I Want Candy

Day two of bedrest.

So with the incredibily suck-ass news yesterday, I forgot to update you all on the flu situation here at the house.

David, yes, is an H1N1 victim (as is a host of kids in his school). This morning, as I was sipping coffee and eating a peanut butter cup (don't judge me, the coffee was decaf, and the candy, well, wasn't.. it's Halloween week for goodness sakes so what better time to eat candy than 7:30am??)

I digress.

So, David is starting to feel better. He still has a fever, albeit a low-grade one now. He's out of school for the week, which means he misses all the Halloween parties so he's already guilting me into a toy from Target this weekend.

Meanwhile, S. and I have no symptoms. However, I began taking Tamiflu as a precaution (recommended because of my situation). Can I just tell you how EVIL Tamiflu is??? Tamiflu makes you feel like you HAVE the flu (minus the fever). What the hell hair-brained idiot thought that one up? I should have read the damn prescription dossier before I took it.

In any event, my goal is to stay healthy.

I cannot guarantee, however, that I will not consume the entire bag of peanut butter cups. I will attempt to balance it out with a salad or two, don't worry.

Thank you all for you kind comments and e-mails. It is because of you that I have any shred of humor left today.

I've decided to not think about what will happen if this doesn't work. Well, I know, sure.... it's a giant road sign that screams "THE END", but I figure I'll spend the next week pretending it's not there.

The Lone Ranger

My bad luck follows me like a stray dog.

They had to thaw all 7 remaining embryos, and of those, only ONE made it through the thaw.  My clinic has a 70% thaw rate.  There I go beating the crappy odds once again.

I'm disappointed, sad, and generally pissed off.

The one that made it is "extremely good quality", so says embryologist. I know it only takes one, but let's face it... the odds are already slim that an FET will work at all, and now I just decreased my odds even further.

My journey... it's so close to the end.

And now I have 48 hours of bedrest to ponder it over and over.

Dammit.

Down with the sickness

Because, really... could this week even be more drama and suspense filled?

Little D has the flu. His symptoms started last night and evolved into something closely resembling H1N1. They are treating it as that because, well... it's too early to be the seasonal flu, and he did have a regular flu shot a couple weeks ago. Process of elimination I suppose. S. took him to the doctor this morning for official diagnosis.

Half the town was there.

In speaking with the ped office and his school this morning, it seems Jersey went from the fewest cases of swine flu to a zillion in just the last week.

So far, S. and I are well. No symptoms for either of us. The house has been sanitized, and our hands are raw from repeated hand-washing.  I am waivering between concern for my son and concern for myself considering this is the WORST week for this to happen.  THE WORST.

I just want my baby to feel better.  And I want to not feel guilty for trying to keep my distance because of my own situation.

Transfer for my FET is tomorrow at 11am.

God-willing.

Zultan, the Magnificent

This weekend, we went to a Halloween party hosted by my neighbor, who is the ultimate party hostess. Her house, decorated inside and out is a Halloween showpiece. She spends weeks (yes, I said WEEKS) prepping for the holiday. I wish you could all see it, really I do.

So anyway, she has a ton of rare Halloween items, and one of them is a real fortune telling machine. Are any of you are familiar with Zoltar (from the movie "Big")? Well, she has a tabletop version that is every bit as mystical and cool...  meet Zultan.

Zultan was busy that night giving out fortunes. All you had to do was press a button, wait for the curtain to open, and listen. Most of the fortunes were sort of depressing. Aren't these types of games supposed to be rigged to sway towards the positive??  Come on!

I mean, would you keep playing with the Magic 8 Ball if it only said, "better luck next time", "the future is uncertain", "get lost, you're bad luck" (ok, I made that one up).

But I like to live on the edge.  Was I going to let Zultan ruin my party mood?  Hell no.

So I pressed the button.

And Zultan?

He told me my hearts desire will be mine. My wish will come true.

Zultan, you may be the economy version of Zoltar, but thank you.

For keeping my hope alive.

I needed that.

Breathe In...

Well, this FET cycle sure snuck up on me.

Lining check today and all is well.  Lining is a very cushy 13mm (which is way thicker than last time, I'm not sure if that makes a difference).  Bloodwork also came in right on target.

Transfer is Tuesday.

{Breathe Out}

Here we go again.

Me, me, me

I have a backlog of memes I've been tagged for in the last couple of weeks.  My blogging friend Melissa tagged me for this one.  It's sort of a photo-centric one about your favorite things.  This blog needs a pick-me-up post, so be forewarned...    I am stressed, and my comic timing is rusty:

1. Your favorite beverage:
No surpises here... a venti please.

2. Your hometown:

I am a Jersey girl, but my heart belongs to Philadelphia. As a kid we shopped there (at Gimbels and Lits).  I lived there when I went to college. I had friends that lived there in my twenties. I worked there for MANY years.  S. and I's favorite hangout bar (was) there for many years. And, when I used to travel a lot for work, I lived at PHL (the airport). My EAGLES are there (although they disappointed me tremendously last weekend..argh)! ...and, there's nothing more comforting than a Geno's cheesesteak.

3. Your favorite television show:
Well, duh...!

4. Your occupation:
Chief cook and bottle washer for an IT company. No, you don't wanna know....  and no, that's not me in the photo, but WTF??  Is this like computer geek por.n from the 70's?

5. Your first car:
My 1986 Ford Escort!  It was new, blue, and definitely NOT a guy magnet.  I was, however very safe and the car was small enough to parallel park in the city.  AND since I was one of the few in my circle of friends with a reliable car, I was always the driver.  Always.  My parents would have been proud of my responsible role in college.

