Don't ask, don't tell

The line between keeping some level of privacy during fertility treatment is hard. I am not generally an ultra-private person, but in some aspects of my life I am. Other times, I WANT to say something (especially if the person is a closer acquaintance), but opening the door is, well, HARD.

At work, for example, the only person who knows what is really going on with me is my boss. My manager is also a long time work friend (she was a confidante before she ever became my boss) so it's a relief that I don't have to feel uncomfortable talking to her. If it were anyone else, I'd probably keep the details general... just enough to know why I might be out-of-pocket, or taking a sick day. As far as the other co-workers I talk to on a daily basis, they have no idea.

I also have a hobby on the side which involves a group of ladies I've known for years. Even though they know generally that I've been trying to have another baby, I spare them some of the details. I had committed to taking a girls trip with them in July and I just canceled but haven't told them yet. I didn't want to, but the dates conflict with my upcoming cycle. I am struggling with the right words to tell them I have to pull out.... I know they will understand.... but I am a wee bit uncomfortable thinking about how much I want to share.

I am getting used to infertility invading all of these types of relationships.

Scenarios that totally wreck me are those like one I experienced recently with a Mom I've spoken to for the last 4 years at David's daycare/school. Her daughter is the same age as David, and they've been in the same classes since they were 8 months old. She has since had another child and is working on a third, and she asked me recently if I intended to have any more children.

I get that question A LOT from acquaintances, and god I hate to answer it.

I usually try to change the subject. Or, if I know the person pretty well, my stock comment is.... "well, we've been trying for a long time, no luck yet." At that point the other person usually gives me that sad-sack look of pity and simultaneously runs for the hills (like on Scooby Doo, when they are all running in place).... OR, they say something completely dumb, like
"Oh, it will happen, don't worry" or
"If you don't think about it, it will happen" or
the ever-popular "well, at least you have David."

Worse yet is when people just start spouting tips and hints on getting pregnant.

This scenario has manifested itself often lately, and perhaps I am just being a bit high-strung, but one of these days this may be the comment that flows out of my mouth in response to the dumb comment(s):

"Thank you for your concern, but I am so damn tired of people giving me advice about trying to conceive, cause honestly I've been there done that a million times and it's NOT WORKING. There is no HINT or ASSVICE you could possibly give to me that I haven't heard. Unless you have a CRYSTAL BALL or something and can tell me with absolute surety that all the pain and anguish, money, peesticks, bloodwork, poking, and false hopes will ultimately result in a LIVE BABY instead of a DEAD BABY.... just don't open your mouth. Just don't."

aaaah, that felt good. I'll never say it, but at least I got to write it here.

I heart YOU

Today I had my first official mammogram now that I am 40 (I had my baseline @ 36). I was excited to find out that my radiology lab is now using the best digital equipment available (I wasn't however excited to check the NO I'M NOT PREGNANT box on the questionaire in the waiting room... god, that sucked... another post for another day).

Those of you who know me in real life or have been a long time reader know how passionate I am about breast cancer awareness.

I've had far too many people in my life battle this disease, and some have been taken by it. My Aunt has been a survivor for nearly 10 years, but her cancer recently returned and is now in her spine as well. I cannot fathom the strength she has had to muster over the years and how disappointing it is to hear the cancer is beating you.

I host a fundraising benefit each year with four other friends. It's a luncheon, and we have about 200-300 people attend. Of those roughly 300 ladies, many are breast cancer survivors themselves. Each year we ask the crowd to stand up if they are a survivor, and then we ask anyone to stand if they know someone who is a survivor or has lost their battle. The entire room stands on its feet. The ENTIRE ROOM.

It saddens me to no end when a seat goes empty because someone has lost their battle. It's crushing.

I know I usually reserve my PSA for October (which is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month), and August (when I host my benefit), but from now on, or as long as I am writing this blog, I will also make it a point to remind you all to REMEMBER each year I attend my own mammogram.

*If you are in your 20s-30s, be sure to have a breast exam EACH YEAR at your yearly GYN appointment and discuss any family history of breast cancer.
*If you are 35, GET YOUR BASELINE MAMMOGRAM.
*And if you are 40 or over, SCHEDULE and ATTEND your yearly mammogram appointments.

My pregnant friends are exempt from the above of course, but if you are not breastfeeding and you have recently given birth, you only need to wait a prescribed number of months and then you can schedule a mammogram (ask your doctor).

