Dreamer

I think I dream more than the average person. Or maybe it just seems that way because I remember all my dreams.

Is it true that some people only dream in black and white? And some don't remember their dreams at all?

My dreams are real and vivid. They are in color. And most of the time I KNOW I am dreaming when I am in a dream. Crazy right?

I've had dreams where I experience pain and wake up feeling the pain for a few seconds. I've also had dreams where I wake up and have felt the emotions in the dream SO STRONGLY that I feel like I am still experiencing them.

I have happy dreams, but more often than not my dreams are tumultuous, violent, and sometimes really scary. If I had a notepad beside my bed, I'm sure I could pen the next horror flick with Wes Craven just with the ideas from my dreams.

I also have this habit of waking up from a bad dream, and falling asleep only to be sucked back in to the SAME dream. So, naturally, nowadays if I awake from a really bad one, I sit up in bed for 5 or 10 minutes before I lay down again.

As a kid, I remember having a ton of nightmares. Recurring ones as well. Waking up in a cold sweat and wanting nothing but a good night's sleep. As a young adult, I still had them, but much less. And somewhere along the line I actually figured out that I had the ability to wake myself up from a bad dream as I was dreaming it.

Don't laugh, I can really do it. My secret is acknowledging that I am dreaming, placing my finger between my eyes and concentrating until I am awake. 90% of the time it works. Less effective when I am being chased by a monster with ten heads.

Lately, I've had a rash of nightmares again. Which is amusing in itself because, aside from these I've been sleeping a lot more soundly these days. Not even a stitch of insomnia at the moment.

I haven't cracked open a dream interpretations book in years. But I can usually correlate the previous days events to the dreams. I'm sure if I started a dream journal, I might be surprised though. The thing that totally throws me for a loop is the fact that PEOPLE in my dreams are not often people I know. In fact, sometimes I awake with names in my head, or the strangers in the dream offer up their names. I do write those down... I figure I might make the connection eventually but usually I don't.

I've even Googled some the names I write down, as crazy as that sounds. One ended up a historical figure, and I swear I never heard his name before... but my brain said I did.

I guess I am just a very talented dreamer. lol.

So tell me... how do you dream?

Cool cats

Every once in awhile, I get the question.... "how are the CATS??"

Well they are a year old now (if you can believe it), and have been with us for about 9 months. I can't imagine them not being here, they have been just a joy to have from the day we brought them home last June from the shelter.


Riley is David's cat. This cat lives and breathes for David. He waits patiently for David to come home from school, and proceeds to curl up on the chair with him until dinner time. You cannot imagine how happy this makes me. David never really had a pet that cared so much for him, and I envision many years of boy/feline friendship. lol.

A funny story about Riley's nickname... we often call him Bimwidie. Why Bimwidie? Well, around Halloween last year, David had his "Pretend Veterinarian Kit" out and was playing with Riley. Listening to his heart, and pretending he had a paw injury. He had this little fake prescription pad, and was just starting to learn how to spell small words. Across the top, he wrote the word "Bimwidie". When I asked him what the word was, he said it was Riley. The name stuck. Much like how my former cat was named Luke, but became Mr. Meister Kitty.


Harley prefers me and S. He has managed to channel my previous most beloved cat, Luke, in his behavior and coolness factor. He comes when you call him, can't wait to sit down with us, and nudges me awake in the morning. He's low-key all the time (a total lap cat), unlike his brother Riley who is part daredevil cat.

It's hard to believe it, but we actually managed to take on two new pets in 2008 (after we lost three in 2007), and BONUS! they are alive and well.

There's hope for the BagMomma family yet!

Sick time, Entertainment, and a Bitter Infertile

I am feeling tons better (thank you!) and back to work with my head firmly atop my torso.

The upside to being sick is a lot of couch time, and therefore, a lot of TV time. After copious amounts of channel surfing I've come to the conclusion that regular TV programming is pretty boring and repetitive. There are some exceptions.

