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Monday, July 13, 2009

Treading water?

Argh. It's hard to focus on writing a blog post today.

The waiting is killing me. I know if my DC was around, she would be calling and keeping me well-informed. The thing that mostly stresses me out is the fact that she noted that they will only call me if something "goes wrong" or the donor is ready to trigger, otherwise I am left to my own devices.

So you know I'm just hanging out here now NOT wanting the phone to ring for once (I won't be on trigger watch until the weekend... she won't stim THAT fast).

My lining check is Wednesday morning, so I am trying to hold off calling and wait for my in-person visit, because I can just ask one of the nurses to physically open the donor's file and tell me how many follies they are tracking, how her estrogen is, etc. The first half of stims is pretty boring anyway.

This is the worst part of knowing too much. I know exactly how things should go, hell, I can practically do the ultrasound measurements myself, and probably would have a good idea when to up the meds, when to coast, even when to cancel (nope, not saying that word).

That's crazy, I know. So I will hold out for my first inquiry until Wednesday.

On a slightly different topic, I am finally starting to pen my "thank you" note to the donor. I figured I would sit down, and the words would flow, but they are not. It's like one giant mental block.

Normally, I am a pretty open person.
Normally, I can always find the right words to say.
But not this time.

I decided to put it away and not devote another thought until the evening before retrieval.

It's so hard to even write that last sentence. To assume that we will get to retrieval. And getting to transfer??? fuggedaboutit!

I'm so afraid of being disappointed. I am fearful of that BAD luck catching up with me again. I know that anything is possible, I am just so used to failing that I have to PUSH myself to think forward. To be a person of optimism.

Damn, that used to come so easy to me- once upon a time...

"just keep swimming..." I see Dory from the movie "Finding Nemo" in my head, and I hear the voice of my BFF, Steph (she loves that line, sorta like her personal motto! but for this week, I am stealing it).

You think I'm crazy now? Wait until I GET to the 2WW.

heh.
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