Prevention and detection are so important, so do me a favor and if I've guilted you into making an appointment, please pick up the phone and JUST DO IT.

The train is leaving the station

Since I will be talking about my upcoming IVF cycle at length, I decided I should create aliases for my RE's.

I hereby pronounce the formerly named Dr. V to be Dr. Nerd, and his accomplice (formerly Dr. P) will now be known as Dr. No. There are 2 other doctors in the practice I go to.. but 90% of my appointments are with Dr. Nerd and Dr. No.

I should explain.

Dr. Nerd reminds me of the guy from the Revenge of the Nerds movies, the skinny dude with dark hair and glasses. You see, Dr. Nerd is a pretty nerdy doctor. He's got the education and the credentials out the wazoo. Always has his nose in his work 24/7. Softspoken but laser focused. He's the kind of doctor that when you try to joke around with him he has that nervous laugh. Drives me nuts.

During the drama of miscarriage #4 last year (remember? the natural/medicated m/c and the hCG drama?) he called me so much to check in on me I asked him one day if "he added me to his fave five" (as in cellular phone). He *almost* laughed out loud (giggled really, which is a stretch for him). My husband cracked up when I told him about that conversation. I imagine that outside his office, Dr. Nerd is a nerd in real life too. In fact, I am sure of it.

Dr. No... as in, the villain from the Bond movies who was a bit of a mad scientist. Dr. No has a little of that in him... he's into a little experimentation to get to the issues, which I like. But he's brash and the older dude of the practice, so he's probably just annoyed that he works along side of younger punk doctors. I kid, I kid. Dr. No is a get 'r done kind of doctor. When the other doctors had problems threading the catheter for my HSG last year, he tackled my cervix issue like it was no big deal. No patient is too difficult for Dr. No.

So, moving on... yes, I went to my RE consult. I met with Dr. Nerd yesterday and we talked about how I am the Queen of Bad Luck.

No, really.....?

Then we talked about my age. Oh, it was wine and roses in January, when I was still the tender age of 39. In February, when I hit 40 I guess I aged 10 years in the infertility realm. Because Dr. Nerd was quick to whip out the IVF statistics for the age range 0f 40-45. Which, as most of you know is bleak. And then I protested, insisting I'm barely 40! why must you group me in with a 45 year old?? He asked me if I looked on the SART website at the stats for their practice.... and I was like HELLO?? are you kidding? Been there a trillion times. Then he nervously giggled and said, well, the good news is that age is your only *known* barrier at the moment.

ummmm, and the bad luck with the five miscarriages... how about that Dr. Nerd? (he only counts four since my second was a chemical, a mere blip of pregnancy).

Then we talked FSH. The good news is I've had 5 FSH/Estradiol (Day Three) draws in the last year, and the highest FSH was an 8. Mostly 6 and 7. But, of course these are not accurate because they vary greatly. So I wonder why we are put thru this torture test of bloodwork if it can be wrong, wrong, wrong a lot of the time?

FSH in normal range means I have lots of eggs left. They may be all bad, but hey, I'll take what I can get.

Next point of goodness is I am a pretty normal cycle girl. 28-30 days, still ovulating on my own regularly. Apparently they don't see many of my type, perfect inside/outside on paper but unable to birth a second child. Go figure.

We went over my history (again) for the millionth time), and decided that since I am almost at my insurance out-of-pocket deductible for the year, we may as well use it up to get to 100% coverage. It doesn't do a damn thing for the cost of the meds, but at least I'll save some money.

Protocol: We're going with the generic "antagonist protocol". A shot of a couple days of BCP's, hopefully still using my leftover (paid for) Gonal-F to stim, and the egg police, Ganirilex. Icing on the cake? My RE's office (as well as many others) has changed progesterone protocol for 2008. No more PIO! Crinone gel exclusively. No shots in the ass, I can dig it.

So that's the plan for now. I have bunch of other bloodwork and paperwork to take care of in the near-term. Also, I will have a sonohysterography beforehand since my uterus was questionable in size and shape when I had my D&E.

I've got two IVF cycles. The first one will be my eggs, hubby's swimmmers. We will cross our fingers and toes and pray the fertility gods have mercy on us. And if it doesn't work, we may do it again, maybe not. If we go a second time, we may make the leap to donor eggs for our swan song.

