Why I spat

When I was 8 years old, I wanted to be a professional figure skater.

I cut my hair in the style of Dorothy Hamill, and begged my parents for a pair of shiny, new ice skates. When I finally got my skates, I waited for the winter to try them out on the oversized, frozen puddle in the backyard.....

Read the rest of this post over at BagMomma Reviews ...my new review blog.

Tuesday

So, if you remember awhile back, I talked about a cool, new project I am working on.

Well, the "launch" of said project is tomorrow, Tuesday, 3/31.

I will be publishing a post tonight that will be the first in a series of weekly posts here on BagMomma, so don't be caught off guard when you read it (you'll see and appreciate the irony when you get the full story).

Hint: Set your DVR's for Good Morning America on Tuesday morning, 3/31.
You may just see reference to someone you have grown to know and love (maybe hate, but if you do, please don't say anything in the comments, my ego is fragile already).

Tune in, or just come back to my blog to see what the hub-bub is all about.

There's got to be a morning after

As soon as I typed the title to this post, I couldn't get the damn song out of my head. Thank you Helen Reddy, wherever you are.

So, first off... thank you, internet friends and real life friends for coming to my aid yesterday. Some of you even called me at home and sent heartfelt e-mails, and for that I am thankful. I was bursting with the need to talk, and thank goodness I had the opportunity.

The donor was a dud. She has some major mental health issues in her family (and herself) and pretty much fabricated some of her health history. Leave it to me to pick that one, right?

After I stopping crying. , "Whhhhhy MEEEEEEE!" ala Nancy Kerrigan style, I came to my senses yesterday afternoon and called back my clinic.

The news in the morning was upsetting, but after another cup of coffee and some low-fat Ben and Jerry's at 11am (frozen yogurt before noon???...sue me) I once again spoke to Nurse T., who, although at times is sort of an ice queen, really took the time to talk out our options. I thanked her for steering me far, far away from this donor, and looking out for my best interest.

So, back to the book this week. There's been a flurry of additions since last December when I looked at it, so I am going to look at the in-house donors. Many of them are cycling now, and it's possible I can piggyback on after another donor and not have to wait for the pre-requisite testing. Or, I can pick a new donor. Or I can pick from the agency.

So, if you read along in the comments yesterday, I talked about WHY my clinic does not pre-test off the bat. They are a smaller operation, and frankly, they found it costly to micro-manage all their donors before they get put on the list since many of the tests need to be timely, AND the fact most of the donors never get chosen. I appreciate the fact that they offer in-house at all. For one major reason.... MONEY. By choosing in-house, I am shaving off $5-6K in admin and donor compensation. They never discourage anyone going to the agency. They are just trying to keep the cost down to their patients.

The question boils down to time and money. Now that this donor is out, I am anticipating vacation in just over a month from now. And after this, HELL YEAH, I am going on vacation. So for me, again, time is not the issue. I am perfectly fine with my chosen donor doing her testing and ramp-up while I have my toes in warm sun and sand for 10 days.

For my pain and suffering, my clinic is waiving all pre-testing fees and halving their admin fee if I go in-house again. My choice.

So, there we are. I think I learned a very valuable lesson though this, and the way I choose the donor is going to have nothing to do with physical traits or age, and everything to do with life experience, proven fertility, and stability.

Here we go again. Hang on.

Apparently I have not suffered enough

Donor is out.

After all the waiting, I am back to nothing again.

I am fucking tired of being disappointed. The world keeps turning, and I am perpetually left behind. This time I didn't even get a chance to fail!

What did I do to deserve this sick kind of torture?

I can't even form words. I am heartbroken.

Narcissus Interruptus

I'm not a gardener.

I always wanted to be, but I have all of the will and none of the ability to do it.

I love my daffodils.

They are like a dependable friend. Each March, they spring to life no matter how harsh the elements are.

They are the symbol of wealth and good fortune.

They multiply, which to me is a feat in itself since I myself am so bad at multiplying.

They are beautiful, even when my son picks them for me and leaves no stem to put in water.

They are a sign of hope, and the anticipation of abundance. The sign that the dead of winter is over, and a new season of life is ready to begin.

Petulant Monday

Some random and totally unconnected thoughts for this Monday.
Are you ready? I am about to do a little ranting.

The Mortgage Mess
No, I'm not going all political on you. Well, maybe a little. I just have to get this off my chest.

Husband and I are refinancing our mortgage. Mainly because (hello!) rates are freaking low, AND we have a home equity loan (used for the infertility medical expenses) which carries a pretty hefty payment. Responsible citizens that we are, we are restructuring our loans because it makes financial sense.

