Back to The Bench

First, let me say that I am shocked at the number of comments and e-mails you all sent me. Your support is immeasurable.

So, yesterday was D&E Day. I had spent the prior day (Wed.) shuffling back and forth from my OB/GYN (who agreed to do the surgery), and the hospital for pre-admissions paperwork and bloodtests. Frankly by the time I woke up yesterday morning and prepared for my hospital day, I was out of tears and exhausted. I just wanted it over.

I even had a few laughs (imagine that) in the hospital with the nurses and in particular the anesthesiology team. One guy was a young Richard Gere who talked about golf and Tiger Wood's big butt (yeah, I know ???) and the other was a Dr. McDreamy look-alike right from Seattle Grace Hospital (except he was one mystic tan away from resembling George Hamilton). As I was waiting for my "happy hour shot" in the IV from McDreamy, I started at the staff gathered at the desk in the OR, and it dawned on me that most of them were way younger than me and good looking. How did that happen?

Anyway, my trusted Dr. D completed the D&E, and thank goodness she thinks she got it all. I can't tell you how relieved I was to hear that in recovery. If my hCG hits zero even within a few weeks from now, I will bow down and salute her good work.

So here I am, back where I started a million times. Miscarriage #4 or #5 depending on whether you count my chemical pregnancy from 2006.

I am spent.

But I intend to use the next couple of months to try to uncover anything new I can learn about what my problem is.

For those of you late to the game, let me tell you a brief history. I've been tested for the basic RPL panel (thyroid, clotting, immune, blood disorders, etc.) over the last year. Nothing out of the ordinary. S. and I have had our karotype tested- normal chromosones. I've had Day Three testing drawn three times in the last year, my FSH and estradiol still clocking in as better than normal for my age. I've never been diagnosed with a luteal phase defect (on unmedicated cycles I have a 13-14 day LP). I've only had low progesterone with a pregnancy once that I know of, but that one was doomed from the start with low hCG. Hubby's SA's have been normal.

So there are a couple of unanswered questions. One, it's proven I still have a decent ovarian reserve but nothing to be said of the "quality" or the eggs, which may indeed be a big problem. The RE vaguely suggested a couple paths, one being donor eggs. I feel as if I am under the gun, not just with my age, but financially. So it is important to have a plan that makes sense.

Two, I know all of you who have been there (suffered any repeated losses) have read probably the same books I have. I am especially intrigued by some immunologial factors that may have NOT been tested for. Not because I have a crappy RE, but they can't order more detailed tests because my local labs are not equipped to test for them.

If any of my IF blogging friends are still lurking, I need help. If you or any of your blogging friends have had RPL testing beyond the normal stuff, I want to hear from you. What did you do, where did you go (doctors, cities), what did another specialist find if they found anything? My e-mail is in my profile....

To be honest, I don't know where this path is leading. I don't know if I am at the end or close to it, but I promised myself last night as I was lying in bed that I would take the next few months and uncover every stone I can. Because I won't even make peace with any of this if I don't try.

If you are hearing desperation in my post, well, truth be told, that ship sailed ever since the last miscarriage. I am so totally devastated knowing now that it is possible to have a great looking pregancy bite the dust and that that scares the shit out of me.

But it also make me want to look for the answers. I know that is easier said than done, and sometimes the answers are never found. But after all the time, energy, disappointment I've had over the last three years... I need to do right by myself.

I need to uncover each stone. I need to.

The End

I'm not sure how to start this post, so I'll just say it.

My ultrasound this morning did not go well. I am measuring 4 days behind, but worse, the heartbeat is gone. After my appointment with the RE, I went to another radiology lab (with better machines) to confirm the findings.

They found the same results.

I am stunned, and can't even capture my breath. How the fuck could this happen????

My RE wants me to either miscarry naturally or with medicinal assistance (cytotec - like last time). If you remember, he was not successful in completing my last D&E (anatomically I have a few challenges with a narrow cervix and a tipped uterus) thus his conservative approach.

I am opting to go back to my ob/gyn for the D&E (they've done it successfully, no doubt in part that they unfortunately do d&c's just as much as deliveries). I also want them to try again in the hopes that they can capture the remains and do testing. I just need to know.

