Boo!

I am off work today...

Making Mummy Hot Dogs for today's Halloween festivities.

Aren't you jealous? If you want to make your own, go here.

Back on Monday with a Halloween wrap-up post. Just in time for the post-Halloween sugar coma.

Happy Halloween!

Goth and Teen Queens

Back in the 80's when I was in high school and college I fancied myself the Queen of Alternative Music. When everyone else was rockin' out to Van Halen, Bon Jovi, Ozzy, Poison, and Whitesnake... I was pondering the meaning of life with my favorite RECORD collection (and cassette tapes)... wearing black, and hanging out with dudes who wore eyeliner.

I was into The Cure, Erasure, Bauhaus, The Smiths, New Order, R.E.M., and U2.

I should also admit that in the 80's I was also a big fan of Prince, Wham! and Duran Duran, but in the "cool crowds" I never would admit that.

So it deeply saddens me upon reading this post this morning:

Hilary Duff bastardizes Depeche Mode

Have my 80's idols actually SOLD OUT to a tween queen with a manufactured persona and voice?

Say it ain't so.

I knew there would come a day when my music became "the oldies" (like 50's and 60's music are to my parents), but I am not ready to hear it. I know that music "sampling" is a cool thing to do nowadays- take an old song and introduce it to the young people as new.

The problem: the audience doesn't know the original song, and ends up mistaking the new song as NEW. Therefore, never fully appreciating how GOOD the original is.

I know there has got to be readers to my blog that have no clue who Depeche Mode is, but sure as hell know Hilary Duff. And to them, I say... you missed a lifetime of great music in the 80's. Go forth and download all of the above groups I mentioned to your iPod and experience what being "cool" was all about.

Next thing you know Britney Spears will be covering "Purple Rain" on her comeback tour.

Speaking of which, "Purple Rain" was far and above one of the best albums ever released. E-V-E-R.

Show Prince some love, and tell me you loved it too.

Maybe I should just go back to bed?

I'm having "one of those days" already, and it's only 8:05am.

I woke up only to realize I overslept (thanks to my new friend, over-the-counter sleep aids). S. was already out of the shower, and David was still asleep in bed.

As I woke up David, I found he had a nosebleed in the middle of the night. A giant puddle of blood on the pillow, on the sheets, on the mattress cover. Lovely.

So I stripped the bed, and decided to get a quick shower. But, HELLO?! the shower was freakin' ice cold. There once was heat, after all... S. had steamed up the mirrors... but for me NO HOT WATER. It was a quick and bone chilling experience.

Now I head downstairs and see S. replacing light bulbs in the hallway. I ask "why are you doing this now???" his reply, "the house is about to burn down". It appears that those energy saving lights I've been replacing throughout the house don't like closed-in light fixtures. Who knew??

In my rush to get David's backpack together, I trip over a metal toy wagon in the hallway.

I promptly yelled "OWWWWW! Jes&*^ frig8^$#" and threw the wagon out of the side door into the garage.

Problem solved.

It's about this time when I realize it's pouring rain outside, and windy as hell. I figure it's best to take the car to the bus stop.

Meanwhile, David is getting dressed in his uniform, and he yells that he can't find his shoes.

Oh man.

I suddenly remember that I left them out on the front step the day before... because his shoes were muddy and I didn't want him tracking mud in the house.

His shoes were still outside on the step alright. In the RAIN. Soaked!

Idiot mother that I am, I only have ONE pair of uniform shoes. I had meant to buy a back-up pair (I almost always do), but I never got around to it. Dumb me.

Now we are late, and I am frantically writing a note to his teacher... "Sorry about the shoes..."
and we barely jump into the car and I see I have no umbrella. Figures.

We pull out of the driveway, and no sooner do we drive down the street and around the corner... here comes the bus. I leap out of the car, and attempt to open the rear door for David, only to realize the child safety lock was engaged so the door was locked. I run back to my door and unlock the doors and tell David to run to the bus.