So, I am watching a news show last night, curiously... about The Mortgage Mess. Perhaps you saw it too. Anyway, I am watching this show with my husband, and my blood starts to boil. This show features a few families "caught up in the housing meltdown", now destitute with their homes foreclosed. They are all playing the victim... THE MORTGAGE COMPANIES failed ME they say. THEY APPROVED ME FOR A LOAN I could NEVER AFFORD they say. I DIDN'T READ the LOAN paperwork, they say. The GOVERNMENT OWES ME, they say.

And I hit the roof. I am so freaking tired of people putting their mistakes on the backs of others. Anyone heard of PERSONAL responsibility? Do these people NOT have a family budget? If you clear $1,600 a MONTH in salary and were approved for a mortgage of $2,400 a month do you not have the brain cells to DO THE MATH???

And now, begins the bailout of these people who have NO RIGHT to be bailed out. And who pays for these folks making bad decisions? ME. I might as well stand out on the sidewalk in front of my house and hand out $100 bills. I am so incensed.

Way to teach your children the fine art of blaming others, my fellow citizens.... ! Way. to. go.


The Annoying Soccer Moms
If I need to overhear one more conversation between ungrateful Moms complaining about their kids, I am just going to lose it. I was hoping a random soccer ball would fly up and knock some perspective into their small heads. The have no idea how fucking lucky they are.


...ok, rants done. Ooooh, I feel better.


The End of the World
I live between two major Air Force Bases. My house isn't on a direct flight path for the commercial jets so it's unusual to hear air traffic 'round these parts. When we do, it's military planes and helicopters. But not often. To me, they are distinct because they are so LOUD. Anyway, all weekend, there's been something going on in the skies above my town. Specifically, the last two nights I thought The War of the Worlds was outside my window. Do military planes do training at night? I swear it's so bizarre.

I know one of my blogging friends who have significant others in the military might offer up a comment on this. Please do... is it Training Week or something? Or should I be looking out for giant Octopus looking creatures? lol.

East, meet West

Well, I had my first acupuncture appointment yesterday. It was sort of what I expected... but with a nice surprise.

In the waiting room, pictures of babies. Lots of them, in a book. A brag book of sorts, with letters from patients who were LIKE ME. Infertility flunkies. Used to disappointment, but very adamant that acupuncture was the key to their long-awaited pregnancies.

JD, acupuncturist extraordinaire, was very knowledgeable about his craft. He walked through my health history in more detail than an doctor ever did. Asked me about my "feelings" through my infertility journey. And gave me a starting tutorial on the yin/yang (pronounced "yong".. who knew)? and the history of Chinese Medicine.

I found out my movement of Qi (pronounced "chee") is less than optimal when it comes to my spleen (official Chinese diagnosis: deficiency of spleen Qi). Not to mention the probable affect of my heart/blood disharmony.

Have I lost you yet?

I have to admit, by the time I laid down on the very comfy table listening to the sound of the many "water features" (fountains) in the room, and the soothing music I was wondering what I had gotten myself into.

BUT, there was "something" my body reacted to when he began placing the needles. About 10 minutes in, I felt my body start to melt into the table. I would qualify the sensation as very, very, VERY relaxing.

Perhaps with my hectic life, I took advantage of lying on a table in such a serene environment and, just simply, "detached" and became relaxed. But after I rose from that table and walked out, I felt like I was walking on air.

Coincidence?

Time will tell. I have another appointment next Tuesday, and it appears I've finally found the magic bullet to at least zap that anxiety and tension out of my body, momentarily at least.

Whether it helps me in my DE cycle, who knows... but for now, I am feeling like this is a very good diversion.

Ancient Chinese Secret

Well, I made my first appointment for acupuncture next week.

I have to admit, I'm not totally sold on the concept, but I am willing to give it a shot because I am never one to not try something once.

I had a short phone consultation today, and the acupuncturist sounds like he sure seems to have Chinese medicine down to a science. His speciality is acupuncture for infertility, and he made reference to his clinical pregnancy rate of 75% (which my RE also references on their website). If 7 out of 10 women get pregnant under his care, then who am I not to give it a whirl?

I don't know what acupuncture fees are like across the country, but I was surprised that his fees weren't crazy expensive for my area. I had expected it would cost a lot more, but, hell I could be paying a lot and not even know it. To me, the money is secondary to the possibility of it working.

Let us not forget that my transfer from my IVF last August was horrific. If I can be relaxed through this one, it's worth its weight in gold.

