The Wheel

Somehow, I found my way to watching the VMA's on MTV last night. I had just sat down on the recliner after mulling around and cleaning the kitchen.

Man, I was tired.

No sleep from the night before after standing guard during the hurricane (we survived just fine, btw, save for a few hellish tornado warnings). I felt like my weekend had passed in a blur. The whole week for that matter.. so many natural disasters!... so little time.

Anyway, I tuned in just as Beyonce was rubbing her newly pregnant belly. Of course, I'm sure she's a nice and deserving mother-to-be, but I will freely admit that the image really hit a nerve.

As a knee jerk reaction I posted this on Twitter:

And then... I put down my iPad and cried.

It has been a long time since I had "that" feeling. It's as if the world shrank into a teacup and I could feel my body sinking into it.  It's been a long time since I registered such an intense reaction from a purely random event.  You would think several years after stopping infertility treatment, the pain would be a little less raw, but no.  It was a hell of a lot more like ripping a band-aid off an open wound at sonic speed.

I failed.

I can never redeem myself from the fact that I failed! I walked away from failure (although it felt a lot like running at times) and on days like yesterday I feel like I am barely capable of even crawling.

But worse than that I still suck at not letting my emotions overtake me when I see someone happy and pregnant.  There is no amount of self-discovery, therapy, or nachos that can deaden that insane feeling.  It's ridiculous.  Why can I not move on from this??

I am a hamster on a wheel, always chasing, running, hoping to get somewhere and ending up back where I started.

I wished so hard that this feeling would go away, and I can say with certainty, now, that it will never go away. 

And I am just so damn tired of living with it.  So fucking tired.

Stormy Weather

Well, I am writing to you, presumably, before the electric company says I am to lose power and quite honestly I am also wondering if the end of days is here.

So, to recap the last 7 days...

We had 9 inches of rain about a week ago. The house didn't float away, but I really thought it might... our adjacent neighbors had water in their basements and several cars were underwater. We had but a trickle of water in the basement, and thanks to the pack-rat in me, a strategically placed bucket captured about a quart of water. Oh, who am I kidding... It was a bucket I shoved into the closet 2 years ago. But it saved a wet carpet.

Then, four days ago, a 5.8 earthquake shook the Eastern seaboard. And my office here in New Jersey. It freaked me out only because I thought something was wrong with me... I was suddenly nauseous, then noticed the building I was in was swaying, along with me, my chair, and my 2011 calendar on the wall.

Then... Today.

Irene.

So, really... are you kidding me? Now, a direct hit from a hurricane??

I really feel like I should have paid more attention to the warnings from Nostradamus. Or, perhaps zombies are the final sign.

I spent the last day reading about hurricane preparedness, freezing ziplock bags of water for future use, and fighting traffic and insane people for a few cases of water and a manual can opener.

And, then, to top off the madness... I received a recorded phone call from my electric company, TELLING me that I may as well kiss my power goodbye tonight. Oh, and by the way? They may not get around to restoring my power for an extended period of time.

I've decided that they are either being meticulously proactive, or idiots.

Meanwhile, it started raining heavy here about an hour ago. I sit writing to you via my iPad perched on my recliner. My house is about 35 miles from Atlantic City. Our county is not under mandatory evacuation, but I can sure as hell do the math since the evil eye of Irene will be passing us mere miles off the coast. I am more than mildly concerned.

We are ready (I think) and I am praying for the next 24 hours to go by fast. They say the worst will be during the night. I guess it's better everything will be at its worst in the dark. I really don't want to witness 90mph winds with my own eyes.

And, when the time comes that I lose power... I guess the silver-lining is I don't need to notify my electric provider. Apparently, they are shitting bricks waiting just like me.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Beach Bummed

Well, July just flew by.

As promised I present you with photographic evidence of my spray tan. It looked great (ignore my mean face). Even coverage, no streaks, and no orange glow. I methodically used the blocker lotion on my hands, feet, knees and elbows as directed... and it was easy. Would definitely do it again, and especially for a unique occasion. For those of you who asked, the tan was via VersaSpa (not Mystic) and I chose the medium tone. I am intrigued to try the dark tone, but a little scared. Maybe on a week I know I don't have to go anywhere just in case.

So, l took my new tan on the road to Hilton Head, SC for our 10 day vacation. Didn't you wonder where I went?

We had a great time, as usual. This is the 6th year we've made the 12 hour drive. Sure, there was bitching and moaning being trapped in the car and dreaming of an exit on I-95 with a Starbucks, but the pain is worth it in the end when we see the sign that takes us to our home away from home.

David was like a boy obsessed this year. For one, he couldn't wait until he got the opportunity to go crabbing off the pier at the resort. He and hubby caught five blue crabs (catch and release), and they were in heaven. I particularly don't get the enjoyment of standing in the sun over a creek with fish smell lingering in the air, but to each is own.

Secondly, after David spent a week trying to make friends at the pool, he met a girl (insert oohs and aahs and curious eye rolling here). Is this when it starts, age 8?? Really? Goodness. Unfortunately, their courtship was short-lived.. she left the next day. However, he had a ball and I got a new friend too... her mother is the same age as myself and through conversation I found that she had her daughter via fertility treatment. We traded war stories, and it was really unexpected.  It was like meeting a mirror image of me, and so glad I got the opportunity to chat with her. Thank goodness for Facebook to stay in touch. Sadly, David is left only with a picture of himself and his new friend-  plotting how he might charter a boat to see his southern sweetie. I am still trying to help him understand that TN is not on the coast. lol.

We spent most of our days poolside, and if you follow me on Twitter, I posted a few pics along the way.

We were almost too lazy to spend time physically ON the beach. Too much preparing and effort. Plus, I admit it, I hate getting sandy.  Hate it.  However, we did take walks and collected seashells.

The thing I love about HHI is the relaxation factor. It's the only place I've vacationed where I feel truly rested.

After all the turbulence this year, I wanted that feeling more than ever. Problem is, once I shut down it's hard to boot back up. We got home on Monday and I've spent the last 48 hours walking into walls and navigating my foggy brain through the day.

The reality of being home was kind of a downer. You all know the feeling. Back to the grind, and to-do lists.

Speaking of  to-do's, I am making a doctor's appointment for myself this week. Been feeling off for the last few weeks and some oddness going on with my fingernails looking weird and my hair falling out in bunches (has been for the last 6 weeks). The hair loss is worrying me.  Really bad.  I am asking for a thyroid panel at my regular doctor when I get in, among other things. Surely, five years of shooting up hormones hasn't affected my endocrine system, right?!? I can only guess the crap my body is going to give to me now after putting it though so much over the years.

For naught of course.  Another post for another day.

So, I am back, sort of. Give me a minute and a latte and I will be ready to rock and roll.