National Infertility Awareness Week

So how is it that I almost missed National Infertility Awareness week?

Oh yeah, they moved it. Now I can forgive myself.

I've had a lot to say over the years each time this week rolls around. Hell, pretty much any week of the year.

Instead of writing a long post to summarize why this week is so important to so many of us, I encourage you to read my friend Cecily's post about it.

She sums up every reason why it sucks to be infertile. And how each of us will always carry it with us, no matter when or how our journeys end.

Getting what we deserve

I mentioned before that I am feeling rather challenged lately with the thought that someone omnipotent is in charge of my destiny. With some of the misfortune we've had (S. and I) around fertility, we hear this comment a lot... "There is a reason for everything." As if to say, "God has planned for you to be tortured in your quest for another child, but don't worry... He has his reasons and you aren't supposed to know them."

I really have tried to reconcile my feelings around this, but I am just not making the connection anymore.

I'm sort of having a falling out with my faith.

You see, the part that troubles me the most is an irrational fear that there is a spiritual pecking order. And somehow, I rate lower than a pregnant crack whore.

Ok, that's a bit much, but I used those words to make the example clear.

I have to admit, I just can't believe that something with a higher power would put anyone through such hardship in trying to achieve such an altruistic goal.

Why are there so many women who break their backs to have even ONE child denied?
Why are those of us wanting to expand our family denied?
Why would a child be taken from the earth from a loving family?

Is this the will of a higher power? Really??

I can't believe that. Not when there are teens having unplanned pregnancies. Not when babies are born to parents that have no regard for their children's safety or welfare. Not when every person I meet has "ooops!" babies and especially when they lament their fertile state on top of it.

I don't think that there is a rhyme or reason to anything anymore. It is simply a roll of the dice. Some people hit the jackpot... others end up penniless.

Because if there really was a contest for "Most Deserving Parent" myself and every. single. one. of my infertile blogging friends would get what they wish for.

Crackberries and Crackerjacks

I think I am just easily bored. I've had my Blackberry for about a month now, and I'm already sort of ...over it.

I know, I am such a tough crowd. I think it's the fact that I work for a company that is so technologically oriented that having devices that make me TOO connected makes me feel like I am tethered to an anchor.

Although I have my Blackberry rigged up to be connected to all the information I need, I want it to be a ONE-WAY road. The one where I know everything, but I can stand back and be ...just ....out ...of ...reach to anyone work related. Yes, it's a sickness.

I still drive to places with my Blackberry safely stowed in my purse. I do not have an addiction to looking at it or a need to text someone as I wait at a red light. That's unlawful in Jersey, you know.

Me? I'm not one to break rules.

Want to hear about something TOTALLY lawless?

Yesterday, at D's soccer game, his coach was nearly arrested for bad parent/coach conduct on the field. Without going into too much detail, I was saddened that a coach of a bunch of 5 year olds can't use good judgement. We weren't involved (directly) in the drama that ensued, but let's just say law enforcement arrived on the scene and finger-pointing was a-plenty...

In front of the kids.

Yeah.

Classy.

I could have been a Contender

I spent a lot of time wondering how the results of my test from 23andMe might affect my future. It's weird having so much knowledge at your fingertips.

No, it's not a road map... but more of a "heads up". Sort of like the yield sign on a highway, or caution tape strung around a giant hole in the ground.

Read the rest of this post over at BagMomma Reviews ...my new review blog!

His favorite things

I got nothin'

So please enjoy the latest picture of a boy and his cat. And his stuffed lion. And his blankies. And his monkey.

I promise I'll be back in a better mood tomorrow.

Miserable Monday

Today has just been one of those Mondays.

David returned to school from his Spring Break, and at 7:30am I sat down in my office to get productive. Well, the joke was on me. I couldn't access my work network. Seems my company downloaded code (this is where I remind you I work for a technology company) that blew up my VPN network (which just means I can't get into anything!)

Four hours later on the phone with my company's tech support (I use that term loosely), I finally worked out the problem that chewed up half of my day. Once I logged in, it was as if the floodgates opened with problems.

