Seeing clearly

You all have picked up on my emerging positive attitude, but the funny thing is it's really just me being more like the me I usually am, instead of the bitter infertile I've been shaped into over the years.

I read somewhere recently (maybe one of your blogs, so remind me if this sounds familiar) that if you really look for something you will find it. I'm not talking about the ring that slipped off your finger at the beach, or the cheesecake recipe you misplaced in the kitchen...

Say you wanted to see a rainbow... logic says the best time to "find" one is after a storm, when the rain clears and the sun appears. That happens a lot no matter where you live geographically, but how many times to you NOTICE it? Probably just on chance, as I did last week when I opened the sliding door in my family room to rescue a plant that had fallen over from the wind. When I looked up, there it was. A beautiful rainbow. That could have happened many times before, but I never looked up.... therefore I never saw it.

But if you were on a mission to find a rainbow, you would look up every time you had the chance wouldn't you? And eventually, you would find it. In fact, I bet you'd find a bunch of them.

The thing about infertility is the ability for it to be a point to point journey that turns into (for some of us) a long ride. A failed cycle is so short in the grand scheme of things, but put all the failed cycles, testing, losses, and breaks together and many of us miss entire years of our existence. Never seeing a rainbow, because we haven't bothered to look. Too tired from the exhaustion, disappointment, and loss to ever bother looking up.

Shuffling through our daily lives just getting to the next cycle and missing.... everything.

This thought was reinforced to me in a conversation I had with my husband over the weekend. It was late Saturday night, and S. decided to enjoy the evening and sit out on the patio to relax with his iPod. I should have been out there with him, but instead I was sitting on the recliner (inside) watching a ridiculous and BAD movie. Half falling asleep.

Just then S. opens the door and says.... "I think I just saw TWO shooting stars!"

Me: "Get out! What did they look like?"

Him: "Shooting stars!" (....DUH)

Me: "I don't think I've ever seen a shooting star...."

Him: "Maybe you just aren't looking for them."


...touché, my dear.

It's just like my S. to come up with something so profound and not know it.

Seems that in addition to thinking positively for this upcoming IVF cycle, I should also start looking for rainbows, because, who knows....I just might find one.

The all-American breakfast

I knew there was a reason I lived here.

Perhaps I should trade in my bagel and coffee ritual for this morning treat?

Watch the video, and pack your bags to visit me in New Jersey. You know you want to.

Days Go By

I can feel 'em flyin'

Like a hand out the window in the wind.

Let's take a ride into the wayback machine...14 years ago...

S. and I were engaged and just bought our first home together... a quiet condo nestled in green trees. It was brand new. We picked the decor, signed our first mortgage, and made that little place our own.

It was small (2 bedrooms, 2 baths, probably about 1,000 sq. ft.) but it was ours. S. moved in in October of 1994, we married in February 1995, and I arrived with my cat Luke to start our life. We welcomed our first and only dog, Teddi that same year, and the four of us lived comfortably until we built our present home in 2000.

We sold our beloved condo to my brother-in-law, and he sold it a couple years later as well. Lord knows how many people have moved in since, but HOW FUNNY was it when I spotted an ad in the paper last weekend....

it is for sale again!

It is so bizarre to see pictures of the inside! It looks different from even when my brother-in-law owned it. To think we occupied such a small space, and to think David wasn't even imagined yet in our lives...

Crazy memories of how fast time flies...

S. and Teddi 1996

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech

Oh, hello there. Seemed to have dropped off the face of the earth for the last few days. Actually I haven't... just busy with a long list of to-do's and no time to do them.

Since we got "the call" from the school, I've been busy catching up on what the other Kindergarten parents already knew about. They had an orientation shortly before the end of the school year with the two teachers. I'm behind the eight ball since I won't get the same orientation. Spent the last couple of days calling the school secretary back and forth trying to figure out what info I need.

Other than that, I've been catching up on work (real work, not the time wasting fun I do here on the internet). I've been feeling like I've been not entirely productive lately. I know my boss is trying to lay off giving me any crazy projects, primarily because I have my sabbatical coming up in August, and the July/August fertility fun scheduled.

Speaking of which, I'm just waiting around for my next cycle start to begin the birth control pills. Expecting that probably Wednesday of next week.

My RE just did a redo of my insurance coverage and was happy to see some new coverage (albeit not 100% because my plan is 75/25). I see ICSI is covered, and we could potentially need that.. the jury is still out depending on S.'s sample or the RE's intuition I guess. Interestingly, there are several new sections, most notably a block for "is DE (Donor Egg) covered"? The answer was yes. Which may be something to keep in mind if we strike out this round although kind of generic in nature because the expenses behind DE are not trivial.