"run David, runnnnn!" It was a Forrest Gump moment in pouring rain and wind.

I am only holding back 15 cars waiting on the bus. I know someone was cursing me from behind the wheel, because I used to be that person before I had David.

Now I am here in the safety of my home office. About to begin the work day. All sharp objects have been removed from my office, and I have a giant mug of coffee at the ready...

What else could go wrong today??? I mean, really...

Yeah, I'm quirky... so what??

My buddy Melissa tagged me for a meme. I've been doing a lot of these lately, but haven't done this one yet, so here goes...

6 quirky things about me!

1. I don't carry loose change. I hate random pennies and dimes at the bottom of my purse. Primarily because they are dirty. And dirty money can ruin the inside of a fine wallet or purse! Seriously, when I handle money, I feel an intense need to wash my hands. Germs, GAH! I can't stand it. So if I am using cash, most times, if there's coins involved, I say... "keep the change" (and the germs please).

2. I like sunflower seeds. I don't eat them often, but when I do, my favorite part is the shell. When did it become a crime to chew them up and eat them whole? I used to have a friend in high school that would delicately pick apart the shell and only eat the seed. What a giant waste of time.... lol.

3. I've had an obsession my entire life regarding space. As in, The Universe. I can watch shows on cable all day regarding the planets, the stars, black holes, and the space program. In fact, I just watched a TV show a few nights ago regarding the Hubble telescope. I can't get enough. Not that I ever wanted to be an aerospace engineer or anything, but I find the subject intensely interesting. Don't get me started on thinking about the universe. And that the Milky Way is merely a blip on the radar. When I think about how space spans into infinity, it makes my head twirl. And, yes, the concept that space is actually imploding in on us in the next 100,000 years makes me sad.

Have I lost you yet?

4. Speaking of Lost, I must also admit I am a fan fanatic of the TV show "Lost". I've seen every episode at least 4 times, and yes, I am the scary geek that listens to fan podcasts, and thinks that JJ Abrams is the master of the universe. Oh, there we go back to the universe again... sorry.

5. I can't step on elevators anymore. Yes, sadly, our trip in 2007 in which I WAS STUCK in an elevator, and had to be RESCUED by the Hilton Head, SC Fire Department has made me a pansy. I choose to walk stairs.

6. I used to be an avid reader, but not so much nowadays. Why? I have this thing about reading books. If I start reading a book, I can't put it down. For real. I used to crack open a Stephen King hardcover in my twenties, and read all 400 pages in one day. So I tend to stick to shorter books, unless I am compelled by a really, really good book. In which I just plan on being up for 24 hours, or whenever I finish it.

So yeah, I got some quirkiness... how about you? Please don't make me feel like a moron.

3rd Down and Long

Oh, I feel so unproductive on the infertility front. Since the August let-down, I've not even been keeping track of my cycle. Seriously.

The last two arrivals of AF are a merely a circle on the calendar.

And having this mini-break really has been........ well........... surprisingly okay.

This month marks the first month of YEAR FOUR in my secondary infertility challenge. It almost seems comical some days. Something so easy for most, but decidedly hard for me.

So where are we on the donor egg cycle? Well, my current objective is securing the cash. The stock market has taken the wind out of my sails, as my rainy day savings bucket is tied up in investments all of which are tanking at the moment. I refuse to pull money out of there, so we are looking at some other methods.

I am calling today to schedule our psych evaluations. I want to get as much pre-work out of the way before the holidays. I owe a bloodtest, and S. owes another SA sample at the lab since he hasn't had a full work-up since last November.

But among these things, I am also curiously lazy at the moment.

I haven't looked at the donor profiles yet.

I guess the crux of it is, once I am invested, I am in it all the way. Which means another possibility of failure. I am so sick and tired of failing. But I am willing to jump in one more time, because I know that this really is the last attempt.

