First, let me say that I am shocked at the number of comments and e-mails you all sent me. Your support is immeasurable.
So, yesterday was D&E Day. I had spent the prior day (Wed.) shuffling back and forth from my OB/GYN (who agreed to do the surgery), and the hospital for pre-admissions paperwork and bloodtests. Frankly by the time I woke up yesterday morning and prepared for my hospital day, I was out of tears and exhausted. I just wanted it over.
I even had a few laughs (imagine that) in the hospital with the nurses and in particular the anesthesiology team. One guy was a young Richard Gere who talked about golf and Tiger Wood's big butt (yeah, I know ???) and the other was a Dr. McDreamy look-alike right from Seattle Grace Hospital (except he was one mystic tan away from resembling George Hamilton). As I was waiting for my "happy hour shot" in the IV from McDreamy, I started at the staff gathered at the desk in the OR, and it dawned on me that most of them were way younger than me and good looking. How did that happen?
Anyway, my trusted Dr. D completed the D&E, and thank goodness she thinks she got it all. I can't tell you how relieved I was to hear that in recovery. If my hCG hits zero even within a few weeks from now, I will bow down and salute her good work.
So here I am, back where I started a million times. Miscarriage #4 or #5 depending on whether you count my chemical pregnancy from 2006.
I am spent.
But I intend to use the next couple of months to try to uncover anything new I can learn about what my problem is.
For those of you late to the game, let me tell you a brief history. I've been tested for the basic RPL panel (thyroid, clotting, immune, blood disorders, etc.) over the last year. Nothing out of the ordinary. S. and I have had our karotype tested- normal chromosones. I've had Day Three testing drawn three times in the last year, my FSH and estradiol still clocking in as better than normal for my age. I've never been diagnosed with a luteal phase defect (on unmedicated cycles I have a 13-14 day LP). I've only had low progesterone with a pregnancy once that I know of, but that one was doomed from the start with low hCG. Hubby's SA's have been normal.
So there are a couple of unanswered questions. One, it's proven I still have a decent ovarian reserve but nothing to be said of the "quality" or the eggs, which may indeed be a big problem. The RE vaguely suggested a couple paths, one being donor eggs. I feel as if I am under the gun, not just with my age, but financially. So it is important to have a plan that makes sense.
Two, I know all of you who have been there (suffered any repeated losses) have read probably the same books I have. I am especially intrigued by some immunologial factors that may have NOT been tested for. Not because I have a crappy RE, but they can't order more detailed tests because my local labs are not equipped to test for them.
If any of my IF blogging friends are still lurking, I need help. If you or any of your blogging friends have had RPL testing beyond the normal stuff, I want to hear from you. What did you do, where did you go (doctors, cities), what did another specialist find if they found anything? My e-mail is in my profile....
To be honest, I don't know where this path is leading. I don't know if I am at the end or close to it, but I promised myself last night as I was lying in bed that I would take the next few months and uncover every stone I can. Because I won't even make peace with any of this if I don't try.
If you are hearing desperation in my post, well, truth be told, that ship sailed ever since the last miscarriage. I am so totally devastated knowing now that it is possible to have a great looking pregancy bite the dust and that that scares the shit out of me.
But it also make me want to look for the answers. I know that is easier said than done, and sometimes the answers are never found. But after all the time, energy, disappointment I've had over the last three years... I need to do right by myself.
I need to uncover each stone. I need to.