Avoidance Theory

I have had a recurring dream over many years. In my dream I am in my childhood home and feeling a sense of dread. I never really understand the "why" of the situation, I just seem to land mid-stream into this nightmare of sorts. Whatever is spooking me sends me into utter panic, running from room to room, locking each exterior door and running to the next.

And then, standing still.

So still I can hear my own breath and it sounds so loud in my head that I am sure whomever is on the other side of the door can hear me as plain as day.

I spent some time recently on one of those "dream" websites. You know, the ones that define objects and common dream themes. Apparently, my locked door dream is a symbol of avoidance and much of the interpretation has a lot to do with whether you are on the locked side of the door. Locked side = shutting ones self off from someone/something.

It dawned on me that I have developed an avoidance of many things over the last few years. Whether my mood is up or down I still practice the art of avoidance.

I guess I've always been a little withdrawn. Even in earlier years I was always comfortable with people and experiences- having anxiety initially, but once I warmed up I was outgoing and gregarious. I always had that shy girl inside me, but I was 60/40. Sixty percent outgoing, forty percent reserved.

Infertility was the fuel on the fire that turned that ratio upside down. Now I am more 40/60, maybe even 30/70. I find it really hard, even with therapy, to be that person I was. I have great days where I see the light, and dark days (like today) where all I feel is grief and loneliness.  The only place I feel grounded is here, at home, in the company of S. and David.  The outside world is a constant source of stress and unfamiliarity.

I still am trying to appreciate myself as a new and improved person (with some extra wisdom and compassion) but I've developed some bad habits that are slowly changing me and not always for the better.

I know my triggers, and spend far too much time avoiding them:

• Arriving on-time exactly to David's school events- it reduces the amount of time I have to mingle with the happy moms.
• Buying baby wipes at my local warehouse store- to avoid trolling down a baby aisle in a regular store.
• Unopened magazines that I just chuck in the trash- (backstory) I had subscribed to a popular parenting magazine for school-aged kids but won't read it after I browsed a few only to realize 70% of the content was baby-related.
• I've gone from that person...  a person who doesn't hide a thing about the ups and downs of life to a person that finds it easier to small talk through an entire conversation and engage the fake smile just to avoid and move on.
• Even my Google Reader doesn't go unscathed. I have many friends I've met online over the years, and although I follow and read all their posts, often I feel like I can't comment (or don't want to because I feel like I don't belong). 

It has been so very, very hard.

As many times that I give myself a pat on the back for meeting a situation head-on, there are a million more instances where I tend to fade into the background and avoid feeling... well...

...feeling anything.

The old adage, "You reap what you sow..." has never been more true that where I am today.

I am to blame for the state I am in.  Just me.

And that truth is becoming very hard to avoid.

Idiot 101

I have off from work today, so trying to take advantage of the day alone to house clean and prep for Thanksgiving.

It's also one of those comical days that could easily be made into some funny yet god-awful Will Ferrell movie.

Take, for instance, my attempt to show the classy side of Shelli... and instead of just whipping out a wrinkly tablecloth to put on the Thanksgiving table, I decided to IRON the tablecloth. AND the napkins. Oh yes people, I spare no expense on turkey day... it's all first class around here. So as I am ironing an incredibly LONG tablecloth my cat decides that as I iron and push the fabric to the other side of the ironing board, he is busy making it into his bed. You would imagine my surprise after I declared "I'm done!" only to look on the other side and see my cat clawing into said tablecloth. Ugh. As I pull him off, his claws take fabric with him and he's in full sprint down the stairs with a tablecloth dragging behind him.

Yes, thank goodness I have a backup tablecloth.

Next, a trip to Starbucks to buy some Christmas Blend coffee (thank you Starbucks, for using the word "Christmas" and not changing it to "Holiday"). This blend is my favorite coffee, and the only time of year I clean up the actual coffeepot (I usually use my one-cup Keurig). So, I buy a pound and decide to get a Gingerbread Latte, but the barista must have gone foam-crazy... as I exit, I squeezed the cup lightly to hold the door for someone, and SPLAT... foam shot out of the cup and onto my shirt and chin. I HATE when that happens! Not to mention I looked like a fool.