Remember when I referred to my last IVF cycle as my "Swan Song" for my old and broken eggs?

Well, if that was the swan song, this is.......... the "Hail Mary".

My RE is the quarterback, my donor is the football, and I am the wide receiver. We are on our own 10 yard line (90 yards from a touchdown and the WIN), and about to throw the longest pass in infertility history.

It will either be the miracle catch in the end zone, an incomplete, or a dropped pass.

Are you sick of my analogies yet?

Good. Because I have about 100 more over the next couple of months.

Music meme (warning: 80's flashback ahead)!

The rules:
A.) Go to musicoutfitters.com
B.) Enter the year you graduated from high school in the search function and get the list of 100 most popular songs of that year.
C.) Bold the songs you like, strike through the ones you REALLY hate.

I graduated in 1986, the height of high hair and neon fashion accessories. This list brought back some serious memories. High school, freshman year of college, bad boyfriends, and my first car... my '86 Ford Escort.

But where's U2 and Depeche Mode on this list? lol......


1. That's What Friends Are For, Dionne Warwick, Elton John, and Gladys Knight
2. Say You, Say Me, Lionel Richie
3. I Miss You, Klymaxx
4. On My Own , Patti Labelle and Michael McDonald
5. Broken Wings, Mr. Mister
6. How Will I Know, Whitney Houston
7. Party All The Time, Eddie Murphy
8. Burning Heart, Survivor
9. Kyrie, Mr. Mister
10. Addicted To Love, Robert Palmer
11. Greatest Love Of All, Whitney Houston
12. Secret Lovers, Atlantic Starr
13. Friends And Lovers, Carl Anderson and Gloria Loring
14. Glory Of Love, Peter Cetera
15. West End Girls, Pet Shop Boys
16. There'll Be Sad Songs, Billy Ocean
17. Alive And Kicking, Simple Minds
18. Never, Heart
19. Kiss, Prince and The Revolution
20. Higher Love, Steve Winwood
21. Stuck With You, Huey Lewis and The News
22. Holding Back The Years, Simply Red
23. Sledgehammer, Peter Gabriel
24. Sara, Starship
25. Human, Human League
26. I Can't Wait, Nu Shooz
27. Take My Breath Away, Berlin
28. Rock Me Amadeus, Falco
29. Papa Don't Preach, Madonna
30. You Give Love A Bad Name, Bon Jovi
31. When The Going Gets Tough, Billy Ocean
32. When I Think Of You, Janet Jackson
33. These Dreams, Heart
34. Don't Forget Me (When I'm Gone), Glass Tiger
35. Live To Tell, Madonna
36. Mad About You, Belinda Carlisle
37. Something About You, Level 42
38. Venus, Bananarama
39. Dancing On The Ceiling, Lionel Richie
40. Conga, Miami Sound Machine
41. True Colors, Cyndi Lauper
42. Danger Zone, Kenny Loggins
43. What Have You Done For Me Lately, Janet Jackson
44. No One Is To Blame, Howard Jones
45. Let's Go All The Way, Sly Fox
46. I Didn't Mean To Turn You On, Robert Palmer
47. Words Get In The Way, Miami Sound Machine
48. Manic Monday, Bangles
49. Walk Of Life, Dire Straits
50. Amanda, Boston
51. Two Of Hearts, Stacey Q
52. Crush On You, Jets
53. If You Leave, Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark
54. Invisible Touch, Genesis
55. The Sweetest Taboo, Sade
56. What You Need, INXS
57. Talk To Me, Stevie Nicks
58. Nasty, Janet Jackson
59. Take Me Home Tonight, Eddie Money
60. We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off, Jermaine Stewart
61. All Cried Out, Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam With Full Force
62. Your Love, Outfield
63. I'm Your Man, Wham!
64. Perfect Way, Scritti Politti
65. Living In America, James Brown
66. R.O.C.K. In The U.S.A., John Cougar Mellencamp
67. Who's Johnny, El Debarge
68. Word Up, Cameo
69. Why Can't This Be Love, Van Halen
70. Silent Running, Mike + The Mechanics
71. Typical Male, Tina Turner
72. Small Town, John Cougar Mellencamp
73. Tarzan Boy, Baltimora
74. All I Need Is A Miracle, Mike + The Mechanics
75. Sweet Freedom, Michael McDonald
76. True Blue, Madonna
77. Rumors, Timex Social Club
78. Life In A Northern Town, Dream Academy
79. Bad Boy, Miami Sound Machine
80. Sleeping Bag, ZZ Top
81. Tonight She Comes, Cars
82. Love Touch, Rod Stewart
83. A Love Bizarre, Sheila E.
84. Throwing It All Away, Genesis
85. Baby Love, Regina
86. Election Day, Arcadia
87. Nikita, Elton John
88. Take Me Home, Phil Collins
89. Walk This Way, Run-D.M.C.
90. Sweet Love, Anita Baker
91. Your Wildest Dreams, Moody Blues
92. Spies Like Us, Paul McCartney
93. Object Of My Desire, Starpoint
94. Dreamtime, Daryl Hall
95. Tender Love, Force M.D.'s
96. King For A Day, Thompson Twins
97. Love Will Conquer All, Lionel Richie
98. A Different Corner, George Michael
99. I'll Be Over You, Toto
100. Go Home, Stevie Wonder

