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Thursday, January 31, 2008
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
So... I am also winding down the 2WW, and I have to tell you, I am reluctant to test. Today is 11dpiui.
First of all, I am out of HPT's, which makes the decision easier. Second, I have been on the progesterone suppositories for 9 days now, in hopes that I am supporting something that may or may not be there..... so no rush to test on that matter.
So, it is what it is, and there is nothing I can do at this point except wish for something good. So I am being a little lazy at the moment. Not wanting to know and wanting to know.
Symptom-wise, this month has been different. I know what it feels like to be pregnant and the early symptoms (after all, I've technically been pregnant 5 times), and this cycle has had me guessing and pondering. Little twinges here and there, sore boobs, headaches and such.
Which leads me to believe I have a very active imagination or I am feeling "it". I don't know anymore, I can't even be optimistic or pessimistic, so I half think I am purely mad.
Either way, I am waiting at the moment.
For courage or simply a moment of optimism.
Monday, January 28, 2008
You know, when I was young(er) I used to think 40 was one-step into the grave. Now that I am just about there, I'd love to slap myself in the face for thinking that for even a moment.
When my Mom turned 40, I was 19 and my brother was 16. My Dad had the great idea to throw my Mom a surprise party with a bunch of guests, and my brother and I thought, COOL! a party!
My Mom was surprised alright. She cried. Not tears of joy, but anger and sorrow. She was pissed to be 40. She wanted nothing of it.
As you might imagine, that party didn't turn out so well.
Often, I feel like a 21 year old, and yeah, there are those days when I feel much more than my age, but to be honest I have more good than bad days.
My teen years do seem long ago, and the memories do start to fade (a little) when the clock starts winding up. College seems like long ago (but not THAT long ago), and my twenties seem very not so long ago at all.
And my 30's? Well, they were a blur. I think I must have slept though most of them, because damn if they didn't go fast.
I guess that is how it goes, as we age. I am hoping that someday this blog serves as a record to remind me what I might forget when I reach 60? 70? 80?
The truth is, 40 is just fine with me.
If I weren't still desperately seeking fertility, I wouldn't be the least bit sad about it. 40 is only a number that bothers me when I think about my aging eggs.
And, hubby is newly 40 too... so we kind of are in this together.
I don't really have any plans this weekend (my birthday is Saturday). My Mom and Dad are taking me, hubby, David, and my brother, his wife, and kids to dinner. No shebang. No balloons or streamers. No large honking signs that say 4-0
My Mom promises to keep it on the down low. I guess she half expects the same reaction she gave us 21 years ago.
Truth is Mom,
I'm just groovy.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Really? Wow, it must be all those big words I use like poopy and dingbat.
Try the link to see the readability score of your own blog!
In other news, it's 6dpiui and I had my luteal check this AM. All is well, just another week of waiting. I didn't have to do the booster hcg shot... because last month I found out I was allergic to the generic version. Did I forget to mention this? My arm swelled up like a balloon. ooops. At least I am not allergic to Ovidrel.
And, I must tell you that I had a really nice tour of David's (I hope will be) new school for kindergarten. The atmosphere was great, the staff professional, and the kids just seemed to love it there. I was surprised at the technological advances in the classrooms. Laptops everywhere, and no blackboards. Well, let me rephrase that, there were blackboards, but they started using a new technology last year where they have these "Smartboards".... think Blackboard-sized computers that you can write/draw on and such. And I do love the religious aspect. I thought I was showing up for the 2 cent tour, but it actually was an entire half day of meeting the faculty and students. What was really cool, is the staff encouraged us to ask questions to the kids in the various classes (K-8). The kids were honest. It was funny, informative and pretty awesome.
Then, the buzzkill. Tuition is increasing 35% by 2010-11 (to coincide with the local diocese's plan...so each Catholic school in the region will eventually have the same tuition). I could handle that, not surprising. What isn't getting more expensive?
