Literary Lenten Feast

It's that time again for the Lenten season. I will admit that I've been brushing up on my knowledge of all things Catholic as David starts to ramp up for next year, the "big" year, which is his preparation for first Holy Communion. David has decided to sacrifice "chocolate" until Easter, which I think is pretty ambitious for a six year old, no?

Well, either that or very crafty considering he knows Easter guarantees him chocolate. That's my boy... always thinking ahead.

His class has been working on a little project... each day for the next month the kids all get a turn to bring home a bear for one day. The purpose, two-fold... to carry around the bear while they do good deeds. The next morning, they each write about their experiences in the same journal, include a picture, and offer a prayer.

Yesterday, was David's day.   Behold, the mind of a first grader...

how did he get this old so fast?? {sob!}

 

Solitary

solitary: 1sol·i·tary
Pronunciation: \ˈsä-lə-ˌter-ē\
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English, solitarie, from Anglo-French, from Latin solitarius, from solitas aloneness, from solus alone
Date: 14th century


1 a : being, living, or going alone or without companions b : saddened by isolation

Last night I had a very weird dream. I don't remember much about it in its entirety, but what I do remember is waking up and feeling like I solved a great mystery of life.

In this dream, somehow I ended up sitting at a round table with about 10 people whose faces I did not recognize. We were talking about fears. I didn't feel scared, but rather... melancholy. Someone commented from the other side of the table that their worst fear is death.

My response was immediate, almost as if the words were just falling out of my mouth without my lips moving...

"I am less fearful of death, and most fearful of being alone."

It was nano-seconds later that I woke up, with those words still hovering in my head as if I said them aloud in the waking world.

I thought about it in the shower and and it was perfectly clear that as much as I would not like it to be so, it is my primary motivation in life.

It is the reason for everything.

As independent as I've led my life, I've let that fear mow me over in recent years. But when I look back to the choices I've made thus far, it's been the driving undercurrent all along...

...how could I have not realized that?

This therapy adventure has certainly opened my mind in ways I had forgotten about, or didn't have the key.

Specific to infertility, I am realizing that my want to complete my family has a lot to do with this one specific fear. The motivation has little to do with "kicking infertility's ass" and more to do with surrounding myself with people I can count on. People that my son can count on that will still be here 30-40 years from now. Let's face it, when I get old and if S. isn't here, I do not want David to be alone. I don't want him to have that burden.

I may be projecting my fear needlessly onto him, but it's something I think about more often than I should. This is probably the only reason I haven't truly given up. And if I am being honest with myself, I will never be able to move on until I feel comfortable that David has a sibling. Someone who can't easily walk away, uninvesting themselves when it is convenient.

I envy those that can and have made the active decision to push family-building to the back burner and move on. I've wondered if it is possible for me.

My therapist says I can do that if I wish, but it will take time.
I definitely can envision a life without cycling. I am 99% sure that I do not ever want to walk into a fertility clinic again. 

I am 100% sure that there is a child waiting for me, if I put myself out there.

It is very surreal to me, to know that before I had David, I always had this invisible attraction to adoption. I didn't even know my "fertilty" status at the time, but I had always envisioned something extraordinary for my family. Perhaps I should have listened to my heart many, many years ago.

We are in research mode. No timeline, no stress. We will walk wherever the paths leads.

Life is a highway

I've been feeling a little sad this week.

There's no main cause... perhaps cabin fever had a little to do with it. Each day I wake up and look out of the window to whiteness, I grumble a little under my breath. I'm ready for winter to be over. I'm tired of the snow.

Work has been busy, and I've been plotting taking off some time soon. I feel like my work could swallow me whole if I let it. Last week my company forced a download to my laptop with a software update, and it blew my machine. I called the helpdesk, and when I say "help" desk I am exaggerating. They feined ignorance, and then tried to tell me my home wireless network was to blame (which it most certainly is NOT!) Our helplessdesk is a joke, staffed with people who live in almost uninabited areas of the world and make $1/hr. We are a technology company for goodness sake!  If you have a problem that isn't in their script, forget it.  There is no thinking outside of the box, or the script, as it were...  I wish I was kidding.

I was so mad I was spitting bullets. I worked on the issue into the wee hours of the morning, using Google as my guide. I thought I had fixed it. But unbeknownst to me there was some sort of auto-update that removed my hard work again. grrrrrrr....

