Tuesday, June 12, 2012
This is not a post about grammar. Certainly not from a former business major.
I hate ambiguity. I hate 700 page books (although I read them anyway) because I want to rush to the end. I micro-manage my life to receive the biggest "bang for the buck", in the least amount of time of course. My usual mode is get from point A to point B. It works for me.
My infertility journey, not so linear. Pretty much a never ending book.
My story is different than many that walked the path before me and alongside me.
There was no success, no "graduation", no closing of a book in a defined timeline. My journey ended with a big question mark followed by a ... as in, to be continued... but for how long?
Some days I almost forget how I got here, and other days it hits me square in the face. On the worst days I encounter a random event that feels much like a bandage being ripped off from a fresh wound.
A friend of mine is having a very complicated and extended ending to a miscarriage of sorts, similar to one of my losses years ago. It brings me back to a place I hate to go. Uncertainty, irony, sadness, anger, and impatience at the world. Oh, how I feel her pain.
Today is one of those days I am rolling in the muckity-muck. My heart feels raw for all of us that don't get the happy endings and neatly wrapped gift... rather those of us who get the loosely wrapped present... paper ripped, tape falling off, bow askew. What the hell does one do with that mess?
For a long time I felt mad, and over the years I just could not shove it into the dark or bend the hurt and anger into something worthwhile. Sometimes when my guard was down, the feeling faded into the background, but it never really left. Just lurked out there, waiting. Unresolved.
I mean, my path is highly unusual. I get it. I have a son from some miracle of miracles and then the train went off the rails. Trust me, I know how fortunate I was. Once.
But let's get real- secondary infertility often drives odd judgement from others. I try to fly under the radar and brush the naysayers to the side. I run into them often (and they are always fertile beings, ironically).
No, I am not always happy with what I have. Does that make me a terrible human being? No. It means I am being truthful and allowing myself to feel the disappointment- and, without disappointment, the joys in life just don't shine as brightly.
It's okay really. But what stings the most is never knowing when "to be continued" turns into "The End."
That sentence can be short, or painfully run on.
No ending in sight.