Ok, let's see yours. Even though I technically graduated in 1986, there are still 9 other great years of 80's music.

This post is dedicated to my college roommate, and BFF, Steph....
who, regretfully, would choose #51 as her favorite song of 1986 (since Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes" did not make this list... how did that happen anyway?)

It was so much fun we did it again...

...another day, another hayride.

This time, instead of heat and dust, we got cold and wind. Finally!

Perfect hayride weather. This time, we took "The Boys", the plural name my family uses to refer to my two nephews and David as one group of gaggling 5/6 year olds.

There's just nothing quite as exhilarating as sitting on a bail of hay and breathing in cow dung.

Or, getting lost in a three acre corn maze.

Did I mention the electric fence that has an itty bitty sign that said, "do not touch"?

A fun time was had by all, especially "The Boys"

...wait.... there's four kids here...


That's my kid brother, G. on the end. Well, he's not really a kid anymore at the age of 37.

Yeah, he is.

The scary side of free speech

Yeah, ok, I ripped this off of Perez Hilton.

This video makes me sick to my stomach. I am a firm supporter of free speech, but this kind of speech is ignorant.

This is the world we live in.

Remembering

Today, October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day .

Especially poignant for me, as Oct 15th, 2008 also marks yet another due date I never reached. My most recent pregnancy that ended far too soon. Today, I would have had a baby in my arms.

For the last 3 years, every time I remember this day I have more losses to add to the list. It becomes so incredibly painful to remember them all.

And to be honest, there have been so many that the months and days start to run together. A mish mash of missed dues dates and dashed dreams.

As a favor to me, if you have any close friends of family that have experienced loss, please reach out to them today. If for anything just to say hello and you are thinking of them.

And to my fellow sisters-in-loss who have been there, I am thinking of you.

The Dust Bowl

Yesterday, I took David on a hayride. Unfortunately, so did half of the free world since it was a school holiday.

We took Grandmom (my Mom) along, and parked about a county away. Then we waited 40 minutes in line for tickets. And another half hour to actually get ON the hayride.

It was so HOT and so DUSTY. Totally ruined the ambience. No hot apple cider. I didn't even want anything hot. Maybe ice cream.

Damn global warming.

I had to carry three huge pumpkins back to the car and ended up getting a pretty good workout. My arms still hurt today. But all in all, David had a good time so that's all that matters.

Can't tell by the pictures... just imagine it's 60 degrees and Fall-like.

