Control, or lack of it

Last week was such a blur. So much going on at work. The funeral. Just a long and emotional week.

So on Saturday I was looking for something mindless to occupy my time and spent the better part of the morning sorting trains, cars, dinosaurs, legos, pirates, ninja turtles, and puzzles. It was The Great Playroom Cleanup.

I wish I had a "before" picture, to truly appreciate the end result. Let's just say I couldn't walk on the floor. Literally...
I stepped on a pirate with a sword that stuck to my foot. It didn't draw blood (well that would have been a better story) but I can tell you I had the imprint of Captain Hook on my foot all day.

You see, S. and I differ on the use of the playroom. He says that it is a kid zone, meaning, it can be messy 24/7 with some minor cleanup now and then.

I am a bit more radical with my thoughts... in that, a playroom should be clean overall (how can you play when you have no room to walk?) and organized. Take a bin out, put it back. Anything David plays with for the day has to go back to its home at the end of the day. With the exception of the trains, that can stay out since I've spent an hour building the track. Because only Mommy has the spacial skills to build a track, and it's far too taxing on my brain to have to do it over and over.

Anyway... I am thinking of labeling the bins (not that David can read them yet) to complete the room. Overkill? Perhaps.

The one thing I've learned though the last three years of infertility is I must maintain order where I can. It balances out the fact that I have no freaking control over my body and the little control I have restores my blissful balance.

So, the playroom is my control point.

Now if only I could apply that to the family room...

Random Thoughts

It's been quite a week so far. Some personal updates....

My Grandmother passed away peacefully around midnight on Easter Sunday. So, instead of joining any family get-togethers or big dinners... it was a low-key day. We went to visit my Mom and Dad who were just soooo tired (they went to the hospital right after they got the call and never went to bed Sunday). We looked at old pictures of my Grandmother that are going to be used at the service this week, and just talked. The viewing is Wednesday evening, and the funeral on Thursday. I don't look forward to events such as this at all, the whole "open casket" thing is mystifying to me. I can remember every person I ever saw lying in a casket, and it's not a memory that I think of fondly. It's unnerving, and for that reason I have always told my family that if I should pass, please don't put me on display. No, heavens, no.

At the same time this was going on, my brother was rushed to the hospital for the mother of all intestinal infections/flu. He's been sick for the last two weeks which culminated in being so dehydrated he had to be put on an IV. He looked terrible when I saw him on Sunday, so it was no surprise... but he's back home now with his IV. The lesson being, even strong young men can get annihilated from the flu.

And fall soccer sign ups are this week. David is excited to join a sport this year. I am less so since I wonder how on earth I will fit practice and games into an already overloaded schedule! Everyone else does it, so I just have to get over myself and find more time in the day to work and be a mom.

So now you know where I'll be if I disappear for a couple days. I may or may not be posting an American Idol post this week depending on how busy I am.

My goal is to get though the week, plain and simple.

Sippy cups go to heaven

Yesterday was a big day at the BagMomma house.

David finally gave up one of his last ties to toddlerhood... the sippy cup.

David has always done everything on his own time. He fought potty training in pretty much the same way. He is only ready to move on when HE is ready. Just like his father.

We've been trying to get him to "give up" the sippy/straw cup (we call it the "baby" cups), and we thought we made headway over the last year when David had no problem drinking from a regular glass/cup during the day. It was the wake-up sippy cup, and the one he HAD to have before he went to bed which was the problem.

I was convinced at one point that he'd be in college one day drinking from a plastic sippy with circus animals printed on the cup.

So it was an odd morning yesterday. And for the BILLIONTH time we tried to lure him into throwing away the sippy cups.

And to our amazement, he said, so matter of factly.. "Ok!"

We were excited, and then reminded him that once they go away... THEY ALL GO AWAY.

No turning back...

...and then, we all went into the kitchen. Took every cup and top out of the cabinet.... and with much celebration... David tossed all of them into the trash.

We clapped and took a picture.




We went out and stopped by the grandparents houses to share the good news. And when we got home, I started to sweat wondering if the bedtime ritual was going to turn into a tantrum mess and I would have to dig the cups out of the trashcan outside...

We were surprised again when David sat at the table, and drank his milk from a regular cup. Happy and relaxed.

