Friends indeed

The kittens! It's been awhile since I posted about the kittens, er, cats. In the last two months they've sprouted into what seems like full size cats.

David is enamoured by them. When I think back to when I was questioning adopting the kitten brothers, I could kick myself for almost not bringing them both home. They are entertaining, fun, great companions, and most of all... they are playmates for David. They follow him around, watch movies with him on his portable DVD player (really!), and provide endless entertainment to a five year old (and us too).

Now that they are here, I can't imagine being without them. The house just feels a lot fuller with pets around.

Down to the Two Minute Warning

I helped S. install our new sink (which is working now) and as we finished cleaning up I tuned into the Diane Sawyer special about Randy Pausch, who passed away this past weekend.

Now, unless you've been living under a rock the last year, you know this guy's story. Diagnosed with cancer, he gave the speech of his life in front of students, faculty and friends of Carnegie Mellon University after learning of his diagnosis.

When I tell you I bawled though the news special last night, I am not exaggerating.

Here was a guy that faced death straight in the face, and instead of lying down... he embraced life, and left a lasting legacy to his family.

There was a point in the broadcast where he had talked about cancer in relation to a football analogy...

"Sometimes you walk off the field and the scoreboard didn't end up the way you wanted , [but] you knew you gave it all...and the other team was too strong. I'm not going to beat [cancer]...but we have no regrets... sometimes you're just not going to beat [it].. but you want to walk off the field saying 'no regrets' I gave it my best shot."

This statement was so powerful, and so poignant. A million things went though my head.

And it dawned on me that though these last few years I've been straddling that line... attempting to create new life while always mourning the lives lost along the way. Each dead baby a reminder that I can't control the score.

Fighting and losing over and over, and simultaneously fearing that the time clock is running out.

Death, in all forms, sucks.

That sinking feeling

I was just putting David into the bathtub and taking my vitamins and my (last) BCP, when I heard a bunch of commotion in the master bathroom.

There was S., pulling everything out from under the bathroom sink. The entire cabinet was dripping wet.

It seems that builders grade sinks can rust out and fall to pieces. Really.

The good news is *something* made S. actually look under the cabinet, otherwise we would have ended up with an even bigger problem. I had visions of water seeping through to the 1st floor and a homeowners claim, but thankfully we caught it in time.

The bad news is we have two other bathroom sinks in the house that are also crappy builders grade and likely also rusting and decomposing under our noses. Not to mention we had plans to gut said bathroom and renovate next year so I am annoyed that I have to replace something that I'll rip out again in a year anyway.

So last night turned into "Bob the Builder FixIt Night" (or so David called it) and S. removed the sink and sub-par plumbing attachments. We now have a big hole awaiting a new sink.

One trip to Large Home Improvement Store today, and we will be ready for Part II... installing a new sink.

Fun times at the BagMomma house.

The time to relax is when you don't have time for it

I am having a hard time contemplating that the end of summer is just around the corner. There is so much I wanted to do, and regretfully, the list has grown longer not shorter.

If you remember awhile back I talked about being approved to take a four-week company sabbatical. And amazingly enough, it's almost here. Four weeks to play "stay-at-home" mom, and put a dent into that never ending list that has collected dust over the last year or two.

My sabbatical begins on August 15th. Which, coincidentally, is the day after my estimated embryo transfer, so conceivably (har har, a little play on words there) I could be spending my first/second day on bed rest in the 2WW, assuming all goes well with this IVF cycle.

My Mom has already been applying the pressure (in the form of gentle reminders) that I should put my list away and focus on my major project. She is right.

I didn't intend this time-off to be so.... restful. But in a way I am due for some rest. Three years of infertility, countless failed pregnancies, working 50-60 hours/week, trying to do it all, be it all.... well, it takes a toll on anyone.

I wonder if my life has been so overloaded that my body has been revolting against me.

Perhaps the timing of this long-term vacation is very much well-timed after all.

This morning, I found my list, scratched out #1 (which happens to be clean out my closet) and wrote...

1. Rest up and prepare for whatever life brings.

Painting the bedroom and two bathrooms, cleaning out the basement, linen closet, and office files, pulling up my overpopulated bulbs in my day-lily planting bed outside... well...

These things will have to wait, or be delegated.

For at least the first two weeks anyway.

Very Simply

Just what are you intending on doing with those pills?

Fun times yesterday.

I opened my pack of BCP's to see there was just three left, so I figured I better call the pharmacy for the refill. My RE has me finishing this pack, and then taking three more pills from a new pack... the intent was to get me aligned with their schedule with the lab and the other IVF patients. Now having just received a shipment of $7k worth of meds, you'd think getting a refill on a measly pack of birth control pills would be a cinch.

Not so. I called in my refill, and it was rejected. Rejected?? For what?