6. Your favorite dish:
mmmmm.... crab cakes.

7. Celebrity you've been told you resemble:
No one.  Does that make me unique, or just forgettable?

8. Celebrity on your "to do" list:
I like the versatility of a guy that can bust out a show tune AND rip out someone's neck with claws and still appear totally likeable.  And he's hot.

9. Your favorite childhood toy:
I had one of those Barbie heads..  you know the ones in which you style the hair.    I couldn't find a picture of the 70's version, but you get the idea.  To be truthful, I had everything Barbie- even down to the Barbie Corvette (it was an automatic car I sat in and drove).  I had a Barbie Doll cake for my 5th birthday for crying out loud.  I was a girly girl for sure.

10. Any random picture:
Since we are approaching Halloween, I wanted to take you back to Halloween 2005.  David was 2, and this was a picture of him from a party at his then daycare.  Hard to believe how quickly the years have ticked by.

I'm not going to tag anyone, but if you do this on your blog, link back so I can see some of your favorite things and memories!

Compassion

October 15th is like a ticking time bomb for me. It's a reminder that I am still in the trenches of infertility and loss.  I will always be no matter where my journey ends.

I've blogged on this day over the years, and each time I do... I feel emptiness reflecting back on such sorrow.  For the first time since the start of my infertility journey in 2005, I did not experience a pregnancy loss in the last year.  In fact, I haven't even had a pregnancy since February 2008. 

The RPL'er looking for one good egg now can't even get pregnant with a good egg.

How rich in irony that is.

Please take some time today to consider that while some of us are very much "out of the infertility closet" (bloggers, anyway) that many women do not have a place like this to vent, and cry, and commisserate with others.

Show compassion. 

Listen.

Sometimes the ugliest scars on a person who has experienced loss are not visible.  Sometimes they are hidden very well. 

It does not mean they don't exist.

Peace today to all of my sisters-in-loss,

Weeds

I hate the fact that lately I haven't had much to say lately that was positive. If you all knew me IRL you would know that I am (mostly) a glass half-full kind of girl. Sure, you can beat me down with a stick, but I am like that dandelion that keeps coming back on your almost weed-free lawn.  Resilient.

I am requesting another job within the company I work for (it's pretty much a done deal, just waiting for the final word). I've decided that this is not necessarily a bad thing. Part of my problem at work is the company itself (could go on for hours on this topic), and some of the people as well have driven me to the point of insanity. It does not, however, extinguish my personal flame for wanting to succeed in something I am good at. The fact is, I want to work. Work replenishes me when the chips are down (and they have, haven't they?). I need to work. And maybe a change of scenery would be a welcome change. My ultimate goal is to do something I like, and I have a crazy grand plan in my head. I am pondering a complete career shift. Too early to talk about yet-  still kicking out the cobwebs and figuring out the financials.

Secondly. You all know I HATE starting drama. I just don't do it as a rule. I have enough infertility drama to span a lifetime, so I am never one to pick a fight.

But I am pissed OFF at a fellow infertilty blogger. It was a few posts that set me off into the deep end. I was offended. Twice. I considered commenting, but then I remembered the golden rule... "If you can't say anything nice about someone, don't say anything at all." No, I am not linking or divulging here in this post. It's childish. But I will tell you I promptly removed this person from my reader.

The thing about blogs... they are so personal. Many of us open our lives to complete strangers in the hope that we find a common bond, a kinship with another who has walked our path. So coming into contact with someone that beats down their own kind? Disrespectful.

The world we live in...

Yesterday, we bought pumpkins to decorate and put on the front step.

David spent a considerable amount to time drawing a vampire, a skeleton, and a graveyard with markers on one pumpkin.

He proudly put it on the front step last night.

This morning, we woke to smashed pumpkins on our front lawn. Our ghosts in the tree were pulled down and destroyed.

Looking down the street, I see the vandals threw potted mums and destroyed other neighbors yards as well.

This makes me sad.

How do you explain such crap to a six year old?

The Downpour

Coming off of a stellar week, and when I say "stellar" I say that with the most sarcasm I can muster.

I've been sick since last Friday, with some sort of head cold/sinus infection. I can't even describe the amount of pain I was in over the weekend. I can tell you that I seemed to have passed my cold to S., and David has been acting a little wonky, and wonky=sick is coming. This despite washing our hands until raw, and coating my house in a thin layer of Lysol and disinfectant.

Rule #1: You cannot STOP the germs.

On top of all of this, S. found out his job vanished last week. Poof! It's a veritable Halloween nightmare. It's almost comical, really- that partnered with the news I received recently that my own job is pretty much toast (the job will go by the holidays, along with my sanity) . So we know one job is gone for sure, we are just waiting for the pink slip. Possibly both.

I'm not going to lie. I am steps away from losing my mind. That being said, we are coping. I don't know how, but we are. We have begun preparations for the hurricane of job loss. Around now, I would be starting a Christmas list. Not this year.

I've been diverting my attention with David activities. He has soccer 2x a week, and just started cub scouts (which he LOVES so far). Poor S. had to do both without me this past weekend. I was lounging in bed with a cold ice pack on my head and hyped up on caffeinated hot tea.

I should mention that a sinus infection + Lupron is a bad mix. So for my friends cycling, if you feel a sickness coming on RUN (don't walk) to the doctor for antibiotics. Or suffer the worst headache you've EVER had.

I'm just sayin'...