Maybe we'll do it again when we ever get a cold day!

I think we need a bigger boat

No worries, I haven't been absent, just enjoying a long weekend.

Well, sorta.

The economy has been bringing me down. Waaaaay down. Add to it that it coincides with our future plans, and well... you get the idea.

I posted over at my other home, NJ Moms Blog about the latest casualty in the BagMomma house. It's a small thing, but pretty much marks The End of Days around here.

Nope, it isn't pretty. Kind of makes me feel completely insane that I am about to take out a very large loan for medical expenses.

Back tomorrow with fun stuff from the pumpkin patch. It's not just for celebrities!


p.s. you do get the pun about the boat, right? Columbus Day? Jaws? I know it's a fuzzy connection, just go with it.

Heavy

I woke up this morning, put David on the bus and settled in for my work and a large cup of coffee when I came across this post from my blogging friend, Melissa. For those of you not connected to the infertility realm, Mel is one of those people who has a heart of gold and has been a champion for all of us who have fallen into the wrong side of the statistics. There have been times during my own struggle when her blog saved me. This fact I am not exaggerating.

But sometimes those we look up to and commiserate with have their own bad days too.

Her post hit me like a brick.

A very large brick.

Go read it, and come back here.

No really....

I'll wait...

I think the overriding feeling that I took away from her post is that never-ending wish that things weren't so damn hard. That all of our dreams were more easily attainable.

And (yeah, I'm gonna say it)... that life was FAIR to all of us.

I need to spin off of Mel's post on this subject, so bear with me here. Not sure where my thoughts will lead to... but this post and a certain piece of info I learned about yesterday sent me careening off the rails.

It was troubling news that angered me. It propelled me into THAT place. I can't go into any specifics, but someone in my real life is pregnant and has no freaking business being pregnant.

I wish I could give you all the whole story. You'd choke. You'd gasp.

Yeah, it's THAT BAD.

In any event, I spent the remainder of the day thinking... where is the fairness in this? To bring a baby into the world that will need and want and have no provisions available. To be born into a bad situation. No opportunity to thrive. A dysfunctional and potentially dangerous situation.

And all the while here I am. Spending thousands of dollars to get to a dream that is wasted on someone who has no right. Not knowing (ever knowing) that my investment of time, money, and love will produce ANY tangible result.

(Whew, let me breathe for a moment).

Here's the thing...

Infertility has taken away so much from me and my family. It has invaded every last corner of my little world. It has made me less of an outgoing person. It has destroyed my body image. It has made me fearful for my only child (because WHAT IF something were to happen to him!?!). It has drained my emotional resources, and my financial resources.

The perfect life that I envisioned slips away, little by little. Sucking the life out of it.

All the while people are getting married, making plans, deciding on how many kids to have. Having babies, planned and (ooops!) unplanned. Not even THINKING anything could go wrong. They have no idea how quickly their world can be stripped away. No idea.

Until they end up here like us. The misfits.

To end up in a vacuum like so many of us. Where the world exists in a holding pattern. When time moves from cycle to cycle rather than calendar month to month. Where sitting down to dinner at a table that seats 3, 4, 5, or more people makes your heart ache for the empty chairs that have no living children sitting in them.

Knowing that a decision to stop treatment could mean feeling like that forever.

Constantly feeling empty.

This is what keeps me going. I see the future of unfulfilled dreams and I turn and run. I run as if my life depends upon it. Because the alternative is just too hard to think about.

Quoting from Mel: "It's just that you never expect that you're going to be infertile when you're skipping back down the aisle at your wedding, your heart literally traveling out of your chest like a released balloon."... "It is possible, I've heard, that you can change your dream. You can adapt to anything. These are just the growing pains of holding a dream away from your heart and examining it closely. Dreams don't like to be separated from the body; they howl. They cry."

I could not have expressed this better or as eloquent as she.