Pharmacist tells me I am refilling TOO EARLY. While it is true I have technically 10 left in the current pack (three active pills and 7 blanks) I stressed to said pharmacist that I need the pack NOW for the weekend. LOOK at the INSTRUCTIONS on the label, it says, TAKE 2 PACKS CONTINUOUSLY.

After a 15 minute exchange with the pharmacy, with looks from them like I was trying to ROB the place or involve them in some sort of birth control pill "black market scheme", I finally walked out with my $4 refill.

Ummmm, how is it that I can get injectible drugs and narcotics for this IVF cycle with ease, BUT was asked twenty questions for a $4 pack of pills?

Truly scary.

Going Green: A Start

Recently, my husband and I decided to try to really focus on being a little greener around the house.

We always recycled, but our township was nice enough to provide a dedicated trash receptacle, and changed the way items are collected to make it easier to recycle. Now, we just dump everything (glass, plastic, paper) into one place.

Surprise to us: we started to recycle more and more. Now, it's a rarity that our regular garbage container is full week to week.

Phase Two was eliminating all the light bulbs and replacing with the compact energy-saving ones. This was a big step for me, since my biggest gripe was I did not have the patience to let them "warm up". I'm an "on-demand" kind of gal, and this was painful at first, but you know what? It's not all that bad anymore. In fact, I appreciate not being blinded by 300 watts of bright light in the bathroom first thing in the morning.

We are about 70% switched out with the light bulbs. One more trip to Sam's Club for some more bulbs and we'll be 100%. I am wondering how this might affect the electricity bill. Only time will tell, I guess!

Not sure what we'll do next, but I am open to ideas.

We'd love to get rid of the honking big pick-up truck (husband's ride), but due to the declining economy our three year old truck is next to worthless (ok, I am exaggerating, but it's worth LESS than what we owe on it). Who knew? At least I got rid of my large SUV a year ago.

Little steps to a greener world I guess.

Foot in Mouth

It's Monday and I am feeling a little under the weather.

I can't tell if it's a cold coming on, or just my sinuses acting up, but I have an itchy throat and the worst sinus pressure. Waking up with a headache is the WORST! Truly. This morning I have a dentist appointment. Just a cleaning, but I am afraid with my head/throat issues it might be a challenge.

Speaking of challenges, I had the most awkward conversation with one of the moms at David's school today. She is a nice person, very pregnant. Apparently about to give birth, since she basically just walked in to hangup her son's swimming backpack and just started going off about her scheduled c-section planned for Wednesday. I was courteous, and let her vent, until this exchange happened:

She says: "I am so ready to have this birth over and done with. I told my OB I wanted my c-section TWO weeks ago. I'm a teacher, and my husband and I planned this very carefully so I could have this baby and finish my maternity leave over the summer. Now it's going to run into September, and it just annoys the crap out of me. I did not plan it this way."

I said (yep, I did): "I would give up anything to be as fortunate as you. I never planned on infertility."

And I walked away. She didn't follow, just kinda stood in silence. I can't believe those words came out that way, but I felt empowered just by owning them when I said it. So many times I bite my tongue... but I didn't today.

I don't think I pissed her off, but perhaps she will think ahead the next time she speaks to a random stranger. Maybe.

Only 7 days of BCP's to go. Stims start next week.

Deep Breath... aaaahhhhh

Starbucks published its store closure list. Thankfully, mine is not one of them.

[Picture me doing the HAPPY dance]

Hallelujah!

Now I can enjoy my Saturday. I know, it's the little things.

One "100 Calorie Snack Pack" away from blowing it

The devil exists in my pantry. It comes in the form of sweet, sometimes salty, often chocolaty, and definitely unfulfillingly addictive delights.

The 100-Calorie Snack.

I would like to publically thank the Large Food Companies for totally ruining my diet. Because it's a lot like that old potato chip commercial...

"Betcha can't eat just ONE!"

If you were to look in my garbage can in my office you would see a sight. Empty foil wrappers and crumbs. Reminants of 200-300-400-1,000 calories down the drain.

It's a conspiracy.

I should just go back to buying large bags of C.hee.tos.

At least I wouldn't be contributing gazillions of foil wrappers into the massive un-ecofriendly trash dumps.

So much for portion control.

Holy Medications Batman!

Don't know if you can see the picture very clearly....

But notice the bag of Hershey's Kisses.

Yep, that was included with the big box o' meds. I love a pharmacy with a sense of humor.

The land that infertility forgot: The OB/GYN's office

Today brought another visit to the GYN for my annual exam. Now, if you remember, the last time I stepped foot in this office I almost had a smackdown with one of the patients in the waiting room.

But this time it was relatively serene. I did grab a seat between two hugely pregnant women, but there was no chit chat, which pleased me. Well, except that the one girl looked like she was a day shy of 18 years old.... but I digress...

