (and the doubling rate slows down after hCG >1200), the RE would have been happy with a 72 hour doubling time. But I exceeded expectations with a 50 hour doubling time. Quite awesome.

My first ultrasound is Friday morning.

I am fearful to get too excited. But damn, those numbers are great.

Randomness and Obsessive Tendencies

So I braved the below zero wind chill to enroll my son at the local Catholic school. There were a ton of people there. All us parents huddled in the gym sitting at the kid's lunch tables looking like kids ourselves. Filling in the admissions applications with #2 pencils and then, standing in a single file line to hand in our manilla folders.

If you were a stranger peering in from the outside you would have thought the S.A.T. was going on. Dead silence.

The woman that took all my papers was nice enough. She made a few copies of some important documents, reviewed the papers, and was nice enough to let me attach a cover letter to the admissions form (my last ditch effort to make them see that we must. absolutely. have. to. be. accepted.)

So, I've done all I can and now we are in wait and see mode for the letter in the mail that determines the fate of David's education. Fun, no? Kind of like getting accepted to college. Except the tuition is a little less. lol.

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In pg news, no news is good news I guess. I had a minor meltdown yesterday when I just KNEW my pregnancy was doomed.

I just can't give myself a break. I was so obesessed with having/not having/having symptoms I was like a grenade ready to explode. Which now has proven my theory that I cannot enjoy a pregnancy no matter how good the signs are. These stupid miscarriages have robbed me of any sense of peacefulness.

Much like an addict, I guess.. I am always looking for the pregnancy "fix", in this case my beta tomorrow and upcoming ultrasound. I just want someone to tell me things are going to be okay. Look into the crystal ball, and tell me what I want to hear.

That's just not going to happen, so for now I am living day to day. Ok, maybe I fudged that a little. More like hour to hour.

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Today is hubby and I's 13th Wedding Anniversary. 13 years. I just can't believe how fast the time has gone. And everything we've been though...it's still quite a wild ride. Still best friends. Love you sweetie....

How about that...

Still very pregnant.

A perfectly doubling beta today @ 20dpiui.
hCG= 1,678 and P4= 70.8

That progesterone number is still up there. Amazing. I always fought low progesterone, so it's nice to see that a non-issue at the moment.

Next blood draw is Tuesday, and probably an ultrasound end of the week.

Still trying to take this all in. With the last four miscarriages, I never had good numbers to share. I could never relax and enjoy one day because I was always on the low end of everything. Low betas, low progesterone, no great news at all.

I should also say that yesterday I had an evening of the "sickies". I felt yucky whether I was eating or not eating. I don't remember ever having that reaction this early in a pregnancy.

So this is either the cruelest joke ever played on a human being, or maybe, just maybe I have a chance this time.

{crossing fingers tightly}

I need a diversion

Well, I've managed to get my mind-a-reeling doing something I shouldn't do..... asking Dr. Google for his take on yesterday's numbers. And after I did I freaked myself out with the possibilities good and bad.

Now that I've slept on it, I have a new perspective. I will handle whatever comes my way, one day at a time.

The next day being Friday, for blood draw number 3. Assuming that it goes ok (I hate to assume anything with my history) I am betting they will have me in for my first u/s next Tuesday (I would be 5w3d).

Until then, I am going to try to stop googling, and come up with some creative ways to fill the time.

Any ideas?? lol.

Breathe in, breathe OUT...

hCG= 630
p4= 52.6

And for the visual learners...


For today, I am OVER THE MOON!!!!!!

Paranoia

You know that feeling you get when you imagine falling from a tall structure. You know it's crazy to think it, but your heart leaps into your stomach and you feel like a thousand volts of energy has entered your body?

Yeah, it's like that.

That is what early pregnancy will do to a normal sane person. You analyze every sensation, every feeling. You cheer on your sore boobs. You are frightened that you feel pregnant, and just as frightened when you don't. How I wish I wasn't so farking jaded.

I went for my follow-up beta this morning. My hand was shaking as I signed in at the desk.

I really do need to chill out.

But I know better of me.

So I am pretending to work, but not really working. Just waiting for that phone call that buys me a couple hours of happiness or the life-ending bullet.

Stay tuned.

Waiting, wishing, hoping

Tuesday won't come soon enough to know if this pregnancy is on the right track.

That being said, I feel very pregnant in every way. Since the day before my BFP, I've had pretty ridiculous headaches. They do level off in their intensity, but they are constant. I can't remember if I had such bad headaches with David, but I certainly did not in the last failed pregnancies.

I am so happy that my progesterone is at a good level, because I always have fought low progesterone. Let's hope that remains a non-issue.

It's an odd place to be when you are waiting for that second beta. Wanting to be excited, but trying not to be too excited. I know all too well at doubling betas (for me anyway) don't equal a baby.

Thanks to you ALL for your well-wishes. It's nice to share a good day with my blogging friends.

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I had a really nice birthday dinner on Saturday. My Mom made a collage in a frame with pictures of me from baby to 40, and it was really cute. I haven't seen a picture of myself as a baby in years. Or, my incredibly long hair as a little girl which I chopped off at age 9 never to return again.

My brother and sister-in-law gave me a sterling silver trinket box with an engraving on the top. Very sweet. And S. gave me a litany of gifts at home (what inspired him I don't know), the best being a new eternity band ring.

And the topper was a chocolate chip mint filled yellow cake with white chocolate frosting. The best cake I ever tasted!

It was a really great weekend. Let's hope that carries into this week. ;-)

There was a time when this used to be FUN

Sweet and ironic 40th birthday gift.

Scared shitless.

Beta results coming this afternoon.

***UPDATE**** 13dpiui

hCG= 85, P4= 39

I need a moment to take this in. This is the best beta I've e-v-e-r had on 13dpo.

Tuesday will be draw #2.