We were dreading bedtime, but the real challenge was still ahead. So this morning David woke up for school... and was NOT chipper in the least. He did not ask for his sippy cup, but he sat in the family room crying that he was thirsty.. but didn't want to sit at the kitchen table for his orange juice.


So I left it on the table and went about my routine, and by the time I walked back into the kitchen, he had relented. Success!!

I have to admit, I had a "Mom" moment in the car, and weeped (just a little) that my boy really has crossed over to that of "little boy".

There's nothing holding him back now from his baby days... well, except for "Scrappy" (his blanket). But we'll save that for another day.

Keepin' it real dawg: AI Weekly Wrap Up

Top 11 this Week. Ok, remember when I said last week that I was not impressed? Color me blue (again). I just didn't like most of the performances. Was it me? The second week of Beatles songs? Why are they shoving the Beatles down our throats this season anyway?

On to the fun....

Amanda Overmyer: As I noted last week, I just am getting bored with her (now I am sounding like Simon). I am also a bit peeved how big the heads are on these contestants this year. Whoa, nelly.... you are not famous YET. I can't really say more than that. But having spoke my peace, you and I both know she will still be around next week.
David says: "Bad!" "No, I like it!" ok Sybill......

Kristy Lee Cook: I cringed through most of this song. Just was all over the place. Even Paula didn't like it, and you know what that means.
David says: "I'm not sure, she has long hair." I don't know if he meant he didn't like her performance, or if he thought she had a hairpiece. lol.

David Archuleta: He's got the voice of an angel, this kid. I'm worried he might not be old enough to handle what will come to him from this show. I know, I sound like a worried mother. Great performance.
David says: "I like all the David's". Well, he is down to just TWO brothers now.

Michael Johns: So frustrating! Like when you get your nails done and you mess up a fingernail fiddling for your car keys in your purse. I just want him to have a good week. This was not one of them.
David says: "Good! Is he the other David?" No honey.

Brooke White: I was on board until she got up from the steps and twirled into that "woooooo!". I actually didn't think she was as bad as the judges made it seem. And who are we kidding? She's not going anywhere this week. She can redeem herself next week.
David says: "Where's the peeeeano?" He's got a good memory.

David Cook: Rock it out dawg! I love this guy, and I think Simon was way off base with his assessment of "predictable". Ok, the voice box thing was a little Bon Jovi'ish, but who cares? He's entertaining. Did you notice the looks Simon was giving him after his performance? What's up with that?
David says: David was in bed for this one. I'm sure he'd have a lot more to say, but it will have to wait until next week OR when the show is reduced from two hours to one hour.

Carly Smithson: Ok, I was scared at first. I saw that red shirt with the roses and it made me think of a bad prom gown. But as she sang, I forgot about that hideous shirt. I like it. Simon didn't. Big surprise. Self-indulgent Simon? What is wrong with you tonight?

Jason Castro: Well, I'll give him my vote for singing the song that spawned my first name. My parents loved that song, so they named me after it. I imagined Jason was singing the song directly to me... because there are so few Michelle's in the world. (that was sarcasm... how do you think I got the nickname... Shelli? Let's just say when I started elementary school there were SEVEN Michelle's in my class... I digress.. but it's an important point. )
Oh, his performance? Lackluster. Sorry dude.

Syesha Mercado: "Yesterday" is one of my favorite songs of all time. I was ready to put Syesha onto the chopping block this week, but she knocked this one out of the park. Good job. You just bought another week.

Chikezie: Cikezie, my man. You had me so excited last week. I just wasn't feeling it this week. The transition to the fast part with the harmonica? You should have kept the song slow. I didn't like the hoe down thing.

Ramiele Malubay: More harmonicas. Thankfully from the band. I thought this was a sorta odd song choice for her. And I felt like her performance was forced... like pretending you can't wait to get a root canal.


Ok, and the drumroll please...

Who SHOULD be voted off this week:
Kristy Lee

Who WILL be voted off this week:
Kristy Lee

Best Performance:
I can't decide... it's between Syesha, David C., and David A.

Where art thou?

I'm here, I really am. Just taking a siesta.

I am grumpy, I have a UTI (again) and my doctor is closed (how dare they! I need antibiotics!), and some extended family sadness drama going on. More on all that later.

