Game Over

Well, sorry to leave you all hanging (I've been installing the new home computer all day, more on that later because it has been just frought with roadblocks!).

Friday was the last day I had a positive HPT. The booster/trigger was gone by Saturday, and alas....

no second line to be found.

I was upset about this Saturday night. It means my dream of at least being pregnant before my 40th birthday is gone. I bitched, moaned, and drank a couple of glasses of wine. Then I whimpered on the couch and had another glass of wine. Then I went to bed and couldn't sleep. The pits.

I don't feel all that much better today, but I have no choice but to move onward. AF just started mere moments ago, so in a couple of days I'll be back at the RE's for a CD3 scan.

We will do one more shot with injectibles/IUI (hopefully we can get the go to start right into another cycle... I have meds left).

If the next is a bust, we aren't wasting anymore $$ for meds and u/s, when we can get a better chance at IVF. But getting to IVF means the end of the road and money is near.... which is scary.

I leave you with two thoughts for the day:

Windows Vista sucks.
I hate to fail.
2008, how could you piss me off already??? It's only the first week of the year.

ok, I guess that was three thoughts.

Testing, 1- 2- 3

Happy New Year and welcome to my first official POAS-a-thon of 2008.

I went to Target a few days ago and bought three boxes of HPT's (one was a bonus box) so I had 7 tests at my disposal. I figured I'd go with the cheaper ones (they are Target brand) to track the HcG in my system. Saving the FRERs for the big test day.

I opened them yesterday just to test one. And I found they are those stupid blue dye tests (I much prefer the pink dye). It is nice to pee on something knowing you will see a positive, and my test HPT did not disappoint. If only all my tests looked that good!

I think the quandary here is since I had the HcG booster @ 7dpiui (another 10,000 units), I imagine that if I see a negative at all over the next week, it's probably bad news. RE wants to wait until 1/8, when the second booster should be out of my system.

Theoretically, since this Friday is 14dpiui, I would know the outcome by then. But now I have this booster to contend with mucking up my plans and making simple math into algebra.

This is just outright torture.

All's Quiet on the Ovarian Front

7dpiui, and all is well. Went in for the obligatory u/s and blood draw this morning and the conversation with Dr. P went like this:

[Dr. P scans the right ovary, and measures large gaping hole]

Dr. P: "So, the ovaries look good. No signs of hyper-stimulation, so we'll do the HcG booster today".

[Dr. P scans the left ovary, and measures equally large gaping hole]

Me: "So, I ovulated then right?"

Dr. P: "Oh yeah, nooooo question about that, looks very promising. We'll see you back in 10 days for the beta."


Stupid newbie question of the day to my BTDT buddies... can they tell if you ovulated on both sides? Or was I just reading too far in between the lines?

And, have any of you had the HcG booster? They gave it to me to stimulate the creation of more progesterone just in case. I guess that's way better than those damn suppositories in the meantime.

In work news, I am off today! I closed out the year at work and home today with the boy. I'm thinking of swinging by Target for some plastic containers, and maybe a little miscellaneous shopping and errands.

Beats working!

Update: ugh, so the suppositories were prescribed anyway. I just can't seem to get away without those awful things.

Holiday Hangover

Am I the only sad soul working this week?

If you are kicking back and rubbing your full tummy of Season's Eatings, I am jealous. I am, at present, eating some leftover Christmas Cookies with my coffee, pouring over financial reports and revenue/expense ledgers, thinking how I might enable my company to recognize that extra $1m of revenue today before close of business.

I know, you're jealous. [rolling eyes wildly]

Christmas was exhausting and short-lived as usual around here. While I worked yesterday (on the 26th) S. spent the day building race tracks and Lego Firetrucks for David. The pile of toys was just as big as last year, which always pains me because it means I need to fit them somewhere after the big clean-up. David badly needed clothes this year, but no one bought even a gift card from Kohl's or Target. sigh. Well, at least the boy is happy! lol.