So, I am planning on once a week up until transfer. If this really agrees with me, I can do twice a week in the two weeks leading up to transfer. Acupuncture guy also will personally come to my RE's office day of transfer and do a session before and after.

So... away we go.

And, in a last bit of good news, the donor has her psych eval next Wednesday! AHEAD of schedule.

We are on a roll...

Bullet... Dodged

Thank you for all the comments from yesterday. Today, I am happy to report that the shooting pain is gone... just a dull ache at this point. Still taking the super-dose of Motrin for just today, then I'll back off and see if the pain is gone.

The doctor called yesterday, and the ultasound was negative. I feel like I dodged a major bullet there. Nothing like a life or death situation staring you in the face.

So the question remains, how does one have 48 hours of intense, repetitive (every 5 min) leg cramps if it isn't DVT or trauma? Hell if I know, but if it comes back, I'll be back to radiology for an MRI.

For now we do something I am so very good at... wait.

Speaking of waiting, amongst all this drama going on, the RE called me and said the donor got the "all clear", medically speaking. Contagious diseases and STD's are all negative. Nurse T said she wants the donor in for her psych eval within the next week or two as to not delay this any longer.

With any luck, I should be starting Lupron very soon.

And getting my official calendar of fun.

Scared straight

Where to begin...

Yesterday was certainly a wake-up-and-shake-out-the-cobwebs day. A scary day.

Monday evening it all started around 11pm when I started getting really, really bad leg cramps. The kind that makes you want to throw your body into a wall because it hurts so bad. I got out of bed and tried to walk it off. I thought I had worked through it, but when I went back to bed, the leg cramps didn't go away. They went on the whole night, in varying intensity every 15 minutes. No position made it better... standing, sitting, walking, lying down.... nothing.

After I got David onto the school bus in the AM, I sat down in my office and took Tylenol. Then I Googled "persistent leg cramps" for about an hour. Most of what I read was about everything that I already knew. Night cramps can be a symptom of low potassium or trauma. BUT persistent cramps? Dr. Google and my favorite symptom checker all said one thing. Blood Clot.

I tried to take my mind off with work, but the cramps were still there. So at 10am I called the doctor. I got an appointment for 2pm.

When I got there, I waited for what seemed like an eternity in the patient exam room. I read all the notices on the walls about insurance coverage, glanced at a BMI chart, and learned what various stool consistencies looked like (I kid you not, it was a poster with pictures).

When my doctor came in, she was cheery and noticed my weight was down 25 pounds since I last saw her in November. "Way to go!" She exclaimed. "Now let's look at that leg."

She asked a ton of questions and then measured my calves. The leg that was hurting was bigger. She asked if I was on any meds... and when I said BCP's her eyes went big.

"We need to get you to radiology for an ultrasound. I'm worried... this could be a clot." She disappeared into the nurses room and I heard mumbling "She needs an u/s and doppler NOW. ...DVT (Deep Vein Thrombosis). Call around and see who can take her right now."

Ten minutes later, I had a doctors note in hand driving to radiology while trying to contact my husband and Mom to coordinate getting David from the bus stop.

S. ended up meeting me and drove me to the lab. On the way all I could think about was how serious a situation I could be in. I googled DVT that morning so I knew that a clot was seriously bad. It could break free at any moment and travel to the lungs as a pulmonary embolism for crying out loud!

I was freaking out.

Since I was a fill-in emergency appointment, I waited longer for the u/s (thank YOU, broken and F'd up U.S. Health System) to the point that I thought I might just walk out and go to the emergency room across the street.

Finally, I was subjected to a very long and tedious ultrasound in a very cold room. I flexed my foot and tightened my abs a zillion times while the u/s tech took pictures and measured blood flow. The woosh-woosh sound coming from my blood coursing through my body reminded me of something else... and it made me cry.

By this time, it was late and my doctor's office was closed. The u/s tech took pity on me as she walked me out. "I know your doctor probably isn't open honey. It will take us an hour to dictate and fax the report. You know I am not allowed to give you results... BUT, if I thought it was of an urgent nature I wouldn't let you go."

God bless that woman. It didn't explain the pain I am in, but it eliminated my worst fear.

Today, I feel marginally better. The pain is still there. I am taking 600mg Motrin to take the edge off. If I'm not fully recovered by tomorrow.... then we have to dig further.

More tests.

Well, at least it will occupy my waiting time on the DE cycle.

Old habits die hard

Because I wanted it and have denied myself for too long:


And because I had a $250 gift card I decided, well, how about some sandals for my upcoming vacation?

Because I deserve it.

Screw the budget for just one day. I am happy.

