Ready or not!

I'm ready for the onslaught. I have my 5 jumbo bags of candy (560 pieces of candy) at the ready. Wait, your balking at the 560 pieces of candy aren't you? In this neighborhood, that will last only until about 6pm.

So I went to my RE appointment yesterday and we are gearing up for the next cycle. I am 10 days into this one, so assuming we can get the meds ordered and delivered in time, we will be ready to begin sometime around Turkey Day.

I have to laugh when I think about my RE's office. They are all so stinkin' nice there, and when they saw me walk in with my husband they all clapped and yelled 'woot'! S. was like...what the hell??? They were celebrating my hCG return to zero. Dr. V said they will be posting a plaque in the hallway with my unique distinction as the patient with the most blood draws waiting to hit zero. Yeah, right.

So we went over the plan, which is 2 or 3 cycles of injectibles with IUI, and if that doesn't work, onto IVF. Dr. V whipped out his fact sheets for everything we are doing, reviewed the process (for S.'s benefit really, since he missed the last consult in August).... and we are on our way.

We are hoping that going this route will produce better egg quality. Obviously, I've been serving up crappy eggs in the last year. Dr. V is optimistic for us. He still thinks my RPL is random bad luck, and I still have a good chance of one of these pregnancies sticking. After all, we have exhausted all the tests (thyroid, clotting, immune panel, etc. etc. which all are boringly normal). Even though getting pregnant has not been a big issue with S. and I in the past (sans the 'questionable' right blocked tube which may or may not be blocked), Dr. V suggested having S. do an SA this month just to see if anything has changed on his end.

So, between now and then, Dr. V says... "feel free to try to get pregnant this month on your own". And I'm thinking, damn, it's been a long time since we were in babymaking mode. And, should I try to start charting again just this month so I can at least know when AF should arrive (No charting of course during monitored cycles but I guess I should just for this one).

I also need to schedule an appointment with the nurse so S. can learn how to give me the shots. They need to be IM (inter-muscular, preferably in the arm) because I am not a lightweight by any means. I am jealous of all you ladies than can get away with those scrawny SQ pens.

So, there we are.

After all this time, we really are moving forward.

Shall I whip out my Goddess of Fertility costume?

Did you know that there are at least 25 Fertility Deities? Here I am thinking of the obvious ones like Aphrodite and Venus, but upon Googling I found one for every nationality, religion, and ethic background. My choices for Halloween are now endless. lol.

Come on, anything to increase my odds. You know I am game.

Well, now that the hCG drama has reached an end, we are moving forward. I have a consult with my RE this afternoon regarding next steps. On my mind at present, when this current light AF will end (I'm on Day 10), and is it still considered the last of the miscarriage or if it does count as the start of a new cycle.

Hopefully, my body has not forgotten how to get back in gear.... it HAS been 6 months since my last cycle.

And, of course, the topic of medical insurance and how much I'm going to have to ante up that insurance won't pay for. For all of my readers/friends who have BTDT, I will probably have some questions for you all when I get there. I get the feeling that my RE's office is above average at the insurance game. They make a point to give you a novel at the start of each segment detailing what is/is not covered, and they do make an effort to get as much covered as possible. When we had talked about injectibles a few months back, I put together a list of all that they use and what is/is not on my formulary, and they laughed and produced an even better form with my cost per avg. cycle by individual med./combo.

And here I thought I was the Type A personality.

So, I will return with an update later on that. As well, I am picking up David early from daycare after my appointment so we have some time to carve a pumpkin. David loves to pull out the insides of a pumpkin (he's a boy after all), and who am I to not let him get his hands dirty?

This year, David has TWO costumes... one for school, and the other for Trick-or-Treat... because I learned the hard way that the costume he wears to school never quite makes it home in one piece. Or at all for that matter.

He will be a policeman for school (Target 14.99 special, lol) and a fire fighter for Halloween eve. My goal this year (again, learned the HARD way) is to not let him ingest ANY sugar before going out. Last year, he was so hyped up on sugar we barely made it to 6 houses before he started stripping off his pirate costume.