I will be watching American Idol tonight, so tune in tomorrow to hear more comments from the (almost) 5 year old thespian who is my son, David.

Until then, got any Mac.robid for my bladder infection? Sorry... oversharing.

I've got baggage

Last weekend I used up the remaining gift cards from the holidays. Of course I bought a purse. I think I deserve this one. This may be the last personal purchase I make for quite awhile. lol.

It's finally Friday. The end of a very loooooooong and challenging week. I hope you all have a nice weekend.

Crossroads

Yesterday, I went to the OB/GYN for my post-op visit. Let me preface by saying that although I do like my doctor there (and her refreshing opinions compared to my RE's) I hate to go there.

Y0u know why. The onslaught of pregnant people and babies.

Unlike my RE's office, which is a child-free zone, I got to experience what I've been missing in the last two years of my infertility treatments.... Grumpy pregnant women. One sat across from me, lamenting how uncomfortable she is, and she wish her pregnancy was OVER. It took all the power in the world for me not to roll my eyes. Or club her.

I had a women sit next to me with a baby carrier in tow. She sat down and sighed. I attempted not to make eye contact with her. Then she turned to me and said, "my baby is four months old, and here I am again, pregnant with #2. I can't believe this is happening to me. I am so upset."

I wanted to slug her.

I wanted to vomit.

I felt my blood pressure rise, and my face flush, and I turned to her ready to spout something terrible that would make her feel like a peon. But I didn't. I sat for another 45 minutes feeling like I wanted to disappear. I would have rather been anywhere but there.

Now weepy and pissed, I finally get to the exam room. When Dr. D walks in we talk about my recovery. Which has been, thankfully, uneventful physically. Blah, blah, blah, expect your next cycle to start in a couple weeks. Call the RE for a consult next month and talk to them about next steps.

Then she stops and looks at me and says... "You need to decide your tolerance here. Think about what is best for you emotionally and for your family." It was as if I had every emotion written on my face at that moment and she saw it. We talked more, about trying again, the emotional and financial toll, adoption, and when it's okay to say... I'm done.

I got home and decided to look into the infertility counselor referral my RE gave me. Then I spent the afternoon surfing the 'net Googling more adoption links and ordering some books on Amazon.

Last night, S. and I had another serious conversation about all of this. We already decided we want to seek adoption, no matter what. So how does this fit in with closing the book on trying on our own? I have two insured cycles left (if we take advantage of them, we'll do IVF in May-June). I am still wondering if I should be investing all my time in adoption, or these last two cycles.

The odd thing is.... for the first time EVER... I thought about just letting go. Save the money for adoption. I guess I am just waiting for a sign. I know that's silly, and a lot of you don't believe in fate and all of that. But it seems like this may be the turning point.

I just wish someone would point me down the right path and say GO THERE... that's where you are meant to go.

In the meantime, I just really, really want to hide.

Keepin' it real dawg: AI Weekly Wrap Up

Top 12 this Week. Was it me, or was last night a little bit of a letdown? I saw a lot of nerves and the people I expected Great Things from.... were..... mediocre? Let's press on to the meat of the matter.

Be prepared for David's comments... they are insightful and well, childish.

Syesha Mercado: Hmmmmmm.... all I was thinking during this performance was how much it was just ok. "Just ok for me dawg..." as Randy would say. The song makes me happy... but I just wanted more.
David says: Nothing. He was still in the bath.. but hang on, because he has something to say about Chikezie...

Chikezie: I love this guy. I love his personality. Does he not just seem like the nicest person you would want to meet? Great song. Great Energy. One of my faves for the night. And I was so close to writing him off last week... but I know he's not going anywhere this week.
David says: "Dawg!" He liked it.

Ramiele Malubay: I so want to like this girl. She's pretty and has shown such a great voice. But she's uncomfortable (still) on the stage. I fear that if she doesn't open up and "bring it" (as Randy would say) she's not going to last very long.
David says: "That song was old. Boring!" But I should also say that he was swaying his arms over his head with the audience.

Jason Castro: Paula said, "I feel your heart" talking to Jason. But dude, I wasn't feeling it. I found his delivery weird and awkward. I wanted something else from him. But it's not hair tips.
David says: "I don't like him, he has girl hair". Sorry Jason...