Work is killing me again.

The only thing I like about it anymore is that I work from home. But recently, The Company (sounds so, Heroes.... doesn't it?) took away the option for me to expense my cable and phone. It's a squeeze play to get employees back into offices. Like I am sure that makes more sense to pay for REAL ESTATE instead of my $50 cable, but whatev...

Not only that but I've been busy documenting my job upon request of management.

Do you smell something fishy here?

On top of all of this, S. is about to lose his job. He works for The A.merican Aut.o Manu.facturer that is about to go under. His management was let go last week. We are counting the days.

I am terrified to lose both of our incomes.

My upbeat attitude went from WAY UP HERE to the bottom of the bucket now that the sh!t is hitting the fan. I hate to be worried, but it is all-consuming lately.

Did I mention I just got another bill from "deadbeat donor"? Was unexpected (I thought I paid to get her out of my head forever, but I was smacked with one more reminder of failure.)

Sigh.

Just one of those days.

All hail the Queen

I didn’t really think that a little bit of spit could give such information.

When my data came back from 23andMe, I excitedly clicked on the link to my data, and there it was… Shelli’s profile.

Read the rest of this post over at BagMomma Reviews ...my new review blog!

Off the hook

Don't stuff your face...
Face your stuff.

When I walked into W.eight Wat.chers in mid January I heard this phrase as part of the first meeting, and it was something that stunned me. Trust me when I tell you, it's hard to be stunned at WW meetings.
How profound is that simple statement?

For those of us who have ever had an eating problem (or addiction of any sort), this is the root of it really. Emotions make us do whacked-out things.

Over the years, I have taken an introspective approach to my addiction of choice... food. I know why I am overweight. I know what it takes to lose weight. I just choose to do it or not do it.

The last five years had taken a toll on me physically. I was down on myself.... lower than the lowest I've ever been.

FAILURE is my trigger. FAILURE makes me sad, and worse... it makes me eat. Food won't judge me like people judge me. Yes, it's the oldest excuse in the book, but it is what makes me tick.

Sure, I wanted to change... but every pregnancy loss, every failed attempt at pregnancy, every job change and shift, illness, EVERY TIME I ran into a roadblock... my body revolted against me. I morphed into my own personal speed bump.

And anyone who has ever been in this dark place knows that it's so goddamn hard to pick yourself up. Sometimes we rely on others to lift us up when we can't. In the end, the buck stops with us. The reality is just as the phrase my Dad has always lived by...

"Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get goin'! "

Over the holidays I had an epiphany of sorts. Even IF I achieved all I wanted I would still be unhealthy in body, mind, and spirit. Let me tell you, hitting 40 was a major wake up call. I had pains I never had before. I felt slower. Things were just different.

I started to think about THE REST OF MY LIFE.

Yeah, heavy stuff.

I made pact with myself that day in January.
1. I will attempt to lead a healthier lifestyle.
2. I won't berate myself for making mistakes along the way.
3. I will nurture ME.

So, how's it been going? Even with the donor disappointment, and my work life on the verge of collapse I stuck to my pact. I feel the emotions, but I am not letting them control me. For the first time in my life.

I am treating myself well. I'm still doing WW, and happy to say as of yesterday, I've lost 30 pounds (still MANY to go.. don't get too excited).
I am walking again.
I started reading again (a pastime I gave up, until I realized how much it soothed me).
I ate an entire cheese steak last week and felt no regret (hence, did not fall off the WW "wagon").
I bought a pair of jeans in a size I have not worn in 10 years.
I made an appointment for a facial.
I now listen to music when I feel my blood pressure rising.
I let myself off the hook for my past.

And it feels good.

Miley Cyrus, The Apocalypse, and the End of Infertility

You know the apocalypse is upon us when I say "Miley Cyrus" and "I cried" in the same sentence.

Are you ready?... I cannot stop crying when I hear that new song, "The Climb" from the overrated teen queen, Miley Cyrus.