I am crushed enough. I don't need another event like the last miscarriage which dragged out for 5 months.

As for how I feel, I am sad to say I think I've reached the end of my rope. Clearly, great betas and one stellar u/s does not equal a baby.

Frankly, I am out of time, patience, and money. And Hope has taken a beating as well. I just don't forsee Hope as being a part of my life anytime soon.

I've often thought what it would be like to reach The End.

I just never thought I would get there.

Stewing

I had some time on my hands this morning after dropping David off and before sitting down to work. So, I decided to throw something in the crockpot for dinner.

I have this awesome high-tech crockpot I got over the holidays from Williams-Sonoma (see above pic), and I am always looking to use it. I know it seems odd to get excited over a crockpot, but it truly makes me feel all Martha Stewart'ish.

I decided to make some old-fashioned beef stew. With all the good stuff like carrots, parsnips, portabello mushrooms, etc. And for good measure, half a bottle of red wine. Ok, a quarter. That's the only way wine will be passing my lips today, don't worry.

I previewed the recipe last night and thought, heck, I'll just throw everything in there and fire it up for 10 hours or so. I even had pre-cut cubed stew meat, so I was on my way.

Of course you have to first brown the meat, and then cut the veggies, and then make a special sauce. So, "throwing it together" was not really how it went down.

It was more like "turn the kitchen upside down for 45 minutes, make a huge mess, and have a meltdown over onions I just brought YESTERDAY that turned out to be rotten".

It was not a pretty sight. I rushed browning the meat and spilled flour on the floor too.

After all was said and done, my 20 minute prep was more like an hour and twenty after I had to clean up the mess I made.

I'll let you know how it turns out. I may share the recipe if I get a thumbs up from the peanut gallery.

For now, I am letting my beautiful crockpot make magic.

Perfecting the art of obsession

I'm so hungry I could eat a horse!

We've all heard this line, but I've actually said it at least 5 times this week.

My food snack of choice (in-between breakfast, lunch, and dinner) has been Cheez-Its, Raisin Bread, and Frosted Mini-Wheats cereal.

Of course, then I eat said snack with reckless abandon (not volume of portion, but speed) and 20 minutes later I am hungry again and feeling nauseous.

To combat the feeling of the ickies (which sometimes passes with 3-6 cinnamon Tic Tacs) I take a break from work (because work e-mails just make me more ill) and play Solitare on the PC.

The problem is, continuous playing of Solitare puts me into a trance, and almost a sleepy coma.

To wake up from Sleepytown, I brew my decaf coffee (with my most loved appliance, my Keurig Platinum Brewer), imagining that it is caffeinated.

And the cycle repeats.

Once again, I plead with the universe.... I really love having the pregnancy symptoms (I've often become giddy this week each time I get sick, I know that's quite warped) but if this is really a sticky pregnancy, must you insist on being in the front of my mind 24/7?

When you factor in the symptoms and my total obsession with wondering am I ok? am I not ok? Is this going to work? Will I be disappointed again? How many hours till my next u/s again? Oh, that would be 112 hours, 37 minutes and 23 seconds....

Well, I'm just not very productive at the moment. Or rational.

I gave a presentation this morning regarding "contract gross profit" to a bunch of services consultants and the whole time I was thinking about having pizza for dinner (S. had mentioned he wanted pizza instead of making dinner which sent my taste buds reeling).

I need to at least give the impression to my coworkers that I am really working during the day. Not hiding in my home office perpetually on "away" status on IM.

I think I might be blowing that.

Greed vs. you and me

The bills are starting to trickle in from my December and January cycles with the RE. I really am shocked at how much money The Insurance Company makes on patients.

While I am very lucky to have insurance at all (I know some of you have paid out-of-pocket for many A.R.T. cycles with no insurance which boggles my mind... ) I am a bit miffed that my working for one of the largest IT companies in the world does not guarantee decent insurance. There was a time, oh, about 10 years ago when I had a plan that paid for e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. In fact, when I gave birth to David in 2003, I was on the hook for $20 in total for the entire pregnancy and delivery. Man, I had it good.

