The Monster in the closet

This post has been brewing for awhile now- the draft locked in my head wanting to finally be documented to make room for other thoughts.
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I had a dream, not long after the drama in March after Donor#1 failed. I thought it was just the stress talking, a way for my mind to reset...

In my dream I was putting together a scrapbook, all lovely pictures of me, S., and David. As I turned the page there was a blank page just begging for photos. I reached into the pile of photos that remained on my desk.

The first thing that was seemed off was that each picture was black and white. I remember thinking "how odd" but when I looked closer to visually inspect them I noticed there were no people in any of the pictures. They were scenes familiar to me... our backyard, the beach, my family room.

But no people. I became frantic looking for pictures that had anyone I knew in them. But the pile seemed endless, and one after another, each picture was curiously absent of living things. Not even the cats.

I remember having the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach, so in my dream I ran to the two people closest to me looking for an answer. I glided into my kitchen, and S. and David were eating eggs. The table was set for six. But they seemed sad, and again I found that the color in my dream had vanished to a dark grey.

And then the dream ended.

I woke up in tears, and my first instinct was to reach over to S. to ensure he was there, and then I walked off to David's room to check on him. He was sleeping of course. But I sat down in the rocking chair next to his bed and replayed that dream in my head... looking for meaning.

And so began those terrible thoughts in my head after that night.

What is to become of me if this cycle doesn't work???

This is it. This is the last stop in my journey. There is no more after this. No more injections, no more tests, no more doctors visits. No more loans on top of loans. No more planning around a 28 day calendar.

How will I ever become whole again when I've been carrying around years of disappointment and loss like a monkey on my back?

I've been trying to shove these thoughts from my head. "Worry about that when the time comes.." I say to myself.

But each morning it is the first thing on my mind when I awake.

...and it is the last thing I think about when I lie down to sleep.

It's the monster in the closet, behind the door I don't dare open. What is to become of me when I have to turn that doorknob? It's almost like being told you are going to die, but instead of not knowing when.. you have a date.

Because very soon ...I will know.

Heady Thoughts

It's Friday, I am up to my ears in work, and the same headache I went to bed with? Yep, it's still hanging around. I'd love to blame it entirely on the medication, but it's also the witching hour before AF is due (migrane city).

Double trouble as far as I am concerned.

The good news today? The donor got her meds. Case closed on that drama.

Hmmmmm.... this cycle is really going to happen I think.

Rock with me

Truth be told, I haven't thought about Michael Jackson much in the last 10-15 years. With all his oddities and dicey situations, he faded into obscurity for me (well, as much as the King of Pop can).

So the news of his death was sort of a shocking/not shocking thing. Do all musical icons die young? Because it does seem that way.

Anyway, when I went upstairs to remove my makeup and get into my comfy jammies, I turned on the radio.. and of course, playing on every station... an MJ marathon.

I was instantly catapulted back to my youth. Each song held a vivid memory.

Listening to "Rock With You" in the car on our first family trip to Hollywood, CA in, was it '79-'80? We were looking for the stars houses (and the stars... AS IF they just HANG OUT at the end of their gated driveway on Mulholland Drive), but the soundtrack to our trip was Michael Jackson... "Off the Wall." While we were scoping out the Farmers Market and Hamburger Hamlet for Johnny Carson we heard nothing but MJ as our background music.

My brother singing "Beat It" while sporting a red leather zippered jacket with a white glove. The same brother watching a VCR copy (DVD's not invented yet) of "Thriller" over and over and over again. So much so that my parents could do the zombie dance themselves. "Shake you head to the RIGHT! Mom!"

My school dance, dancing to "PYT" with my BFF, Nancy. She had a massive crush on MJ in high school. If she's reading this, I know she's laughing.

Spring Break trip to Bahamas my sophomore year of college... and that wacky little sports bar that had the only 52" widescreen TV on the whole island (hey, it was 1988, come on!). They also only had one music video playing on it.. "Man in the Mirror".