But then, the big question at the end of the day... how does the school choose students if the amount of registrations exceeds slots available? The Principal noted that first dibs goes to current families already in the school with siblings.... then parishioners, then ????
??? being they didn't elaborate. Reading between the lines, it means knowing someone that makes the decision is probably helpful. We are parishioners, we were married there (at the church), David was baptized there, and hubby's family have been members since 1976. You would think that puts us ahead of the game, but it doesn't. Because there are a ton of parents that have the same background we do. Yeah, our town is pretty small in ways.
So, it's time to find an angle. I guess it's true you will do anything when it comes to the well-being of your children. I am the kind of person that stays in the rules and doesn't mow people over. Sweetness and kindness have been my strengths, and I don't need to be that boisterous and overbearing parent.
Nope not me.
However, I foresee some buttering up of the staff is in order. I've got two weeks before registration day to work this out. ;-)
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Behold my totally random first rock album cover:
You're jealous, right?
Want to make your own? Head over to DD's link above and follow the instructions (because I'm too damn lazy to repost all the links).
Rock On Chicas!
p.s. Bonus points if you can name the group that released the album in my post title.
Hint: if you know me WELL, it's the group I slept out for tickets in FOUR cities in my younger years.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Since I lost all of my pets last fall, it's been eerily quiet at the BagMomma house.
I knew when a stranger or the UPS man was at my door because Teddi always barked to let me know. Around 3pm each day, she would come into my office, plop her fat ass down next to my chair and SIGH and YAWN. It was a good indication that the day of work was almost to a close.
My cat, Luke, would sit in my office on the heater vent in the winter, and on the window seat in the spring when I had the windows open. Occasionally he would meow at me. Or beg for a chin scratch.
He was my audience. They both were.
When I had an important presentation to deliver for work, I would do the dry run with my pets. They would listen intently and sometimes offer comment. They would "yawn" if my delivery was dry or monotone... as if to say "you are boring me".
When I had a bad day, Luke was my rock. When I cried, he would snuggle on my lap. I would pet him, and most times always feel better.
But now I have no audience. No one-sided conversations (except with some of the human dingbats I work with).
It's lonely here during the day.
Last weekend, we happened to walk into a local pet store so David could see the fish. And in the back (in the Adoption center) was Mr. Kitty.
Mr. Kitty (ironically, that's what hubby used to call Luke) was a black and white male cat, 5 years old. There was something about him that made me happy. I stared into his Plexiglas home and he stared back and meowed as he brushed against the glass. I read his dossier on the front... "Mr. Kitty was abandoned by his family when they moved out of state and couldn't take him with them."
My heart was heavy. How could someone leave a gorgeous looking cat behind just because they moved??? I just couldn't fathom it.
We left the store and since Saturday, all I've thought about is Mr. Kitty.
Because this weekend, we are going back.
If Mr. Kitty is there, he will come home with me.
Monday, January 21, 2008
So, Saturday's IUI went off without a hitch. But I should divulge how the day started.
David and I left the house for a trip to Dunkin Donuts (coffee for me, Munchkins for the little guy) because S. was, shall we say,..... busy. When we got in the car, I looked down at the odometer which read 6666.6 (ewwww) and as the satellite station came up as we backed out of the garage, we heard the chorus of the Beach Boys song,
"Don't Worry Baby"
Dont worry baby
Dont worry baby
Everything will turn out alright
In hindsight, it felt like a page from a Stephen King novel. You know, how he introduces symbolism that negates each other.... positive/negative, good/bad, yin/yang. And he loves to quote songs in his books that completely leave you wondering.... what the??
But I digress.
So I get to the Faraway RE's Office, drop off the sample, and they tell me to come back in 90 minutes for the IUI. So I am left traipsing through Target for things I don't need (cute Valentine's stuff btw) and when I arrive back at the RE's office I am in a sea of waiting patients (every chair was occupied). That's what I hate most about Faraway RE's Office.... it's so huge it's intimidating. I like the staff and the smallness of my local office.