Carly Smithson: I have to admit, I don't know what all the hub-bub was about this girl. But tonight I started to see the light. She has a very powerful voice, and that was one great song choice for her. I am beginning to want her to succeed.
David says: "Good!" Short and to the point, my boy is.

David Cook: Every time I hear his name I think "Daniel Cook" from the Disney channel. If you don't have a child under the age of seven, forget about it. His performance: awesome. And the odd thing is I did not like him early on, but his rockin' edge makes me tingle. And is name is David, so what's not to love???
David says: "I like him!" and also notes he has "his" name, which makes him his brother?? Huh? Apparently I've been traveling the wrong way down the infertility path. I just need to adopt another David according to David.

Brooke White: I liked this girl from the start. She just exudes heartfelt excitement. And she's very musical. First the guitar, and now the piano? Why can't I be so talented? Why can't I have her hair?
David says: "Wow Mommy, she plays peeeano!" It's easy to impress a four year old, what can I say?

David Hernandez: Yes, his name is also David. But I have to say, sadly, I find him.. I don't know.... cheesy. The song was presented hokey. Dude, I don't care if you actually did "cabaret" in your past. You have a great voice. You just ruin it with your song choices and dancing. Sorry.
David says: "I'm going to bed Mommy." Yeah, ok that's pretty clear.

Amanda Overmyer: Ok, let me be frank here. I don't understand what her lure is. I find her to be a one-trick pony. However, I will say that thank goodness she made to the portion of the competition where they get stylists. Her hair looked better, and she looks SO MUCH better without all that caked on makeup.
David unavailable for comment. But I will share his comment from last week which was "Mommy, why does she look like a skunk?"

Michael Johns: He's Australian. He's got a great accent. He's got a great voice. And, the song he sang... "Across the Universe" is one of my favorites. I wanted him to have a great week, and he alllllmost made it. I am pulling for him.

Kristy Lee Cook: Ugh. She was either going to knock it out of the park or give the public the reason to vote her off pronto. Unfortunately it was the latter. She butchered a great song. I'd love to give her props for doing the country thang, but she ain't Carrie Underwood by a longshot.
Sorry hon. You do seem sweet though.

David Archuleta: My favorite in past weeks, but oh how I cringed when he forgot the words. The poor kid looked out of place and out of time. I hated having to watch his decent into the abyss. David. I know you can pull it out next week... and no one in their right mind will vote you off for one bad performance. Just don't do that again. Also, for the record, I think you are sooooo cute I just want to pinch your cheeks.
My David was asleep by this time, but if he was awake, he would have happily noted that this was his third brother and for that reason he should stay. ;-)


Ok, and the drumroll please...

Who SHOULD be voted off this week:
David Hernandez

Who WILL be voted off this week:
Sorry, Kristy Lee. The tribe will have spoken.

Best Performance:
Tie between Chikezie and Carly.

Ready dawgs?

This blog needs some lightening up. So whether you like it or not, I'm dragging you back into the"kitsch" that is BagMomma.

Specifically, tomorrow starts my first in a series of American Idol Blogging. If you were a reader last year, you'll remember my dedication to the cheese, the irreverent humor, and the soul-wrenching performances.

This year I promise more of the same, with a twist... My son will provide commentary as well. Because sometimes I get a little too critical, and there's no better barometer of truth than an *almost* five year-old's opinion.

Join me tomorrow for my first installment.

Will there be another Sanjaya? Hell yeah, and I have a sneaking suspicion it's a female this year.

Will Shelli (that's me) revert back to using the lingo of a 21 year-old to describe performances? But of course, dawg...

I promise to be truthful, but not hurtful. Because the blogging world is small, and last year I found out that the contestants actually Google themselves and sometimes land here.

Do you think it will scare them to see infertility blogging and AI blogging on the same page??? hehe.

Stay tuned, this will be fierce!!! (Oh wait, that's Project Runway... sorry...)

When you say "stop the world I want to get off!!" and it HAPPENS...

Could it be a bright spot in the horizon I see?

Certainly not in the fertility area. In fact, I am feeling a bit bruised at the fact that I just sent my RE a very LARGE check for my last two (failed...sigh) cycles. Oh, how it hurt to write so many digits on a check with nothing to show for it.