Yep, if we are being truthful, I was never a huge fan of Michael Jackson. If anything, I am mostly conflicted.

But looking back, his music was the soundtrack of my childhood and early adulthood.

So today, I am wistfully thinking that even though I had nearly forgotten about Michael Jackson lately, I am reminded that his music will be something I talk about until I am old and grey.

Love him or hate him, his impact will remain.

The fall of civilization

Well, I took my last BCP yesterday. Just waiting for AF to show. I'll be happy to back off the Lupron a little bit. I've been having hot flashes at night. The headaches, not so bad as long as I keep hydrated.

The donor meds saga was resolved, but not without a minor freakout yesterday that all my work to date was for nothing when ONCE AGAIN a customer service person thought I was paying cash. Thank goodness for my new friend at the other specialty pharmacy who reminded me to remain calm, and then called the OTHER pharmacy to remind them of my insurance details. Ugh, such horrible communication between these insurance agencies.

Anyway, when it rains it pours. Husband and I recently changed over our phone service to the MASTER MONOPOLY CABLE PROVIDER in PA/NJ (we already had internet and digital cable with them), and man, they screwed us big time with our bill. In addition, our phones still aren't working correctly since the initial install. S. has been in charge of that big 'ole mess, and last night just went ballistic on the customer service folks. We call with a service problem that's been ongoing for two weeks AND a bill issue... and what do they do?? They try to freaking up sell us on another one of their worthless features!! Arghhhh! Are you kidding me??

All of my complaints this week are directly related to the US Economy, I suppose. Is is me, or are all of you feeling like you have to fight with service providers more than you used to? I have to be honest, I feel like I have another full-time job just dealing with money-obsessed companies.

What's next? Will my favorite donut shop start not filling my coffee cup to the top to save a penny?

Oh, nevermind. I don't want to go there. That's too traumatic to think about.

Extreme blog makeover!

I became bored with the old blog template. After three years, it was clunky and required a certain level of HTML /CSS knowledge I just didn't have the time or want to learn in great detail.

So back to the drawing board for something easier for me to manage, with headers and links that actually work seamlessly.

With assistance from my blogging friend Calliope (and her awesome header design), BagMomma is new and improved.... and a little more sophisticated. I'm still tweaking, but I am loving the "less is more" design.

If you are reading this via a Reader, click through to see the new look!

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And speaking of cleaning house...

Last call for my eco-friendly giveaway... click over here to enter!

The hamster wheel of pharmaceuticals

So, I am *almost* at resolution with the donor meds saga.

As a public service to my friends with insurance who have upcoming DE cycles, be forewarned! Many of these pharmacies are cranking down on business... hard. In fact, some of the most loved (CHEAP) specialty pharmacies are no longer working with insurance at all. Everything has to funnel through your main mail order/specialty provider- or pull out your wallet.

Blame it on the economic climate, I guess.

Anyhoo, after 4 days of phone calls to anyone who would listen to me, I finally found a person to help me at my main pharmacy provider. She is a gem, I'll tell you... and it took about 16 people in that company to find her.

She had called me merely to check if I had gotten my Fedex box of my own medications, and after listening to my story she took the initiative to work it. She personally called my doctor and they are in the process of sorting out the order. She knew what an egg donor was (the other 16 people did not), bless her heart.. and vowed to personally see that the meds ship out on Monday.

Cross your fingers.

And I thought the 2WW was bad.

Giveaway alert! EcoStore USA

When I am stressed out I like to clean. Yes, I am still stressed out...

But no fear! I have my trusty products from EcoStore USA, and because I am on the edge of going crazy this week I am sharing my new find with all my blogging buds.

Click over to BagMomma Reviews for a chance to win a $25 Gift Certificate!

Thank me later...

Love, Me

Who me? Stressed?

I am practicing to keep myself in a state of zen, but as with most things in life there always is something that goes wrong, right?

My RE ordered up the meds for myself and the donor earlier this week. My meds, no problem. The donor's... should have been no problem.