I caught up on the Top Chef marathon last week and awaiting the finale. Is it me, or is there something very magnetic about Tom Colicchio? He can cook for me anytime. lol.

I wasted hours I'll never get back watching Celebrity Rehab "Sober House" (is it wrong that I feel sad for Andy D.ick?) and Rock of Love (where do they GET these vapid skanks???)

But my favorite catch-up was Dr. 90210. He may be a master of plastic surgery, but Dr. Rey is a BONEHEAD when it comes to female reproduction. His wife (who seems really sweet, but spends far too much time locked up in their mansion) thought she "could" be pregnant. A conversation ensures where Dr. Rey says (and I am paraphrasing here)... "I just KNOW you are pregnant. You are MOODY and you have been eating A LOT." Wow. Now that is a diagnosis. When the test is ultimately negative, Mrs. (Hayley) Rey adds "my pregnancies never show up on a pregnancy test when my period is due". Apparently she is not infertile NOR a follower of Taking Charge of Your Fertility. For this fact, I am uber jealous, because I am reminded that most women are fertile beings like Hayley, not bitter and subfertile like me. Plus, her husband is a plastic surgeon. I mean, come ON!

I resisted throwing my banana peel at the TV mocking the injustices of the world.

I then thanked the heavens that Dr. Rey is not a Reproductive Endocrinologist. Although, if I am in the market for a boob job and a tummy tuck he's the guy I want doing it.

Perhaps I should take the money for the donor cycle and just get that done instead?

Nah. I'd rather be flabby with a baby in my arms.

Pardon Me, that's just my head falling off

Oh, yes. The post last Saturday filled with joyous anticipation of a lovely, heart-filled holiday?

Crushed by one big bad stomach virus and illness cocktail.

On Sunday, I had a really bad day. Vomiting in the girl's bathroom at my son's elementary school? That could have been a Kodak moment, especially when you factor in the cute little girl who asked me if I was OK while I was trying to wash out my mouth with water from one of those trick faucets that dispenses .05 seconds of water at a time.

Monday, equally as tragic. I had a deadline for work (on President's Day... who makes major deadlines on a semi-holiday anyway???) so I worked in between thinking about curling up in a ball in bed and wishing the world away.

Yesterday I felt marginally better, and then today I woke up with a migrane. Is the illness coming back? Oh, geez. I certainly can't miss my favorite show, Lost, tonight.

The good news? S. and David are fine.

The bad news? My head feels like a nuclear bomb ready to explode.

That would be gross.

I heart U

I'm having a lovely day. No plans, just relaxing on the recliner with my family. Well, not all of them at the same time. That would need to be an awfully big chair. And sooo uncomfortable.

You get the idea.

I am ripping this off of my blogging friend Calliope.

It's been occupying my every moment for the last hour. Thinking of random words that fit on a tiny candy heart. I thought about saying something nice like, "Shel Luv U" or something uplifting and profound. Do you know how hard it is to limit to 4 characters on two lines???

But in the end, I kinda like my hearts simple and direct:

That's right Infertility... take THAT!

14 going on 15

Today is S. and I's 14th wedding anniversary.

To say we are different people now than when we were at 27 years old (as newlyweds) is an understatement. Oh, we've been though a lot. Lots more happy times than sad ones.

And yet the undercurrent in our relationship has always stayed the same....

Best friends.

"The hours I spend with you I look upon as sort of a perfumed garden, a dim twilight, and a fountain signing to it...you and you alone make me feel that I am alive...Other men, it is said, have seen angels, but I have seen thee and thou art enough." George Moore

What, you missed me?

I got a call from the RE today (actually, Nurse T) to say the donor was having her last bloodwork done today (for STD's and communicable diseases). They got back her Day 3 blood work end of last week, and all was well. A beautiful, low FSH and on the money estradiol.

Today I start BCP's and wait. The donor is already on them... won't start Lupron until the psych eval is completed end of this month. The good news is since we are already being primed to start, there won't be much of a delay once we get the go.