On Thursday, I am giving up my car. I love my car (remember when I got it three years ago?).   The lease is up on it, and with recent events (and current events), we simply needed to downsize. As much as I will miss it, I am glad to be breaking free from it.  I spent many days driving it to the fertility clinic and getting my unfair share of bad news.  I cried big tears in that car.  As much as I will miss the luxury, I will not miss the reminder of it.  The funny thing is we've been progressively downsizing our cars over the last 7 years.  Since S. is still in the auto business, we are limited in our choice since we must take advantage of his employee discount.  It's the same make, different car.  Much cheaper.  Better gas mileage. Cheaper payment.  And, as S. proclaimed, thank goodness it's not black.  He hated waxing my black car.

I've also spent some time thinking ahead.  I've not done a lot of that lately...   I found that living in the moment was much less stressful.  But once in awhile, the monster greets me in an unlikely place. 

He found me in the car this past weekend.  S., David and I were driving home from having a nice lunch and David was talking up a storm in the back seat.

"Mommy, Daddy... why don't I have a sister or brother?  Did I do something wrong?"

I just about drove off the highway.  S. held my hand and we pulled into a Starbucks.  It was everything I could do to not start bawling.

I let S. answer because I couldn't. 

I just couldn't.

Moon Landing

It's like the moon splash landed on New Jersey (notice the wall of snow that is TALLER than my neighbors car).

We even broke the snowblower.  Twice.

Perhaps someone played a practical joke and unloaded a couple thousand tons of marshmallow fluff on my lawn.

S. went to work today. I'm not sure how he even made it in. I am still snowed in with the boy. I am working as my internet connection stays connected.  I am eating more than I should.

I am praying for Spring.

Snow enough for ya?

I think somewhere in Blogging 101, there's something about how you should never blog about the weather, because, really weather is elevator conversation and otherwise boring. 

Except if you live in the Northeast this winter. And, by Northeast, I mean PA/NJ/DE/MD/DC. Which is really Mid-Atlantic. Which normally doesn't see snow in the amounts we've witnessed lately.  I think the total thus far, in my area (Philly) is 60" so far, and we aren't even halfway though winter.

First it was Snowpocalypse the week of Christmas, and this past weekend, Snowmageddon. We got 2 feet of snow. 

Again!

It was impossible to measure since the winds drifted the snow everywhere, but that's what the weather people agreed on.  And tomorrow night into Wednesday, guess how much snow is coming?

Uh huh.

So what does one do with 4 feet of snow on the ground? I guess I'll find out soon enough.

Ironically, David has school today. Which is laughable, because the streets are a mess. When I met the bus driver this morning, she had the look of dread on her face.  As she pulled away, the bus bounced up and down as she navigated the giant boulders of snow in the road.

You see, my school district has ALREADY used up all the planned snow days, and has started having the kids come in on holidays to make up for lost time. Today would have been a snow day any other winter. But the school administrators and school bus operators are having heart palpitations about another 1-2 feet on the way (during the week, NOT on a weekend like the one this past Saturday) so they are obviously throwing their hands in the air and praying for a miracle.

In the meantime, I should tell you how FUN it is to drive to a bus stop and have NO PLACE to park, and break our necks trying to get to the bus while dodging impatient neighborhood drivers.

So much fun.

At this rate, I might as well just live in Syracuse, NY... the snowiest city in the U.S.

I'm betting we might just be beating them this year.

Phil, my bestest buddy

You know what's the best thing about being born on Groundhog's Day?

One, everyone always has a good joke to tell me about Punxsutawney Phil (who by the way, saw his shadow today and we are in for 6 MORE weeks of winter).

Two, I have many Groundhog gifts I've received over the years, my favorite being the stuffed creature shown above.

Three, no one forgets to ask me, "Hey, have you seen that movie Groundhog's Day?"  and of course YES I HAVE.  Yes I have.  Yes I have.  Yes I have.

Oooops, seems things are repeating over and over, what gives?   Damn, I am a hoot.

Keen and longtime readers know how old I am today, and I care not to discuss it.  Of course if you are younger than me and haven't lost your vision yet (or are colorblind), the clue is above.

The best thing about today???  I got to see my son give a presentation at school in front of a crowd of people and students, and HE DID IT!  He gave a speech about what he would like to be when he grows up, and my Dad will be happy to know he chose an Engineer.  "Because I want to build things like my Pop Pop, and be THE BOSS."  I giggled so loudly I almost fell out of my mini-chair.

You rock, my boy!

And to top the day off, the Lost premier is tonight!!!  Admittedly, I am one of those geeks that have found sick pleasure in micro-examining the plot twists since 2003.  I am sad to see the series ending, but I am SO EXCITED to watch tonight.  Who's with me???!

It's a great day.  And it's not even noon yet.