Not covered is cryopreservation, which honestly is something in the back of my mind to which I am indifferent. I mean, why keep eggs on ice if my eggs suck? I know I am being presumptuous there, but I find that I am too well informed on all of this infertility stuff. A woman age 40 with good eggs is sort of a misnomer.

I hate statistics.

Memoirs: Hard-backed and In Summary

Some of you may know that there are companies that can turn your blog into a book. I back up my blog (just in case something catastrophic happens), but now that I have three years of posts I decided it would be nice to start getting hard-covered bound books created. Sometimes, low-tech has its place in technology too!

I need to give a shout out to Blurb. I published the first 2/3's of my blog into a book, and they did a bang-up job creating it for me. Their software is easy, prices reasonable, and just a great quality product. (NO, they are not paying me to say this). Hubby saw Volume I of BagMomma (all 400 pages), and even he was impressed!

So there you go, I don't give a ton of product recommendations, but this is one I had to tell you about.

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Secondly, Bean hit me up for a meme, and this one is close to my heart. I saw the story relating to this on one of the world news programs, and it intrigued me.

This originated over an idea that was prompted by the book written by Larry Smith & Rachel Fershleiser, Not Quite What I Was Planning: Six Word Memoirs by Writers Famous & Obscure. It's a compilation based on the story that Hemingway once bet ten dollars that he could sum up his life in six words. His words were, "For Sale: Baby Shoes, Never Worn."

So I slept on it, and here's what I came up with:

"Lucky in Life, Despite Past History"

What's your 6 word memoir?

I won't tag a bunch of people (because I just did on another meme), but DD... I want to hear yours!

Hitch your wagon to a star

Often, I think about infertility and the sheer madness of all of the emotions around it. The highs are so high, and the lows are just shattering. Rarely is there a middle ground.

Back around my 2nd/3rd miscarriage (who's counting, right?), I remember writing a post about trying to not put my life on hold any longer. I started planning vacations for whenever I felt like it, and S. and I no longer thought of the distant future, because trying to plan our future was like searching for a specific grain of sand in the ocean... it was just pointless.

Footloose and fancy-free, we started making plans inviting the heavens to rain on our parade. Somehow it seemed logical that if we made/PLANNED our lives this way we'd laugh one day when we were suddenly caught with a new baby and a bad circumstance (oh my, we'll have to cancel that $10,000 non-refundable dream cruise!... oh no, now that we threw away the baby gear... looks like we needed it! Let's just buy a REALLY small car... hell, we don't need it!)

But you know what? Tempting fate hasn't worked that well either.

So, with this IVF cycle looming close on the horizon, I am a bit annoyed that I MUST clear my calendar for July/August. Ok, maybe annoyed isn't the right word. Maybe it's worrisome. Because all my previous plans never worked, so I am already looking ahead at failing because it requires that I make a PLAN. And hell, I've already proven that planning=failure.

I know, not a fabulous mindset to start this with.

But among all of this... for some crazy, unknown reason I feel like I could be on the cusp of something big. I don't know where the feeling is coming from. Almost as if I am teetering and swaying JUST A TOUCH closer to having a little bit of (I'm not gonna say it)... okay, but just this once... luck.

How in the world could this wave of positivity surround me now? After everything that's happened... how in the world am I capable of feeling like the tide could change?

Eternal optimist? That was something I always defined myself with. I lost so much of that recently, but to my surprise, the optimist in me is STILL there... just covered up with all of the intense emotions I have had to endure over the last three years. But it's there.

I think I am just starting to understand that even if my life isn't how I planned, maybe it CAN be okay if I just give it my best shot and roll with it.

Maybe I need to stop PLANNING and forcing all this reverse psychology on myself.

Maybe I just need to let go. It's the one thing I haven't tried yet, and maybe it just might work.

More good news (for a change)

Well, things are starting to look up in the BagMomma house.

We finally received the long-awaited call we thought would never come... a spot opened up for David at the local Catholic School. We are ecstatic! This was our first choice, and we are so happy that we don't have to use our Plan B ($$ Private School) or Plan C (Half-Day Public School).

Could the tide be turning??? Could GOOD LUCK be just around the corner?

I guess we'll see. But for now, it's happy times around here.

Bittersweet

Today my big boy graduated from Pre-K.

Soon, he will leave the teachers and caregivers he's grown to love over the last 4 years and venture into a new future.