Interestingly, Nurse T had more questions for me. I thought I had already gone through them all, but since I haven't signed anything yet they are preparing the paperwork.

Like,

Are you freezing any extra embryos from the donor cycle? ummmm... hell yeah, I'm paying $15k for them, what's another $1k?
Did you make a decision on disposal or donation of said embryos should you not need them/want them at a later date? more of a question for my husband, methinks.
Are you open to a single-embryo transfer, or not more than suggested amount by embryologist (in other words, we need to CYA because of the Octuplet scandal)? My take... I'm not looking for octuplets. I just want a live baby or two please.
Are you open to selective reduction if suggested? I am open to anything that does not put my life in jeopardy, and again, the goal is a LIVE baby. I will do whatever is in my best interest.

Interestingly enough, the RE happened to be standing in the wings on this phone call, and I heard some banter. Then Nurse T says...

"We're thinking of having you come in for another trial transfer. We know your last trial transfer went easy, but your ACTUAL transfer last August was.... um, challenging."

Gee, I thought you'd never ask. My answer, well OF COURSE. And for extra insurance, I get TWO of my RE's to perform the trial transfer and take copious notes because of my complicated (or not?) cervix. An RE wing-man so to speak.

If you ask my opinion, I think they just miss me.

Conjunction Junction, what's your function?

I just hate weekends that are gone in a flash.

This (upcoming) week is just awful. Work is crazy... I have a deadline for a massive presentation that I am not confident I can put together.

Life is crazy, but what's really bugging me lately?

Kindergarten.

Today, a school conference this afternoon with D's teacher. I have to admit, I am stunned that Kindergarten is so... hard. David is struggling a little with his work, and I think I need to take a little of that blame since I didn't realize the serious time commitment over and above regular homework reinforcing the concepts. His weakest areas... sight words and the sounds that letters make (he knows his letters, but consistently stumbles on sounds which affects "sounding out" sight words).

When I was a kid, my reinforcement came in the form of Schoolhouse Rock on Saturday morning TV. Those days, ummmm yeah. GONE.

I have flashcards I made for the letters, numbers, colors, ordinal numbers, sight words, and letter sounds. I printed off exercises I found on the web to help him with his writing but I admit, I spend more time searching for stuff and I can't seem to find what I am looking for which frustrates me to no end.

David has "official" homework 3 nights a week (it's supposed to be a 10-15 minute exercise), but clearly they are delusional because it takes much longer. Hell, sometimes I don't understand the assignment (NOT KIDDING).

I found that the key with David is repetition and repetition. The weeknights he doesn't have assigned homework I review with him, and we do extra work. Maybe 20-25 minutes or so. Sometimes less when he's particularly in a bad mood. And on the weekends, I try to fit in a little review here and there when we find the time. Emphasis on FINDING THE TIME.

But now I am coming to the conclusion that it's not enough. This is a problem. Now I completely understand why some families choose to home school. Because if I have to teach full-time after I am done my regular day-job, that presents a serious dilemma. Let's face it, I need the day job for the money, but my son's education is way more important. Well, except for the "house over the head" thing. Kinda need that.

(Note to self: buy lottery tickets pronto!)

I love teaching David. I love to teach, and if I wasn't doing technology consulting for Big Corporation, this would be a job I would love to do. I just wish there was more time to do it. David needs more of me, and I feel guilty because he shouldn't be struggling because Mommy and Daddy have a crazy schedule.

For the parents out there that do it well (or hell, better than my sorry ass).... any suggestions? Perhaps a favorite book with activities? Home school website? Suggestions how to make the time more valuable? Any hints/tricks?

I feel so scattered at the moment. I really need a new plan.

You HAD to pick a fight, didn't you?

First it was the Octuplet story that got my blood a'boilin. Although I didn't post about it here, most of you know how I felt about that circus via comments to others blogs. That doctor should have his license pulled, and the media given a slap on the hand for their reporting of the story. I didn't feel so much anger for Ms. Suleman, but rather feeling angry that others didn't put the breaks on her ill-conceived (no pun intended) plans.