True Confessions

I've been tagged with the Honest Scrap award by numerous blogging friends (most recently by my new buddy from onwardandsideways).

So, I feel like I finally have to fess up and tell you Ten Honest Things About Myself:

1. I have always wanted to be a professional ice skater. This is a problem, in that, my previous skating experience is about a total of 5 hours lifetime on a frozen patch of ice behind my childhood home. Being clumsy as a kid, I just never acquired the coordination to achieve the dream. I secretly admire Scott Hamilton.

2. I was a bit awestruck at my friend being an official DAR (Daughter of the American Revolution)! I have a similar, yet decidedly less exciting membership in a secret society. I am a member of The Order of the Ea.stern Star, which is a group of immediate (female) descendants of the Freemasons (my Dad is a Mason). I can't tell you what I do there because I'd break the sisterhood covenant and be burned at the stake (just kidding)! Well, about the burning at the stake part... the OES and it's business is secret to non-members.

3. I've had a lot of run-in's with celebrities over the years while traveling around the country with my job. I hit the jackpot one night in New York City as I was attending a seminar at the Marriott (used to be The Vista Hotel in the World Trade Center before 9/11 sadly). There happened to be a red carpet event the night I checked in. So, my co-workers and I just kinda crashed it. Really, we did!! I met Susan Lucci and discussed her haircare product line, peed next to Joan Collins in the bathroom and had a very nice conversation (at the sinks, not while in the stall, lol)... AND the highlight of my evening... meeting and shaking hands with Lenny Kravitz! Weeeeeeee!

4. I have a new obsession with turkey sausage. It started with my new, healthy eating habits in January when I went back to WW, but now I just can't get enough of it. Sad, I know.

5. My other obsession (no surprise to my IRL friends who read this), my Keurig coffeemaker. I have a collection of K-Cups and exotic coffees, and cannot get through the day without my steaming fresh coffee on-demand. How bad is my obsession? I bought ANOTHER Keurig (the mini one) to take with me on vacation to Hilton Head, SC so I don't have to go without it for 10 days.

6. I used to be fluent in German, but not anymore. I was lucky enough to have the opportunity to attend two student programs in Europe when I was in high school (each 10-14 days when I was a freshman and a junior) which accelerated my "Deutsch", took advanced classes in college and got REALLY GOOD... then I forgot it all over the years. Although I still remember the swear words (kidding.... no not kidding). Could probably get by to have a small conversation with Heidi Klum. lol.

7. I work for a technology company, and sadly, as I've gotten older it's getting harder and harder to keep up with the ever-changing technology. This is somewhat embarrassing. I fully expect my son to start teaching me soon.

8. I have a serious addiction to balancing my checkbooks.

9. I haven't bought a designer handbag in 6 months (the longest I've ever gone without a new addition)... but seriously, a new one is coming soon since I just cashed in for a gift card with my Amex Reward points!

10. I have at least twenty sharpened #2 Pencils in my pencil cup. I secretly love using pencils. It reminds me of my youth. Oh, and I loooove to break open a new book. The pages smell... heavenly.


Now that was fun, wasn't it? I could tag a bunch of bloggers, but practically everyone has been called out for this meme, so if you haven't received this yet... this award is for YOU!

The Rules:
1. Write 10 honest things about yourself.
2. Select 7 other totally fabby bloggers who have great design, great content, or both.
3. List them along with #1 and ping them to let them know that they, too, have joined the hallowed halls of the winners of the Honest Scrap award.

Hurry up and wait

I honestly wish I could tell you this donor cycle is kicking off, but we are still in the rough patch of the waiting game.

The donor still isn't done with the last task to get this moving forward. The sluggish pace is is not purely anyone's fault alone... it's a mixture of bad weather, rescheduled appointments, and the very specific step-by-step process that MUST FOLLOW a straight line.

The RE is done with all the required visits (consults, Day 3 testing, u/s, basic b/w last month), we are just waiting for the infectious disease blood work to come back (donor had blood draw yesterday). If the donor doesn't pass that, then everything is for naught. The last (expensive) task was the psych appointment, which got pushed out because the last blood work got rescheduled.

I appreciate that the RE doesn't want me to incur needless money by doing everything out of order (because if the donor flunks one test, it's dunzo anyway)... but... I am getting a little anxious.

I realize that this is the nature of the beast, so to speak. The anonymous donor I chose is not with an agency (she is from my RE's private list of local donors), so I am stuck waiting for a lot of the screening that would already be done if I had chosen from an agency. There is an upside, however, in that the cost out of my pocket is much less in the long run with the RE handling the show. Not to mention, this donor is ours alone... not a shared cycle with another recipient couple. And, we pay no travel expenses.