Then the economy started to change, and insurance companies got greedy, and corporations starting paying exorbitant premiums for employees and the bottom fell out. Each year, my medical insurance got more expensive for my portion (and more for my company), and "the great insurance plan that was" got worse in terms of coverage, deductibles, and coinsurance. Don't even get me started on medications. I once paid $5 for a prescription back then (any prescription!) and now I pay ridiculously high co-pays on that too, with some drugs not covered.

Large companies have drained their resources to provide decent insurance to their employees.

Small companies are put in an even worse spot being charged premiums that are crazy huge, and end up having to pass the buck to their employees.

My Dad is a small business owner (10-30 employees), and although my Dad picks up a portion of the premiums for his people, his employees STILL pay $900-$2000 A MONTH out of their paychecks to insure just themselves or their families. Can you imagine working just to pay for your healthcare? Many people are forced to do it... and when they absolutely can't, they just decline insurance altogether.

I currently have an 80/20 - 75/25 plan which means I fork out 20-25% of everything in-network (40% out of network). My maximum out-of pocket is pretty high (before the plan pays 100%) so I sweat out expense every year. If said pregnancy moves along on track, it is possible, however, that I reach that limit but I will be piss poor by then paying out the co-insurance.

And you know what? After all of my pissing and moaning I am still a lucky one. Because there are so many people who have no insurance at all.

I don't like to talk politics on my blog. For that matter not in my house either. (S. is Republican straight down the line, and I am the polar opposite).

Universal health coverage has always been a very difficult issue to discuss and engage which is why only lip service has been paid to it thus far with current and prior administrations. But I am fully expecting our next President to have a vision, a plan, and outright passion to get this topic on the front burner.

You hear that Hillary and Obama? I am counting on you to put actions to words. Don't make me waste my vote.

Let there be light

I made it to my u/s early today, and to be honest... sitting in that chair was a very different feeling compared to Friday. On Friday, my heart was thumping out of my chest and my feet shook like leaves as I sat in waiting in the u/s room.

Today I decided that whatever will be will be. When the nurse took my blood pressure and it was perfectly normal, she smiled and said..... "geez aren't you nervous?????"

I was happy to see my favorite RE, and he seemed goofily happy too. As I assumed the stirrup position, (and he prepped the infamous dildo-cam) he started making a drumming sound with his voice. And then, in his perkiest tone, said "Drumroll please!"

I thought I was on a game show waiting to see if I won the million dollars.

But it was better.

One fetal pole, measuring just right. One sac and yolk sac, just right...

And then he told me to hold my breath for a moment so he could zero in on the heart. As I gasped in the room full of air we saw the most beautiful sight.

A healthy heartbeat of 122bpm.

Visually just stunning. I honest to goodness felt like I had an out of body experience.

I'm still pregnant, and by god there is a real live baby in there! Not a dead one. Not a wait and see if it looks better baby.

Today is a miraculous day.

It's just one hurdle, but a BIG one for me.

Inconclusive

I don't know what to make of this morning's u/s.

They saw one sac (they think just one... there was some question that they saw something else but then decided there's just one), and a yolk sac. They couldn't get a good angle because of my weirdly tipped uterus. So no visualization of the fetal pole.

I'm supposed to go back next Tuesday. I'll be 6w3d then.

I don't know, I am kind of at a loss. This not good news. In fact, I am really worried. How could my numbers be so good, and have such a shitty u/s?

I feel like crying.

Love is...

Happy Valentine's Day!

This might sound a litle corny, but there is a song I listen to on my iPod that always makes me teary.

The weird thing is, I'm sure this song was meant to express the relationship between two soulmates, but when I hear it, I envison it as a poem from me to myself.

Specifically, this song has been a reminder of my infertility struggle and my struggle with self-image, and when I listen to it... it's a message from me to my physical body. The times we got along, and the times when I've been disappointed to the core. I was born in this body, and for 40 years I've been trying to make peace with it and love it. It is and continues to be a tough road.

If you aren't familiar with this song, it's an old Chaka Kahn song, titled "Love Me Still". If you have access to iTunes, go take a listen. It's a beautiful song.

