Christmas Wrap

I can't let the year finish without the obligatory Post-Christmas post. I guess I am off my game this year, because I really don't have many pictures. Damn!  I was busy taking some video, and left the picture taking to S., and well... that didn't work out so great.

Truth be told, it's no secret that I've had a Nikon camera on my wish list for years now, and thanks to "the-expenses-I-care-not-to-talk-about" it's hard to justify buying it.  Just me and my crappy camera for now.

We did have a nice holiday.  All the snow melted from earlier in the week thanks to a drenching downpour Christmas Day, which gives a good excuse to DO NOTHING.  I spent the entire weekend in the house with David and husband, building Legos, and playing video games.  I am now a resident expert of Lego Rock Band for Nintendo DS.  Yes I AM. And proud of it.

This week, while I've been working like a crazed lunatic, S. and David have been having fun.  Lots of fun.    Not that I am missing it all (well, I sort of am) but I am a wee bit jealous.

While I am hip-deep in my financial reporting and firedrills for work, they have been embracing some serious 1x1 male bonding time.  And for the first time in recorded history, they are grocery shopping for me.  ALONE.  God help me.

As New Years Eve looms tomorrow, I had thought about posting my annual why the year sucked bad post.  But that's getting repetitve. 

I've got a lot of bitching to do but not in the mood to do it.

In fact, I have a lot of emotions to share with you all, but I don't want to pay it lip-service.  For now, I am enjoying having my boys (the big and little one) home with me. 

I just can't drag myself into that dark place right now.  Next week, when work calms down, I have a few items on my to-do list.

This year will be the year of healing.

Christmas Wishes

Christmas is forever, not for just one day,

for loving, sharing, giving, are not to put away

like bells and lights and tinsel, in some box upon a shelf.

The good you do for others is good you do yourself...

~Norman Wesley Brooks

 

Wishing you peace and holiday goodness from the BagMomma family.

Snow Week

So if you live on the Eastern seaboard, you all know that it's been a pretty harrowing week weather-wise. Locally, we had abour 26" of snow dumped on us on Saturday, and that snow hasn't gone anywhere since it's been below freezing since then.

David's school was closed yesterday, and now, today and tomorrow as well. All because the township couldn't get their act together and plow the damn roads. We live in Jersey, people!  Not NC or SC. This should be a piece of cake.

So now that David's winter two week break has morphed into the f-o-r-e-v-e-r break, I am a little jealous... I have no days off in the next two weeks (except for Christmas and New Years Day). It's the year end madness at my work, and the downside of working at home for a company that is revenue-driven and December-is-last-call-for-every-nickel is NO SNOW DAYS.

So for all of you that are enjoying the winter weather around here, have some fun outside for me. For my southern friends, and my West Coast buddies, here's what two feet of snow looks like. lol.

25 Christmases Later

So while I was taking a break from work today, I stumbled upon a classic Christmas tune that I LOVE to sing in the car. After seeing the video again (which I don't believe I have in a decade or two) I couldn't sing along because I was laughing all the way through it.

LAUGHING!



Oh yes, it's George Michael and his pal Andrew with a bunch of friends having a grand ole time in the mountains... sipping wine in a ski chalet and giving "come hither" looks to the camera. An 80's masterpiece.

Back when this song was popular, I was a teen in high school and thought George Michael was actually a straight male.

He fooled all of us I tell you!!

He with the Barry Gibb hair and Dentyne smile (If you don't know who Barry Gibb is, or what Dentyne was... well, you suck. No, just kidding. ...ok, maybe not.)

Oh, how this song brings back memories. "Oh, here's this pin! Please wear it. Oh, you tramp, you Flashdance Queen...! Why, I wasted a perfectly good rhinestone pin I COULD HAVE WORN!!  or at least given to someone BETTER than YOU." Pshaw.

1984 was a good year.  I remember Christmas of 1984.  I remember wearing my Guess Brand jeans, and my off the shoulder pink sweater from "The Limited", complemented by my lime green plastic hoop earrings.  I probably just celebrated one of my friends birthdays with a Smurf cake, and I am definitely sure that I had Calvin Klein Obsession perfume on my holiday gift list, along with the soundtrack from the movie, "Against All Odds".

That was 25 years ago. 

I am officially ancient.

Funny Girl

Who watches Glee? Is Sue Sylvester not the most evil incarnation of an antagonist you've ever watched on a TV show? I love the dark humor, almost as much as I loved the rendition of "Don't Rain on my Parade" this week. I think I liked it just as much as when Streisand sang it!!

Pure genius I tell you...

And for those wondering, NO, I am not abandoning my blog. Shifting focus, maybe, but not disappearing. If you dislike my vain attempts at humor, you may want to bail now. At the core of it all, I revert to laughter in times of uncertainty and I do plan on laughing again.  Just as soon as I stop crying.