Anyway, as I am waiting this woman comes in and she looks odd. Her hair is wet (its freezing outside), she's sporting pajamas (hello, it's noon) and a Philadelphia Eagles coat. And she's talking to herself. And she continues to talk to herself as she's signing in, as she's hanging her coat, as she's getting a magazine, as she's sitting in the chair. I am thinking, "this woman is a loon".
And then, she turns to the other 25 people in the VERY SILENT waiting room and says (loudly) "Ya'll having a nice day????"
Ummmmm, yeah. We're here for shits and giggles you freak.
Everyone ignores her, and miraculously her name is called and she disappears into the back, but you can still hear her talking the nurse's ear off about how bad AF is and she will need to go to the bathroom RIGHT NOW.
You can't help but giggle at that. And, I guess its true that infertility can effect insane people too. lol.
Anyhoo, the IUI went well. Hubby's sample, although slightly lower post-wash than last time, had great motility 92%. And I am very sure I ovulated shortly after. Very pronounced pain from both sides. And, we did abide by Dr.P's orders, and sealed the deal again Saturday night. Couldn't have done anything better this cycle.
And now, we wait again.
And speaking of the 2WW, I just have to give a shout out to one of my oldest online buddies, Beka. She got a blazing BFP over the weekend. If there is anyone in the world I want to be pregnant more than myself, it's Beka. It's been a long road for her.
Sticky vibes to you sister, I have a feeling this one's the keeper. xo
Friday, January 18, 2008
This has been a long week for me (aren't they all?) but this one was really pushing my limits. Just everything coming from all sides....
So, I had my final follie check for this cycle, today is CD 12. I didn't mention, but my RE upped my dosage when I had sped up and then spun my wheels after 6 days of stims.
For the last two days, I went to 3 vials (225 IU) of Gonal-F. Today, as if the fairy godmother herself had waved her wand over my ovaries, were 3 mighty fine looking ready-to-go mature follies. Large and in charge. The thing that was different than last cycle (as I was looking at the u/s) was the follies were perfectly round and so pronounced. I have four on the L (two mature)and three on the R (one mature), but when he looked at the left, the shadow from one of the follies cast what looked like a smiley face on the largest follicle. Even the nurse saw it, and we joked about it. Let's hope that happy egg is the golden egg.
I triggered this morning at 7am, and have my IUI scheduled for later tomorrow.
And here's an interesting fact. I gave myself the trigger in the RE's office, which is the first time I actually did an injection myself. Since I received all the stims in my upper arm, Hubby was the only dispenser of injections until today. I really don't have a fear of giving myself injections, I just never had the occasion to. It was a little freaky but very cool.
The only downside this time is we have to go to Faraway Office for the IUI. Which means, if you see a Black SUV whizzing down Route 73 tomorrow in NJ, it will be me with S.'s swimmers. Please make way for the crazy infertile.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
I am having a bit of a time with parting with my data. I keep a box for each year and organize into folders for bank cards, utilities, investments, health/medical stuff, insurance, etc.
The reality is once I get through the year, the only thing I ever pull out again is usually tax related items. Because, drilled into my head from previous experience is the fact that the only really important stuff to hang onto are tax files.
Now that I do 75% of my bill paying online, I have less paper, but I'm still buried from accumulated paper over the years.
We've been married for almost 13 years, hence almost as many boxes cluttering my upstairs closet. I did make an effort, oh, about 6 years ago to weed through the data, and I consolidated 3 years into one box.... but then I got bored and never finished.
I don't want to turn into my MIL and have 40 years of data rotting in the basement.
So what do you all do for organizing your household paperwork? What do you keep? What do you toss?
And more importantly, how do you dispose the data? I have TWO shredders that worked for like a month, and died. I'm not buying an industrial shredder for one clean-up effort. But I must shred and have no resources to shred large quantities of paper.
