3rd Down and Long

Oh, I feel so unproductive on the infertility front. Since the August let-down, I've not even been keeping track of my cycle. Seriously.

The last two arrivals of AF are a merely a circle on the calendar.

And having this mini-break really has been........ well........... surprisingly okay.

This month marks the first month of YEAR FOUR in my secondary infertility challenge. It almost seems comical some days. Something so easy for most, but decidedly hard for me.

So where are we on the donor egg cycle? Well, my current objective is securing the cash. The stock market has taken the wind out of my sails, as my rainy day savings bucket is tied up in investments all of which are tanking at the moment. I refuse to pull money out of there, so we are looking at some other methods.

I am calling today to schedule our psych evaluations. I want to get as much pre-work out of the way before the holidays. I owe a bloodtest, and S. owes another SA sample at the lab since he hasn't had a full work-up since last November.

But among these things, I am also curiously lazy at the moment.

I haven't looked at the donor profiles yet.

I guess the crux of it is, once I am invested, I am in it all the way. Which means another possibility of failure. I am so sick and tired of failing. But I am willing to jump in one more time, because I know that this really is the last attempt.

Remember when I referred to my last IVF cycle as my "Swan Song" for my old and broken eggs?

Well, if that was the swan song, this is.......... the "Hail Mary".

My RE is the quarterback, my donor is the football, and I am the wide receiver. We are on our own 10 yard line (90 yards from a touchdown and the WIN), and about to throw the longest pass in infertility history.

It will either be the miracle catch in the end zone, an incomplete, or a dropped pass.

Are you sick of my analogies yet?

Good. Because I have about 100 more over the next couple of months.

Good? or really Good?

Well, there is a baby in there. See the grain of rice?

It's measuring right on. Heartbeat not discernible(yet), Dr. P. wants me to come back next Friday for another scan. He said it's a little too early to get a read on the heart. I thought I saw a flutter,(so did he) but it was not obvious. Then the conversation went like this:

Dr. P: "Michelle, this pregnancy looks really good."
Me: "Good like, how? Are you just saying good because you don't see a heart beat? Good like normal? Are you sugar coating?"
Dr. P: "I don't sugar coat, by the facts I see here this looks good."
Me: "So, it's technically not really good until the next scan and it looks good then, right?"
Dr. P: "I know you are nervous. I am telling you that I see no negative signs at this time"
Me: "So that's good, right?"

Obviously, since the measurements look good, I feel just a tiny bit of relief. I want the flutter to turn into an undeniable heart beat. I have to tell you, waiting another week will kill me, but for today... I am HAPPY.

and the winning number is....

Beta up over 6,000.... Nurse B. didn't give me the actual number except to say that tomorrow will be the key, because at that level they should see what they need to see on u/s.

I was about to say that it's (OMG! heart palpitations)not doubling, but before I opened my mouth she said 72-96 hours doubling is very good for HcG when it gets beyond 1,200.

It's sorta like the lottery drawing... we will all gather 'round the u/s machine tomorrow morning at 8:45am.... and the fate of this pregnancy will be in stone.

I'm scared, because I feel the dark clouds closing in, and at the same time I am feeling tomorrow could be my lucky day. I just don't know which way it will go.

The art of distraction

I took the day off blogging yesterday to ensure I was nowhere near the ability to surf and google. Granted, I still had my hands on a laptop.... my business one, but I managed to work the whole day hardly thinking about my status.

David spent the day with his Grandma, and after I brought him home he felt warm. By the time bedtime rolled around he had a 102 fever. Needless to say, I am like the walking dead this morning... S. and I were up all night tending to the boy. He has no other symptom except for the fever... is he getting sick? who knows.

I woke up this morning wondering what I was going to do with him, his fever had gone down after a few tylenol doses, but he was in no shape to go to school. So he's at my Mom's again.

After I dropped him off with his blankie, I made the usual trek to the RE's office for blood draw #6. I suppose today's results should indicate how well tomorrow's u/s is going to go... until then, I am trying to keep busy and not worry.

It will be what it will be I guess.

Besides working, I have a ton of laundry to do and some filing that should fill the time when I'm not doing business.

and we wait.

on a wing and a prayer

Did I call it or what? Today's u/s = inconclusive.