This morning, none of us was capable of getting out of bed on time. Blame it on the Christmas hangover, which extends to New Year's Day around here. I'm kind of bummed that Christmas is over, it goes way too fast. And it was really an odd holiday without the dog and cat around. I'd insert some sort of cute David picture here, but I can't upload any of my pictures (still working on finding time to set up the new PC).

I have an appointment at the RE tomorrow for a progesterone check. It will be 7dpiui. If it's low, then undoubtedly supplements will be needed until next week's beta draw. And for all you symptom watchers, I feel pretty much nothing out of the ordinary so far.

Except a voracious appetite for a Vanilla Creme donut.

Quick and painless

I don't know why I was nervous about the IUI, but I was.

In reality, it was the easiest thing ever.

Probably the most stressful part of the day was getting the 'swimmers' to the lab at the RE's, and then wondering if we screwed up on S. abstaining too long/not long enough. In the end, his post-wash motile count was great. Doctor P used the words, "excellent" to describe it, and that was a welcome relief

After some mandatory relaxing on the table post-IUI, I was done.

Doc P recommended 'relations' (bwahahaha) this evening just to be sure we cover our bases. And by this time tomorrow, I will be in the first 2WW since last Spring.

Finally, another hurdle cleared.

Thanks to you all for checking in on me and all my buddies coming out of the woodwork to wish me luck. It really means a lot to me, you guys rock!!

Let's roll

My body decided to go into overdrive since yesterday... Doctor called me last night and told me to come in this morning... that I might be ready to go. I've got three mature lead follies.... 20x16, 19x18 and another 20x17... if I remembered the measurements right.

E2 zoomed up, and my LH started rising so we trigger today and IUI tomorrow.

Think good thoughts for me.

What's cookin' baby

Another trip to the RE for more bloodwork and an u/s. Progress has been steady. E2 from the last draw was up to 585 (that was as of Monday...don't know yet what today's result is but Doc liked the rise so far), and the same follicles are bigger (with some addt'l catching up). Four clocking in @ 14, two @ 15, and two @ 16. Lining looking good too. Look like we just need a smidge more growth... I think they are looking for the lead follicles to get to 18. It seems all the doctors have a different spin on when is the right time to trigger depending on a bunch of factors. All I know is they are happy with the path I'm on, and that is OK with me.

I am to report on Friday morning for the next regular follie scan. I'll be bringing along my Ovidrel for the trigger shot just in case on Friday/Saturday. IUI may be Saturday at earliest OR Xmas Eve, depending on the next scan.

For now, we wait.

I feel like a crockpot on simmer. lol.

Scared to lose

It's good to be scared. It means you still have something to lose.

I heard this quote, on of all things, the TV show Grey's Anatomy. It was so interesting, I scribbled it in the margin of a magazine on the side table as I watched the episode.

A couple days later, I saw the scribbled words as I got together all the old magazines and newspapers on recycling day. I tore off the cover with the quote on it and placed it on my desk.

I've been staring at this quote all morning and pondering why I found it so interesting.

Through many of my trials and tribulations in the last couple of years, one thing I've carried in my backpocket has been faith.

Faith that our luck would change.
Faith that better days were ahead.
Faith that my family and I can overcome the challenges that come our way.

Fear is a component of my life that comes and goes. I don't live my life in constant fear, thank goodness, but when the fear creeps up it's hard to shake. Sometimes the fear is like a vice grip, slowly squeezing the life out of you. Or a cat in a dark alley ready to pounce. But it never appears in the same way.

When I think of my life in its totality, I feel lucky. I have S. and David. I have family and friends who I love to pieces. I make a decent living. I live in a modest house and have food on the table. I laugh (mostly, lol).

My Dad always used to say to me (still does), being scared is reserved for situations of the utmost importance. Death, for example. Anything else isn't worthy of being scared about.