Lessons learned. ;-)

Loss and dog biscuits

As I sit here at my desk on Monday, I am reminded that 'life goes on', in all aspects.

After the events of Last Thursday at work, the remainder of my team are back to business... as if nothing has happened. Well, except we have less people to do more work.

This morning, after I dropped off David at school, I carried on with my morning ritual. That is, until I got home. I was so used to being greeted by Teddi, and when I opened the door from the garage, it was dead silence. Not even my cat was in sight.

How is it possible that I miss this dog? I guess the answer is that old saying 'you don't know what you have until it's gone' applies here. Never in a million years would I have expected to be so sad to see her go.

For me, I think losing Teddi was an extension of the feelings of loss I've had over the last two years. When we sat with Teddi as the doctor put her to sleep, all I could think of was loss. I whispered in her ear to take care of my babies in heaven. And I cried. I knew it was her time, and I was okay with that... I just had my fill of loss I guess.

I had so many plans when the day came that we were dog-free again. I know this sounds kind of cold, but there were some things that grated on me about having Teddi around. For one, she completely destroyed the hardwood floors. She was a shedder. And, it was hard to have strangers in the house with her around (she was always overly protective).

I've always said that I had a short list of things I would complete in short order after Teddi's departure:
1. Refinish the floors
2. Hire a maid to deep clean the house twice a month

Those things are on the radar, I'll admit. But the fact remains that this weekend was the oddest in years without that old girl. S. has taken this quite hard, but he has been good about letting David know that when he's sad and crying, it's because he misses Teddi too. Let me tell you, it is 200% more heartbreaking to see a 40 year old man cry over the loss of his dog.

David understands Teddi is not coming back. We talked to him about it on Friday, and as all kids do, he has proved himself resilient and accepting to the fact his dog is gone. Upon asking him about Teddi, his response is "Teddi is in heaven with her Mommy and Daddy Dog, and she's not sick anymore."

This morning he told me that he had a good dream about Teddi. That she was "eating all the biscuits she wanted in heaven, and she was happy running though the woods."

Children sometimes surprise us with their clarity and strength. If I could bottle that and apply it to myself, well, that would be something wouldn't it?

Farewell, friend

David and Teddi, June 2003

David and Teddi, August 2007

Our dear dog Teddi June was put to sleep today.

Her tests came back with the news we already knew.

We had the option to bring her home, but she would have been sick and on medication and honestly, she was too spunky a dog to go like that. Plus, I was worried that it would affect David having her home in that condition. He already gave her a hug and a kiss yesterday before we took him to school, and I prefer that be his last sweet memory of his dog.

S. is torn. He sobbed last night looking at her things around the house, knowing she may never come home. I know Teddi coming home would just be a long and drawn out goodbye for him.

Truth be told, I have had a love/hate relationship with Teddi over the years. Those of you who know me IRL can attest to that fact.

She was the only dog I ever owned, and the dog that got me over the fear of all dogs (I was bit by a rabid German Shepard at the age of five).

What I will miss most is her love for David. She was the grande dame of the house for 8 years before David came along, yet she was able to accept her place as #2 when the time came. She put up with hair pulling, poking, and teasing for the last 4 years and grew to love him. She was a companion and a guard. And even though she had a piercing bark you loved to hate, the fact of the matter is she was a part of our family (a big part) for almost 13 years.

It will be oddly quiet without her.

They say that the spirits of animals live on with us like dust in the wind. They really never leave our side.

Peace be with you, my dear Teddi. We will miss you.

Shock and Awe

Where do I start?

Today has been a day of sadness and shock.