They saw a sac, with a tiny point that could be a fetal pole. Since I didn't chart this last cycle, I don't know when I ovulated (although I am guessing CD 15-17)... so it's possible that it's (say it with me) just too early......

So, back to the lab room for more blood, because if it doubled since last draw that would be a good thing.

And repeat u/s scheduled for Friday AM.

So I suppose the end to this story may come today if the bloodwork is poor, otherwise, I have to wait it out for another draw on Thursday and the Friday u/s.

I can't help but get a bad vibe from this. The only good news is that this pregnancy is definitely intrauterine and not ectopic.

Why can't it just be simple.

Why.

Must. stop. googling.

First of, thanks to all of you for your well wishes. I have had a lot of other sources of stress this week (other than the ongoing pregnancy saga), and it's nice to come here for a little "uplifting" energy.

I am stressed, anxious, happy, worried, elated, and nervous. And, with some time, I can think of about 100 more adjectives to describe what I am feeling.

Outside of my blog readers, no one knows about all this commotion which is good and bad. With my past history of losses, I can't even imagine when I will feel okay to talk about it. I long for the days when I was pregnant with David (in the first trimester) when I had no fear, and miscarriage was a word I was not familiar with. I just toodled along, dreaming of baby names and color combinations for the nursery. Innocent and unaware.

I guess Monday's u/s will tell the tale, really. What can they see in a six week u/s anyway? I figure best case scenario is they see the two spots they are looking for (sac and fetal pole), and worst case they see just the sac, and schedule me for another u/s in a week because it's still too early (a common phrase in the world of early u/s).

I would have felt better if they just said, "hey, let's just wait one more week", (7 weeks) and then we will know the ending or beginning to this tale with clarity.

So now I move on from one thing, to obsess about another.

Today, I am taking a break from Google.

I will not Google.
I will not Google.
I will not Google.

Sometimes it's better to be blissfully unaware.

News

HcG= 310

which is, like, what, more than double? My fertility friends, figure that one out. It was 3.75 days inbetween draws since my last one was Thursday. I suck at math but this looks promising, right?

Picture me doing the happy dance today.

I am slow, but sure.

Next stop, Thursday for beta #4.

And in news unrelated to fertility... :)

The current situation has been taking up a lot of brain and blog space. This weekend was pretty relaxing, consisting of a lot of doing "nothing".

Which is nice.

I putzed around my Target store, bought a couple of needless items that were on the dollar rack. (is it me this year or was the Target Summer 'seasonal' section underwhelming?)

I also took the opportunity to go to the Coach store for the VIP event, and I got a new purse (and wallet) 25% off!
You can't beat that with a stick.

I am going on record to say that this summer is going to be crazy. I have a bazillion social commimtments (something going on each Sat. or Sun.) every weekend through the end of August. The thing that bums me out is there always seems to be conflicts. So although it's nice to be social, it sucks when you RSVP to something and then get another invite for the same day. I hate to miss out on people and fun.

And on the fertility front, my pregnant self is still here. I went for another beta this morning, and am feeling less stressed about the results.

It will be or it won't... worrying won't make it better.

So, I'll be back later today with news. Good or bad.

Stuck in a Moment

I heard one of my favorite U2 songs in the car this morning, and it's like one of those things where you hear the song and can't get it out of your head. Sort of like a Wiggles song, that occasionally I can't stop singing in my head all day long "Hot Potato, Hot Potato". It just drains your brain of all intelligence.

This morning was a little different, because I started singing along and the thought struck me how it was so coincidential that this song mirrors my feelings today.

I'm not afraid
Of anything in this world
There's nothing you can throw at me
That I haven't already heard
I'm just trynna' find
A decent melody
A song that I can sing
In my own company

I never thought you were a fool
But darling, look at you. Ooh.
You gotta stand up straight, carry your own weight
'Cause tears are going nowhere baby
You are such a fool
To worry like you do.. Oh
I know it's tough
And you can never get enough
Of what you don't really need now

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
Oh love, look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

I was unconscious, half asleep
The water is warm 'til you discover how deep
I wasn't jumping, for me it was a fall
It's a long way down to nothing at all

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along this stony pass

It's just a moment
This time will pass

Bono, you are such the poet my man... you wrote that for me right?