That's easy for him to say.

So maybe it's not about being scared that I will never have another child. Perhaps it's just the fear of losing more.


You know that old adage about "it's not the destination, it's the journey?" Well, if you don't ever make it to your destination, how many of us will live in the moment during the journey? Remember it? Cherish it?

Or even if we do get to the destination.... does it make the journey more special, or just a mish-mash of stuff that got us from Point A to Point B?

After I really thought about this phrase I kept on my desk, it dawned on me that I was scared. Scared to face the death of a dream. The dream that I can't bear to lose.

A fellow SIF blogger blogged about this topic awhile ago, about getting to the END. The last chance at catching the star you've been reaching for for so long.

Because of my (ahem) advanced maternal age, I don't have the luxury of doing IUI after IUI and gazillions of IVF attempts. It seems odd that I only went to the RE for my first visit 10 months ago, on my 39th birthday... and how quickly the urgency appeared.

The reality is I have a couple shots at this. 2 or 3 IUI's with injectibles at the most, and two (insurance covered) IVF attempts.

In four to five months, if none of this works, I could reach the end of everything.

Perhaps it's the hormones coursing though my body, but for today, I admit. I am a wee bit scared.

Raise your hand if you want a Christmas Miracle

It's Monday, and what better way to start the week than a trip to the RE.

I missed blogging about Saturday's appointment, nothing earth shattering except to say on Saturday I had 4 lead follies (two on each side) measuring 10, 10, 11, 12... with a bunch of wannabes on each side under 8.

My E2 was 266. Doctor said all was "cooking" well, and sent me on my way.

Today (after 7 days of stims), I had u/s #4 and the sizes have increased slightly on three of the four from Saturday... they are now at 11, 12, 12, 12.5-13. Lining=11mm.
I gave another donation of blood too, I won't find out the results of that until Wednesday at the next u/s unless they call me today to adjust my dosage.

So, S. is like an old pro now, and I think I finally got the hang of mixing all the vials and using the syringes. (Although I am still having some user issues drawing up and not creating a damn vaccum in the vial and syringe). David has witnessed our routine at bedtime, but he hasn't asked why Daddy is giving Mommy needles. He has a habit now of giving me a kiss on my boo-boo when we're done. So cute.

One issue I do/did have... because nothing is EVER freaking easy for me....
I think I developed some sort of UTI over the weekend. It was bothering me Saturday slightly, so I bombarded myself with water and cranberry juice, and I think I flushed everything out because I feel fine today. Nevertheless, I left a sample at the doctors just in case. The odd thing is I've only ever had one UTI in my life... and that was after I had David. So, of course NOW would be a good time for one, right???

Other than that snafu, I guess things are going as planned. I can't remember, but I think they said that they wait to trigger until any reach 16? Does that sound right?

I assume Wednesday might be the pivotal u/s day. We are kind of hoping that trigger and IUI are towards the end of the week (Fri/Sat), because S. is off from work.

BTDT buddies, how close do you think I am? Having not done this before, and always wanting to know my schedule (sorta).... is it logical to think this may go off before the weekend? I really want to avoid an IUI on Christmas Eve.

Of course, now that I just typed that... I probably jinxed myself. And furthermore, universe... if you see fit to have me do an IUI on that day, bring it on.

Are you thinking what I am thinking?

I'll avoid the irony there... but just for now.

Almost a migrane

So, the injections have been going well. I had my first u/s follie check this morning after three days of stims.

I have a killer headache this morning (perhaps due to rising E2) so I had a hard time listening and focusing while the nurse did the u/s.

I think she mentioned 7 on the right at less than 8, three on the left at 9 and some smaller ones under 7 on the left. I didn't catch the lining measurement, though I think I heard 7mm.

With the cymbals crashing in my head, it's possible I imagined it all. lol.