You haven't heard it?? I defy any infertile to hear the song and not feel the need to shed a tear or two. Or a hundred.

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

Thank you Miley.

Speaking of celebrities (loosely), I also want to talk about Trista Sutter. Oh, you remember Trista, right? The Bachelorette that actually got married. I like her. She seems like a smart girl.

Anyway, let us dig deep into the BagMomma archives to a post I wrote several years ago, when Trista was talking about her two-year battle with infertility and how the Ov.Wa.tch. helped her get pregnant with her first child.

Then came child #2, soon after (wow, lucky dog!). And now, she's gettin' cozy with another company... (I hope she's getting paid) but this time she's AVOIDING pregnancy.

This got me to thinking. If you've battled infertility at all in your lifetime, and achieved your dream (whether it be 1, 2, or 10 children)... how comfortable would you be jumping into permanent birth control?

Does an infertile ever do that? Really???

I may be way off base, but I am thinking that anyone that's been though a very hard time conceiving wouldn't exactly be running to their OB/GYN to avoid pregnancy. I think I'd sooner jump bare-assed out of a plane with a poorly-packed parachute than do that. Maybe it's because I am not done yet, and the thought of any woman willingly cutting off their reproductive ability is directly mocking me.

Joking of course. Ok, not really.

Look, I don't disagree with it... I just find it.... odd.

If it were me making this decision (lol, like I EVER! will have to) I'd feel like I was playing with the devil. And the minute I really cut things off (so to speak) something would happen and I'd regret it. OR, the Gods (much in the same way they've been torturing me for all these years) would mock my smugness and impart bad juju to my family.

What say you, internet?

I know you all have got to have a lot of opinions on this.

Responsible family planning for infertile graduates, or the equivalent of 10 broken mirrors (70 years of bad luck)?

The Art of Spitting (How I spat)

I was so excited to receive my kit from 23andMe. Anticipating the secrets lurking in my DNA…

But first, I had to get ready to submit my sample...

Read the rest of this post over at BagMomma Reviews ...my new review blog!

News and Tears

I'm off for a four day weekend, although the bad news is the allergies I *thought* I had was the start of some sort of head cold/infection. So, after a sleepless night of 103 degree fever, I am starting to feel better today after 2 rounds of antibiotics.

My blogging friend Cecily was on our local ABC news last night, talking about our new project for 23andMe, and HEY, my face was actually in the story. Check it out here (third story in the segment). Great job Cecily!

Lastly, I have to comment on something that just breaks my heart. A member of my extended blogging family, Heather Spohr, (a fellow writer for the Silicon Valley Moms Blogs) lost her daughter Madeline on Tuesday. Maddie was a former preemie, and had a smile that could light a thousand moons. My heart is heavy knowing she is gone... I did not even know her personally, but the thought of anyone grieving a child sends shivers down my spine. The Spohrs have asked that donations to the March of Dimes in Maddie’s name be made in lieu of sending flowers, ...you can do that here. Also, a PayPal account has been established for the family's expenses here.

Please remember Maddie and her family today.

I am an expert at waiting

I woke up this morning to the same headache I've had for 3 days now. Definitely allergy related. Now I am nursing a sore throat as well due to the post-nasal drippiness. Oh, I hate it when a cup of hot tea doesn't help. It's the pits.

News from my RE yesterday... the donor is scheduled next week for her consult. Pray she doesn't set off any alarm bells. Nurse Vicki likes her a lot, and randomly called me yesterday just to say the donor was excited to get going. This is positive. Let's hope that her Day 3 ultrasound and bloodwork timing works out to my benefit. Worse case scenario, her consult is on Day 5 of her cycle or something, and we have to wait another 4 weeks to run the Day 3 stuff.

Now that I have vacation looming next month, I am starting to want to get out of here really bad. This vacation will be a little odd in that we are trying NOT to spend any money (or as little as we can). Since the vacation is essentially paid for (because it's a timeshare we own) we only have to ante up gas and food.