Because I am buried in useless paper that would be much happier as recycled paper.
And I want my space back.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Did you watch American Idol last night? It was my hometown (Philly) night, and I am now convinced that I live in the land of crazies and crack whores. Most of the people that got through to the next round weren't even from Philadelphia. Am I going to do another season of weekly AI posts here when the finals start? Hmmmmmm... I don't know, I'll have to see if the mood strikes me.
Work.... has been heinous. I am working myself into the ground, all while surfing job postings. I've decided I need a change.
I started walking two weeks ago as a means to get healthier and lose weight while I am in infertility hell. Yesterday, I almost had a heart attack when a neighbors dog (tied to a tree... don't get me started) lunged at me as I walked by and almost cracked its neck. That's the second time in two weeks that I had a dog incident. Now I know why people use treadmills. It's not always safe on the mean streets of the Jersey suburbs.
It's 3 weeks to my 40th birthday (Feb. 2nd). Sigh.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Monday, January 14, 2008
Every other day, every other day
Every other day of the week is fine, yeah
But whenever Monday comes, but whenever Monday comes
A-you can find me cryin' all of the time
I'm feeling a little on the yuck side today. No, I'm not sick (at least I hope I'm not getting sick). I'm just feeling.... I don't know... that kind of BLAH. Where nothing is very colorful, and nothing is exciting or even interesting.
Even my coffee doesn't taste good today. That's really a travesty!
I'm avoiding work today. It's a mixture of just being a little burnt out lately, and the fact that it dawned on me that I may have to make a very important decision as to where my career is going in the next month. You see, January is "clean-up" month around my organization. We do yearly reviews, wrap up projects, talk about the coming year directions, and we have the "career" discussions.
So my boss fills me in on some changes coming down the road and offers me a slightly different direction (based on a huge acquisition coming on). After which I can hear the clock ticking down. The decision clock.
I am in SUCH A QUANDARY.
I can either stay in the general area/job role I'm currently in -OR- leave the organization and go to a new division/new job.
As you know, I knew this decision was coming. I was dreading it. Because as you might imagine, my infertile status has pretty much driven my career over the last two years... playing the "what-if" game. What if I am, what if I'm not. What if I have to travel more? What if a new manager doesn't like the fact that I am pursing an important personal goal that limits my schedule??
Reasons to stay put with my same manager is I don't have to reexplain my status... but the "different direction" is still essentially the same job. I have to work my ass off, but I can pop on and off the radar at will with the blessing of my manager. However, I am hating this job. Well, hate is a strong word. I don't like it anymore... it's tedious, boring.
A new job would be invigorating, but the downside is I can lose the support of my management with the infertility stuff. I could end up traveling more. The job may end up less stressful, but I wouldn't know in what ways that would manifest. I would be a newbie again, and have to prove myself again.
Having said that, if I wasn't in infertility hell, I would take a new job, hands down. It would be an easy decision. I've been ready to go a totally different route since this time last year when I was promoted.
I'm bitter. I'm bitter and pissed that my infertility has seeped into my work. And any decisions I make are based on it. Compartmentalizing isn't working anymore. I need to find a happy medium... and I am sooooo far from it. F&^K!!
In other news, it's Stim Day 5 here (didn't that go fast?) and I am a little ahead this cycle in terms of follie size, so not sure what that means at the moment. I guess depending on my bloodwork from this morning, they may tweak my dose. I had two lead follies on the left, and three on the right... all similar in size and larger than this point last cycle.
Oh Monday, Monday...
Thursday, January 10, 2008
The only snag I ran into preparing for this cycle was the meds. Or I should say the accessories to the meds. I got my new shipment of meds yesterday sans syringes and tips for IM injection. So I called the Speciality Pharmacy Unit to ask if they would please send more (I have some left over from last cycle but not enough since they shorted me the first time). The asked me why, and THREE times I proceeded to tell them, yes, I have the Gonal-F vials and Sub-q needles, but I can't use the ones that come in the box. I need IM. Three "specialty pharmacist specialists" (say that ten times fast) later it finally dawns on them what I am asking for.
