Kismet

I had a random conversation with an acquaintance recently, someone that I know to talk about general "stuff" but not ever connected on a personal level. Actually, two people but I need to explain each in its own context.

I somehow knew this person and I would see eye to eye. Kind of that "feeling" that there is more under the surface. I've become very guarded in my conversations lately, I don't know how to explain except to say that I have found a peacefulness in quiet. Maybe reflective is a better word.  What's different for me is I've spent a lot more time listening than talking to family, friends, and strangers.

So it was an odd occurrence when this person asked me, simply, "you look deep in thought, how are things?" And the conversation ebbed and flowed right to the heart. Somehow in 10 minutes we went from talking about our sons to infertility to adoption. She is me. Her life story is a reflection of shared pain and relief.  Forty minutes of talking to someone who not only "gets it" but sees (outside of the job related stress) the part of me that no one notices. She saw through the hardship and saw peace.

How cool is that??

Ironically, acquaintance number two was a mom I met at a sports practice. We sat next to each other watching our sons and started to chit chat. Her son ran over to sip a bottle of Gatorade and I immediately noticed he looked much different from her. I must have smiled a certain way, because as our two boys ran back to the field, she turned and gave the knowing look. For those in the ALI community you get it too... she knew. "Are you an adoptive Mom?"

The answer, "well, not yet..." .. and the conversation ensued.  I smiled driving home the two miles from there to here.

There is goodness in quiet.

And I am thankful that the universe knows it too.

Awakening

The last two weeks have been crazy. Sort of like being on a rollercoaster against your will. I love rollercoasters, but imagine being on one for 24 hours a day. Every time I catch my breath on the way up, I know the next steep drop is just seconds away. Then, my eyes closed, hands clenched...my head is screaming.. "no! no. no. no....argh, no!!"

Terrible analogy, I know, but the only way to describe my new job.

I feel like I bit off more than I can chew. I had a meltdown of epic proportions last week (yes, tears too) and the weeks events have left me reeling. I've awakened each day to a headache and heartache I can't get rid of. I haven't eaten. I feel drained.

And then the thought occured to me that, even though this is all new to me and I should probably give myself a break for being the newbie, there is something else going on here. Something that won't get better with knowledge, training, and time.

Perhaps my need to a new role was less about needing a change in my current tasks and more about a lifestyle change.

I know, great time to realize this. But I guess this is how things go sometimes.

Truth be told, I won't say I made a mistake, but I will say I probably gave lip service to how this could alter my ever-confusing work/life balance. Looking big picture, I'm realizing that I am in need of an even bigger change that will take me away from my 18 years invested in the corporate environment. I wish I could say I don't have to work at all, but there's bills to pay unfortunately. That doesn't mean our dual-income family can't be tweaked.

And we will be tweaking.

So I don't want to divulge to much yet, but I am working with S. to devise a plan that will benefit our family and put a lid on the madness. Both S. and I have been in career turmoil for some time, and there's a point when you lose sight of the forest through the trees. That's where we are.

As much as I would like to think that the changes I've made thus far are for the better, there's no harm in acknowledging possible mistakes and re-evaluating.

As usual, life is subject to change....

Book Tour: Life From Scratch

Hungry for more.

I just finished reading Life From Scratch, by Melissa Ford. It was like eating a heaping spoonful of chocolate mousse... smooth, sweet, and rich... and then sadness when I got to the bottom of the bowl because I realized I just finished the last bite. This book is Mel's first foray into fiction, and as a long-time blogging friend, I was so excited to read her story about Rachel's new love for cooking and blogging in the midst of relationship crisis.

A group of us are participating on the virtual book tour. Below are three questions from fellow readers and my answers. At the end of this post, you’ll find out how to see what others on the tour are saying too, just follow the link!

In your life outlook, are you a Rachel or an Arianna?

Arianna is the cool friend we all wish we had. She's an expert single mom AND a fashion maven. Oddly, as I was reading the story, I envisioned Arianna as a mix of all the best qualities from the characters of Sex and the City. Carrie's moxie, Charlotte's quirkiness, Samantha's style, and Miranda's sarcastic wit. No, I'm not an Arianna (although on some days I feel like I "could" be). I'm more like Rachel.  A realist, but a dreamer. A hot chocolate and warm sweater girl that is also a risk taker. The more I think about Rachel, the more I like her. She's complicated and complex and carries her heart on her sleeve. That is the definition of me.

If you had a year to do what you wanted, what would you do? Would you learn to cook or something different?

Well, this is an easy one. As a working mom, I have always struggled with work/life balance. Life just feels rushed a LOT, and I often worry that I am missing out on exposing my son to the nooks and crannies of the world. It's just challenging being on the schedule our family has become accustomed to. Back in the day when I was expecting to have at least 3 kids (my, how infertility mucks up plans!) I always envisioned eventually being a stay-at-home mom for some period of time. With the constant change going on in our house right now, that's not very likely. Like Rachel, I've always wanted to experiment more with cooking, but I just don't have the time on my hands right now to do anything other than dabble here and there. But if I had a year off? I would probably take some classes and get my Martha Stewart on!

Towards the end of Chapter 11, Rachel is reflecting on her relationship with Adam when she says “What I really want, more than any other birthday wish I ever made, is to meld what I know now with what I had then and build something entirely new in the process…something potentially wonderful again.” If you could go back to any time in your life and “meld what you know now with what you had then” when would you choose and what would you do with the information you have? What would you tell yourself or what might you try to change about yourself and/or your life?

This question is in my top ten mysteries of life. Hindsight is 20/20 for sure, and if I could go back in time and do the right things with the wrong decisions, and take the good decisions and make them even more positive, surely I would have a pretty charmed life... or would I? The beauty of this story is the lesson that life imprints us no matter what good or bad decisions we've made. It makes us a better person because we LIVED it. Rachel (if she gets back together with Adam) will be a different/changed person. So will Adam. Sure, they can repeat bad mistakes again. But the knowledge gained after every mistake makes us better. I wouldn't want to go back in time. I would only hope that I am presented with an opportunity for a do-over in the present.  Looks like Rachel may get her wish for a do-over too.

To continue to the next leg of this book tour, please visit the main list at Write Mind Open Heart.