Nurse T will call later today after my bloodwork comes back to see if we will up the dose. I am interested in knowing what my E2 level is. Since I've been the exception to the rule lately, I am hoping that it's not abnormally low or high.

I know, I know... think positive.

Next check is Saturday, and I am a little bummed about that. For one, my local RE office is closed on Saturdays, so I have to trek back to the larger office (40 minutes away) for a 7am u/s and blood draw. Problem is, what to do with David. S. is working, and my parents are away. My in-laws just got back from vacation, and are not morning people. Which means we have to talk them into letting David stay over tomorrow night. You would think that's easy, but it's really not.

There is no way I am bringing David to the RE's office (trust me, that is a no-no of highest proportion). Ugh.

For now, I would be happy just to not have this headache.

Hit me with your best shot

It's two weeks to Christmas.

Is your holiday list completed?

I always work towards a yearly goal of having all my gift purchases done one week before Christmas. Most of the time I screw up and miss that goal, but I think this year I really might make it.

I think it's my alter ego at work. When I am most stressed and busy, I tend to whip my ass into shape. I'm like a little kid, sometimes if you give me too much leeway, I get bored and procrastinate on every little task. But pile up my calendar, and I am forced into "Commando" mode. get a task. complete the task.

What has gotten into me?

Anyway, I've gone from not doing anything to getting everything done (I think the week off of work and blogging helped). So much so that I am pondering embarking on baking next week. I have a beautiful Christmas cake pan that has waited the last two years to be used, and some cookie recipes I've been wanting to try.

I know, you are laughing. I can take it.

Oh, and I must report on last night's injection. Went just fine, and S. didn't even hesitate. I think he missed his calling as a nurse.

So when will I start to feel my ovaries revving up? I am a newbie, remember. Enlighten me.

I have a follie scan scheduled for Thursday (that will be after 3 days of stims.... I'm on 150IU of Gonal-F).

Oh, and the title of this post.... yeah, I know. ENOUGH with the 80's song references. But I love Pat Benatar. So there.

The first cut is the deepest

Saturday's appointment was pretty much a wasted one. I could have called that a million miles away.

S. and I arrived promptly at 7am. I had my bloodwork, and we sat with the nurse for the injection training.

Then the u/s. Of course since I had just barely started AF on Friday afternoon, it was no surprise that my lining wasn't thin enough. It was measuring a whopping 18mm (no doubt due to the fact that I hadn't had a regular cycle, doubled up with the BCP's I was on the last three weeks). So they sent me home to return this morning for another u/s. Boo hoo.

Today's check was right on target, and they noted antral follicle count of 15 (9 R / 6 L). After a quick consult with my RE they gave us the green light to start injections tonight.

As I mentioned, S. will be dispensing said medication since I have to do IM injections into the arm muscle. Lucky me. And until I am double jointed or grow another pair of appendages, he will be my go-to guy for the next 10 days or so.

I gave him an orange to practice on, and I have to tell you... his fear of needles may soon be gone. He was gleefully stabbing that orange to within an inch of its life. Of course when I told him that his first stab (hardy har har) is tonight, he looked like a deer in headlights.

Note to husband: I am not an orange. But I may have to pretend to be one for this first time.

Lucky SEVEN

I was always fond of the number 7.

So, today, December 7th 2007 brings forth the much anticipated Cycle Day 1. I haven't had a CD1 since May.

Yep, SEVEN months ago.

Tomorrow is the all-inclusive appointment of bloodwork, u/s, and injection training for my personal nurse (I call him Honey, but you know him as my hubby, S.).

The only drawback is we have to be there at 7:00am. On a Saturday.

There goes that "Seven" again.

Wish me luck.

Well stocked

Well, if there's ever a national emergency, I am set with pharmaceuticals for the next lightyear. At least I know when I am ready to start this next cycle, I have everything I need (except maybe I should have bought another fridge just for stocking the meds).

Gonal-F (qty. 30) $2,254? Seriously?

18 more BCP's to go.