But now.

Oh, hold me back. I just finished reading a post on Mom Logic that sent me over the edge. In fact, it so made me angry that I had to sleep on this post otherwise you all would be trying to decipher my comments between a litany of four-letter words. Not to say I won't use a few here, so be forewarned...

GINA (guest blogger), bless her heart, is probably the meanest Pro-Life advocate to ever walk the earth.

I respect women's right to choose, but I have little tolerance for pro-choicers
who expect sympathy when they have a miscarriage.

Oh really, Gina?

If you believe that pregnancy doesn't produce a baby until some magic
number (13 weeks? 20 weeks? 40?), then you must also agree that it's ridiculous
to break down in hysterics, set up a memorial website for your "angel," and seek
out a grief counselor when you start bleeding in your first trimester. After
all, you're simply talking about the loss of a conglomeration of microscopic
cells, right?! That's hardly something to cry about.

Oh, no, please SAY YOU DID NOT GO THERE Gina...

Advocate all you want, but don't come crying to me when your hypocrisy hits
you like a ton of bricks. If you are going to defend the right to abort babies,
you don't have the right to be upset when yours dies.

Ok, now I'm pissed. Are you fucking saying that I deserved five miscarriages????

First, before I go all nuclear on Gina's ass... let me say a few things so you all know where I am coming from:

I am Pro-Choice. I do not dislike people who are Pro-Life. In fact, I have respect for anyone who can stand by a belief. Our views are uniquely our own, and we have the right to defend them.

However.... BEING Pro-Choice DOES NOT mean someone is PRO-ABORTION!

Pro-Choice means I don't want the government in my fucking business. It has nothing to do with abortion. Two totally different things, Gina.

Gina, have you ever had a loss? Something tells me that you haven't. It is a soul-crushing event. And regardless of political views, I have empathy and compassion for ANYONE that experiences a loss. The fact that you DON'T tells me one thing... you are a very misguided and evil woman. Actually, you might even be a man for all I know. I just can't fathom someone writing such bullshit.

And, Mom Logic, despite your "disclaimer" at the beginning of the post, I am disappointed in you as a website. Clearly, there is a line where free speech crosses into hurtful vitriol. Something tells me that Gina being let loose is merely a tactic for page hits. Shameful.

Shameful!

Last, Gina, a few parting words... You may think my views are wrong, but at the heart of it, I am Mom and an Infertile. I have a living, beautiful son. I have had FIVE dead babies, each which I mourned and cried for. I have compassion. Therefore, I respectfully disagree with your rant, and hope that YOU NEVER experience a loss. Maybe then you will change your tune and not be so goddamn ignorant.

Gina, you have taken on a portion of the Internet that is much more unforgiving than I.

You better be ready for the backlash. You'll finally get your 15 minutes of fame I know you've been waiting for all your life.

And it ain't gonna be pretty.

And so begins my 41st year on earth

I actually have a rather meaty donor update for a change.

Donor had her Day 3 blood work and ultrasound yesterday, which went "fabulous" according to Nurse T. That means the uterus is looking fine, and the antral count, well, quite suitable and plentiful for a 22 year old.

Can we stop for a moment and reflect on the fact that I may be receiving eggs from someone TWENTY years younger than me? Ok... 19. I don't want to age myself that much.

Yes, my 41st birthday was yesterday. But between us, I'm calling myself 39 again. lol.

So now we await the results from the infectious disease screening this week, and if that's good we pass the second hurdle. Last mandatory step is her psych evaluation in two weeks, and if that hurdle is cleared too, she can begin meds.

From my end? I am to start BCP's in a few days.

And wait.

[insert crickets chirping here]

lol.

It's interesting to view an DE IVF cycle from the recipient's perspective. I'm just waiting by the phone. A whole lot of nuthin' going on.

Except, my weight that is. I'm down another 2 pounds this week, for a total of 17!

Now, THAT is exciting.