I awoke to my husband informing me that our dog, Teddi, was extremely ill. She hasn't been herself all week (something was up, she was just a shade off from her normal routine). Then last night happened. She was up all night in some sort of pain, and then, this morning she was barely able to breathe, eat, drink, or stand. S. took her to the vet this morning and they have been running tests all day. So far, the news has not been great. Cancer is very probable, and it looks very invasive. We are surprised that her decline is happening so quickly. She is almost 13 years old, a senior dog, and up till last week, she still had that spunk about her. We are now very sad that she is now suffering. Teddi will remain at the veterinary hospital overnight, and we will get the final bloodwork results tomorrow morning. We are not optimistic.

As this is going on, my boss calls to inform me that a major 'resource action' (layoff) was occurring today in my group. My heart stopped (I've been on the bad side of these actions twice in 15 years).

She then informed me that I was one of the FEW remaining employees on the team. I was not laid off, BUT we have to absorb the work. Now, if you are a regular reader to my blog, you know I am on pins and needles with this job as it is. Now the reality will be I am on my own and have no one to delegate to. Considering my company is having the best year profit-wise, I am a bit shocked that this is happening.

Actually, I've been sitting at my desk comatose for the last 3 hours mumbling incoherently and swearing.

Oh yeah, and since yesterday, I've also gotten what I might describe as, oh, my PERIOD (or something that strongly resembles AF and a new cycle). The irony, the irony. An event I've been waiting for since July. And celebrating is the least thing on my mind.

BagMomma loves: The PurseSitter

I'm excited to share with you the most adorable handbag accessory find.

The PurseSitter!

What a novel idea. It's literally a stylish purse hanger for your handbag. No more putting that expensive/fragile purse on the floor of a restaurant or bar and subjecting it to gosh knows what. Ewww, let's not think about it. Not to mention the security issue of having your bag at your feet or on the back of a chair. Truth is, I've spent many evenings with my handbag on MY LAP for an entire meal because there was no way I was going to set my beloved purse on the floor.

When ChicFashion contacted me about this gem of a product, I literally jumped of my chair (really, I did). And then I oogled over the styles and colors. One to fit every woman's personality. And they are exquisitely handmade with Swarovski crystals and enamel.

My Mom, who is the purveyor of ALL things fashionable (and the 'original' BagMomma) will be getting a few of these for the holidays. Finally, a gift I know she would LOVE and doesn't have!

Please take a moment to visit the official PurseSitter site!

And start some early holiday shopping... for YOURSELF and then maybe your mom, sister, cousin, daughter, best friend, hair stylist, nail technician, babysitter, your children's teacher, etc., etc., etc. You get the idea.

Zero

4 months since the diagnosis of my 4th loss.
12 weeks since my miscarriage.
7 weeks of hCG monitoring, and 16 blood draws.

I am finally at zero. Able to move on.

Next stop, the 2ww for AF to arrive. I could be imagining things, but I have been feeling like my ovaries are waking up from their slumber.

I'll feel better once I get to my 1st cycle post m/c, but for now, I feel like a huge albatross is off my back.

Finally.

Perhaps I should consider a life as 'Bubble Girl'

I knew this weekend was off to a great start when David showed signs of sickness. He had 'a frog' in his throat (his words) and spent most of Friday night tossing and turning, getting out of bed and driving S. and I crazy.

But by Sunday, he was much better. Just a cold, I think, that really started the beginning of last week when I think about it.

So was I surprised that last night I had that "scratchy feeling" in my throat? Not really.
And was I surprised that I woke up at 1am with a raging sore throat? Nah.
And this morning, when I puked in the shower? damn, now that's just not right.

Yes, meet Shelli. Perpetual sickie. Unable to go 4 weeks without an illness. Able to contract anyone's germs in a single breath.

The thing that is bizarre is I'm very much a clean freak. I wash my hands in scalding hot water many times daily. Lysol is my friend on all kitchen and bath surfaces. I just seem to be in an illness rut.

Complicating factors other than my son's germ infested school?

I had my flu shot on Saturday. A girl with history of flu in the winter AND summer can never be too careful. Do I think that opened my body to killer white cells on the attack? Honestly, I don't think it's likely. I've been getting flu shots for the last 10-12 years with no ill effect.

But I am, sick.

Again.

