Moving up and out

David's last day of school was only this past week. His school year ended late and also was extended due to a weird HAZMAT scenario (yeah, don't ask... too complex to describe) that occurred about a month ago which resulted in the kids being off for a whole week. AFTER they gave back the "snow days" we didn't use with the mild winter.

Genius!

I have a 4th grader now. That sounds a little scary, no?

David ended the third grade with straight A's all year long. Considering the rough start we had with him at the beginning of his elementary schooling, I am so proud of my boy. He even received "Student of the Month". OMG.  He obviously takes after his mom, right?

In local neighborhood news, a Wal-Mart opened a mere stone's throw from my house.  After hemming and hawing a good deal (and whining... why?  whyyyyy? not a Target for crying out loud?!?)  I decided to check it out.  I've since been there 3 times in the last week.  Don't judge me.  It's still new.  The crazies haven't shown up yet.

In personal upgrade news, I joined a gym.

Really, no joke!

Trust me, this was years in the making.  Stepping foot into a gym was one of the scariest things I've done in a long time. I even have a personal trainer. Well, until my complimentary sessions run out anyway. Then I either have to pay up to keep him, or be left to my own devices with my "personalized plan". I've actually surprised myself with what I can do. I even mastered figuring out how to turn ON the equipment, so that's a plus. There's a weight circuit too, and even if I don't take on a dedicated trainer, that circuit is staffed all the time. Which is great because I think it might take some time to work up to setting my on weights and seat positions. And let's face it, even having the illusion of a hot trainer responsible for my wellness is better than none.

I kid.

The net-net of it all is I feel I am in good hands, and as long as I show up my minimum 3x per week, I may just start seeing the skinny girl that has always lurked inside me itching to get out.

 Maybe?

 

Run-on Sentence

This is not a post about grammar. Certainly not from a former business major.

I hate ambiguity. I hate 700 page books (although I read them anyway) because I want to rush to the end. I micro-manage my life to receive the biggest "bang for the buck", in the least amount of time of course.  My usual mode is get from point A to point B.  It works for me.

My infertility journey, not so linear. Pretty much a never ending book.

My story is different than many that walked the path before me and alongside me.

There was no success, no "graduation", no closing of a book in a defined timeline.  My journey ended with a big question mark followed by a ...  as in, to be continued...  but for how long?

Some days I almost forget how I got here, and other days it hits me square in the face.  On the worst days I encounter a random event that feels much like a bandage being ripped off from a fresh wound.

A friend of mine is having a very complicated and extended ending to a miscarriage of sorts, similar to one of my losses years ago. It brings me back to a place I hate to go. Uncertainty, irony, sadness, anger, and impatience at the world. Oh, how I feel her pain.

Today is one of those days I am rolling in the muckity-muck. My heart feels raw for all of us that don't get the happy endings and neatly wrapped gift... rather those of us who get the loosely wrapped present... paper ripped, tape falling off, bow askew. What the hell does one do with that mess?

For a long time I felt mad, and over the years I just could not shove it into the dark or bend the hurt and anger into something worthwhile. Sometimes when my guard was down, the feeling faded into the background, but it never really left. Just lurked out there, waiting. Unresolved.

I mean, my path is highly unusual. I get it. I have a son from some miracle of miracles and then the train went off the rails. Trust me, I know how fortunate I was.  Once.

But let's get real- secondary infertility often drives odd judgement from others. I try to fly under the radar and brush the naysayers to the side.  I run into them often (and they are always fertile beings, ironically).

No, I am not always happy with what I have.  Does that make me a terrible human being?  No.  It means I am being truthful and allowing myself to feel the disappointment- and, without disappointment, the joys in life just don't shine as brightly.

It's okay really. But what stings the most is never knowing when "to be continued" turns into "The End."

That sentence can be short, or painfully run on.

No ending in sight.

Walking Weirdos

Photo Credit: caioschiavo via Flickr 

The zombies are coming!

First it was the dude in Miami that ate the face off another guy, now there's weird stuff happening in my own backyard in Jersey.

This guy was apparently trying to stab himself to death but he didn't die! Weirdo was throwing his entrails (ick!) at the police! And, get this... he was resistant to pepper spray.

Zombie Apocalypse may be closer than we think, people.