I did make a final decision on David's school for Kindergarten. It's not the school I toured (and registered for) last week. It was my last visit to the last private school on my list. And to my surprise it was the BEST school. Expensive (what isn't?) but was exactly what I was looking for in a school. And I think it meets David's needs perfectly. I met with the teacher this morning after an initial tour on Saturday, and just loved it.

If you are wondering what we will do if the "catholic school" calls us back from the waiting list... well, it's a no brainer. It's a $5k difference in tuition, and I am not stupid.

So, my mind is at least at ease that we finally have a plan. Check that off my list!!

In work news, I found out that essentially I am taking a large paycut for 2008. Isn't that just fabulous. It wasn't good enough for hubby to get a 5-digit paycut this year. Now I am in the same boat. Oh, it will be slim pickin's at the BagMomma house this year. Financial lockdown.

Oh, the bright spot. I'm getting there....

Yes, firming up the education plans was nice, but I'm not giving it full credit because of the money thing...

The bright spot for me today is the extra four weeks vacation I just was granted in addition to the four weeks I already get.

How? It's called a sabbatical, baby.

You see, I was part of a very large software company acquisition in 1995. And, part of what was grandfathered into my new company was a little thing called a sabbatical.

A sabbatical was a four-week PAID vacation. You have to take all four weeks at once. I got my first one in my 5th year of employment. And because the hostile takeover occurred during that time I was grandfathered a second and final sabbatical at 15 years of employment. Of course, I filed that thought under the "I won't be at this job for 15 years so who freakin cares" folder.

But guess what? Last month marked my 15th year. And how shit-faced happy was I last week when I called HR to see if my sabbatical was still valid after all those years.

AND IT WAS.

I get one whole month to be a stay at home Mom this summer. And I still get my other four weeks of vacation to take whenever I want this year. I can even tack on to the end of the sabbatical.

Hot damn. I get to disappear from the matrix for a whole month. I'm thinking of doing it late August and September.

I can't wait.

One month off to cook, clean, organize, be home for my son after school, volunteer, take deep breaths, count my blessings, and file my nails.

So who cares if we just took a financial beating this week. I got something even more valuable than money........

TIME

Words to live by

Get out! They LEARN there??

You're tiring over my education ramblings, I know.

Oh, how I wish I could turn back time to two weeks ago, when positivity was all around. Life was looking up.

And then........ well....... you know.

So this kindergarten thing has served a purpose. It has taken my mind off of wallowing in self pity from the miscarriage.

It gave me a MISSION. A GOAL.

I've been to two private schools since my last post. One good (more on that in a sec) and one I didn't feel good about. I have one more appointment on Saturday. So far, I've put down one check for registration as of today. We may or may not end up at this school, but I wanted a sure thing, so I got it if I want it.

You know what was weird researching these schools, visiting and asking questions? I came to the realization that Kindergarten nowadays is far more academic than I imagined.

Oh pshaw, Shelli..... you didn't know that???

In my mind, I knew it, sure. I am so used to going to David's Pre-K school, and seeing him mostly playing and having fun, with a secondary emphasis on academia. The school he is at now goes by the belief "Learning through play"... which is a common one among daycares and preschools.

But when I toured this particular new school yesterday (which I subsequently went back today and put down my check) I was... I don't know...scared.

This school offers an environment that is vastly different. Sure, there's still playground time (and art, and music), but the class time is serious. I saw 17 five year olds sitting at little tables with books, and papers and #2 pencils. Smiling and raising their hand rather than jumping out of their seat and yelling for Cheez-Its.

And I panicked.

Is David ready for this?

So I asked my questions, talked to the teachers and some of the students who seemed five going on fifteen. Ok, I exaggerating. They were well-behaved, intelligent little people that looked like they LOVED learning.

LOVED IT.

And it stirred very odd emotions in me.

My baby is going to be FIVE in May. And in September he is going to SCHOOL, not daycare. He is going to LEARN. And WRITE and READ. Jeez, he could be writing a symphony by first grade for all I know.

Good lord, this just dawned on me. And I know you are probably reading this and laughing at my oversight.

So check in hand, I also made an appointment to bring David in for a pre-test in April. Placement, if you will. Because at this school they have THREE levels of Kindergarten. Which I liked the idea of. Because it allows the child to learn at the pace comfortable for them.

So it was an eye opening day. We are not 100% on this school yet, but it's a start.