Tortured by late/middle-of-the-night TV in my recliner. Enduring reruns of Designing Women, Lifetime Television, and bad infomericals. Just me and the cat, awake at 3am popping 4 Advils at a time (me, not the cat).

Hmmmmpf.

And, I haven't told you about my blood draws. Truth is, I am still in hCG hell. Last weeks went up 1 point (RE calls it 'the same'). I had another one this morning. I am preparing myself for bad news because, really, is there ever any good news for me?

Blogging Granny

It's Friday, you made it!

This has been a looooong week, but before I disappear into my real work today, I had to share this with you.

I came across this fine gem yesterday about the OLDEST blogger. I thought it was me, but who knew???

This sweet woman is 108 years old, and she's still got a lot to say! Check it out:

Oldest Blogger at 108 Years Old

You know what that means, right? I have at least another 68 years left of blogging in me. lol.

Purse truths

Click to enlarge

Sleepwalking

I don't know how I got here.

These words manifest themselves in the oddest of situations.

You know how you drive your car to a destination, and once you get there, you think to yourself... "Gosh, I don't even remember driving here"? That happens to me more often than I like to admit... and I know the reason... My mind is in overdrive thinking about a gazillon things, yet somehow I miraculously still get to where I'm going.

Autopilot.

Imagine if that scenario takes over in other areas. You just do what you have to to get though the day. And then you wake up and realize you've been sleepwalking though life.

I am Shelli, and I am a sleepwalker.

It became evident yesterday when I had that "how did I get here" moment.

I was drying my hair in the bathroom listening to the radio. I put on my makeup. I put on my earrings and ring, and got dressed.

I made lunch for David.

I drove him to school. I dropped him off, hung up his jacket under his cubby and set out his breakfast at the table with his friends.

I drove home, along the way stopping at Dunkin Donuts for my large coffee with just cream please.

I got home and turned on my laptop, dialed in for my 9am meeting with my boss.

And it hit me.

I didn't remember how I got to my chair. Two and a half hours of my morning routine, and I couldn't recall being mentally awake for any of it.

In the middle of my one-on-one with my manager (coincidentally a development meeting about my career)..... I blurted it out.

"I don't know if I can do this job anymore."

Wait, did I really just say that, or did I imagine it up in my head??

Nope, I said it.

My boss is a dear friend of mine. We were friends and co-workers long before she managed my team. She was a bit taken back, rightfully so. But considering what I've been though lately, she was not very surprised at all.

We continued to chat, and normally the chat always helps me set my head back on straight. The message we agreed on, "think through my feelings, reevaluate, work will always wait". But the thought of that..... it wasn't the waiting part that made me feel better.

I couldn't care less what was waiting. In fact, I wished that the work would just disappear.

After I hung up I had the worst pain in my stomach, like my heart took a nose dive to my knees. What am I thinking?? How did I get here?

And, now that I am at this crossroads of sorts, what do I do? I've always loved my work, I defined myself by my strong work ethic. So it seem very odd to say I am questioning that.

Maybe it's the role I'm in, or maybe it's just the personal stress starting to corrode away my energy, and my passion. Whatever it is, I need to figure this out. Tape some options up on a dartboard or something and fire away. I just can't be in this state of mind anymore.

I guess the first thing to do it stop sleepwalking. Because, sleepwalking whether traditional or non-traditional, is most definitely not a good thing.

In fact, it can be downright dangerous.

Pumpkin Patch

Searching for the perfect specimen...

Remembering

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

So, on this day I remember my children I lost and still love.

"Peanut" Miscarried April 15th, 2006 @ 11w2d
My second peanut that never got started Miscarried August 16th, 2006 @ 4w2d
Miscarried January 29th, 2007 @ 5w2d
Miscarried June 29th, 2007 @ 7w2d

Every single day I think of you all.

Love,
Mommy

Seven

Finally, hCG has hit single digits. Yeeeeeesssssss.