As I am driving to another errand, yet another OMG moment... our main road in town is currently getting paved, so traffic has been horrendous with lanes being blocked off. Why they insist on doing major roadwork on the DAY BEFORE the day of Thanksgiving is beyond me. So, my side of the road is reduced to one lane (normally two lanes on each side separated by a divide). Imagine my surprise when I spy an old woman DRIVING IN FRONT of a steam roller in the CLOSED lane making tire tracks on brand new asphalt. Workers were waving at her frantically to stop and get out of the lane. What did she do???

She slowed down and waved back at them.

Aaaaahhhh, the fun has just begun. Just wait until the hi-jinks as I prepare Thanksgiving Dinner on Thursday.

This Thanksgiving, I am thankful that I still have my humor, and that even though I had some close calls today, I am still not as big as an idiot as that woman driving on freshly poured asphalt.

Erasing the footprint

I've spent a lot of time lately pondering the digital footprint.

I am leaving behind quite a long trail as I continue to blog and communicate via social media. Many of you have wondered why my posting as decreased here. It's not intentional. Well, okay maybe it is.

You know when you get junk mail? How many of you just toss it? Or do you black out your name on old magazines and shred everything? I guess I am somewhere in between. I figure anyone can obtain my address and phone, but the big key for me is staying as far under the radar as I can.

The reality is, I worry. I've tried to maintain anonymity to some extent. For the most part I've succeeded. Many of you know my real name, but it's only because we trade e-mails, are FB friends, or exchange holiday cards. I'm careful because I am a visible corporate citizen by day. I am a tad jealous that many of my blog friends use their full name, but the difference is I am not building a brand or self-employed as a writer or social media maven.

I'm just Shelli.  Working mom, and Chief do-it-all of the BagMomma house.

I don't want David to look back and be embarrassed by anything I've posted here. I've also wondered when the time comes that I should stop posting pictures of him. I'm not naive, and don't want to go off topic... lord knows there have been plenty of opinions on the topic of posting children's photos in the public realm. My stance has always been in the middle. I don't post anything, written or photo-wise that I expect might be ripped off and cause harm to my family.  I leave my thoughtful writing elsewhere, where I am completely anonymous, and unfortunately, not on BagMomma.

If you are my Facebook friend, you may have noticed that I am posting less and cleaning house.  I removed the networked blog application because I realized that even though my FB profile is locked down from being indexed out on the web, my name still appeared on search if I "liked" a blog.  Argh!!!  Damn you FB!  I removed 95% of my photos too.  I didn't have much out there, and my photos were viewable ONLY to my friends on FB, but I didn't feel comfortable leaving them there for Mark Zuckerberg to cache them off into whatever evil plot he has to take over the world.

Twitter is still my friend, and to be honest it's where I am most comfortable now. Even though I know every tweet is being archived for posterity, it is the best place for me to "talk" to my Internet friends, get instant news, and follow the latest social media swarm topic. And, there was this live wire from yesterday.  Oy vey.  The freaks came out in full force, and slammed our humble community in the name of free speech.  I do love how some folks use that argument to justify evil.  I sleep more soundly at night knowing I am still not a crackerjack at the bottom of the food chain. 

It's the little things.

Speaking of Twitter, yesterday I clicked over to a link from Mama Kat:

Her link went to a pretty neat tool I too have used recently which marries your name with your Internet presence to show how exposed you are.  It can be very eye-opening if you've been avoiding the reality.

Or, you can just Google yourself for the nitty gritty.  I occasionally Google my name to ensure nothing squirrelly is hanging out for search engines to feed.  If you don't do so on an a regular basis, you should start PRONTO.  If you are a person with a common name, consider yourself lucky that you still might be able to hide in Google search pages.  Unfortunately, not the case for me.

So where does that leave me?  Well, a little more comfortable that I am taking steps to preserve my digital history and yet, a little melancholy that I have to remember to protect it.

It's the world we live in now.