BUT take the climate we are in economically... where you know damn well everyone is all about keeping their money safe and sound... and guess the fallout and trickle down effect on you and me??

So, the specialty pharmacy gets the donor's order and sees that it is for an egg donor so the first thing they do is test my coverage to see if it works. It does.

Then, they call me and (BECAUSE the REST of the free world is f'd up), they say OUR NEW POLICY is we need a LETTER from my employer or the medical insurance provider to CONFIRM COVERAGE I obviously HAVE!

It must be on letterhead and include all my personal info and a drop of blood. Ok, I made up the blood part.

THEN, this pharmacy tries to strong-arm me to PAY them $3,800 for meds in cash telling me it's easier for me to pay now and reimburse later.

Duh, all because they are risk-averse. Give me a break. That ain't gonna happen.

You can imagine my disgust. And you can also image that it's impossible to procure such a document from an insurance company that has Stepford Customer Service Representatives working for it. Even hard to get from my employer, which I should remind you is crazy huge and filled with red tape.

Trust me, I spent a collective 8 hours already talking to about 20 people.

So I tell my RE "STOP the Insanity!" for goodness sakes, shop the script elsewhere, and don't call me until you find a specialty pharmacy that is more concerned about the patient rather than "CYA" and money.

pffffft...

So it's not resolved yet. I have a monster of a Lupron headache, and I am half thinking I should have continued the acupuncture for stress relief.


Update: Starting to flip my lid... Two other pharmacies, one won't touch it, the other same story. Apparently a specialty pharmacy uprising has begun on DE policies, I guess.
What the hell? Am I the first person with insurance to order donor meds?? This is looking more bleak by the nanosecond.

Something old, something new

This is really starting isn't it? It's hard to fathom, with all the stops and starts that I am really, truly starting my DE cycle. I have my first appointment Wednesday morning for a base u/s, injection "training" (lol, like I NEED that... I'm a flippin' expert by now), consents, and the holy-cripes-there-goes-my-bank-account payment for my cycle.

I'm nervous. So much can go wrong. This is worse than cycling by myself. How do I chase the bad thoughts from my head? I really want to focus on the positive.
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Today was David's first day at his summer camp program (run by his old school he went to for preschool and pre-K). He's going just a few days a week... mostly to have fun (swimming, field trips, crafts, etc)... but also to keep all the knowledge he gained in Kindergarten front and center.
He was uber-excited to go today... talking about it all weekend and in the car on the way there. When we got there he met his old teachers who just love him to death, and a few kids returning for the summer. It was all going so well until I hugged him to leave...

He buried his head between my hip and elbow, and started to weep. I felt so bad!! But I know that this is the age that separation anxiety is at a peak. I specifically picked this program because I knew it wouldn't be a huge stress on him (being comfortable with the teacher and some of the kids), but there's no escaping a six year old that's tough on the outside and a mommy's boy on the inside.

I'm sure he's fine. I'll pick him up today and I'm know he'll have a bazillion stories to tell me and will already have forgotten about the morning.

I sooooo remember this feeling he's having. I was like that at his age too.

Six. On the verge of conquering the world, and yet still wanting to be little and led by the hand.
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Last point-

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Is that hell freezing over?

After the longest wait, I have a tentative schedule. I almost can't believe it myself. Surely, I have stepped into an alternate reality. The only thing bringing me back to earth is that honking big check I have to write in a couple days.

I start Lupron THIS WEEK. Donor retrieval/my transfer estimated around July 20-26.

Can I get a HELL YEAH????

Hoping I haven't bored you to death over the last couple of months... you're still out there right.....? I need all my cheerleaders front and center. weeeeeee.....

Win a free DNA testing kit from 23andMe!

Giveaway alert!

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Hurry... giveaway ends Monday, 6/15.

Last day of school, and a surprise.

David on his last day.

David's last day of Kindergarten is today. Did that go fast or what? It gets me misty-eyed, as I remember my own year of Kindergarten so fondly. There's no escaping it... he's a big boy now.