The downside is the state of limbo. I feel like a jilted girlfriend waiting by the phone for my boyfriend to call.

I spoke to the Donor Coordinator today, she was very adamant that I can bug her if I feel the communication isn't quick enough. Basically, she's to call me in a few days with the last b/w result. If it's clean, then we move on to the last requirement, and the calendar commences posthaste.

Sigh.

We are so close to getting this show on the road. Please gather all the positive vibes you can and send them my way. I am feeling a little dejected.

How did you get here?

Often, I giggle when reading the keywords that bring people to this site. Sometimes I roll my eyes, or even cry a little on the inside.

I guess having a blog spanning three years provides many opportunities to pop up on a Google search now and then. Some of the most searched items on my blog have little to do with the content of my blog, but that's of no surprise.

My personal favorite, from years ago... "human dingbats". Oh yes, I've met a few, but not of the non-human variety. Zombie dingbats? No, not here.

Of course every time I mention a celebrity or current event, I end up on the radar. I think some people have a Google Alert set up on specific search terms, and if you mention the secret word, BOOM, you get spammed or get a ton of out of line and ignorant comments to a post.

Imagine the horror of someone searching for a po.rn site and ending up on BagMomma. lol. I guess the beauty of discussing female parts over the years can be misleading... can't it?

"5w3d and my boobs don't hurt"

Yeah, like that.

The majority of search terms other than those related to handbags are those infertility related. No surprise there.

But sometimes, the keywords grab my attention, and I wish the person would come back so I could converse with them.

"RE dislikes my weird cervix"
"my stinkin lazy ovary"
"POAS syndrome"
"coming to grips with secondary infertility"
"6w3d no heartbeat"
"over 40 IVF a waste of time"
"pregnancy loss"
"recurrent pregnancy loss and depression"
"why can't I have a baby"
"my friends ignore my infertility"
"scared of d&e"
"losing hope for pregnancy"

I envision the folks googling, like I've done so many times... looking for validation, or someone who has been through what they are going though. Haven't we all been there?

There was a point after my last (5th) loss that I Googled for anyone who had a success story after having so many miscarriages. I knew someone out there existed, I did find a few, but more than that I wanted to find another blog that I could identify with and one that would re-engage hope. Being broken, well, it's also natural to want to find others that know what's it's like to be broken. It's hard to exist in a circle when you are the only one left in it. It's lonely. And any infertile will tell you, when all your blog friends have met the one goal you can't reach yourself, it's also natural to want to widen your circle to find someone still in the trenches.

I wish I had an internet robot of some sort that could help me gather those who happen upon this site by way of Internet search on certain terms. Something that would open a pop-up box to say "Don't leave, we have more to talk about!"

Over the years I've also happened upon a few anonymous posters who left such eloquent and meaningful comments but provided no way to track them down. This is frustrating to me, especially when the majority of anon posters are just trolls looking to pick a fight.

The Internet is a vast place. A place of mostly passers-by sprinkled with some really lovely people you meet along the way.

So if you are reading this post via a search, and you need an ear... I'm listening. Because I've been there too.

Snow Day

Well, the sickness finally caught up to David. It's been nearly 3 years since he had even a whisper of a fever (he rarely gets sick, pretty amazing for a 5 year old).

On Saturday morning he was sporting a 102.5 degree fever, which pretty much carried through the whole weekend. He played the role too... camped out on the recliner, drinking fluids only (begging for a special treat of soda) and lamenting that his head hurt too much to play his Nintendo DS. (That's when we knew he wasn't joking, lol).

Lucky for him, we had a boatload of snow last night, so instead of being off sick from school for the first time, he is off with all the other kids in our area for a snow day.

S. had to leave for work at the crack of dawn, used the snowblower to clear the driveway before he left, but 30 minutes after the snow was still coming down. I would guess about a foot total, but perhaps more... it was so windy overnight the snow kinda drifted everywhere.

David begged me to suit him up so he could play (for a very short time while I shoveled the bottom of the driveway after the plow trucks plowed us in). He wasn't out there five minutes when he shouted shoveling skills to me,

"Mommy, that's too much snow. You can't lift that!"
"Mommy, you're doing it wrong!"
"Mommy, wait for Daddy to come home. He will do it better."

aha, yes. That was the best idea ever. Fortunately, a wonderful man-neighbor saw me digging out, and came over to finish what I started.

So... except for the unusually flushed cheeks (as documented above), David's feeling a lot better today.

And I got in my workout.