To carry the burden of infertility and loss is like carrying the universe on your back. It's heavy, dark, and sometimes it seems just too infinite to measure.

The round table

Had a meeting this morning with the donor coordinator at my RE's office. It was one of the best consults I ever had there. Thorough and thought-provoking. No kidding? From an RE's office no less.

Nurse T spent the better part of her morning explaining e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g... I got an open-ended length of time to ask every question I've been saving up. My brain is swimming in details. But it's good details.

The best part was just chatting about how we came to both be sitting in the room together having this specific conversation. Instead of doing the "one-minute summary" of my history, we talked about all the milestones and emotions along the way. What it means to be making this choice.

Letting go of the vice-grip on my ovaries. My eggs. My DNA.

I feel like I am breaking up with an old friend. "Things just aren't working between us anymore." "You've let me down, and I have to move on."

I'm sure this topic will come up again when we attend the counseling for egg donor recipients, but as the days drag on I am starting to feel like it's a good thing to finally cut the cord, so to speak.

With my old, damaged eggs. I am so done with you.

It's actually exhilarating to think about it. Suddenly, giving up on my eggs doesn't seem so bad. In fact, it takes a lot of the pressure off. It's not going to be "all about me" anymore.

If I wasn't 100% on board with this process before, I feel like I crossed over the line today.

First steps: some blood work (there's always blood work, isn't there?) and an appointment with the "keeper of the book". In other words, the big binder of donor profiles.

Interesting times ahead for sure.

Invest in Education

DonorsChoose.org has partnered with my fellow contributors to the Silicon Valley Moms Blogs this month to run the DonorsChoose.org Blogger Challenge. Last year they helped 75,000 kids get needed supplies. Now that all of us bloggers are on the case, I know we can help even more kids.

The premise behind DonorsChoose.org is simple and effective. Teachers request what they need and write a description of how the item will benefit the children. Some of the requests are basic, others to enhance the education environment in a creative way. Trust me, you'll be bowled over as you read though the many requests.

You choose how much you want to contribute. Your money goes directly to the classroom/project of your choice.

So please, if you have a moment click though this link and contribute during the month of October. And know you made a child smile and a teacher very, very happy.

Take a look at the widget in my sidebar. This widget keeps track of every donation that goes though our link. Use the link directly above, or click through via the link in the sidebar. Watch it grow!

For your eyes only

Excuse my lack of posting this week, I've been hit with my annual Fall cold. My joints ache, and I have the worst sore throat. Eh.

The title above.. For your eyes only. After I wrote it, all I could think about was Sheena Easton. Whatever happened to her anyway? Now I am stuck with that song in my head, and it's all my fault.

Anyway, on to the post.

I've been busy doing research offline regarding the DE cycle. Besides trying to figure out how I am going to come up with the money, I've been putting together my exhaustive list of questions for the donor coordinator, Nurse T. I have a meeting with her on Monday.

Over the last week, I've put a lot of thought to how I want to handle this going forward, in so far as privacy. Those who know me IRL have been following my journey for years now, and my failures have certainly NOT been a secret to my family and those close to me. Which I am entirely okay about.

But as I embark on this new journey, I have a request:

My lovely SIL's read my blog, as do some close friends and family. I would ask that if you do know me IRL, please keep my thoughts here and the clinical details under your hat. Please don't share the specifics with anyone.

I am not exactly sure how much I want people to know about pursuing a genetic donor. This is merely a way to safeguard myself, and any potential offspring that may result.

There are so many emotions not sorted out yet, so please do indulge me as I morph into over-protective mom-mode.

You know that I am usually the person wearing my heart on my sleeve... an open book if you will... but for this part of the journey I wish to retain a little privacy.

As far as the world is concerned outside of this blog, I will merely be chasing another fresh IVF cycle. One more step along the path. And I invite you all to join me.

Wordless Wednesday

I really want to be a GOALIE... what do you mean there's no goalies in Kindergarten soccer?