I was even surprised that I got called back early, but my good fortune ended soon after I rose from my seat. My doctor was stuck at the hospital, so my choice was to reschedule or see the nurse practioner.

Since my IVF cycle hinges on having my PAP completed, I opted to stay. Turns out the nurse was pretty nice. She talked to me about my plans, and had actually read my chart before she walked in so we didn't have to do the "what's going on and how's your status because I don't know who the hell you are" conversation. Further, she impressed me by acknowledging my circumstance and providing a good listening ear. She even knew a lot about infertility treatment (perhaps she did a stint at an RE's office), and that was amazing in itself since I have found that OB/GYN's (at least the one's I've met in my lifetime) do not care to know a lot about the science behind A.R.T.

Hey and guess what??
Only two weeks left until stims start!

I need to re-educate hubby as my injection assistant. I'm sure he's a little rusty.

Coast to Coast: BlogHer or Bust

Oh, how I wish I was going to BlogHer. Alas, it was not in the cards for me this year (money-wise, or schedule-wise). So I will need to live vicariously through my blogging buds as they jet-off to San Francisco and blog about all the things I am missing!

I am however, very excited to be following my Silicon Valley Moms/friends as they embark on a road trip only Thelma and Louise would rival:


Take five moms, give them a Chevy Tahoe Hybrid SUV, add wireless internet access in the vehicle, a GPS system, cutting-edge cameras and video recording technology, video games, music, gasoline, hotel stays, food, mainstream media covering the road trip on the internet & television - and see what happens as these hilarious and irreverent women drive coast to cost, picking up their fellow SV Moms Group Contributors and blogging it all on the road..... Seriously, you will NOT want to miss following these bloggers as they make their way across the country, from Northern Virginia to San Francisco.

Go visit Silicon Valley Moms Group Summer Road Trip '08 and follow along with me as my friends traverse the country on their way to BlogHer.

I'm officially jealous! Good luck ladies!!

Hardly working

I have off from work today, which is a blessing since I have a monster headache.

I woke up, looked in the mirror, and scared myself to death looking at my roots. I so badly need my hair done. I had been putting it off since my stylist left town, and trying to decide who to see. I almost bought a box of DIY haircolor, but when I thought about it, I just couldn't do it. So I made an appointment for Thursday with my "go-to guy" at my salon (he was the fill-in when my regular stylist was on vacation or leave). I like him, so I think I'll just start seeing him. For my hair, that is.

We didn't do very much over the holiday weekend. Went to a nice party at my brother's on July 4th. His BIL rented a large, blow-up, mountainous waterpark for the kids, and David had a ball playing on it all afternoon. This thing was the size of a house. It had two slides, a rock wall and a waterfall. It looked like so much fun I pondered jumping on it myself.


The rest of the weekend it rained here. Yesterday, it was torrential downpours all day. So we made the most of it. Feet up on the recliners and a movie marathon.

...and now, it's Monday. S. is at work, David at summer camp.

Just me and the dishes in the sink, and about 4 loads of laundry.

If only I could assign tasks to the cats. Lucky cats. They get to play and sleep while I'm sweating my ass off cleaning.

Where's the fairness in that?

Packing for the apocalypse

I had the weirdest dream last night. And I remember all of it.

The meat of it being I was on vacation, on what looked like a caribbean island. A storm was coming.... and I was frantically packing a suitcase. Running though my mind:

I need to get away from here, far, far away.

I need to hurry because if I don't hurry I'll get stuck here.

I need to make sure I have everything packed. What have I forgotten??

As I ran with my suitcase between two cottage type buildings, the sky swirled into blackness. And as I entered the door of the one building I realized my family was there. They were having a party... happy and dancing. My RE was there, and my Dentist (ummmm, yea...I have no idea, stay with me here...). I looked out a wall of windows onto a very scary looking ocean. Small waves lapped against the windows, and I thought:

Oh, hell I'm not going to get out of here.

I turned and saw a man who asked me if I was ready.

Ready for what???

"The END" he said.

Just then a wave crashed through the window. But instead of it enveloping all of us, we flew above it. I sat in a circle arm-in-arm with my hubby and David and we drifted into the sky.

The sky was clear, the sun was shining, and very peculiar music was playing. I can still hear the tune in my head, but I don't know where I've heard it before. I looked down, and saw the blackness further and further away.

And then I woke up.

This dream has been on my mind all morning. Freaky, I know.

Today is CD1 for my IVF cycle. As I dialed the phone to call the RE, the dream started making sense.

It's not the beginning of the apocalypse, or The End....

...but a beginning to something that deep down scares me a little.

This cycle is make or break for my own eggs.

My personal swan song.

It will finally close the book on the mystery of whether my eggs will result in a baby. Because this is the last time I'm putting MY eggs in one basket.

Here we go...