Here is my hand for you to hold
Here's the part of me they have not sold
I've wandered far, I've had my fill
I need you now, do you love me still

Only you have seen the hidden part of me
Call me foolhardy if you will
But I loved you when, do you love me still

So many smiles and lies surround me
Empty expectations, faceless fears
Sometimes this life is a bitter pill
I love you now, do you love me still

You have been mine since time untold
Our love is immortal, don't you know
Others will come, and they will go
But I loved you young, I love you old

Only you have seen, the other side of me
Call me naive, I think you will
But I loved you then, do you love me still

Intestinal Fortitude

My tummy hurts.

I sound like my 4 year old, but it's true. My stomach is not feeling good. In fact, it's been doing topsy turvys for a week now. I thought it could be related to my current state, but as the days go by I am thinking it's a stomach bug. Everytime I eat something, my stomach starts to gurgle and I make a quick stage left exit to the ladies room.

This is not suprising... hubby has noted that a few of his co-workers have had an intestinal virus of some sort, so no doubt I either picked it up through him, or, more likely, my son's daycare. David rarely gets sick, but he's become a master at being the "carrier" for all sorts of illnesses.

The school posts all recent "outbreaks" on the parents board at the entrance. Today, we have pink eye (a usual one), and whooping cough.

Is it no wonder that I try to touch NOTHING entering or leaving the building??? You try opening a hinged door with an elbow. I've mastered each doorway and stairwell. I also keep disinfectant wipes in my car, and wipe my hands down as I'm leaving. I suppose if there was an option for a Hazmat Shower at the door, I'd use that too.

Ok, question for the masses.

Who here watches "Jon and Kate Plus 8" on TLC? My son loves this show (S. does too...secretly). All I have to say is I can feel my blood pressure rising at the mere thought of having 8 kids under age 6 in one house. The sextuplet thing makes me break out in hives.

I also just realized that the family in the show lives relatively close to me. And I also wonder who her RE was (it had to have been local, right?). And, what meds she was on (it had to have been injectibles/iui, because I can't imagine an RE would knowingly transfer 6 embryos via IVF. ) Did they ever talk about that on the show?

It just boggles the mind.

Well, back to work.

Two days to go.

5w3d

My last blood draw was today.

hCG= 6,185 !!
p4= 86.8

Since my numbers were getting high on the last beta (and the doubling rate slows down after hCG >1200), the RE would have been happy with a 72 hour doubling time. But I exceeded expectations with a 50 hour doubling time. Quite awesome.

My first ultrasound is Friday morning.

I am fearful to get too excited. But damn, those numbers are great.

Randomness and Obsessive Tendencies

So I braved the below zero wind chill to enroll my son at the local Catholic school. There were a ton of people there. All us parents huddled in the gym sitting at the kid's lunch tables looking like kids ourselves. Filling in the admissions applications with #2 pencils and then, standing in a single file line to hand in our manilla folders.

If you were a stranger peering in from the outside you would have thought the S.A.T. was going on. Dead silence.

The woman that took all my papers was nice enough. She made a few copies of some important documents, reviewed the papers, and was nice enough to let me attach a cover letter to the admissions form (my last ditch effort to make them see that we must. absolutely. have. to. be. accepted.)

So, I've done all I can and now we are in wait and see mode for the letter in the mail that determines the fate of David's education. Fun, no? Kind of like getting accepted to college. Except the tuition is a little less. lol.

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In pg news, no news is good news I guess. I had a minor meltdown yesterday when I just KNEW my pregnancy was doomed.

I just can't give myself a break. I was so obesessed with having/not having/having symptoms I was like a grenade ready to explode. Which now has proven my theory that I cannot enjoy a pregnancy no matter how good the signs are. These stupid miscarriages have robbed me of any sense of peacefulness.

Much like an addict, I guess.. I am always looking for the pregnancy "fix", in this case my beta tomorrow and upcoming ultrasound. I just want someone to tell me things are going to be okay. Look into the crystal ball, and tell me what I want to hear.

