Monsters Large and small

Since we are swiftly approaching All Hallows Eve, it seems like an appropriate time to talk monsters.

of the green-eyed variety and my monster friend who takes up residence in my closet.

You remember him, right?

On, Internets, it's been a trying month.

First the backache from hell (which is still lurking around), and my husband's crappy job situation, and then... well, I'll explain.

You all know I don't blog about work, and there is a reason I don't. Working for such a large international company has its perks, but the downside is everyone knows someone who works for THE Company, and then there's that pesky little non-disclosure I sign every year that says I will not reveal myself on the Internet or social networking dissing THE Company.

Needing the income and all, I oblige.

But OH, how it is drama-filled. Let's just say I turned down a major (for sure) promotion in my area for a POSSIBLE new job in another area of THE Company which at the time I had only just started interviewing for.... I didn't even know (still don't) if I have the new job... but the risk-taker in me said...

Oh, what the hell! Nothing like jumping into the unknown without a safety net! And now that I have jumped I feel equal parts exhilarated and scared that I burned a bridge I can never go back over.

Then that unruly monster appeared in my head a few nights ago, and said "ARE YOU F'ING crazy woman?? You just turned down a sure thing for a 50/50 shot!!?"

And I've been beating that monster back into that damn closet ever since.

I still can't believe I summoned the bravery to do it, but I still think I did the right thing.. even if everyone else does not.

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Speaking of monsters, I have a sorta green-eyed rant about my dear celebrity co-infertile, Celine Dion.

I am happy she gave birth to her twins. I am happy she emerged on the other side with "her dream" after she went through so much.

HOWEVER.

I am a bit jealous and bitter. Why? Well, for the obvious reasons, but more so that MONEY played a major role in her "success". She has bucks, LOTS of them, and she never once had to refinance her only home and drive her credit cards sky high to pay for infertility treatment.

So many of us have invested our entire savings in an endeavor that is a crap shoot, risking bankruptcy (and therefore often marriages and sanity) to achieve our dream.

Did I go to THE BEST clinic for my treatment? No, I couldn't afford it.

Would I have kept going if I had unlimited funds? YES.

And that makes me sad. For me and for all of my sisters who, like me, had to give up treatment because of something as simple as a lack of funds.

Yes, Celine, you are VERY privileged.

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aaaah, the world is complicated.

Boo.

Five

It's hard to take in a day like today being where I am in my life right now. This is the first time I've posted on this day as a woman that failed infertility treatment.

Past tense.

I am a face of recurrent pregnancy loss. I lost five opportunities to have more joy around our dinner table. Five dreams that will never come true. Each taking a little part of me with them.

Please keep those you love close to you today, and imagine your life if they weren't here.

And hold them closer...

Feeling hot, hot, NOT

I'm not used to being fragile.

Sure, when it comes to infertility-related events, but not as far as my general health is concerned. Yes, I have issues around my weight, but other than that I've managed to stay out of trouble.

I broke my finger when I was a teen, and had a sprained ankle once or twice in my youth. That's about it. I've not had any major illnesses or ailments. In fact, I used to laugh with my husband about the unused heating pad in the bathroom closet. It's been in the box for about 7 years. We joked that when we got old, we'd have a matching set that would get used every day.  We were so amused...

Then last week, I hurt my back.

Twice.

Well, let me explain. The first time I was carrying a VERY heavy load of laundry UP the stairs. You know, one step at a time. Take a step, lift a step, take a step, lift a step. Last step, I extended my arms to move the basket forward while lifting it.

Pop.

Did my back just pop? It was sort of a click or pull.  I can't remember now, but it was an odd feeling.  So I imagined it was nothing and went on my day. The next morning I woke up to a very negligible and dull lower backache. I took some Aleve and it went away. Later the same day, I went to pickup the little guy at the bus stop. I drove the car because it was raining. I got in and out of the car very quickly. So quickly, I realized I twisted my back instead of pivoting my legs to get out.

Ouch. Again.

That night I couldn't sleep. I couldn't find a good position to sleep. My back was killing me. By morning, I woke up and realized very quickly...

I can't sit up. I can't walk. Except I could hobble and crawl. So I did. The pain was excruciating. I made it downstairs to the kitchen with a heating pad and my work laptop. I cried actual tears of pain. I took straight prescription naproxen and prayed.

I stayed in my recliner for 4 days straight. Well, except for bathroom breaks, sanity checks, food, and going upstairs to sleep.

I have a profound appreciation for folks with back problems, because I just became one of them. I cannot, CANNOT imagine those of you who have ongoing back issues and pain. It was the WORST feeling ever. The one-two punch of naproxen and Tylenol did take the edge off greatly. BUT. At some point I got nervous because the pain lingered. And my range of motion was limited.  It didn't last for a day or two or three. It was an entire WEEK. I said to myself that if the pain was still unbearable today I would beeline to the doctors office for an x-ray.

I googled.  Nope, not a slipped or hernitated disc by my rekoning.  I didn't have any sciatica symptoms either.  No pins and needles, no shooting pain.  Just constant low-level lower back pain, that (without meds) was 7-8 on a scale of 10 for pain.

Alas, the pain started to subside a bit on Saturday. On Sunday it felt even better. Today I am sitting upright in my home office chair. A chair I haven't sat in for a week.

Now that I've been sitting here for about 3 hours, I am starting to feel strain, so after I finish this post I am going to park my ass in the safety and comfort of my recliner.  With my heating pad.

Heating pads are awesome. And I finally wore out the one that had been sitting in the closet for all those years.

I need to buy another one.

Maybe two, just for insurance.