On the upside, my RE was willing to let me coast of 4 days of stims and come in on Monday instead of hoofing it to the faraway office over the weekend for my check-in. That makes me happy.
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
If you are a long time reader, you may remember me blogging about this topic a year or so ago. We were stressing the decision as to where to start David's official education.
Since our daycare doesn't do full day kindergarten (which saddens me, really, because I LOVE the school) we have the following choices:
1. Full day Kindergarten at a private school (closest I am considering is 30 minutes away... the other is 45 minutes away).
2. Full day Kindergarten at our local Catholic school.
3. Half day Kindergarten at local public school.
Full day @ private school is very expensive and I would need to drive David back and forth on my own (and it's the furthest in miles from my home). The quality of the education is unknown (depends on the teacher and the school curriculum).
Catholic school is full day, but only until 2:45pm. Aftercare would be needed for an hour or two.
Half day @ public school would be a nightmare. I would still have to find and pay for 1/2 day of daycare (which negates the free part of public school). The worst part would be coordinating the bus and the drive to aftercare. Technically, half-day at our public school is 2 1/2 hours total "in-school" time. And you don't know if you get AM or PM session until 3 weeks before school starts. Yeah, I know....The pros:
Full day at private school is least disruptive to mine and hubby's working day.
Catholic school is only 1/3 the cost of private school and is just two miles away, very close. They provide free busing. And, they have the option to provide aftercare on site for a minimal fee. The school has a great rep for a good education.
No pros for public school, except to say that technically I am paying property taxes and school taxes, so it's free but not really free. The quality of education is ok, but not stellar.Hubby and I are leaning towards the Catholic school big time. S. has a strong affinity for the religious aspect (we are raising David as a Catholic). I like the school's reputation. I must admit, I am not Catholic (raised Protestant), but we are parishioners there, and I've thought about converting. Pondered, lol. Those of you who know me in real life are probably shocked at that statement.
The big con for Catholic school, it's harrrrrd to get in. Really hard. There's a pecking order, and we qualify as we are parishioners (and we were married there and had David christened there). But we are not the big fish in the church. We are guppies amidst a sea of salmon, bluefish, and sharks.
Registration is Feburary 11th. I will arrive early and throw myself on the mercy of the staff to please let my kid in.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
I was busy CLEANING, and S. and David decided to rock out in a unique way. Sorta.
(pssst... don't tell hubby I posted this)
Thanks you guys, for your comments yesterday and e-mails. Who commented that I sounded sad but not devastated? It think it was you MM, and you are pretty dead on.
I am ok about it. Sad and bitter, but ok.
Because, in the world of IF a new cycle starts the beginning of a new chance. And, really, what's better than living your life in two-week increments?? Yes, sarcasm indeed.
So, Thursday marks another Day 3 scan and bloodwork and the start of the dreaded IM injections. Actually, I lie. The injections are not that bad at all. S. is now an injection whiz, and I have it down to a science, really. At least they make me feel like I am working towards something, which is a good mind diversion.
It also helps to get moving onto a new cycle before the bills come in for the previous one. lol.
Sigh... I don't know guys. It's been 2 1/2 years of this rollercoaster. Maybe I need a Plan B.
Actually, Plan B is IVF, so maybe I need a Plan C.
Monday, January 07, 2008
Friday was the last day I had a positive HPT. The booster/trigger was gone by Saturday, and alas....
no second line to be found.
I was upset about this Saturday night. It means my dream of at least being pregnant before my 40th birthday is gone. I bitched, moaned, and drank a couple of glasses of wine. Then I whimpered on the couch and had another glass of wine. Then I went to bed and couldn't sleep. The pits.
I don't feel all that much better today, but I have no choice but to move onward. AF just started mere moments ago, so in a couple of days I'll be back at the RE's for a CD3 scan.
