And then, standing still.
So still I can hear my own breath and it sounds so loud in my head that I am sure whomever is on the other side of the door can hear me as plain as day.
I spent some time recently on one of those "dream" websites. You know, the ones that define objects and common dream themes. Apparently, my locked door dream is a symbol of avoidance and much of the interpretation has a lot to do with whether you are on the locked side of the door. Locked side = shutting ones self off from someone/something.
It dawned on me that I have developed an avoidance of many things over the last few years. Whether my mood is up or down I still practice the art of avoidance.
I guess I've always been a little withdrawn. Even in earlier years I was always comfortable with people and experiences- having anxiety initially, but once I warmed up I was outgoing and gregarious. I always had that shy girl inside me, but I was 60/40. Sixty percent outgoing, forty percent reserved.
Infertility was the fuel on the fire that turned that ratio upside down. Now I am more 40/60, maybe even 30/70. I find it really hard, even with therapy, to be that person I was. I have great days where I see the light, and dark days (like today) where all I feel is grief and loneliness. The only place I feel grounded is here, at home, in the company of S. and David. The outside world is a constant source of stress and unfamiliarity.
I still am trying to appreciate myself as a new and improved person (with some extra wisdom and compassion) but I've developed some bad habits that are slowly changing me and not always for the better.
I know my triggers, and spend far too much time avoiding them:
- Arriving on-time exactly to David's school events- it reduces the amount of time I have to mingle with the happy moms.
- Buying baby wipes at my local warehouse store- to avoid trolling down a baby aisle in a regular store.
- Unopened magazines that I just chuck in the trash- (backstory) I had subscribed to a popular parenting magazine for school-aged kids but won't read it after I browsed a few only to realize 70% of the content was baby-related.
- I've gone from that person... a person who doesn't hide a thing about the ups and downs of life to a person that finds it easier to small talk through an entire conversation and engage the fake smile just to avoid and move on.
- Even my Google Reader doesn't go unscathed. I have many friends I've met online over the years, and although I follow and read all their posts, often I feel like I can't comment (or don't want to because I feel like I don't belong).
As many times that I give myself a pat on the back for meeting a situation head-on, there are a million more instances where I tend to fade into the background and avoid feeling... well...
The old adage, "You reap what you sow..." has never been more true that where I am today.
I am to blame for the state I am in. Just me.
And that truth is becoming very hard to avoid.