On Monday, I dropped a very annoying one point from 12 to 11 from the previous Thursday. After moaning and groaning to my RE (who is probably wishing my file would disappear from his desk), I went in today for another draw.

Result = 7

Hot damn, single digits!

I'm not breaking out the champagne yet, (it could be weeks before I get to zero)... but finally I am approaching normal.

Overheard in BagMomma's car yesterday

SUBTITLED: how ridiculously inept I am at having a difficult conversation with my 4 year old.

David: Mommy, when we die and get buried in the ceeemartty, how long before we are skeletons?

Mommy: Ummmm, I'm not sure.

David: Where does your butt go? Do the bugs eat it?

Mommy: Ummmm....

Purses don't have to be functional

Please add to my 40th Birthday wishlist...
Love, Shelli

The Dean & Deluca Pink Purse Cake
Sweet Couture*
A DEAN & DELUCA EXCLUSIVE. Created by a baker who worked at some of the most famous pastry shops in Paris, our large pink purse cake comes complete with handles, gold accents and zipper. It's a layered Tahitian vanilla bean cake, with chocolate fudge and white chocolate butter cream, covered in pink fondant. This is a sweet must have for those who simply can't have enough purses

Fortune Telling

When I was a young girl, I was fascinated by psychics.

Not fortune tellers, tarot card readers, and the 98% of people making a living calling themselves "psychic" (and aren't by any stretch of the imagination). We are talking the real deal.

Looking back I understand why I was so interested at such a young age, and that is a story for another time. Or another blog for that matter.

Anyway, I personally knew two really outstanding psychics. I started visiting them on a whim when I first went to college.

The interesting thing about these two people was that they didn't charge an arm and a leg. Also you could tape the conversations. I was both a skeptic and a believer, and over time I became more impressed at the specific accuracy of their readings.

I saved some of those conversations. And listened to one recently (I hadn't in maybe 15 years or so). If you want a serious trip, listen to yourself on a tape from when you were 19 years old. lol.

Anyway, my favorite was Mr. Dee. He was an older man who lived in Northeast Philadelphia who was known for being the "real deal".

I think of Mr. Dee often, let me tell you why. He predicted every major life event I've had this far. Every. One.

Oh, sure. You're thinking. He probably just threw some general things at you that could happen to anyone. He researched you before you came for the reading. Psychics are just making things up as they go along.

When I visited him the first time I spoke to his assistant, and she took my first name only, and my telephone number. I was a student at the time, and gave him my dorm hall number. (No such thing as cell phones back then). No one even knew about the internet either, so Googling me was out of the question too. I had to wait 4 months for my appointment. And I was pretty intimidated when I got to his office.

He asked me to sit down, but not to speak. When it was time for my reading he asked me to extend my hand for a moment, and he touched the top. Then he sat back, sighed, and asked me if I wanted to know only positive or negative events.

I said both. His readings were free-flow. He would talk for about 25 minutes about anything that came to his mind, and then he would allow questions.

He caught my attention right off the bat when he easily recited the names of my family members, living and dead. Not initials, names.... occupations, and health issues. He warned me of my Grandmothers heart condition, and knew my Grandfather had died from a massive heart attack at the age of 59. He knew my Dad was a business owner, he knew I had one brother named after my Dad.

I was immediately blown away, and nervous. How does he know all of this by JUST my first name and my status as a student?

He also connected with a memory I kept hidden from everyone. Something that happened to me that I told no one about. I was freaked out, stunned, and keenly aware that I have met someone who wasn't bullshitting me.

Then he allowed me to ask questions. I had a paper with some notes, but that sort of went out the window in my stunned silence. So I went off the cuff, and these were a sampling of the questions, his answers, and my comments today:

Me: What kind of job will I have?
Mr. Dee: Computers. Your working life will always be around computers. You will fall into it, literally, and you will love it.
My comment today: it was 1987, and computer science wasn't even a major in my college, I graduated with a degree in Marketing/Management and back then the only computer experience I had was the ONE required Lotus 1-2-3 for DOS class. I had no interest in computers. I got my first job in a software company (curiously, Lotus Development.... ironic, no???) after a one-year failed attempt in retail by answering an ad in the paper. The rest.....is history.

