In two weeks he starts 1st grade. In the meantime, we will be ramping up for school and sharing some serious 1x1 time. I am scheduled to be off for the entire first week of his school so I can sit at home, bite my fingernails, and watch the clock while I wait for bus stop duty.
Next week also starts soccer, and soccer practices. Practice being a new thing this year since he's on the big boy team now that he's 6. Also means more work for me.
When I look at the upcoming calendar for the next few months, it looks overwhelming. I am having one of those moments when I wish I didn't have to work. In fact, I'm back to figuring out if I could swing a leave of absence. The money is not even half the issue (I could survive), it's the fear that I could be laid off in the meantime. Still hanging by a thread as always. S. is also still hanging by a thread at his work too. We try to ban "work talk" because it only depresses us.
Not a time to be part of the "out of sight, out of mind" equation, methinks...
I'm also trying to figure out where to go from here- as in, my mental state.
I am realizing that I have some major issues to deal with that perhaps I cannot solve on my own. I've never visited a therapist in my life (except for the mandatory ones for this past DE cycle). I'm not sure I can even afford one, but I do know that I am not myself anymore. This has been a cumulative effect and really has been building over the years. This last month (failure and scary moments) seems to have accelerated my feeling out of control.
I am sad, a lot of the time. I know that much of my state is temporary (or is SUPPOSED to be), but I am worried that I cannot lift myself out of my funk this time. I'm just not me.
... what to do, what to do...
I just don't know.