With S. and my job's hanging precariously by a string, let me tell you... If this vacation was unpaid, we would have surely cancelled it. But knowing we can do this on a small budget, I am happy that we are. The STRESS is so HIGH in the BagMomma house, I can't think of anything but escaping it. Nine days to forget about e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. There hasn't been such a highly anticipated vacation around here for years.

Off to find some more tea.

A different kind of specimen

Ye old specimen cup... but look again...

...it's not what you think!

(do you think I am crazy??? I wouldn't post a picture of that!!)

With all the excitement/roller coaster DE news last week, I forgot to show you this.

Look closely.

That little yellow bead was in David's ear. OH YES, when I took him to the pediatrician last Monday for his allergies, the doctor peered into his left ear and had a look of surprise.

"Something is in there, it's yellow... and it's NOT earwax."

She questioned David about it. He paused.... thought for a second, and declared... "Yes, I put it in there when I was at "X" school..."

"X" school was David's Pre-KINDERGARTEN school. That's right folks, this piece of plastic was in his ear since LAST SUMMER.

Since he never got sick, no one knew about it... not even me (you'd think he would have yelled when I cleaned his ears)! The last time someone looked in his ear before last week was his well visit last May.

This story will undoubtedly be retold for many years to come.

Many, MANY years...

Donor: The Sequel

So I picked another donor. In-house.

She is older (27), already a Mom (recent proven fertility), and seems like a very responsible person, on paper. One of the nurses at my clinic, (let's call her Vicki)... I love. When I sat down in that familiar room and opened up the binder, she and I had a long talk about where my head is at. I gave her the same speech I gave my Donor Coordinator, which was.... I want them to intently determine if this donor is on point from Day One. If they feel any indication of wishy-washyness (is that a word?) or instability I want the brakes slammed down, and I'll move on.

So after I narrowed down to this donor in the book, I had a couple minor questions. Vicki was nice enough to offer up calling her and feeling her out for me at the same time. So she left the room, I sat in silence for 20 minutes checking my e-mail.

When she got back, Vicki smiled. "I think this one is a keeper.... she said she's very interested and ready to go. " Without telling me anything I can't know (the part that sucks choosing an anonymous donor), I saw in her face that this was a good choice. I am happy to take advantage of the money-savings the clinic is giving back to me because of my bad experience.

Assuming this girl passes my litmus test with the donor coordinator at her intake appointment, I guess we have a donor again. Hopefully not a "crackerjack"....(my blogging buddy Kim made me pee my pants using this term... Kim, I'd link to you here if you had an open blog... you slay me...lol).

So after a blessing from the husband last night, we are back on the map for
Donor Cycle #1, Part Deux.

Please, please let this be The One.

Don't try to pull one on me today

I don't think I've ever pulled an April Fool's joke on anyone, ever in my lifetime. Really.

But over the years, my gullible nature has made me fall prey to all sorts of tricks. My husband is the number one offender. He LOVES to pick on me. Most of the time it's because I am not aware that it even is April 1st until he plays some sort of lame joke and has his jollies. After which I smack him on the arm... "Hooooney! Please don't do that to me!"

I think he secretly loves it.

So, my awareness of April 1st today is on my mind front and center. I have my appointment to pick another donor today. Let's think about the coincidence of today being the day, shall we? Do you think it's a good or bad omen?

Oh, and for those of you glued to your TV's yesterday in anticipation of seeing my face plastered on GMA.... well, the bloggers were cut out for the most part except for one of my fellow writers. If you missed it, you can see the segment here.

Did you hear about this computer worm story? I think that's all it will amount to be...a story. Every once in awhile some mega-virus is looming, and nothing ever happens. Working in the field of technology, I can assure you that my company isn't very worried about it. So neither am I.

Lastly, I've finally given in to peer pressure and started reading the "Twilight" series of books. I'm halfway through book one, and still not seeing what all the rage is about. However, I wanted to read the books BEFORE I see the movie.

Movies always tend to ruin good books don't they?