I do.

I also have my posse of infertile friends to keep me busy obsessing about their cycles (now that I don't have my own to think about). I've got my buds about to become mommies for the first time. Surely you want my unsolicted advice on teething and swaddling, right? And lastly, but not leastly... the rest of you... My  Super-Duper Band of Sisters and Supporters. You've always been there for me, I continue to be there for you.

I end with something I haven't done a lot of lately. Picture time! as we approach the season of many holidays.  Sigh...  this could be the last one with Santa before he's tarnished.  lol.

See?  I'm laughing!

Which way to the exit?

I promised myself that I wouldn't obsess about things until at least after the holiday.

But I am a fool. I don't have that kind of self-control.

I've been poking around. Researching. Contemplating. Reading your feedback. Hanging out on websites, making phone calls to big clinics and adoption agencies.

I had my follow-up appointment with my RE, and well, it was somewhat pleasant and horrifying at the same time. Pleasant in that, I really like the team of doctors there. They've never not provided an answer when I ask a direct question. They have hearts, and are genuinely interested in wanting me to succeed.

We talked about the FET. Dr. Nerd opened my file and we went through every embryology report. We talked about how the donor may have not been the best choice (hindsight being 20/20). I gave feedback on what I liked/disliked about their donor program. We talked options for the future. I walked out with closure, sort of, and that's about it.

The reality is my chances of succeeding are still high if I were to cycle again with another donor... no matter where I cycle.

The bigger reality staring me in the face is that we are tapped out of cash. I could want this more than anything, but there's a point where I need to take into account "the rest of our lives". I can't put our family in financial ruin chasing a dream. There's still a lot of living to do.

Yes, if a wad of money appeared out of nowhere, or embryos miraculously dropped in my lap I would jump on it. But for now, dreaming is just that... dreaming.

Unbeknownst to me my decision has sort of lingering here all along.

I would have loved to make a dramatic exit out of the land of infertility, emerge vicoriously, flipping the middle finger on my way out....but this story ends quietly for now.

Not necessarily closing the book, just bookmarking it if I ever choose to return.

Close, but no cigar...

I've been thinking about my miscarriages.

Well, the loss is always on my mind... but I am thinking lately from a different perspective. I've come to the conclusion that the drive to keep going is due, in part, of almost succeeding.

Think about this. If you play the lottery, and you spend $10 on one of those mega jackpots and LOSE, it's easy to just walk away thinking "maybe next time". You might play every week, but the money lost is secondary.

So, continuing with this analogy... what if you were a finalist in a huge giveaway, and you had a 1 in 4 chance of winning the jackpot. And then maybe the pool is whittled down to JUST you and someone else. You have a 50% chance of winning.

And you lose.

Does it hurt more than that 1:1,000,000 chance? Yeah, it does.

To come SO CLOSE and lose? It's a blow to the psyche.

Now, think of yourself having those great odds in the second scenario, and picture yourself losing five times in a row.

It's no wonder I'm screwed up.

I mentioned that S. and I are weighing options. Well, truth be told we had maybe two conversations about it and then decided to wait until after the holiday to get down to business. I am damn tired of of all this ruining the last 4 Christmases. Sick of it.

In fact, I was scheduled to have the follow-up appointment with the RE today from my failed FET. I rescheduled to next week simply because I don't want to talk about it today. Nurse T basically told me that my insanely poor thaw was a first for their clinic. That my bad luck was a random occurance that never happened before IN THE HISTORY OF THE CLINIC. I decided to make the consult with Dr. Nerd and lay it out on the line. Just not today.

Drilling it down:

Another Donor Cycle
We are all cash now. No insurance. If I am crazy enough to lay down a wad of cash, I'm going to do it at a better clinic. I've done some inital research, and am pondering a couple clinics within driving distance from Jersey. One intriguing option exists at Shady Grov.e in the DC area. If you cycled there (especially if you did the Donor program) I want to hear from you. Likewise, if you cycled at IVF.NJ.

Adoption
This is not an alternative to Option #1, in fact, we are leaning heavily this way at the moment. I researched the hell out of the International route about a year ago, and let's face it... there's nothing going on there. Even for the countries we qualify for, the wait is excruciatingly LONG.    I can't do that.

Domestic adoption is something we never really explored in-depth, but we intend to dive in. There are some local agencies I've heard good things about... but if you have a recommedation... PLEASE e-mail me!

Embryo Adoption
This is the least costly of the options, but considering my last disaster of an FET, I am not hyped up about this at all. Too much legal crap and money for a low odds of it working.
__________

Of course- our last path is stopping treatment, halting the bleeding out of money, and hanging up our hat. It is reality now, and as much as I wish it wasn't... it may be our final decision to escape the infertility hamster wheel for good.

So much to ponder...  so much.

Got any lottery tickets??