Me: When will I get married?
Mr. Dee: Late twenties. It is not the boy in your life right now. You will be surprised how far you search for someone right under your nose.
My comment today:Back then, I did not want to hear this. I was 'in love' with my boyfriend back then, and we had plans to marry someday. I forgot about that comment because I hated it. I married my husband S. at the age of 27. He was my neighbor I grew up with from the age of ten. Oddly, we didn't date until I was 26.

Me: Will I have children, how many?
Mr. Dee: Much later in life. They will be all boys. Three.
My comment today: Well, you know where this is going. Call me crazy but I recall this ALL THE TIME especially with what's going on now. I have to trust that Mr. Dee didn't throw me a strike out. He's been right about everything, how can this not be true??? I wish I knew then what I know now to qualify that statement better.

I have not visited a psychic since I was 26. I think the reason I stopped was because after meeting Mr. Dee, I felt he was as close to the real thing as I would ever get. And whatever skepticism I had was gone after meeting him. I wonder if he is still around?

So, how many of you have visited a psychic in your lifetime? Did you meet any believable ones? Or do you think this is all "hogwash"? Tell me your thoughts.

But all the cool kids have one!

I bought Hubby an iPod for his birthday.

He (the most nontechnical wannabe) just HAD to have it. I guess he felt like he was missing out on some international secret or something.

I already have one. I use my iPod when I clean, and when I walk or work-out. I can plug mine into my car because it has an mp3 port. I have an older iPod Mini, and it suits its purpose. I'd love to have the full-blown video iPod (the U2 Special Edition with the complete U2 anthology of songs, and Bono's autograph). But it seems like an overboard expense when I am saving up for the holidays and my upcoming assisted cycles.

Note that handbags are excluded from my self-imposed budgetary rules.

Anyway, I bought S. an iPod Nano. It has the nice color screen (which mine doesn't), but it holds considerably less music. I had a method to my madness there.

So here's the thing. I don't know when (if EVER) he will use it. He doesn't have an mp3 port in his truck. I've never witnessed him relax enough to sit still and listen to music. But I humor him anyway.

Since last Wednesday, he has been HOUNDING me to set it up. He wants to download music and I'm like "yeeeeeah, sure. Don't dare do it without my supervision". He would be the person who mistakenly downloads the entire iTunes website.

yeah, really.

The problem is, I have my own iPod syncing with our home computer (I won't use it on the work pc, 'cause I don't like to do anything personal on my laptop). So I had to browse the Apple support site for some tips on how to have TWO ipods on one pc, and how to keep the music directories separate. There are many ways to do it, none very easy for the non-technical folks. You would think being in the business for 15 years, I'd be able to set this up in a flash. Not the case. I am sure a teenager would have figured it out hours before I did.

Because I had ENOUGH with his pestering, I worked heads down until I had it perfect. Both iPods are working smoothly. (He's just not allowed to sync his own iPod... like, E-V-E-R).

So, last night, I hand him the iPod. Here ya go honey! I even downloaded his bad 70's rock music I hate (Jim Morrison is dead thank god, but how does he manage to have new music?).

And it has sat in the same spot I placed it.

How much you wanna bet it doesn't move for at least a week?

Blog housekeeping note

I turned comment moderation back on temporarily because of some very unfriendly and ghastly spam. I won't, however, prohibit anonymous comments, because I don't believe in censoring my readers.

In times like these I wish Blogger was a little more flexible with comment deletion after the fact.

Fun with fortune cookies

As I pigged out on General Tso's Chicken last night, I opened a fortune cookie.

I usually just chuck them in the trash, but for some odd reason I opened one and got this message:
And on the flip side, the Chinese word of the day:


Universe, you are toying with my emotions. Don't do that if you're not going to make good on your promise.