Well done, Mr. David.

Me and a Meme

It's been a long time since I participated in a meme around here. I've been tagged (twice) for the same meme... first by my newest blogging friend Kate and then by an old blogging buddy Modern Mama so I feel I must in good conscience play along. lol.

The Rules:
a. Link to the person who tagged you.
b. Post the rules on your blog.
c. Write six random things about yourself.
d. Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.

And now...6 Random Things About Me

1. You all know how much I love handbags, but my other obsession is Sephora. I was never a huge makeup junkie, but I am now. I could spend hours in the store. I buy most of my purchases on-line, and I wait with excitement for the UPS man to deliver my black and white box. I must have 20 of those little black pouches they put the items in. I use them when I travel for all sorts of little doo-dads. The big ones are great to store intimate apparel. REALLY!

2. I am a published poet. At the tender age of 6 I wrote my first poem and it appeared in a children's magazine in the 70's. The title was "Spring". The beginning of my illustrious writing career....

3. I am impatient. Very impatient. It got worse as I got older, and manifests itself mostly while driving or standing in long lines. It's something I am working on, I swear.

4. I haven't been to a movie theater in about a year or two. However, S. and I rent pretty much everything once it's out on DVD.

5. I was attacked by a German Shepherd dog at the age of 5 (at a local egg farmer's home) which led to an acute fear of dogs. I got over my fear in my late twenties (it took a loooong time!).

6. My secret dream occupation as a kid was a figure skater. But ironically, I've never learned to ice skate (however I was a pretty good roller skater as a youth).

There you have it!

I'm a rule breaker (yeah, right) therefore I won't commit six others to this meme, however, if you so choose to participate I tag Mrs. Schmitty, Kim, and 3XMom

Introducing...

Kitten brothers, Harley and Riley.

Naming them was easy. S. had picked out the name Harley for the black cat as we were driving to pick them up, and to our surprise when we signed the paperwork at the shelter... guess what the black kitten's name was? Harley.

We had no idea they even had names! So we considered it a good sign to just keep the names they were given by the shelter staff.

They are about 3 1/2 -4 months old, so very cute, and taking to their new home really well. The best part is they both like to snuggle. They've shown a great temperament so far. And they love David.


Right now, they are sequestered in our finished basement. This weekend, we'll let them get used to the first floor, and eventually the upstairs.

I wish I had a picture to show you... it seems Harley has taken to playing David's toy piano. Cracks us up. It's as if he really knows what he's doing.

This weekend is their first vet appointment. They are already caught up on shots, and both are negative for the dangerous cat diseases, so hopefully that's a good start. After losing THREE pets last year, I am extremely nervous about losing any more.

It feels nice to have pets again!

A good day

Well, the kittens are home (more on that later) and all is well. The kittens are just adorable. They are using the litter boxes, eating, and having a grand old time now that they are out of their small home at the shelter!

I had my pelvic evaluation, trial measurement for transfer, and sonohysterography this morning. And guess what? All was well. No cysts, polyps, or an uterine issues to worry about. In fact, Dr. Nerd used the word "perfect" to describe my female anatomy... that was until I corrected him adding that if I was "perfect" I wouldn't be on this table.

Of course he giggled in his nerdy way.

So, now all that is left is ordering the meds and waiting for my next cycle to start BCP's. Now that all of the pre-work is out of the way I can focus my attention on working.

Big sigh of relief.

Are TWO better than one??

It's been lonely in the house since our pets passed away last year.

Since then, we've pondered "when is the right time to get a new pet?" and we decided that now is a good time.

We won't be shopping for dogs at the shelter anytime soon (too much of a commitment at the moment, and I haven't even refinished my floors yet from when we had Teddi).

So, last week I stopped by our local shelter and filled out an application for a cat. After we were approved, I took David and S. along to narrow down the choices.

Our only must-haves were we preferred a male cat, short-haired.

Yesterday, we happened upon a cage of three brothers. Three male kittens.... one black, one tabby, and one grey/white.

Immediately I felt a bond with the tabby kitten.

Then S. said, "why not TWO cats? after all, they are brothers."

And the shelter manager thought what a fabulous idea (of course she did).

I am on the fence. There are a lot of good reasons to bring two home. They would have each other, it's not incrementally more work for two cats (just extra food/litter). Heck, I haven't even cleaned a litter box since 2002 (S. started when I was pg with David and I never reclaimed the job).

I am a bit concerned on the scratching issue. My old cat, Luke, was declawed (that was not considered horrifying to do 18 years ago), but I will not declaw any future cats.

