It wasn't a banner year at the BagMomma house. In fact, it pretty much exceeded my worst expectations.
Two more miscarriages, Dad's cancer, the loss of my only two pets, the death of a beloved family friend, employment woes for both S. and myself... ugh....shall I go on? Every time I was faced with a new low, another lower low was ready to step in and take its place.
I do not understand how The Cosmos finds certain people worthy to face unimaginable hardships, and others with riches of blessings beyond their wildest dreams. I guess that's a mystery of life we'll never solve.
Imagine an old-fashioned set of scales. I am always usually teeter-tottering on even. Usually I am lucky to not end up on the sinking end, but this year has ended with a thump to the bottom. A year designed to teach a lesson I did not learn appropriately in 2006. Yes, it has been pretty depressing.
LOSS has been my numero uno companion (again) for 2007.
So I am forced to ask myself... what did I learn this year? Is there a message to this?
One observation I made this year is when you go through a rough patch in your life (whether it's week, a month, a year, or more) sometimes people tend to alienate themselves from you without knowing. I think it's human nature, really. People don't like trainwrecks. They pause to gasp at the sadness of the situation, and they move on.
I suppose it's the same thing when people lose dear loved ones. Shortly after everyone goes back to their own lives. The cards, the cakes, the cookies, the pre-made dinners are over, the flowers wilt.... life goes on.
And unfortunately, not everyone goes along for the ride or turns back to see if you are still present.
I'll admit, I was very lonely in 2007. A gaping hole that S., nor David could not quite fill. I have always been the mother, the nurturer to many in my life. It's a little unnerving to say I lost a lot of that in 2007, because where does the nurturer go when YOU are the one that needs lifting up? I spent a lot of time being sad and feeling sorry for myself which is a bad cycle, a HARD cycle to get out of. You spend many days down in the dumps waiting for someone, ANYONE to throw you a life preserver.
As I fail at each attempt to bring another baby into the world, I fade into the periphery. Perhaps the people around me are afraid to say anything, or they are uncomfortable. Which I totally understand. But really the worst disservice to a person in my situation is to lose hope for the person experiencing it. And each time I become pregnant, I feel like those around me are expecting me to fail. So they stand back and remain silent. And when it does fail, they step back even further.
So, yes, relationships were another burden of truth for me in 2007. Sometimes, you can give and give and give until it hurts, but you cannot expect a return on your investment. Another lesson learned.
I learned that I needed to take an assessment of my work life. I was working hard, getting nothing in return but more work and aggravation and STRESS. I've racked my brain trying to account for all my options... what if I change jobs? what if I go part-time? should I keep progressing up the corporate ladder? will it bring me more satisfaction or just more of what I don't want?
That question will probably remain to be answered for 2008.
This time last year, despite the pitfalls of 2006, I was very hopeful. I'd like to think I am still hopeful for something better. But I would be lying if I said my "glass half-full" attitude is still 100% in effect. I feel a bit beaten down. The Universe is chipping away, and I am busy trying to crazy glue the pieces back together at the same time. My glass is leaking, ever so slowly against my will.
I know, REALITY CHECK, Shelli. There is a lot adversity in the world, and I KNOW I am more fortunate than many. This post does not discount that fact that others have way more burdens than me. But...
Yes, everything is relative.
But relatively speaking, I ask that 2008 be kind to my family. I pray that I have seen the bottom of the valley, that the road is uphill and clear, and that light at the end of the tunnel comes into view. I pray for clarity. I wish to repair some of the bruises I left on others and hope they will do the same for me.
Darn. I didn't want this to be a drawn-out negative post, but now that I've read it, it is sort of a downer. I pondered using the DELETE button, but where would that leave me? Life is positive and negative, and sometimes you just have to talk about the bad stuff. I HAD TO acknowledge this (to myself) because I feel like I have to spit it out in order to move forward.
And I will move forward. Surely there are better days ahead.
2008 here I come.