I'm not normally this crabby, I swear

Thank god this week is over. I can't even put my finger on what's been REALLY bad about this week, it's just the overriding panic about everything that has gone wrong lately.

It's catching up with me. I just can't get my ass out of the rut I am in. I haven't even switched over to my newest handbag I bought two weeks ago. It's sitting in the bag, wrapped tenderly, saying "OPEN ME! You spent good money on me and I am the IT color for the Fall season, and FALL will be over before you know it!"

I've not been eating particularly well. I've been drinking a lot of coffee and soda. I have not exercised in three weeks. I have skated through every day of work in the last 4 months. I have washed and rewashed the same load of laundry all week because I can't remember to put it in the dryer. I have an intense need to drown myself in chocolate, but I don't have any.

I am the dog tied to the bumper of Chevy Chase's moving car in the movie "Vacation". Beat up and forgotten.

ok, bad analogy, sorry.

And let's talk about yesterdays blood draw. Thanks to everyone WILLING that hCG number down, it did go down (again) to 12. No Metho yet. Crazy as it sounds, I am happy about that, although I know that zero may still be far off. I am still technically pregnant SINCE MAY. I may hold some sort of record I think.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record. Let me sum up the year: pregnancy in January, miscarriage in January. TTC in March, April. Pregnancy in May. Miscarriage in JULY. THREE MONTHS LATER.. still not near a new cycle.

Add it up folks... I've only had AF TWICE this year. And I wonder why I am crazy. It's pent-up hormones. I feel like an android. I think my body forgot about me too.

If you live in NJ, and feel rumbling under you feet today.... it's not an earthquake. It's just me exploding from my nuclear meltdown.

I promise to get back to myself next week.

I just need more time here in the dumps.

Next visit to the vampire lab is Monday.

Gotta Snickers bar?

Birthday wishes

Today is hubby's 40th birthday. Quite simply, I have to admit I don't know how the years have managed to slip by so fast. Didn't we just celebrate 30?
Happy Birthday, sweetie. ~xo

In other news, I am still in limbo with my hCG issue. Monday's result was 14, so lower than the last draw, but still not lower than two weeks ago. I spoke to the doctor, and we are doing another draw tomorrow... if it's the same or higher we will start meth.0.trex.ate. The concern now is the leftover microscopic cells could mutate into cancerous ones, and the meth.0.trex.ate would potentially eliminate the bad cells that set up shop in my uterus.

I do NOT need another lesson on bad luck. Please send major hCG lowering vibes. I do NOT want to take this drug.

Not only are the side-effects a bitch, but it could throw a seriously long wrench into my plans to ever get back to TTC.

I seriously am borrowing S.'s birthday wish when he blows out his candle on his cupcake tonight.

The waiting room

I've been spending a lot of time in my RE's office in the last year. It's a brand new office, so they've put some forethought into the layout. There are two waiting rooms, separated by a door and a half wall/reception area. The main room, and the smaller "consult" waiting room.

While I'm waiting, I like to people watch. I see women coming in for the first time, the infertility veterans; those who are pregnant, those who are not pregnant; women with medical issues, women with unexplained infertility; women coming in for u/s monitoring, women coming in for transfers, women coming in for bloodwork; men with 'sample' cups disguised in paper bags; men passing straight thru to the 'room' with an empty cup. So many people with so many different situations, each with a common goal.

The consult waiting area is a difficult place. I've been there. It's the place where women sit after they've gotten a good scan, but it is also the place where hearts are newly broken.

Sitting in the main waiting room, I can see the joy and the sorrow on the faces as they round the hallway to the consult waiting area. Sometimes, I can hear the conversations (even though I don't mean to). Mostly, I see faces... happy and sad.... rarely in between.

On Monday, I saw a woman turn the corner and was handed an u/s picture of her pregnancy. She had just had the u/s of her life. She beamed. The ladies who staff the front desk were exuberant, and cheered quietly and giggled. Hugs were exchanged with the medical staff. The woman, who was alone in the office... skipped though the main waiting room. She pulled out her cell phone, and as I watched her exit and walk to her car, I could see she was calling a loved one with the BIG news. The best news e-v-e-r.