Do scratching posts really keep kittens at bay with destroying furniture? or am I over-reacting and it's not a big deal? I feel like two would be harder in that respect? or am I way off-base?

This would be my first new cat(s) in 17 years. I am so perplexed. I am definitely ready for one..... I just can't decide if I should bring home one or two.

Readers! Please share your multiple cat stories please.


Update: Life is short, so I'm diving in. Looks like we will be family + 2 this evening! Thanks for your feedback (and to my fairweather friend, Google... because I found way more positive stories than negative ones!)

The Shape of Things to Come

Today I had my "group" consultation with the IVF Nurse. The best part was there was no group, just little old me and my notepad.

Which was pretty nice. Nurse B and I go way back to the beginning of this hell called Recurrent Pregnancy Loss, and I admire her honesty and genuine feedback.

Today marks CD1, or what we are calling the TEST cycle to precede the real start of my IVF cycle. I had a blood draw for some basic stuff (prerequisites, if you will), a CBC, and some immune tests to ensure I am 'clean' for a go. S. has his blood draw tomorrow for a shorter list of stuff. Plus, a script for both S. and I for some antibiotics.

I feel like we are astronauts preparing for a space shuttle departure.

I have a pelvic evaluation next Tuesday and a sonohysterography with Dr. Nerd so he can ensure my uterus is still in good shape. Hopefully not as painful as the HSG I had last year.

After that, I will get the go/no go for my cycle start. Which should be around the first couple days of July. Then onto BCP's for a predetermined time, and the real fun.... stims.

For shits and giggles because I am (ahem, old), I mean, 40, I will start on a special cocktail of Gonal-F and Menopur for the stims.

And so on.

I'll stop there because I am getting winded thinking about it. Basically, my calendar for the summer is cleared.

Nurse B and I chatted about the last miscarriage (she was in the room when I had the 6w u/s, when we saw that little heart beating), and she shook her head reading my chart since that day... commenting how good everything had looked back then (great betas! great progesterone!) until that fateful u/s where the heart stopped beating. Just bad luck rearing its ugly head again.

"It's time for some good luck!" she said as she closed the file and we parted ways.

Yep, Amen to that.

Extra time on your hands?

Where am I when I am not posting here? Mostly, you can find me at my newest home, New Jersey Moms Blog.

If you haven't had a chance to visit yet, or want to waste some serious time you'll never get back (lol), head on over to read my latest posts here.

Yes, I'm bitter

This post bothers me...

Gwyneth Paltrow Plans Another Baby

Apparently, she is willing to "force herself" into having another baby.

It must be lovely to lead the life of Gwynnie.

Rich and completely effortless.

Yes, I am a BITTER bitch.

Cheese curls and dirty floors

David's "official" 5th Birthday party is this coming Saturday. His birthday was last month, but with our vacation and the holiday we ended up having a June party. Such is life.

My house is a mess. Cluttered and un-dusted, and needing some real TLC. I decided last weekend that I would take a room each day and do a real cleaning top to bottom. Which if I weren't working or doing 100 other things might be relatively easy to do. But I'm already disgusted with myself that I've fallen off the pace.

Usually husband does the floors. I hate to do the floors. Really. And he's better at it, so I let him do it.

Problem is, S. is the all or nothing type of guy. His version of cleaning is one block of time... get in there and get it done... no matter what.

Case in point- Saturday, I asked him to replace the shower head in our bathroom shower (the old one was nasty, I bought a fancy new one from Target). He not only replaced the shower head, he continued to almost pass out from fumes scrubbing our fiberglass shower to within an inch of its life. Two hours later... "shower's done honey!" and he had scrubbed and cleaned himself into a tizzy and subsequently comatose on the recliner. He had burned himself out.

I can't clean that way. I need to spread out the cleaning in a methodical fashion. My crazy cleaning is reserved for special occasions, such as about an hour ago.

I went into the kitchen looking for some cheese curls. (Don't mock me, it's a simple pleasure)

I opened the bag and a couple fell on the hardwood floor. So, I bent down to toss them and I saw what looked like one of David's Lego pieces. I reached for it, and realized it didn't feel like plastic.

It wasn't a Lego, it was a GIANT DEAD HOUSEFLY.

That sucker must have flew in the house and died trying to chow down on the nice red tomatoes on my countertop.

It was time for some evasive cleaning action.

I can't have dead insects on my floor. No way, no how.

Problem is, now I started the kitchen, so I have to finish it.

Wish me luck.