Mind you, we are still working the adoption angle. At this point I would like to ask that if I have any long lost relatives that are wealthy and reading this, to please consider gifting me about 50 grand. That should be all we need.

The IVF train is about to leave the station. Hop on and join me for more drama.

Vacation recap, or why I almost never came home

Vacation.

To sum it up in one word.... wonderful.

We had perfect weather... sunny and warm. Lots of excuses to do nothing but sit back and relax. I think this vacation was just the thing I needed to get back on track with life. I took about 400 photos with my new camera, so of course I have to show you them all.... I KID.... no, not about the 400 pictures, but I will show you a few.

This was part of the view from our room:

We had beautiful views of Broad Creek. And the DECK... oh, the deck. The rocking chairs are always the best part. If I wasn't taking this picture, I would be in that very chair with my Corona. And the beach? Magnificent. Perfect for building sandcastles.

David reprised his starring role from last year announcing (sort of) the start of dinner... The Lowcountry Boil. South Carolina style.



We visited Savannah and decided that we want to move there. Really. I've been to Savannah on business before, but this time as a tourist which is so much better. What a beautiful city. We took a trolley tour and ate at a real pirate's den from the 1700's.


David had fun catching fiddler crabs. Was he scared of getting pinched? Of course not.. he's a boy.

And every evening, this was the sunset in full view right outside our door.


This year, we didn't get stuck in an elevator and had to be rescued by the Hilton Head Fire Department. Although that was such a fond 2007 vacation memory.


Yep. we'll be back. Same time, next year.

Road Trip

Good weather forecast for next week at vacation destination? Check.
Relaxing spa service pre-vacation? Check.
Suitcases packed? Almost there.
Ready to disconnect from everything electronic? Heck yeah.

The only thing standing between me and my manicured feet in the sand is 11 hours of driving. Trust me, it's worth it.

See you all on the flip side.

Please be kind, rewind

Thanks to all of you who offered support during my meltdown last week. Yep, it's been like that lately. I think there are times when you just want to hide in bed under the covers all day, and Friday was one of those days.

I am anticipating vacation, trying to tie up loose ends at work, attempting to line up my next cycle... and you know when it rains it pours. Just when I thought I had all my ducks in a row, a slapshot out of left field knocks me down and I am left to start all over again.

For example, yesterday I had to pick up David from school early. He was sick, of the intestinal variety, and he went through his change of clothes in his school cubby. The teacher calls me @ noon yesterday to come pick him up, and adds "it's really bad, I think he needs a bath." Yep, I'm coming. By the time I return, I have 10 minutes until an important work meeting, so I put him into the bath, suds flying and take a conference call while sitting on the (closed) bathroom toilet while David sat in the bath moaning his tummy hurt.

Fifteen minutes into the call, I put myself off of mute to make a comment at the same time David declares "Mommy, I need to potty NOW!!!!"

Oh yes. That was the point I tried to bow off the call gracefully. The remainder of the afternoon was David sitting in the recliner in my office watching DVD's on the portable DVD player. And me, moving all my meetings to today.

I had my RE appointment scheduled for this Friday.. my intent was to talk about the "new" plan before vacation so we could think about things over next week. But I had an epiphany this morning and thought HEY WOULDN'T IT BE NICE TO NOT HAVE TO THINK ABOUT all of this ON VACATION, so I did what any insane infertile would do, I called and rescheduled my consult for when we get back. I just started another cycle anyway, so it was really no rush... hell, we might even wing it and actually try the old-fashioned way this month.

So here I am, with a full day of rescheduled work meetings ahead of me and wash/packing for the trip. David is feeling better and is over his Grandma's today. By bedtime tonight, I plan to be back on track.

And tomorrow? I have a spa day planned. That's right.. something just for me. This time tomorrow I will be in the middle of a mango pedicure and manicure.

Hopefully not thinking of anything but awaiting the beach, the sunsets, and a mighty stiff martini.

One Hand

Today, my little guy is 5 years old.

The time has passed so quickly. All of a sudden you somehow emerged from being a toddler to being a perfect little boy.

"If only we could clone you..." as Daddy would say.

Amen.

Complicated

This post has sat in my drafts folder for a a few months. Reading it, you'll understand why.

*****

When I first started blogging almost three years ago, I blogged for me. I didn't care who read my blog... I was just excited to take all the thoughts swimming in my head and write it down, because I am a writer. Not by profession, but in life.