Moving along...

It's distressing to look at the state of my life.

From the outside in, I must look like a total hot mess. Not of Britney Spears proportion or anything, please. Despite some major setbacks, I still can appear that I have my shit together, even though I am one latte away from a major freakout.

Regarding my rant yesterday on the education issues.... I am a little calmer and have a plan D, E, and F in place. I e-mailed the Principal of said Catholic school, and fell on the sword. My Mom-in-law helped with the all-out assault, and she too contacted Ms. Principal. We found out that David is in the top three of the waiting list, and my willingness to throw down a $500 donation to the church would have helped (before decisions were made), but now is of little value.

Yeah, that freaks me out a bit. And more so when I happened to chat to the co-director of the school David is in now.. she mentioned that her nephew was just accepted to this same school. Her sister is not a parishioner. That pissed me off. Because it means that there really was no priority given to parishioners like me, and Ms. Principal chose students only on the basis of the "squeaky wheel" theory.

I was ready to mount my attack. But cooler heads prevailed, and I have resigned myself to the fact that if they don't want us, they are missing one great opportunity and a great kid. Whatever will be will be.

In the meantime, I setup some appointments with two other private schools (tomorrow, and Saturday) for a grand tour. These two schools *may* have space available, but I need to check out the atmosphere, curriculum, teachers, and most importantly the price. Both have non-refundable registration fees, but they are less than $100 each, so if I like what I see I may just register and have it in my back pocket. After all of this, I am willing to gamble $200 for some peace of mind. Otherwise I'll be a total mess until the end of the summer.

Also, for those of you who have e-mailed me on the info I was seeking on RPL testing, THANK YOU! Keep the notes coming! You guys have given me some great hints and ideas to check out. I am so grateful for this community.

Amongst all of this drama, hubby and I are also renewing our research into adoption. I've been poking around with a lot of my blogging buddies on that subject as well, so if you are in the process of adoption, I'd love to hear from you. We are still leaning towards Int'l adoption, but I'm not ruling out anything at the moment.

Lastly, a bit of more sad news..... I never have enough it seems. My Grandmother (my Dad's Mom) is gravely ill and not expected to recover. She is in the hospital (has been for the last month or so). I have a sort of unusual relationship with my Dad's parents over the years (I was never as close to them as I was with my Mom's parents). A long story for another time......
however I do wish a peaceful ending to the situation for my Grandmother, and prayers to my Grandfather that he can be strong through this. But mostly, I am thinking about my Dad. He has shouldered much of the care (and drama) over the last few years, and I know how difficult a decision he has along with my Aunts and Uncles.

Sheesh, it's only Tuesday and I feel like it should be the end of the week.

My goal for today is to take deep breaths and try to remain serene.

With everything going on, I'm still surviving.

The booby prize

Oh my.

After last week's events, you'd think I would have run out of bad luck.

But no.

Remember awhile back when I registered David for the local Catholic school? I stood out in the freezing cold, attended an open house, even created a cover letter professing my dedication to the church?

Well, we got the letter on Saturday that he didn't get in. I burst into tears. I really wanted him to attend that school. David really wanted to go there too.

Worse yet, I had been putting Plan B into motion (checking out the local private schools for a full day kindergarten program). Turns out they are on waiting lists too. I'm still looking, and it's not going well.

Which leaves me with Plan C (or as I like to call it, the booby prize). Public school.

I don't have a problem with the public school per se, except the fact that it's not even a true half-day. My township offers split sessions (8:45 to 11:15 or 1:15 to 3:45). That's a 2.5 hour school day!! WTF? What math are they using??? That's not HALF DAY at all.

On top of that, you don't know which session you get until two weeks before the first day of school. Kind of inconvenient in setting up before/after care. Make that IMPOSSIBLE. Worse yet, I would end up spending a significant part of my work day carting David around. To somewhere. Where I don't know. It's too short a day to drive him to where he goes now (25 minutes away). I would be sure to be fired from my job considering I would essentially be driving all day.

More than anything, I just want stability for David. I want him in one place, one educational and nuturing environment. He deserves that.

I've lost sleep the last two nights over this. I just wanted ONE THING to go easy. But no, of course not.

I need this black cloud over my head to GO AWAY.

Seriously, what the hell is going on with me??