I'm not sure how to start this post, so I'll just say it.
My ultrasound this morning did not go well. I am measuring 4 days behind, but worse, the heartbeat is gone. After my appointment with the RE, I went to another radiology lab (with better machines) to confirm the findings.
They found the same results.
I am stunned, and can't even capture my breath. How the fuck could this happen????
My RE wants me to either miscarry naturally or with medicinal assistance (cytotec - like last time). If you remember, he was not successful in completing my last D&E (anatomically I have a few challenges with a narrow cervix and a tipped uterus) thus his conservative approach.
I am opting to go back to my ob/gyn for the D&E (they've done it successfully, no doubt in part that they unfortunately do d&c's just as much as deliveries). I also want them to try again in the hopes that they can capture the remains and do testing. I just need to know.
I am crushed enough. I don't need another event like the last miscarriage which dragged out for 5 months.
As for how I feel, I am sad to say I think I've reached the end of my rope. Clearly, great betas and one stellar u/s does not equal a baby.
Frankly, I am out of time, patience, and money. And Hope has taken a beating as well. I just don't forsee Hope as being a part of my life anytime soon.
I've often thought what it would be like to reach The End.
I just never thought I would get there.