That's just not going to happen, so for now I am living day to day. Ok, maybe I fudged that a little. More like hour to hour.

==============

Today is hubby and I's 13th Wedding Anniversary. 13 years. I just can't believe how fast the time has gone. And everything we've been though...it's still quite a wild ride. Still best friends. Love you sweetie....

How about that...

Still very pregnant.

A perfectly doubling beta today @ 20dpiui.
hCG= 1,678 and P4= 70.8

That progesterone number is still up there. Amazing. I always fought low progesterone, so it's nice to see that a non-issue at the moment.

Next blood draw is Tuesday, and probably an ultrasound end of the week.

Still trying to take this all in. With the last four miscarriages, I never had good numbers to share. I could never relax and enjoy one day because I was always on the low end of everything. Low betas, low progesterone, no great news at all.

I should also say that yesterday I had an evening of the "sickies". I felt yucky whether I was eating or not eating. I don't remember ever having that reaction this early in a pregnancy.

So this is either the cruelest joke ever played on a human being, or maybe, just maybe I have a chance this time.

{crossing fingers tightly}

I need a diversion

Well, I've managed to get my mind-a-reeling doing something I shouldn't do..... asking Dr. Google for his take on yesterday's numbers. And after I did I freaked myself out with the possibilities good and bad.

Now that I've slept on it, I have a new perspective. I will handle whatever comes my way, one day at a time.

The next day being Friday, for blood draw number 3. Assuming that it goes ok (I hate to assume anything with my history) I am betting they will have me in for my first u/s next Tuesday (I would be 5w3d).

Until then, I am going to try to stop googling, and come up with some creative ways to fill the time.

Any ideas?? lol.

Breathe in, breathe OUT...

hCG= 630
p4= 52.6

And for the visual learners...


For today, I am OVER THE MOON!!!!!!

Paranoia

You know that feeling you get when you imagine falling from a tall structure. You know it's crazy to think it, but your heart leaps into your stomach and you feel like a thousand volts of energy has entered your body?

Yeah, it's like that.

That is what early pregnancy will do to a normal sane person. You analyze every sensation, every feeling. You cheer on your sore boobs. You are frightened that you feel pregnant, and just as frightened when you don't. How I wish I wasn't so farking jaded.

I went for my follow-up beta this morning. My hand was shaking as I signed in at the desk.

I really do need to chill out.

But I know better of me.

So I am pretending to work, but not really working. Just waiting for that phone call that buys me a couple hours of happiness or the life-ending bullet.

Stay tuned.

Waiting, wishing, hoping

Tuesday won't come soon enough to know if this pregnancy is on the right track.

That being said, I feel very pregnant in every way. Since the day before my BFP, I've had pretty ridiculous headaches. They do level off in their intensity, but they are constant. I can't remember if I had such bad headaches with David, but I certainly did not in the last failed pregnancies.

I am so happy that my progesterone is at a good level, because I always have fought low progesterone. Let's hope that remains a non-issue.

It's an odd place to be when you are waiting for that second beta. Wanting to be excited, but trying not to be too excited. I know all too well at doubling betas (for me anyway) don't equal a baby.

Thanks to you ALL for your well-wishes. It's nice to share a good day with my blogging friends.

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I had a really nice birthday dinner on Saturday. My Mom made a collage in a frame with pictures of me from baby to 40, and it was really cute. I haven't seen a picture of myself as a baby in years. Or, my incredibly long hair as a little girl which I chopped off at age 9 never to return again.

My brother and sister-in-law gave me a sterling silver trinket box with an engraving on the top. Very sweet. And S. gave me a litany of gifts at home (what inspired him I don't know), the best being a new eternity band ring.

And the topper was a chocolate chip mint filled yellow cake with white chocolate frosting. The best cake I ever tasted!

It was a really great weekend. Let's hope that carries into this week. ;-)

There was a time when this used to be FUN

Sweet and ironic 40th birthday gift.

Scared shitless.

Beta results coming this afternoon.

***UPDATE**** 13dpiui

hCG= 85, P4= 39

I need a moment to take this in. This is the best beta I've e-v-e-r had on 13dpo.

Tuesday will be draw #2.