Often, I think about infertility and the sheer madness of all of the emotions around it. The highs are so high, and the lows are just shattering. Rarely is there a middle ground.Back around my 2nd/3rd miscarriage (who's counting, right?), I remember writing a post about trying to not put my life on hold any longer. I started planning vacations for whenever I felt like it, and S. and I no longer thought of the distant future, because trying to plan our future was like searching for a specific grain of sand in the ocean... it was just pointless.
Footloose and fancy-free, we started making plans inviting the heavens to rain on our parade. Somehow it seemed logical that if we made/PLANNED our lives this way we'd laugh one day when we were suddenly caught with a new baby and a bad circumstance (oh my, we'll have to cancel that $10,000 non-refundable dream cruise!... oh no, now that we threw away the baby gear... looks like we needed it! Let's just buy a REALLY small car... hell, we don't need it!)
But you know what? Tempting fate hasn't worked that well either.
So, with this IVF cycle looming close on the horizon, I am a bit annoyed that I MUST clear my calendar for July/August. Ok, maybe annoyed isn't the right word. Maybe it's worrisome. Because all my previous plans never worked, so I am already looking ahead at failing because it requires that I make a PLAN. And hell, I've already proven that planning=failure.
I know, not a fabulous mindset to start this with.
But among all of this... for some crazy, unknown reason I feel like I could be on the cusp of something big. I don't know where the feeling is coming from. Almost as if I am teetering and swaying JUST A TOUCH closer to having a little bit of (I'm not gonna say it)... okay, but just this once... luck.
How in the world could this wave of positivity surround me now? After everything that's happened... how in the world am I capable of feeling like the tide could change?
Eternal optimist? That was something I always defined myself with. I lost so much of that recently, but to my surprise, the optimist in me is STILL there... just covered up with all of the intense emotions I have had to endure over the last three years. But it's there.
I think I am just starting to understand that even if my life isn't how I planned, maybe it CAN be okay if I just give it my best shot and roll with it.
Maybe I need to stop PLANNING and forcing all this reverse psychology on myself.
Maybe I just need to let go. It's the one thing I haven't tried yet, and maybe it just might work.