Moments later, I saw the faces of sorrow I know all too well. A couple who had received bad news turned the corner and sat in the consult waiting area. The staff who just five minutes earlier were estactic, were silent. There were pats on the back, nodding, tears, and a hasty exit to the consultation room. One of the nurses in the reception area opened a closet FULL of tissue boxes, grabbed one, and slid it into a hand extending from the room.

Just then I caught the eye of a woman sitting next to me and we just looked at each other with that look of 'knowing'. She had a tear in her eye. So did I.

Neither of us knew either of these women, but the emotions......we know them all too well.

Then we started chatting.... the standard infertile drill down.... "how long have you been trying, what's your status" conversation. Except we spoke like we were in church or the library. Whispers. Never mind we were the only two people remaining in the waiting room.

She said she was here for her second u/s (she's pregnant after her third IVF attempt, and 7 years of infertility). I wished her good luck. And she reciprocated, "Keep the faith". Just then they called her back and the last thing I heard her say (to herself) was "ok, deep breaths". She sighed and walked away and disappeared into an exam room.

I went into the lab for my blood draw and I purposefully chatted with the nurse for awhile hoping I might see this woman come out. I didn't, but what I did see was the nurse come out of the exam room skipping down the corridor to the copy machine. Speaking to the nurse at the desk, with u/s picture in hand, "Now those are two beautiful babies." And the staff huddled around the u/s like it was their own. Laughing and giggling.

I have to imagine my new friend had a pretty good day in the consult waiting room.

How I long for a day like that...

Happiness Lost and Found

Well, I sort of followed my happiness ritual, although I have to admit there were days I was so down on life lighting a candle was the furthest thing from my mind.

The times I did light my candle alongside my office desk, I was mindful that the purpose was to stimulate happiness.

So there were days when I wanted to hurl it across the room... such as the days I couldn't enjoy the fragrance of the candle because I had a) the flu, and then b) strep throat.

And then there were the days I just didn't want to light it because moving from my chair was an exercise I had no motivation to do. Such as the recent 'bad' days as I've waited for the end to this miscarriage cycle.

But there were some good days. Like the day my cat, Luke, jumped up on the desk and watched the candle flicker above. I was mesmerized that he was mesmerized, and that made me think about how much my cat has been through with me. He was my companion long before I married S., and boy, has he seen a range of emotions over the last 16 years.

And then there was the day I lit one of my favorite scents, and curiously, a long forgotten memory was at the front of my mind. It was of my Grandmother, and it brought comfort on a day I needed it.

So I guess I didn't totally fail this month. And I ended up with probably a couple extra happy moments that I would have otherwise not had.

I think I may be more successful at the second Happiness Challenge... Meditation.

Now here's something right up my alley, and I can lay down doing it. lol.

Lord knows I could use some serious meditation.

Taking action: Breast Cancer Awareness Month

One of the things I am passionate about is doing whatever I can to promote knowledge and awareness of breast health and cancer prevention. Cancer (especially breast cancer) has touched the lives of my immediate family and several close friends.

I coordinate (along with 4 other "fabulous" women) an annual fundraiser luncheon which joins survivors, friends, and family for an afternoon of hope and sharing. We just had our annual luncheon in August, and we raised thousands of dollars for The American Cancer Society.

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. You've probably already known about this, saw a banner in a blog, received a note from a friend, participated in a walk or run, or any of the many other ways the word is passed.

From one woman blogger to another, I encourage you to acknowledge this month in your own way.

Visit The Breast Cancer Site and click to provide needed mammography services to others.

If you don't know how, or just haven't done it lately, perform a breast self exam.

Remind a mother, sister, aunt, or friend to schedule their yearly mammogram.

Provide a donation to the American Cancer Society

No matter what you do, just do it!

If we all did one thing to focus attention on the issue of breast cancer... imagine what could be possible.


Cross-posted at Moms Speak Up