Not Okay in OK

I really do not like to bring up certain hot button topics on this blog, because I am very much a non-confrontational type of person.  But when I read this post from Mel today, I just about fell out of my chair (for the second time in a week no less).

Seriously, this is out of hand.  The State of Oklahoma has tipped the slippery slope of abortion rights down into a hellish vortex.  Now, if you are a woman in Oklahoma choosing an abortion it carries two new perks.

1.  You will be belittled in front of medical professionals.
2.  You will be treated like a child and denied information about your pregnancy if a doctor sees fit.

And if you are wondering... there is no exception for rape and incest.  A state senator described the passing of this into law as "A good day for the cause of life..."

If this can happen in Oklahoma, it can happen in your state.

Scary beyond belief.

What If

What if...

I can never be happy again?

Before the days of infertility, there were great days, excitement, opportunity, blue skies, and hope.

Today I am mired in a web of not-so-great days, anger, hopelessness, and jealousy.

It has been 6 months since I ended infertility treatment for good. That sounds a little freeing saying that. Because until recently, I didn't know if I was REALLY done, or just standing at the crossroads biding my time. But I AM... it seems.

I am done.

Five years later, five miscarriages later, I wake up in the morning with the same thought, each and every day... just around the time I am staring into a mirror and putting on my makeup...

"Is this sadness ever going to leave me?"

I stare at the circles under my eyes that I never had before. I make peace with the fact that my face has aged ten years in five. I put down my mascara and walk into the third bedroom upstairs with an empty crib. The crib now better served as a storage space for junk. Just like my body.

Junk.

I navigate though the work day as my island of peace. A  place where I can work, and work, and work and completely avoid personal conversations. It's all business. I can put on a good face almost as if I did not have a care in the world. That, is, until a pregnancy announcement from a co-worker sets me over the edge...

I attend school functions with my only son. My "only". I listen to the Moms with half an ear because I am not interested in the conversations of fitting in manicures between carpooling their multitudes of children.  I don't want to see the look of pity on their faces when I answer "that" question...  "do you have any more children?"

My son asks why he doesn't have a brother or sister. On a regular basis. I try very hard to explain the truth that an (almost) seven year old would understand.

It kills me a little more each time I say it.

I wonder if I can ever get back to that place before I became one of the millions of women affected by infertility.

I wonder if any of us will truly recover from the disappointment that plagues us. Even the lucky few that conquer the beast are never really the same.

Never the same.

I WANT to be happy again. I want to lie down at the end of a great day with that fuzzy feeling that all is right with the world.  I still can build my family in other ways.  Or, I can choose not to.  The reality is infertility cannot be the sum and total of me, or my decisions.  It cannot define any of us.

I can choose how to move on from this.

I want to enjoy life. I want to use what I learned through my experience to help others.

The aftermath cannot dictate that the journey was pointless.
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Understand infertility: Visit Resolve.

National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) is April 24th through May 1st: Take Charge.

Want to read about others "What if's?":  Connect @ Project IF.

Photo Friday: Blue Jeans

The theme this week is blue jeans. So, I had all intentions of trying to snap some great picture of a pile of my jeans. But then, I couldn't seem to get my cats to not be interested in the camera. Each frame had a tail or a partial cat head or ear!

When I looked at the couple of snapshots I took, I kept coming back to these, in which Riley the cat decided that he MUST be in the picture.

Not what I intended, but funny nonetheless.

If you would like to join in the fun, catch the theme post for the week, and then post your own photo on Fridays and link back @ Cali's blog.

Careful what you ask for...

You know what would be really good right now? A venti non-fat latte. Something with an obscene amount of caffeine to kill this bad headache I've had for two days.

The funny and totally ironic part of today? I was working on a project for work earlier, simultaneously trying to talk on the phone and resolve, oh, about 15 issues and my laptop locked up for the bazillionth time.

My reaction was to slam down the lid and throw my hands up in the air. I think the words I shouted into the sky were... "Ok, I give up! Is that all you got??!"

At that exact moment a crack of thunder rolled over the house and I fell back (a little too far) in my desk chair.

Next thing you know I am face up looking at the ceiling.

I guess I got my answer for the day.

Photo Friday: Electronic light source

I recently purchased an SLR camera. Oh lord, you have no idea how long this purchase was in the making! I started shopping cameras more than a year ago, but I couldn't afford it at the time as I was otherwise being smothered under medical bills. But finally, I have a tool for my new hobby.

Calliope has a cool new concept, "Photo Fridays", and the subject is all things mundane. I love it. There is so much beauty in the mundane- not to mention it gives me a chance to learn and perfect my technique with my new camera!

If you would like to join in the fun, catch the theme post for the week, and then post your own photo on Fridays and link back @ Cali's blog.

Don't laugh.... this is my first submission.