Over the weekend we had a little family party for David's birthday. He had so much fun he slept until 9am on Sunday (unheard of in this house)! In fact, we spent much of the day Sunday recuperating from a busy weekend.


David and "the cake".

Not much else to report, except to say you'll want to stay tuned to my blog this week.

Why? Well, I'm hosting my first official giveaway, and I know you all will enter, won't you??? You won't want to miss it. The retail value is a staggering $400.

I'm no joke.

The zoo, and a very large totebag...

I remember my first official elementary school field trip. We went to the zoo. I don't remember a lot about that trip, but I do remember we did a lot of walking. Most of the stories are retold by my Mom (she remembers the early days a lot better than I do).

Yesterday, I took off a day of work, laced up my walking shoes, packed a bag that I swore I would regret carrying (more on that in a sec), and joined the commune of (mostly) SAH Moms for the Kindergarten extravaganza of excitement and torture... otherwise known as the "trip to the zoo".

Fifty 5 and 6 year-olds, two buses, and 12 chaperones.

Oh, the bag... I must tell you. I didn't want to bring the Coach bag, so I switched to a Vera Bradley tote instead. The contents? Plentiful for student emergencies. I had wipes, tissues, band-aids, sunblock, water, tylenol, extra clothes, an umbrella, snacks, camera, napkins, and about 5 other miscellaneous items that made the bag so heavy I could have used it as a lethal weapon.

Overkill? perhaps.

But then as I met and started talking to some of the other moms, I realized they were carrying small purses or NOTHING. Which kind of intrigued me.

Let me tell you a little bit about my son's catholic school. Most of these Moms have LARGE families. If you work full-time or have two or less kids they marvel at you like you are some sort of endangered species. So, I have to wonder, why pack so light? I thought they would be the ones hauling the stuffed backpacks and acting in line with the Girl Scout motto... "Be Prepared!" But no, not the case.

So what if I told you I used EVERYTHING in my bag? Oh yes. I administered first aid once (to one of my assigned kids), donated all my napkins to another Mom cleaning vomit, dispensed all my band-aids, and used up my sunblock, used all my wipes (when the bathroom ran out of toilet paper), and donated a shirt to a poor little guy who got sick on himself. I strategically used all my snacks to bribe two kids to sit quietly and stop bugging each other on the bus.

I even became the staff photographer when several moms forgot their cameras.

The kids had a great time, the only downside was the zoo we went to was more than an hour away, so our time actually IN THE ZOO was compressed to three hours (and we had to build lunch in there too).

It was a nice day. And, after trolling the zoo looking at zebras, snakes, and alligators keeping track of a herd of kids (and saving the day with my two ton tote) I think I would qualify as a mom deserving of more than one kid, don't you?

Should I ask my RE to transfer a litter of donor embryos?

Whatcha think? lol.

Fun with Fortune Cookies: Part Two

You might remember this post from long ago when I looked for magic in a fortune cookie.

Consider this the second installment, but much less magical.


Hmmmmm.

Think about it (go ahead, I'll wait...)

Let me say one thing first before we explore the meaning of fortunes. Fortunes are supposed to be HOPEFUL, LUCKY, UPLIFTING.

So I put some real thought to this.

Ok, trees can't touch the sky....

Is this just a statement of fact?

Or rather, trees can't ever reach the sky, thereby never achieving their personal "tree" goals? Do trees have a goal?

ok, trees are people then (those Germans love their analogies, I should know... I am one).

People can't touch the sky. Physically, sure.

Is this supposed to represent dreams/goals PEOPLE can achieve?

Wait, this is seriously turning into a downer. Is this fortune telling me "don't bother reaching for the stars, because, HA! you'll never get there!?"

Oh for pete's sake. What a freakin' buzzkill.

Perhaps the economic downturn has affected the "fortune cookie writers"? I sense a very pissed off employee.

This "fortune" is no fortune at all.

I need a new Chinese restaurant.