You all have picked up on my emerging positive attitude, but the funny thing is it's really just me being more like the me I usually am, instead of the bitter infertile I've been shaped into over the years.
I read somewhere recently (maybe one of your blogs, so remind me if this sounds familiar) that if you really look for something you will find it. I'm not talking about the ring that slipped off your finger at the beach, or the cheesecake recipe you misplaced in the kitchen...
Say you wanted to see a rainbow... logic says the best time to "find" one is after a storm, when the rain clears and the sun appears. That happens a lot no matter where you live geographically, but how many times to you NOTICE it? Probably just on chance, as I did last week when I opened the sliding door in my family room to rescue a plant that had fallen over from the wind. When I looked up, there it was. A beautiful rainbow. That could have happened many times before, but I never looked up.... therefore I never saw it.
But if you were on a mission to find a rainbow, you would look up every time you had the chance wouldn't you? And eventually, you would find it. In fact, I bet you'd find a bunch of them.
The thing about infertility is the ability for it to be a point to point journey that turns into (for some of us) a long ride. A failed cycle is so short in the grand scheme of things, but put all the failed cycles, testing, losses, and breaks together and many of us miss entire years of our existence. Never seeing a rainbow, because we haven't bothered to look. Too tired from the exhaustion, disappointment, and loss to ever bother looking up.
Shuffling through our daily lives just getting to the next cycle and missing.... everything.
This thought was reinforced to me in a conversation I had with my husband over the weekend. It was late Saturday night, and S. decided to enjoy the evening and sit out on the patio to relax with his iPod. I should have been out there with him, but instead I was sitting on the recliner (inside) watching a ridiculous and BAD movie. Half falling asleep.
Just then S. opens the door and says.... "I think I just saw TWO shooting stars!"
Me: "Get out! What did they look like?"
Him: "Shooting stars!" (....DUH)
Me: "I don't think I've ever seen a shooting star...."
Him: "Maybe you just aren't looking for them."
...touché, my dear.
It's just like my S. to come up with something so profound and not know it.
Seems that in addition to thinking positively for this upcoming IVF cycle, I should also start looking for rainbows, because, who knows....I just might find one.