I have notebooks of short stories and poems. Writing was an outlet for me as a young girl. It even got me in trouble more than a few times. I lost that in my early twenties and coming here to THIS BLOG was my re-emergence into writing. I found joy in that.

My early posts were all over the map.... thoughts on parenting, life, people... and things. Handbags.... favorite foods.... likes/dislikes. I was never part of the elite "mommy blogger" circle. I stayed under the radar.

And around the same time as this blog was born I had my first miscarriage. And then another, and another, and another.

Somehow I crossed the line of writing about "stuff" to writing about lots of deep feelings. Over the course of time, I started reading infertility blogs and making connections with others. Developing common bonds.

And then it got complicated.

All of a sudden I was an infertile. My posts became heavily slanted to infertility. My readership went through the roof. Women came in droves to support me.

Just as many sent me hate mail. Because, having secondary infertility is different to some. I once got an anonymous comment to a post after one of my miscarriages that "I was SELFISH.... " and, "You should be happy that you have ONE child because some of US have NONE".

Well, well, I guess you set me straight.

I deleted that comment, because it stung so bad. But as level-minded as I was at the time, I figured, well, there's always one idiot in the bunch... and I ignored it. But guess what? I got e-mails like that more and more. I even had some (again, anonymous) that deemed me "CRAZY for putting my BODY though five miscarriages."

Oh, there were many days I could have just wrote a post with this phrase "Fuck Off".

But just as welcoming it was to be a part of a virtual network of "positive" support.... that support that I treasured started to wane. Comments started to slow down, and as my fellow infertiles became pregnant and had their beautiful babies... I was left in the dust. And I, the doormat to the blogging world, still reading their blogs... but they are not reading mine. Crazy, since among all this infertile mess, I am still a Mom, and so are they.

How is it that a person can just disconnect so easily? For me, I never set up my RSS reader to ignore my pregnant blogging friends, so why were they ignoring me?

I blogged many times over my real-life family and friends who ignore me. This isn't an exaggeration... it's the truth I hate to think about. It's as if I have a disease, and if they ask how I am doing they might catch it. It HURTS so deeply when I shared such intimate detail of my treatments that no one asks how I am. It's the purest form of rejection.

But I never, EVER expected my blogging friends to give up on me too. But, many have.

Is it because I am not truly a textbook infertile? Is it because they are sick of hearing how often I keep failing?

Somehow, along the way I got wrapped up in the feedback and the comments. There were many days that the comments kept me from totally going nuclear. I loved the support (I still do), but now I find myself in the same place with the blogging community as I am with my real life-community.

I am invisible.

And, for this reason my love for blogging is waning. I am tired of being judged. So I censor my posts (if you've been wondering why my posts have been so generic). And that makes me more angry because THIS is my blog. This started as a place for me to be me.

I know that this situation is not unique. Two of my fellow bloggers are pondering "where do I go from here?" for entirely different reasons.

The truth is... I've shared almost 500 posts to the world (on this site, anyway). And I am just now understanding that you can be just as exposed and hurt on the internet as you can anywhere.

Where to go from here.... I don't know.

Caution: School Crossing Ahead

I have to rehash an old story because it's driving me crazy. And the control freak that lives inside me can't let it go.

If you remember, I blogged back a few months ago about David attending Kindergarten. The truth is, we still don't know exactly where.

Yes, he's still on the waiting list at local Catholic School. He's also registered at the expensive private school. And, yes, he's also registered for the crappy 2 1/2 hour per day public school.

I still am waiting on the Catholic school. The Principal there must think I am completely stir-crazy, as she has received numerous letters from other parents trying to help me out in convincing her to open a spot for my son. This school is the best of both worlds.... full day, reasonably priced.

Then there's the private school. After all the visits and a non-refundable deposit I captured a spot for David. It's expensive (more than I am paying now). And last month we received a note from the school indicating the teacher I met and really liked QUIT. They just hired a new teacher, and I haven't met her yet.

Last month I relented and registered David for public school. The local school has a good reputation, but the Kindergarten school year is a joke. I feel like putting David there would negate all the learning he's done so far.... and take him out of sync. He's used to a full day and to go to a measly two hour school day.... I don't know.... The only perk in this scenario is that a good friend of mine has volunteered to watch David (AM or PM... whichever session he is assigned to). But the real kicker??? The school doesn't tell you whether your child is on the AM or PM session until TWO weeks before the start of school. Freaking unbelievable.