We will do one more shot with injectibles/IUI (hopefully we can get the go to start right into another cycle... I have meds left).
If the next is a bust, we aren't wasting anymore $$ for meds and u/s, when we can get a better chance at IVF. But getting to IVF means the end of the road and money is near.... which is scary.
I leave you with two thoughts for the day:
Windows Vista sucks.
I hate to fail.
2008, how could you piss me off already??? It's only the first week of the year.
ok, I guess that was three thoughts.
Friday, January 04, 2008
Yeah, yeah, I know... but I can't help it. Stay with me for a sec.
She is obviously OUT of her EVER 'LOVIN mind, and not a stable parent for those sweet boys. Whether "The Media" fluffs the story or not, she has displayed outright disregard for the legal system, and appears to have no interest in being a role model to her kids or even present in her own life for that matter.
As a mom, it breaks my heart that she is just spinning out of control under the watchful eye of the world. I have to imagine that someone in her life has attempted to intercede, and I feel badly for those who have tried to help her to no avail. What a tough situation to be in. K-Fed (who is probably "fed" up with her antics...lol) reportedly showed up at her bedside last night probably trying to talk some sense into her (or I hope telling her he's going to seek full custody).
Why the legal system keeps giving her chances to further prove she is a poor example of a mother is beyond me. You know that if this scenario happened to one of us non-celebs, our kids would be in custody of Family Services so fast our head would spin.
This is a lost girl that has one foot in the grave. Somebody, anybody, please stop her.
Ok, I said my peace. Back to regular BagMomma reading. ;-)
Thursday, January 03, 2008
I had this crazy idea, back before Halloween... that for each holiday of "stuff/decor" I was going to buy color-coordinating containers to put stuff in rather than miscellaneous cardboard boxes. So all my Fall decor is in orange 18-30 gallon plastic containers... and now (after raiding Target of the last clearance aisles) 10 red and green containers for the holiday decor.
The goal is to get rid of as much cardboard as possible.
All of David's (baby) clothes that he outgrew are also in big blue containers. Stacked in the corner should we ever need them again.
The crazy thing about all of this, is I feel so much better not wading through junk downstairs anymore. There was a time (before the basement was partially finished) when our basement was a graveyard... a dumping ground. When we were forced to organize and throw out stuff it took us TWO FULL DAYS and an entire dumpster.
Soon I can rest easy that my basement is a friendly environment, and not have that perpetual monkey on my back that I need to clean and organize. Sometimes tasks like that can be so overwhelming.
Next up after the basement is finito, the walk-in closet above the garage. 7x10 feet of more stuff I probably don't need. Half of it is old baby stuff. Most days when I have to venture in there for something I don't spend a lot of time. It's currently a wasted space that could function as a sitting room, or a crafts room.
No matter what happens this year, I do plan to get rid of all of the contents (some of the stuff can't be reused anyway). I feel like having it stare me in the face is doing me no good. Just a reminder that I've been perpetually waiting for 2 1/2 years.
Cleaning is good. Sorta like cleansing the soul at the same time.
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
I went to Target a few days ago and bought three boxes of HPT's (one was a bonus box) so I had 7 tests at my disposal. I figured I'd go with the cheaper ones (they are Target brand) to track the HcG in my system. Saving the FRERs for the big test day.
I opened them yesterday just to test one. And I found they are those stupid blue dye tests (I much prefer the pink dye). It is nice to pee on something knowing you will see a positive, and my test HPT did not disappoint. If only all my tests looked that good!
I think the quandary here is since I had the HcG booster @ 7dpiui (another 10,000 units), I imagine that if I see a negative at all over the next week, it's probably bad news. RE wants to wait until 1/8, when the second booster should be out of my system.
Theoretically, since this Friday is 14dpiui, I would know the outcome by then. But now I have this booster to contend with mucking up my plans and making simple math into algebra.
This is just outright torture.