Friday, September 03, 2010
I just happened to glance at my sidebar yesterday to realize that today is my blogoversary. Four years of writing in this place.
I'd love to say it went fast, but looking back it really did not. So much happened in the last four years. I guess time goes fast when your having fun, but when you're not...? It moves like the speed of a turtle. Maybe fun is a bad word. Life has been fun WITH the exception of the expanding my family part. That sucked.
This week I had the pleasure of going to my annual GYN visit. Now, if you have been reading my posts over the last few years you know I've had some pretty disturbing visits. I even put off this visit for a few months because I KNEW the practice was moving. Not going back to that old office was a relief of sorts. I don't even remember my visits there prior to having David. All I remembered is the sadness of the visits for each miscarriage. Having had so many and tense/bitter moments there I pondered starting over with a new GYN. But I didn't, and I am glad I did not jump the gun. I have two lovely friends that work there and they scheduled me specifically to get in and out quickly. No loitering in the new waiting room with the large pregnant bellies.
It was the very first visit of a new era of Shelli. There was no talk of infertility or treatment with the doctor (except to say that I am done). Just the standard lady-bits chat.
Now, that I am here, writing this today I look back at the many years of writing, a huge majority of posts were infertility related. A large majority of that cycle related... it's no wonder my posting has slowed over the last year. My identity is changing. It's time to put that part of my life aside.
My readership has changed as well. Many of my on-line friends have disappeared, either succeeding in the place I failed at or just grew tired of the blogging medium altogether. I hate to say it out loud, but I know that many of my readers didn't stick around because I was the sad story on the Internet. They grew tired of my cycle failures and miscarriage totals. Who wants to read bad news over and over??
Let's face it, there's not much to say at this point. I am sad that they do not come back here to comment. I miss them. The ladies I loved so much moved on too... and I am left pining for the good 'ole days. Gone are the days when I was lathered in support. Nowadays I feel like I jilted ex-friend.
For the five or so of you that have held on, thank you. xo If you are lurking, that's cool, but it would be nice to have you delurk so I know you are still here.
While I will still be writing an occasional infertility post now and then, I am moving on. To what I don't know. I am not abandoning my blog, but there will be a time of reinvention this year. A renaissance of sorts. I guess I need to change too, it's not doing me any good to not change.
As a first step, I am removing the infertility stats from my sidebar. I can't stand looking at them anymore. It is just a giant sign of failure I need not be reminded of. It will relocate to my "Infertility Diaries" page accessible above for those who wish to know the history of me.
Sigh...I didn't mean for this post to be negative.
Nobody likes a party pooper. I'm just feeling melancholy today. I've done a good job of censoring myself here, but who am I censoring for now anyway? It's time to change. This I know.
The reality is I love to write. I will keep writing, and for awhile it might seem a little disjointed... but that's where I am. I hope you will all stay, but I understand if you cannot.
Strangely, it seems I have ended up where I started four years ago... which I guess really isn't so bad. Just different.