I've resigned myself to the fact that I will have to be in this nebulous zone all summer. Until either the one school calls us, or I just throw in the towel and decide to be poor or decide that we can hack Kindergarten on a severely reduced schedule.

The one thing that is definite is my baby is graduating from Pre-K and the daycare he's loved for the last 4 years on June 13th.

And, will begin his elementary education SOMEWHERE in the Fall.

Somewhere....

Riding off into the sunset...

You might remember I blogged about David giving up the sippy cup earlier this year.

Well, the last ties to toddlerdom are over as David finally.... FINALLY after 2 years of coaxing rode his bike!

This from a boy who never even rode a tricycle (trust me, we have one unused one in the basement AND a smaller bike that was NEVER used).

It was if he just decided that yesterday was the day. Of course it helped that his neighborhood friends were also on their bikes prodding him to follow.

Nothing like a little peer pressure...

I ran into the house and grabbed my digital camera to document the day. Excuse the crappy quality... it wasn't my video camera, just the video feature on the regular camera:

Pre-Mother's Day Treat

I should explain how my weekend started on a bright and sunny Saturday morning.

It started well, I was done my morning coffee and while S. and David sat in the family room, I started twisting into a cleaning tizzy.

I finished (and folded) four loads of laundry. I organized the pantry. I cleaned the kitchen. I was sweaty and a little beat when I slumped into my recliner in the family room. Then I remembered I had to wash one last item in the laundry room in the basement.

I looked at the clock- it was only 11:20am. And, then I saw the wine refrigerator.

Ohhhhhh, a glass of wine would be great, I thought. I pulled open the door and found one of my favorite white wines and decided, what the heck, it's nearly lunchtime and I haven't had wine in a couple of weeks.

So I uncorked the bottle. Boy, was it refreshing to sip wine knowing my cleaning was done.

Problem was, S. didn't want to finish the bottle, so in my best wisdom, I decided to drink the rest.

Hmmmm, I thought. "I haven't eaten anything yet today. Boy, this wine tastes good."

You know where this is going, right?

Flashforward to about 1pm, after said bottle of wine is LONG GONE. I am woozy, I feel icky.

David and S. decide we are going to The Outback for dinner. At 4pm we are getting ready to leave and my stomach is twisting. By the time we get there, I am ravenous however, and share the onion appetizer and down a 9oz. filet mignon along with a salad and potato.

The rest of the night I feel the ickies, until.....

well..... you know.


The moral of the story:

~Don't drink a bottle of wine on an empty stomach ESPECIALLY when you don't drink wine on a regular basis.

~Don't ever order the onion appetizer when you even *think* you might be sick.

~Thank husband profusely for not drinking so as not to violate the one-parent drinking rule.

~Thank God for Sunday.

Disorganized

I am truly losing my mind.

In two weeks we leave for vacation in Hilton Head, South Carolina. Since it's a beach vacation (and we are driving), packing is a little more complicated since there's just stuff and gear that needs to go with us. And, the car we are driving down in this year is smaller, so S. is limiting my suitcases (he only wants to pack two for 8 days (3 people). The good news is there is a washer/dryer in our suite, but I hate to wash on vacation. And since we are packing light, we won't bring any of the usual stuff (case of water, soda, snacks, paper goods, etc)- we'll be spending our first day shopping at the Piggly Wiggly for groceries.

I have five lists for packing... mine, David's, hubby's, stuff to buy when we get there, and what to have in the car (things to keep David occupied for 12 hours and a cooler for the road).

Then there's work, which has been slowing down a little thankfully... BUT I have to make arrangements and delegate some of my work while I am gone for two weeks. Timely in the fact that my manager and I just reorganized our support team and totally changed how and with whom they work.... once again bad timing but we are limited to making big changes in the "slow" months of the business.... which is now. Sucks to be me.

David's 5th birthday is a week away. We decided to put off the party till June when we get back from vacation. But a party also involves PLANNING which I don't have time for at the moment. Initially we wanted to invite some of his school friends, but then we found out his best friend's party is the SAME DAY, and the invites already went out. So, he cried last night that he can't go to his best friends party... and I just felt bad.

Wait, there's more. I made my consult appointment at the RE, and honestly I am just cringing. I want to go, and I don't want to go. It is just a weird place to be. Wanting to move forward, but scared to do ANYTHING. That's a post for later.

If only the car was packed and we were on our way to vacation today...