The theme:  Electronic Light Source

 

Letting go

... is not something I am good at.

I doubt there is enough therapy in the world to fix me. I am flawed, this I know. Maybe I've come to know my flaws better as I've gotten older. At least I'd like to think I have.

It would be far too easy of a life if we were all forever young. Youth is a luxury... short-lived and fleeting. Imperfection is overlooked. Decisions are made on a whim. Regrets are few.

Then, you get older. And it seems... everywhere you turn is a regret. Why didn't I do this or that? What was I afraid of? What was I thinking?!*??

Eventually, you dedicate a lot of brain space to the missed opportunities, bad decisions, and heartache. Heartache given AND received.

Then what do you do?

That's where I am right now.

I think I've used the analogy before of walking in quicksand with rain boots on. Every step is hard. Every time I try to walk forward, I am fighting the suction of the mud against my boots. Constantly being sucked back into the earth. Eventually, the boots get stuck permanently. So I step out of the boots. Naked feet and legs. For a nanosecond, I am free. Happy. But now I'm dirty. And because I gave up the protection of my boots, my feet and legs are exposed and raw. When I get to where I am going, how am I going to get cleaned up? Will everyone laugh at me and pity me... the girl with dirty, bare feet?

I am coming to grips with understanding now that I have to stop looking backward and start looking forward.

But it's damn hard.

After all, I am different now.

The problem is no one knows this but me. My life is not a secret, my infertility- certainly not a secret. This journey has made me a little bitter, absolutely. It also made me so very compassionate.  But others see what they want to see, don't they? The imperfect girl with dirty feet.

Imagine that, gaining empathy for others (something I did not have at all in my youth) but losing the shiny! sparkly! me that others expect to see.  Or I should say, the "faux" me.  Because, let's face it- every day isn't so rosy with xxxx's and oooo's and flowers and unicorns.   I now allow myself to feel the feelings, and not make excuses for it.  The reality is, that doesn't look so appealing to everyone around me, because it forces the mirror to reflect back.

Heavy stuff.

I wish that all people had a life experience that rocked them to the core... not because I am sadistic and wish any misfortune to others, but rather to level the playing-field. Remove the judgement and misconceptions. Add a little humanity to the mix.

If I had to do this all over again, of course I'd change a few things. But now that I've lived this life that was chosen for me, I wonder what my life would be like without the last 5 years in my muddy boots. 

Maybe the person I could have been would be a worse version of me.

I have to believe that to be true.  Because it would be a real downer if I lived though all of that for nothing.  I admit it-  it's hard to let the negative emotions go, but at the same time I will hold tight to the thought that this path is not meant simply for regrets.

Disappointment, excitement, failure, great achievements, sad days, happy days...

and yes... a sprinking of unicorns.

Dreaming of me

I've always been a vivid dreamer.

My dreams are in color, I can remember small details, I always "know" when I am dreaming, and most of all... I've become very perficient at knowing how to wake myself up from a dream I don't like.

I'm not sure how I figured out that last part. As a kid, I had a lot of nightmares, and my trick (back then) to waking up was first realizing I was dreaming, and then closing my eyes in the dream and pressing my belly button.

Viola! My bad dream cure.

Except sometimes it backfired (and still does), when I manage to think I woke myself up but realizing I just forced myself into a parallel dream state. Even when I wake from a horrifying dream, I need to stay awake for at least 10 minutes, because I can easily slip back into the same awful dream.  Great, right?

Last night I had a particularly bad dream. I was stuck in some sort of pit, and snakes were chomping on my limbs. You see, I hate snakes. Like Indiana Jones, when I see a snake in my dreams I think: "Snakes! Why does it always have to be snakes?!" It's my anxiety dream of choice.

So I manage to wake myself up (or so I thought). I sat up in bed, breathed a sign of relief, and just when I thought I was home free, a snake appeared under my covers. Argh! Worse- I had a heck of a time waking myself up. When I did finally, I jumped out of bed and stood in the middle of the room praying that I was really awake. ala Paranormal State without the demon in the house.

I was awake... but the fear of lying back down was too much. So I rocked back and forth and willed the nightmare away before I slipped back into bed.

I'm not sure how I was blessed with such a jabberwocky brain. Or if there are many people like me, or if I am a class unto myself. I've pinpointed that my dreams are stress relief for me. It's a way of my working out the cobwebs nestled in the far corners of my head.

I just wish I dreamed more about good things than bad.

The irony is my dreams have gotten a little more nightmarish in the last 5 years (oh, duh!) no doubt due to the constant state of stress I've managed to wrap myself into.

I had always liked to blame the infertility medications on my active imagination, but now that it's been 6 months without any artifical substances in my bloodstream, I guess I can't.

The key now is to channel the negative energy away from my sleep ritual.

The problem... I'm not sure if that ever will change.