I guess I should probably be feeling decent, but I have to tell you, I still feel like I am just stuck inbetween a wide range of emotions. Now that yesterday's test is over, the attention now moves to Monday's blood draw.

Monday feels soooooo far off, and I think that the verdict on this pregnancy will be evident by then, or clearer, I guess I should say. For this weekend, I am going to attempt to keep my mind and body occupied and be happy for the fact that for today at least, I am still very pregnant.

Thanks to all the well wishes friends... your support is immeasurable.

Still in the game

HcG= 50 (more than doubling from last 48-72 hours)
p4= 36

And...... we wait until Monday for the next round.

Stick, baby stick.

Waiting...

I went to the lab at my RE's office early this morning, right after I dropped off the little guy at preschool. I must have looked stressed when I arrived because the front desk person, Tina, gave me a look that I am sure she repeats more than a few times a day....

the look of 'I know you are stressed, we promise to get you in and out of here quickly'.

I was in and out in 10 minutes tops, then a trip to Dunkin Donuts for the XL decaf coffee.

I feel the same today. My mood is cautiously pessimistic.

Trying not to read too much into my symptoms.... remembering I hadn't known what 'normal' pg symptoms are for me since I had David 4 years ago. Well, the first miscarriage being in 4/2006 was when I was a 13 weeks and it progessed fine until week 11. The other two pregnancies since then have been very short-lived. And now this one, which resembles none of the above.

I am bracing myself for bad news, because, frankly....I am getting to be a pro at bad news the last couple of years.

So, anyway, they probably won't call with the results until late afternoon. I promise to report here, good or bad.

Until then, my fate lies with a lab technician.

Queen of denial

Maybe it's the progesterone supplements that are making me nauseous. Or the fact that my stomach has been one giant knot since Sunday.

In any event, I am still here, and still pregnant today. I considered driving to CVS Pharmacy to buy a few more HPT's to see if the line is non-existant or darker, but in reality I am a chump (and a wuss) and the idea of not knowing today seems far better than knowing.

Sometimes being blissfully unaware is a blessing in itself.

My repeat beta is tomorrow morning (Thursday), and I guess I'll know where this path is leading by tomorrow afternoon.

I hate taking these progesterone supplements, because I feel like it's masking what's really going on. I will tell you I certainly feel pregnant today- but that is because of artifical hormones.

One day at a time I guess.

And, for right now it's still a possibility.

Here we go (again)

So I took a pregnancy test on Sunday. And it was positive.

So Monday morning I shuffled off to the RE's office for the obligatory blood draw.

The results came back and were, to say the least, depressing. HcG was a mere 22, P4 a little better at 17.4. This is on 13dpo, by my account.

I know that my ovulation date could be off, and I may have had a late implanter, blah, blah, blah. I just can't believe I can't catch a break and just get pregnant and not have to ALWAYS be in this inbetween state.

I call the stats dreadful, but the RE prescribed me a progesterone supplement to get it into the "safer" zone.

Whatever that is.

S. wants me to be hopeful, but you know what, this the the 4th pregnancy that is teetering on questionable.

So, next step is the repeat beta on Thursday. If the numbers don't more than double, I am doomed.

Please, readers.

I know a lot of you are friends, acquaintances, or mere passers-by.

But if you would please say a tiny prayer for me that this one will be different. I need all the sticky vibes I can get.

Yours,
Shelli

Pretty much sums it up...

Pins and needles

So, I am still recovering from this recent development. I'm in the void that I hate most, the place where you hope and pray the pregnancy sticks.

I had my first blood draw at the OB's today (for a beta and progesterone level check). I have to wait until tomorrow (after 1pm) to call them for the results.

Even though I have a handful of positive pregnancy tests, I still feel like I am one step away from losing my mind. I can't focus on anything... work or life at the moment.

Once this sinks in, I seriously need a plan to keep myself from going crazy!!

So, we wait for hurdle #1.... in the meantime friends, please send me some good vibes!!!

A wish received...

I knew I could count on you 2007... I just knew it.

Yes, you are looking at a positive pregnancy test. I am finally pregnant again!!!!

Please stay sticky little bean.